Confidence is the strongest aphrodisiac to women, yet arrogance is the poison in that concoction of love. There is such a fine line sometimes between cockiness, self confidence, assertiveness, and arrogance. When that line gets crossed it is a major turn off to women.
The biggest difference I have seen in the effect of arrogance thrown in with confidence really depends on the confidence of the woman you are pursuing. We always are attracted to someone more confident than we are. If the women you set your sights on tend to be insecure, the translation of arrogance is often not that different from confidence. The more confident the women you set your sights on, the more easily they will see the insecurity or self delusion of arrogance in your words and actions.
I see it often in my clients that have been using some of the dating advice out there that advocates a “cocky” approach. In an effort to seem more confident they act like the arrogant assholes they had always previously despised. The false confidence comes off as insecurity shielded by arrogance.
The most confident men I have known also happened to be good with women. The two go hand in hand; the interesting thing is that what shows the most confidence is the ability to be ok with our own weakness. Arrogant men try not to show any flaws and flout their positive attributes. Confident men have no problem expressing that they are not perfect yet show no insecurity either.
The key in doing that is when you express a weakness of yours to do it in a confident tone of voice. Communicate through your tone and body language that you are not ashamed of your weakness and you see the positive side of it, or at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. End it on a positive note and don’t be self deprecating. Doing this shows more confidence than any cocky line or attitude.
Also check out an old podcast I did when I worked for Charisma Arts that talks all about how to use a technique called Disqualification to express your weaknesses in a confident way.
On road to true confidence you are bound to make the mistake of being too overtly confident. Even that take it in stride and admit “maybe I’m trying to seem a bit more confident than I am, but you didn’t hear that from me 
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Tags: Arrogance, Body Language, Charisma, Confidence, Dating, Disqualification, Tone
April 27th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Disqualification is a powerful thing.
Not only does it convey a confident message, but more importantly, for me, it helped me find a true confidence deep inside myself. Your older posts and podcasts were a tremendous help with that for me.
There’s a (sometimes subtle) difference between the defense of self-deprecating humor that I used to use a lot, and the confidence it takes to say ‘This is me and I’m okay with that right now’.
When I found the ‘pickup community’ I wanted to become a lady killer. Really working on DQ, somewhere along the line, I realized my idea was to become a pickup artist to impress others. It seems so silly now.
I’ve become good at dating, and really, that’s all I needed – to get rid of the unhappiness caused by feeling powerless with women. I can focus that energy on other parts of me in my journey through life.
I’ve written you before to say thanks, but wanted to post to point out to others that this seemingly simple ‘gimmick’ was a big key for me in a lot of things.
Thanks again,
Stephen
April 27th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Thanks so much for the comment Stephen!
Congrats on finding your success! Disqualification was a huge change for me. It made me more successful than I could have ever imagined. It also made me happier and more confident as I worked on it more and more.
Using Disqualification will let you learn how to handle ANY response you get from a girl and come off confident and attractive to them.
Glad you found your way out of the PUA community and started dating as who you were Stephen!
Dan
April 7th, 2010 at 2:12 am
Nice blog, if a guy can be confident and cocky while being funny and amuzing, without being a wanker then it is attractive to a woman. It’s a fine line i guess.
April 25th, 2010 at 3:40 am
I think self esteem for women is about being confident but filled with humor. A guy must be sensible at times.
August 1st, 2010 at 4:51 pm
All too often, women misinterpret arrogance as confidence. Some men can be really arrogant, condescending, and down-right inappropriate. But simple-minded women fall for them head over heels because they think it is confidence, which is completely wrong. It’s the quiet guys, the ones who are shy, self-reflecting, and humble, who are actually confident with themselves, but these guys never win the women. It’s the loud, arrogant, belligerent, pugnacious, mysoginists who always get the women. This is because women misinterpret arrogance as confidence.
August 1st, 2010 at 5:19 pm
You are correct, however there are also a lot of shy guys out there who are playing “woe is me why don’t women ever pick me, the nice guy.” This isnt confidence either.
Assertiveness is what shy nice guys need to learn. I know because it is what I had to learn to be successful.
August 2nd, 2010 at 8:01 pm
quiet, shy, self-reflecting and humble =/= confidence
you dont need to be a talkative, hyperactive clown to be attractive to people, not just women. but you do need to have a fun side, you do need to have a sense of humor. you do need good conversational skills. you need to be able to emote; being stoic is not the same as being cool.
although, what i will say is, a confident man has little reason to explain himself or argue with anyone, or draw attention to himself.
shyness is not attractive. in most cases, shyness is connected with timidity. like dan said, assertiveness is the antidote for shyness/timidity. and as men, we are the leaders. there is no room for shyness. women will, for the most part not approach you first.
those loud, misogynistic douchebags youre talking about? theyre closer to what a real man represents than any ‘quiet, shy, self-reflecting humble’ guy. theyre unapologetic and they have BALLS.
November 24th, 2010 at 6:20 pm
A confident man is interested in others and does not spend a lot of time talking about himself. He is considerate but not clingy. Not afraid to talk about his accomplishments when asked, does not brag. He is not afraid to admit his weaknesses and definitely not afraid to say “I am sorry”. A confident man is assertive, not aggressive. He respects others for their own capabilities and does not put others down or act condescending to them. He does not try to be someone he is not!