Ever wonder where the depths of a simple technique like Disqualification can take you? This is your chance. At my last talk here in San Francisco I explore just how far Disqualification can be take you. I very nearly exahust my understanding of this technique as well as expand it further than it has ever been publicly discussed. Listen to this podcast and see where you can go with a little more in depth look at something that looks so simple.
Topics:
Why qualification ruins long term relationships
How DQ makes a woman so comfortable she will tell you how to pick her up!
By DQ’ing you will monumentally increase your confidence!
Inner Game issues are radically affected by learning the process of DQ
Why the woman you think is perfect is so scared to like you back.
Just imagine if there is this much to such a simple technique like DQ how much could you learn in one of Charisma Arts Bootcamps? I know my first impression was that these techniques are simple. However when I was coached through them, the the depth and complexity of actually putting them into practice was overwhelming. Knowing something and doing something are two very different things. The expansion of DQ that I talk about in this podcast was gained by doing it, not theorizing about it.
I encourage everyone re-visit some of the techniques you know, such as “I” perspective, or the SOI and see just how much further you can explore it.
Disqualification [49:19m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (1467) Standard Podcast [49:19m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (1467)
Tags: Charisma
May 24th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Wow this was just an amazing podcast, I feel like I relearned the meaning of disqualification. What really impressed me with this Podcast is that you gave the whole thing away. I don’t think you held back or gave marketing speak about disqualification at all. But of course there are still more ways to explain DQ and I’m sure you’ll learn more with time.
I really enjoyed the podcast, don’t quit.
May 24th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Same here, thanks so much for this podcast, and generally all the effort you put into your blog!
Pieter
May 25th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Dan I’ve decided I want to give a fixed SOI everytime.
I want to say ‘I really enjoy you, and your sexy!’
So what I need a 100% foolproof way of enjoying conversation with people.
Juggler talks about a few ways of making stuff you reveal about yourself fun/more quickly relatable, in his book, but I find it too hard, with too little example. [maybe I should re-read it].
On PC9 Johnny is talking to Lizzie?
‘no when a guy is hard to get, or in your case a girl, it makes it more…’
Johnny let’s a her talk a little then interrupts
‘don’t be presumptous.’
It great! I’ve seen people do this, alphas have done it to me, they let me talk a little then comically question something trivial I said earlier, like they’re dumb and are stuck on it, and everyone cracks up. I’m not explaining it well because I’ve never done it, have not mastered it.
This seems like a great technique to make yourself more fun (although of only occassional usefulness). Could you explain this so I grasp it better? Or your own little flirtatious techniques to make yourself fun quick (and so enjoy the other person)?
BTW don’t get disheartened, people, cheapskates like me, we crave the next neat little method, partly the success of MM, the theory machine, I think. But I love your blog, your social, and you work so hard for your money!
Your interview for confidence, is probably one of the best, most useful things ever in the community, really fucking surprising you gave it away for free – I should have said this at the time. THANKS
.
BTW I’ve just read Blink, it’s like Gladwell’s on the CA payroll. Have you ever taken an acting class?
Because on the podcast 9 HB_HorseRider describes J. as nervous on approach so I’m wondering if he affects warm friendly AND bashful! And if I should be too, although I’m almost a foot shorter than him so maybe unnessary, dunno.
There ain’t no acting classes here, so I’m thinking if I do want to increase my range of concious facial expression I’ll need a mirror and some pictures of different expressions. This is going to sound madly weird, but if you feel this is something which helps you, could you put out like a photo album of your favourite arch/playful expressions (and instruction when you use them).
Yeah that is really weird isn’t it.
xxx
G.
May 25th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Hey Dan,
I really enjoyed your podcast on DQ. DQ is such a wonderful technique and is so versatile. I’m always amazed at how DQ can add humor to an interaction. However, I have a question on your take on qualification.
Your example of qualification assumes that when a girl likes you, she will try to meet your qualification. Doesn’t that presuppose that the girl is a tad bit low self-esteem?
Just like many people, I have used qualifications before in normal dialogue to get to know a person better. It’s a normal way for me to show more interest in who a person is: are you this, or are you that? Do you like this or do you like that? Then I reward them for their honest answer b/c I find them interesting, cool, honest… or whatever. I’m still approval-giving. I don’t use it to judge a person nor do I think of it as a technique to *gasp* increase attraction.
