The Final Kill – Victory Team ShadowWarriors - StreetWars Tournament

As we leave the Shadow Government’s safe house after consuming mass amounts of drugs, porn, and declaring exactly how to best make use of dead babies, the instinct to jump at every noise does not leave us. A late night safeway run to pick up some neglected items for both of us ends in us running for the car after what sounds like a high pressure squirt gun. The instinct to duck and cover plus the paranoia of this game may not leave us for some time. Life is inexorably changed, pulling up to our house we still by instinct check the bushes and almost make another pass when we see someone outside the apartment. Walking up to my door unarmed makes my insides crawl with apprehension. I remind myself there is no one left to kill us, we stand in glorious victory.

The events of sudden death start anticlimactically after spending 41 hours in three days on roofs and in trees staking out a target who would not come out of her house. She is disqualified for lack of kills and we receive her target. We knew him well as she also decided to leave town for the weekend leading up to what we thought would start sudden death and us temporarily assigned to him until she returned.

Sudden death was delayed in essence to give us a chance to break the kill record, however our target chose to hide and be disqualified rather than hunt and be hunted. The results were a highly condensed sudden death round in which we feared things would result in random cowboy antics winning rather than our style of precision execution; oh how I hate to so accurately prognosticate the future.

Thursday morning my teammate and I take the day off work to take advantage of the time we have. We scour the net for clues as the blog post at streetwars.net gives us only the details that our targets still stand but we must go after the supreme commander.

Shadow Gov Tweet 08:29 4.29.10
Just got to SF. First night itinerary: Pick up shemales Drink Eat drugs Hide bodies Kill some punk ass streetwars players Repeat”

We spend the entire day waiting for a clue to appear so that we could begin planning our strike. We hand out my business card to every porn shop, strip club, and brothel in the city with the request of a call if they see men with squirt guns. I am still getting calls from the crazy strippers and whores (guess i’ll have to capitalize on that after some much needed sleep). We go stake out Diva’s the local Shemale bar and get our junk groped by ladies so attractive you might forget they are actually men. The clue doesn’t come until the evening and we feel frustrated for having to wait all day for nothing.

Shadow Gov Tweet 21:00 4.29.10
Big trouble in little china tonight. Leaving soon

We try to look past the obviousness that they are going to China Town and decipher more of a clue. There it is, we search “big trouble” in google maps and the bar Li Po comes up. We get into position choosing to attempt to follow rather than try a frontal assault. We could not imagine the carnage that was about to ensue.

I smoke a cigarette in a dark alley in view of the street when none other than Agent Pink, our most admired past target walks around the corner. We lock eyes and turn and walk away from each other. My heart sank. Damn out of all the people to be Supreme’s bodyguards why did it have to be Pink? He out of everyone had shared in our stories and he even worked with us to bring down Sniper415, he was going to be a problem and the only agent alive that could see through our disguises.

I called my partner in almost heart-stopping panic as I hail a cab to my vehicles location; it was time for a disguise change. I don my homeless outfit and drive to China Town as I reconnect with my partner over our com system. My partner KillerBeer is in the Bar across from Li Po, a safe zone keeping watch. That safe zone we would come to find out came at a price.

I park the car and start the homeless man shuffle checking trash cans as I go, armed secretly with my CO2 powered stealth liquidating device and my guns in a beat up back pack. As I approach Supreme’s location from the south and down the street, I see my partner standing outside the bar and a large black man ominously pause in front of him only 15 yards away. Every muscle in my body starts to tense as I see the man who we would later ID as LeonSF throw the first balloon.

“It is over, oh shit, I will be solo now, my partner is a goner.” my internal voice screams as I watch the first balloon hurtle at Killer Beer.

In an almost Matrix like fashion KillerBeer shifts to the side and the balloon whizzes by him and hits the wall 6 feet behind. In almost less than a heartbeat another balloon is being shot with deadly accuracy at his feet. I see Killer beer pull an amazing ninja reflex style jump and the balloon strikes under and slightly behind his feet shooting the water clearly behind him. The chase ensues.

