In this business I notice a lot of marketing aimed at secret techniques and tricks to achieve goals in social interactions. “The monkeys flying out your ass technique is guaranteed to capture any woman’s attention and make her fall instantly in love with you like she has loved no other man. Not only that, but with the winged monkey framing of the technique, they will not only do your laundry, but accept that you live with your mom and cook for you naked regardless.”
I am so wary of techniques because they remove the genuine you from the equation. Being formulaic is a quick way to display low value, a strong un-attractive agenda, and a lack of genuineness. While even here at charisma coaching at times we break things down into methods and frameworks to work with, in all honesty all of these things should be abandoned when you internalize the process.
There is a Buddhist saying, “If you meet the Buddha on the path, kill him!” My interpretation of this saying is, if you progress along the path of the discipline far enough that you achieve a mastery of it, then abandon the path that got you there.
In the community it is like people collect routines, tricks, lines, and techniques. This fills peoples head with too much information and it is almost crippling when you can’t actually put all of this information into play in an effective manner.
I think the thing I love about Charisma Coaching so much is that all of our teachings are simply a framework for you to actively present the confidant, genuine you. “We don’t make the words you say, we make the words you say better.”
While techniques that promise consistent, predictable results are awfully seductive, they won’t help you in the long run to become the person you want to be. In fact the phrase “social robot” comes to mind a lot when I see people expressing themselves in such a strict contrived manner. Techniques are training wheels, they are not the answer in and of themselves.
Tags: Charisma
October 17th, 2006 at 3:56 pm
Spoken like a man who can’t make a monkey fly out of his ass.
October 17th, 2006 at 9:11 pm
my blog is so sweet that it is linked TWICE!! woot woot.
October 24th, 2006 at 12:46 pm
I know what you mean, it’s not good to be a technique robot. I do think it’s a phase we all go through as we try new learnings. Me, I’m still at the “robotic” stage of learning Disqualification and throwing down sexual barriers and expressing desire behind them. I remember the same phase with cocky and funny, but now that’s pretty darn natural by now! Hell, it took me a week to be able say the word Sexy as an SOI and have seem half-natural!
The other night I picked up this girl who almost married an Italian guy. She was qualifying: “Italian men! Their very strong willed, and they always are convinced that they are right!”
Me: “I know what you mean. But honestly I usually think I’m right too!”
No laughter from her on that one. But maybe it’s because my vibe was one of “I have to shoot this down” rather than chuckling at her dorkishness.
– Jason_LA
October 24th, 2006 at 4:13 pm
You don’t need her laughter Jason_LA, that’s the whole point of disqualification, letting her know you don’t need her approval. You did just fine.
All the best!
Suyoko from Osaka
October 27th, 2006 at 10:18 pm
Thanks Suyoko! I appreciate your praise, maybe she flaked out and I never heard from her for other reasons.
I do think I need to practice the agreement step more fully. “I know what you mean” isn’t really very strong agreement. Maybe something like
“I agree-it’s such a pain when people are bullheaded and won’t even listen to your thoughts and let you feel understood! I mean, take me, I don’t always believe I’m right….I just know it for a fact!”
– Jason_LA
October 30th, 2006 at 10:01 pm
So true. I know one of the biggest things that bothered us was people that were just learning the method and turning around to use it on us– Until we were able to take a step back and realize that, for the most part, they really were just trying to establish genuine connection and friendship with the only tools they’d learned so far. Eventually anyone that goes with the juggler method long enough realizes that the principles behind it are essentially true– you will never need to “grow out of” learning to relate to someone conversationally, or express your interests or personality in an honest and direct fashion. But everyone will find their own way of accomplishing these tasks. You’ll find you’re still relating, rewarding, etc, but without having to say “wow I think it’s sexy that you xxx, I yyy.” It’s easier to be a natural than it is to be a robot, but it’s harder to go from socially awkward to natural than it is to crutch yourself with a little robotics for a while.
February 4th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
What the saying meant was that if you recognized the Buddha as anyone outside yourself, then kill that idea. Ergo, if you believe that the way lies in pickup lines, routines, etc., one has to believe that true ability lies within, and kill the idea that anything lies without.
The buddha (or someone else) gave the example of using a raft to cross the river and then carrying the raft on one’s back, instead of leaving it by the river. I think that’s the story you want. I guess portaledging wasn’t in vogue back then.
Keep up the good work!