My question really is: is qualification THAT bad? From the way you make it sound in the podcast, qualification is never to be used. What I have found is that as long as the woman feels I’m not judging her, then she will answer my qualifications honestly and genuinely (even when attracted to me)… without having to PRETEND to be someone else to fit my view of the “perfect” woman. If she is confident, she will ALSO answer my qualifications honestly.
I think that the essence of DQ is to be humble and modest. It is to reinforce to people that I am not trying to build an oversized grandiose image of myself to the world and that I appreciate others who don’t either. When used humorously like the way you do, it shows that you dont’ take yourself seriously (which is highly attractive). As Wayne once said, it’s about your ability to speak in contrasts. I really don’t see how BAD qualifications are when used “normally”(yes, I have read all your qualification articles before).
For me, qualifications are another way to share with a woman what I like. She gets to understand me better. I express what I value. So what if I like adventurous women? It’s up to her to be honest with herself… and consequently with me. I encourage her to be genuine with me by fostering an honest vibe between us. Qualifications only become bad when used excessively. Just like anything else, you want balance. In your story of the ex-g/f who resented you for using qualifications, I don’t think she hated you for using them. She hated you for overdoing it, for imposing an image of her that she’s not, for being overbearing with your taste in women without consideration for who she is innately at her core (?).
My point is ANY technique in the Community can be used in a bad way. If a guy uses DQ all the time to make a point of showing how confident he is with all his weaknesses, would that be considered try-hard because he’s now wanting to PROVE how comfortable he is with himself (a la DHV) in hopes of increasing attractiveness? That would defeat the entire intent of how a DQ is to be used in the first place, wouldn’t it?
In short, I feel that both qualifications and DQ are effective. DQs are definitely more versatible but one just need to practice them with the right intent.
Thanks again for the great work you do!
All the best,
Khiem/ITotem
May 25th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
G, ok so a fixed SOI seems lazy to me. I use an SOI to associate my feelings of sexual interest with what is unique and interesting about her. If i make it a standard formulaic SOI then it loses something for me.
As for being more fun, have more fun yourself. The dynamics of doing that is difficult, re-read the be relateable blog post. As for what johnny is doing and how to do that i don’t know. I don’t do that, at least that i am aware of so i can’t teach you to do that.
The rest of your request i have to say will take me some time to think about or do. Re-read the text flirting post and listen to the podcast as well as push pull and sexual barriers posts.
Sorry i couldn’t help more on those, and for facial expressions you’ll just have to pay for a private instruction with me
Dan
May 25th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Itotem, what are some examples of how you use qualification? I don’t know if qualifications are always bad, i just know they often set up a situation where a woman MAY choose to emphasize part of her personality that is not really who she is to fit a qualification. That is bad in my book. I want to know who she truly is. Yes it might be that low self esteem women would be more likely to do that, however i think slight over-emphasis of her character traits to fit mine might be just as bad.
May 26th, 2007 at 8:13 am
Thanks alot! You seem to be genuine about teaching.
May 26th, 2007 at 9:44 am
About the above discussion between ITotem and Dan,,,
I didnt hear Dan say that qualifications should never be used, and if he did I missunderstood it for never qualify yourself (Dan speak fast on a to me foreign language so I kinda doozed of at times
).
DQs is a fairly new thing to me, but they seem to work great and I can see the logics behind it. IMO they dont rule out qualifications however, wich I use quite alot. I dont think its purely a bad thing to change someone into someone they are not. Not if you change that person into something better, then she will even like you for it. However, I realised DQs should be a good way to balance qualifacations, and encourage the other person to speak his/her mind.
It is a bad thing if the person you are qualifying feels a strong stress (there is always a little stress) about behaving in a certain way around you, and if that stress is not countered by a larger reward in the quality of the interaction. But all people behave differently around different people, people find their roles to play and are designed to do that. Encourage someone to be who he/she is, isnt the risk of that to have people become lazy around you and rather then being the person they are, being the person they have been?
If i can change someone so that she behaves in a way alien to her, but in a away that puts more value into the interaction, I think it is a good thing. And I think that she will appreciate it aswell. I have a friend who is a natural who is really good at this. And women get almost obsessive about him. (Coming to think about previous interactions, he do DQ himself to women too)
I want women to be willing to improve around me, but I dont want them to put up with it even though it doesnt suit them and just because of strong attraction. It seems DQs can prevent just this. That DQs can create an atmosphere of trust and allow people to speak their mind. More specificly I was thinking about disqualifying myself to my own qualifications. Sounds like a really good idea to me atleast
.
me: I really find that x improves interaction with people, and makes me happy. However, i sometimes have problems living up to it. Old habits die hard. Are you x?