I never knew my partner could run so fast and what struck me as inappropriately funny was I never could of imagined a man with that much mass such as LeonSF be able to move that fast either. In almost seconds later I see my partner run around the block and back into the bar, the nearest safe zone. I get a call from him from the bathroom as he inspects himself for any drop of water indicating he was hit. Although I saw the balloons come close I was pretty sure he had dodged them unless there was a stray water drop defying the laws of physics. He was dry, for now.

I started taking a position not in attempt to ascertain Supreme’s location but rather to call the coast is clear for an escape. The street was swarming with rogue agents, bodyguards, and lookouts. This was an impossible strike location. Soon Aquamen and Thumbmaster would find this out for themselves as they would become annihilated by the horde of angry rogues we and the other surviving teams left in our trail of executed agents.

When the coast was clear my partner sprinted out the bar, losing his fedora in the process, narrowly avoiding detection and pursuit.

We re-group for awhile and fall back. We see the crowd disperse with Supreme escaping into the night, first to be a ghost in the day and that night to take up residence in the bar with a legion of defense; tonight would not be the night.

Peter Stevens Tweet 11:29 4.30.10
Guess who’s in town?

I sit distracted at work wishing we had taken today off rather than the day before. Knowing the venerable Agent Peter Stevens was in town did nothing to ease my fears. Several clues come through twitter during the day, including a picture of a mural we identify as outside the safe house.

Leaving work my adrenaline is in full swing, tonight had to be the night. We swing by our target’s location to retrieve a dead GPS tracking device that we were unable to capitalize on and head to the safe house for a stakeout. Sitting in the car chugging energy drinks, eating cliff bars, and sneaking off to stealth piss occasionally felt all too familiar.

We see agent Pink’s car outside the safezone and verify the conclusion that would be the form of transportation for Supreme Commander. After a couple hours of waiting we see Agent Pink’s car drive by and we tail them. I easily catch them but soon realize they are on to us and start evasive maneuvers, Pink knew what my car looked like since we had been lying in wait in the trunk for hours on end in front of his house.

Shadow Gov 21:00 4.30.10
Just got out with no sweat. Heading to the Lone Palm

The clues were becoming less cryptic than the already obvious hints we had seen before. My fear of this turning into a cowboy western style shootout were becoming a reality. We rush to the location just moments before the legion of Rogues and Bodyguards. An unlocked gate to the next door stairwell reveals a sniper position and better yet access to the roof of the bar. We could have no better luck in a perfect strike position. My only hope was our remaining competition, Wildcard would be neutralized before we could pull off our precision strike.

We were right about the Cowboy antics as we soon see Wildcard parked 2 cars down from the bar in plain view being taunted by the agents outside the bar. How was he supposed to expect to get supreme with this tact? I felt confident the bodyguards would neutralize him instantly and we would have the shot when Supreme exited the vehicle and entered the bar. The mental scenario was being played out in my head and the squadron of rogue agents were feeling the sting of my watery death from above after double tapping Supreme.

Finally I see Supreme roll up and Wildcard sprint out of his car instantly being squirted by the crowd of agents, however right as I am about to take the shot while Supreme’s door opens, he is spooked by Wildcards cowboy antics and never fully opens the door. DAMN!!!!! The perfect opportunity lost. He was in my crosshairs and about to be done for. The anguish of knowing Wildcard screwed up a perfect precision hit was almost too much. When would we get a better opportunity?

Shadow Gov 23:30 4.30.10
500 club suckaz

My spirits were crashing worse than a crackhead after running out of his fix. 500 club provided no such precision location to hit from. We decide to take our frustration out with a gangster style driveby. I crack the hatchback open and lay in the back. We drive around and soak about 30 people outside the bar. We realize that likely most of them were innocents and very few agents were actually standing there. Regardless a little death and mayhem lifts my spirit.

We look at the map and surmise the next most likely bar for Supreme to hit was Elixir. Perfect, there is a large tree outside; I scale the tree with only the one confused patron noticing me do it. We wait. After about thirty minutes we get a text. Delerium; damn not the right bar but we sprint over there hoping to find another elevated location. We get a break, there is a tree outside the bar, except it is surrounded by about 40 people.

