There it was; that sinking feeling that things are just not right. There we sat watching some cheesy romantic movie, and she continued to compare us to the couple reflected through the cold glass of the television screen. With each comparison my chest clenches at the impending discontinuity. How is it that things came to this? Am I really feeling this way? It is time to end this.

Creating connections and starting relationships is tricky. That is why I have a job. However I’ll tell you something that comes up over and over is just how confusing breaking up is. I sometimes feel like I give men and women a loaded gun, that power is compelling and entices people to really seize confidence they never had. However actually pulling the trigger and ending things is another skill entirely. As harsh as this metaphor is, the reality is just as severe. When we deal with human emotions the danger of serious harm and damage is entirely possible and even probable.

Those who know me personally often get to meet my ex-girlfriend and my best friend, Emma. Very frequently I get asked how we were able to break up and remain friends. This article is all about how to break up reducing the pain and resentment while being honest and unapologetic.

Guideline 1 – Only give emotional reasons for the breakup; don’t blame anyone.

Many people break up because a mix of logical and emotional reasons. Emotion and logic don’t always coincide. I realize I would often feel like I didn’t want to be in a relationship long before I could logically explain the reasons why. When breaking up I used to tell that person all the reasons why they were not suited for me. This caused a lot of hurt and resentment, and worse yet six months after, those very reasons I gave for ending it I realized were only excuses. Often those reasons were not representative of the real problems. The real problem was I wasn’t feeling it and I couldn’t explain why so I just brought up the petty things.

In my most recent breakup with Emma, which you can hear about on the podcast, I was very careful not to blame her for anything. It was my feelings that changed; she is an amazing woman and most who meet us are compelled to ask us why we ever broke up. The simple fact is my feelings stopped progressing along romantic lines for her. I can and have thought up tons of things about her personality or actions that made me feel this way but under honest scrutiny none of them hold water. If I were to tell her the specific reasons why I broke up with her then and now, it would seem as if I was breaking up with two different women. So I focused on how I was feeling instead.

“I need to talk about how I have been feeling lately. Recently I realize my feelings for you aren’t progressing anymore. I am honestly fairly confused about how I am feeling. In my mind there are specific reasons why I am feeling this way but I know it is only poor attempts to rationalize my emotions. I really care about you however my emotions right now are very confusing. However, I do feel that right now I need our situation to change.”

The above is an example of how I approach the subject of breaking up. I do my very best not to give specifics as to any flaws in the other person because that will cause resentment, hurt, and defensiveness. I try to phrase everything in the “I” perspective and keep the conversation centered around how I am feeling.

Guideline 2 – Stick to your guns and don’t go back on what you want.

Often after breaking up with someone we are close to, there are still strong feelings of wanting to be around him or her and have that familiar comfort. This is where real hurt can be imbued. I have had the opportunity to be friends with a lot of my ex’s, and when I have been really clear with where I am at and don’t give mixed signals, it works out well. Have I ever fallen back into intimacy with ex’s, yes. The important thing though is that I am very honest and straightforward. I cannot initiate intimacy if I am the one who breaks it off. They have to do that. If I am ok with having a casual relationship with an ex I am very clear with where I am so there is no confusion.

Recently I asked specifically “Why would you want to keep being intimate with someone where there is no chance of a relationship progressing.” This stated very clearly that if we were going to be intimate again it did not mean that I wanted a relationship and there is no chance of me changing my mind.

I do have to admit going from a committed to a casual non-committed intimate relationship is not the easiest thing. I don’t recommend it because it really can be very confusing. Not only that I find that when I have done it, it often prevents me from going out and meeting new people who I do want to pursue a relationship with. I honestly get too comfortable.

In a way this also applies to continuing a simple friendship as well. Actions speak, if you want to be friends but all you do is get together and watch movies and cuddle like you used to this sends a mixed message. If you want to be friends make sure you actually do things friends do together. Go places and do things, avoid just hanging out at first so it is really clear you are not just riding on the comfort and familiarity that was what you got out of the relationship.

Taking time off for a few weeks can also be a good idea. Send a friendly text or email during that time and conclude that period of separation by doing something you both enjoy that doesn’t involve too much conversation. One tip I found I use consciously is that I go do an activity that reminds us we are great friends before having any serious conversation. Recently I went rock climbing with Emma for a couple hours before we had a serious emotional discussion. It sets a great precedent and reminds us that we are friends first, before we discuss heady emotional topics.

Guideline 3 – Remember to always take their feelings into consideration

One of the big mistakes I made was assuming friendships vs relationships were black and white. When we became friends I just assumed that friendship status afforded me all rights reserved for good friends such as joking and sarcastic banter, talking about other women, and treating them differently around the people we both know. I really had to realize that becoming friends has to be a transition. I would make a major effort to bring up these subjects and check in before just assuming things.

Once you make that transition there is a long period of grey area. Don’t talk about other people you might be dating, when you start to, make sure you check in on how they feel about hearing it. Also don’t assume because they say it is ok that it is. Go slowly and be mindful of how your words and actions affect that person. Don’t be afraid to check in!

Guideline 4 – Don’t answer questions that you know will hurt them, and don’t take comments personally.

Another thing that happens during a breakup is that they are going to ask you questions about why and want details. It is almost human nature to be self-masochistic in that situation. I do everything in my power to avoid answering questions that the answers will hurt them. On the flip-side of that remember that anything that they say negative about you while you are breaking up with them is out of hurt and anger. Don’t respond defensively; let any hurtful statements go. They want to get a rise out of you and maybe even hurt you a bit since they are feeling hurt. Your kindness and patience through that will be important if you want to remain friends.

In the end you may not be able to be friends. Make sure you really want to be before you say you do. It is not kind to say you want to remain friends and then you don’t put in the effort to do so. It is far kinder to tell them you need some time, keep it about you when talking about breaking up, then cut contact or reduce it to a minimum. Ask yourself do you really want to be their friend because you enjoy their friendship, or is it a way you are attempting to spare yours or their feelings.

Hopefully a few of you can use these tips from my experiences to as consciously exit a relationship as you did to enter it.

Check out the companion podcast as Emma and I sit down and talk about how we broke up and remain best friends to this day.

Tags: Dating

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