I think that this would firstly making me able to screen her, secondly help future interactions by her changing to the better, thirdly making it easier for her to speak her mind and show her true self, increase attraction, and maybe most valuable to me: create a team spirit, a feeling that we both, not just her, are trying to become better persons and improve our relationship. I do like to build up such teamfeeling, but previously I have done it with fantasies, you know, fantasies that we build up together of us being the two first people on earth and being chased by dinasours or whatever. (or something more down to earth
)
So will try this, DQ to my own QF, coz looking back at previous interactions I really see a use for it. Have you tried this, Dan? I am just a noob when coming to women and PU, so this might only work in theory. But I have years of unsuccesfull interactions with women, so I do have empirical data
. Also, I dont see anything wrong in creating attraction with QFs, since attraction in my mind add value to interactions and I have problem with building this in other ways. I think it is good if you can conjure up larger than life feelings, for you to stand on piedestals atleast briefly here and there.
Thanks again for a very nice audio! (Gonna look for more, is there an audio archive?)
Feelfree
May 26th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Hey Dan,
I read a post of Juggler some time ago on the official board, and he stated to ALWAYS use the truth while DQ’ing. How do you combine this with the “exagerating” you use as a trick in the audio? (e.g. that your ring came from a bubble gum machine, and that you willy is the size of a baby carrot (the last one could be true of course)
Thanks a lot in advance!
Pieter
May 26th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Hey Dan,
Never mind my question, i’m a bit stupid, you answered my question in that same forum thread i was speaking of
Rock on!
Pieter
May 29th, 2007 at 4:13 am
Thanks for the podcast/recording! I really appreciate it…
May 30th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Hi Dan,
I posted an article on Overdoing DQ on the CA forum. It had been in the hopper for a while, but your great podcast motivated me to write it out. Enjoy, and by all means comment.
http://forum.charismaarts...m/viewtopic.php?pid=10781
Kit
June 5th, 2007 at 10:02 am
o m g. this podcast was amazing lol
” which is the general idea of DQ i guess.
i feel better about myself and the world just listening to it. made me seem all like “its all okay
wow thanks man gonna use DQs right now by saying although it ownedit was long as fuck haha,
June 13th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Great podcast Dan. One point you made really hit close to home. You said one of your ex’s tried to qualify herself and meet your feelings on marriage and kids. But this made her resentful and eventually she got married & pregnant right after you broke up.
Well… this exact scenario pretty much happened to me. I dated this girl for over 2 years, knowing that wanted marriage & kids, where I wanted to wait on those things. She eventually started saying that maybe she didn’t need those things right away. Lets just say the relationship ended badly, and she was married within 3 months afterwards. Live and learn, thanks for the lesson man.
July 8th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
I listened to an audio lecture by Alison Armstrong called “In Sync With The Opposite Sex” (excellent, btw) in which she explains the differences between how men and women think. She said that when a woman wants to have kids with a man, and he doesn’t feel the same way, she is INCAPABLE of believing that she can’t change his mind. No matter how often he levels with her that he doesn’t want them, she will still think it’s only a temporary state for him. When a guy in the audience didn’t believe her, she asked the hundreds of women in the audience if that was true, and they all roared out their agreement.
As a guy, I found that pretty amazing, as I know I don’t want kids and I know I will never change my mind. But apparently, there is something in the emotional part of the female brain that prevents her from believing a guy on this issue.
And once it finally sinks in that he really isn’t willing to have kids with her, she will feel utterly betrayed — even though he’s told her the truth all along! Under these circumstances, she may “act out” quite aggressively. She FEELS betrayed, so she makes that mean that she WAS betrayed.
They really are different from us.
August 28th, 2007 at 8:17 pm
George on Seinfeld rarely had luck with ladies, but he at one time disqualified himself and got the girl: “My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.” She then responded very interested “I’m Victoria. Hi”
March 13th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
[...] with the punches. Learn a bit of Disqualification and stop defending yourself, they are only [...]
April 27th, 2009 at 11:15 am
[...] podcast I did when I worked for Charisma Arts that talks all about how to use a technique called Disqualification to express your weaknesses in a confident [...]
May 20th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I would love to hear this podcast (a multitude of disqualifications) but cannot seem to find a link to it on this page… am I being dense or has the link disappeared?
Thanks
May 21st, 2009 at 9:47 am
I am dumbfounded. I can not figure out why it is not linked anymore. Very strange. Here is the link to the file though: http://www.charismatips.com/podcasts/DQTalkSF.mp3