As we stand there scoping out the situation Mustache Commander rolls up on foot but doesn’t notice us. I have to go now if this is ever going to work. I quietly tell the people next to us our plan and encourage them to watch the results instead of revealing our plan. With almost in-human speed I vault into the tree. My partner does the most important and dangerous job of damage control quietly quelling the reaction from the 15 odd people who do see me get into the tree. Although I was the one who got the kill, as it was in this entire game we worked as a team united as Team ShadowWarriors, selflessly assisting each other for the maximum advantage not the ego of the kill.

I see Wildcard again pacing in the crowd in front of the bar. I contact my partner to take him out so he doesn’t fuck up this last chance at a kill. Killerbeer rolls up amidst fear of being instantly neutralized when recognized by the protective agents. Two shots in the center of mass Wildcard was dead, so we thought. He and a nearby Agent Peter Stevens notifies KillerBeer that we were no longer allowed to target each other. This was news to us and we had never been notified, last minute rule change number one that would fuck us.

I remain in the tree waiting for Supreme to come in the bar. I look down and realize the getaway car was parked right below me with an agent armed to the teeth sitting in full view of me, waiting at the car door. I realized Supreme must already be inside. The bar starts closing and people start exiting. I hear over my com system my partner witnessing Wildcard actually trying to physically push Supreme outside the bar so he could get the kill. My partner intervenes with his body. Wildcard leaves and signals for his car to be brought around and my partner stood on the sidewalk discussing the situation with Mustache Commander trying to clarify what rules have changed without us noticing.

Supreme finally exits the bar. As his foot hits the sidewalk a stream water flows from my position in the tree to hit him square in the chest. I watch as it takes him what seemed like endless moments to identify my direction while my finger never lets off the trigger. Every agent on the sidewalk turns to look up and witness the glorious hit being executed.

I triumphantly climb down from the tree to revel in our victory, all too soon to be frustrated by yet another last minute rule change.

As I stand on the sidewalk, legs shaking in elvis fashion from the motionless perch in the tree, the Shadow Government informs me of the conundrum. They had declared the game paused only moments before I shot Supreme, being so focused on the shot I never felt my phone vibrate, my buttocks numb from being jammed in the crook of the tree.

The decision much to our dismay was yet another hoop for us to jump. Myself, Wildcard, and KillerBeer would be texted the location of Supreme at a nearby park. The first to kill him wins. This frustratingly meant KillerBeer and I would for the first time be against each other. For only one assassin can win the tournament.

We drive close to a few parks in anticipation of the incoming location. Not knowing where it would be, we decided to try to get ourselves centrally located in the city. The tact worked as we were only a 5 minute drive from Alamo Sq when we got the text. We race to the location our hearts heavy with the thought that we would be against each other for the first time. A rule I highly disagree with that was part of this StreetWars Tournament. How could I spend every waking moment crouched on rooftops and in trunks with my partner yet now turn on him. We played as a team we should have been able to win as a team. Alas we prepared ourselves for battle.

I dropped KillerBeer off with a last farewell and good luck on the southeast corner of the park and circled to the northwest corner and parked. I sprinted from the car and ran through the park from shadow to shadow. Two men on a bench soon were liquidated, damn innocents; I retreated to the cover of darkness. My legs now burning with adrenaline and muscle fatigue I pressed on circling a child’s play area. I double back and work my way along a brush line in the blackness of shadow.

I hear a noise and instinctively shoot, there crouched was Supreme Commander, wet by my gun. Wildcard runs up only 30 seconds later complaining he just got to the park. He turns around and leaves, his body language screaming in frustration and defeat. I see almost a sense of release wash over him as the realization that the madness and paranoia that is StreetWars is finally over. No longer do we have to “Live in Fear”. Victory is mine, a bittersweet moment that should have been ours as a team, but in essence is ours regardless. 9 kills, 4 weeks victory is ours.

Yours in Blood and H2O

Agent DeadSpace
Team ShadowWarriors
Equal share of the credit going to teammate KillerBeer
Winner of April 2010 San Francisco StreetWars Tournament