Being an instructor for a company that teaches social interaction skills has been an interesting experience, more so for its effect on my social life; both positive and negative. However it has taught me a lot about making new friends in a large city with busy people.
I get a lot of requests to hang out. Some want to pick my brain and get free info, some people just genuinely like me and want to hang out. My time is valuable and I realize that making friends is about enriching my life as well as enriching theirs as well. The people I have chosen to hang out with are people with positive outlooks that add value to my life and want to give friendship rather than take friendship.
Guideline 1 – Be positive
No one wants to hang out with Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy, or Whiner Willy. Silly names aside, it is ok to vent but make sure that is with established friends, and even then try to end on a positive note when your rant is done.
Guideline 2 – Never turn down an invitation
For those of you who are still building your social circle, try your hardest not to turn down an invitation to socialize. When someone actually makes an effort to reach out and include you don’t turn them down, it might be their last effort. If you do have to turn them down thank them and make it clear you appreciate the invite and would like to be kept in mind for the future. Then make an effort to include that person in your future invites.
Guideline 3 – Organize outings and invite people
Even if it is just to grab a beer, invite people you know. If you are the only one to show up don’t worry, use that time to socialize with new people. Every time you go out and do something take the time to invite a couple people. Invite people even if you know they can’t make it. Mass texts work great for this. They will remember your invite and be more likely to invite you next time.
Guideline 3 – Have the mindset of sharing not taking
If you want to make more friends the best way to do that is invite that person to share in some fun. Asking that person out for a beer or to grab a meal seems like a great way to get to know a new friend and make a connection, however it sets up the dynamic that you are requesting some of their time to add value to your life. If they are a busy person with a full social life they may not want to make time to add a friend that doesn’t add a lot to their social circle. Instead invite them out with a group of your friends, that way you are not just adding yourself to their circle you are offering them the advantage of getting to know more new people. If you don’t have a group yet then invite them for something that is fun. Invite them to a party you know of, or some other outing that adds additional benefit besides just getting to know you.
Guideline 4 – Your social circle does not define you
Don’t get caught in the downward spiral of thinking “Well I need cool friends to get more cool friends.” I know of one of my clients that this is his most debilitating belief. He doesn’t make new friends because he is so worried about what his social circle will reflect on him. In so doing he only has friends that he doesn’t want his other friends to judge him by.
Remember that guy in high school who was friends with everyone? He stood up for and was not afraid to hang out with un-cool people. Everyone liked him, and respected him more for being so confident he could hang out with the not so popular kids. Be him.
Guideline 5 – Do things to enrich your life
People like to be friends with others that enjoy life. Take a new class in art, dance, or take up a new hobby or five for that matter. Then invite people to join you in these pursuits. Do it for you, and include people as a side benefit. Be the person that decides to do something, calls around and invites people, and if no one joins you DO IT FOR YOU! This will build confidence and independence. It will make you a happier person as well as make you the person people want to hang out with.
Related Posts
- Building a Social Circle
- Come out from under your rock! How to Stay Confident.
- Flaw in Building Attraction: Podcast
June 14th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Damn Dan. You are always right on the money! I think the importance of organizing small outings is huge. Go grab a beer once a week and call a few friends. Ok… I need a beer now, I think I’ll call an old friend. Adios hermano.
June 14th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
definitely on the money. you rule, dan. now, when are we hanging out?
June 14th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Just invite me to something fun man and i’m there
June 15th, 2007 at 12:14 am
I might have to invite you to hang out with us when you come back to Seattle
June 15th, 2007 at 4:28 am
Good tips. Like any decent insight they’re all pretty obvious once you’re aware of them, but I think we all remember a time when it wasn’t so easy.
I think the most important point you made is to not turn down invitations. My social life exploded soon after I adopted the maxim “say yes more”. Say yes to invitations, to suggestions, to anything. Each friend I have I can trace back to a time when I said ‘yes’ to something, even if I didn’t really feel like it at the time.
Oh and if you’re ever in Dublin…
June 15th, 2007 at 7:07 am
Damn Dan! You must have 2 brains or something, your article goes beyond what I normally see on social circle building.
Good Stuff
Thank You
June 20th, 2007 at 3:56 am
First day i’ve ran through your blog, great stuff man. Really, really clear and concise way of explaining everything.
Indiana Lair is where i’m at!
June 20th, 2007 at 9:36 am
I definitely do agree with your point of view Dan. It is very easy to make new friends to hang out with, but as people lacks of initiative, to get initiative is worth of it. Plus you can choose who you do want to invite.
July 18th, 2007 at 3:13 am
[...] at the Charisma Tips blog has six suggestions on how to build your social circle. I encourage you to check out the full post to get the most from it, but the pocket-sized version [...]
September 22nd, 2009 at 6:36 am
A few words of advice
If you are in a long term or even short term relationship,
NEVER, ever become a slave to your woman.
NEVER let her control you or your social situation
Never let her degrade your mates or choose them for you
Never let her change plans with you and your mates to suit her unless your plans still shine through equally.
From my experience being with an obsessive, possessive girl for over 9 years then breaking up, these things are a must.
My ex would give me the cold shoulder if I wanted to hang out with my mates, if I wasn’t with her 24/7 then I was in trouble and I was probably cheating according to her. This eventually drove me to cheat and it got worse after that but hey, I’m not perfect.
If we were out somewhere and we saw someone and I said “hey, there’s such and such, lets go say hi” she would tell me to go on my own because she didn’t want to say hi. She never made the effort to make new friends or keep up contact with people and she mostly stayed home so she didn’t have a life of her own thus leading her to be pissed at me all the time because I was always out.
There is a good saying that stops all this from happening.
“Bros before hoes” Meaning you shouldn’t sacrifice your friends for a girl. How long does it take you to build a good friendship? Ages, what about all the guys you went to school with and hung out with before you had a girl, you can never get those sort of connections back again, no matter how hard you try, you will get close but its not the same.
This is so true that you can’t even put a price on it and I wish to god and I would give anything to take it back, that I had listened to this advice.
I have over 300 friends on Facebook (not that its much at all) and if I asked all of them to go out, only a handful would reply or attend, I’m pretty sure of this because none of them are close friends.
If you see them out, they aren’t friends, they don’t say hi, its just Facebook, so here’s to social networking sites.
I had broken up with my ex and moved interstate, regretted it and moved back but by then she had a whole new social circle and didn’t need me anymore, amazing. How can someone be so widely accepted, easy, she was pretty and had a vagina, simple as that.
If you are a dude, well, look the fuck out because if you have neglected your mates and lived the married life not talking to your mates then you are in for a shock. Unless you have amazingly good looks, have something to offer like free tickets somewhere, VIP, you work in a bar, free drinks, that sort of thing then you are royally fucked.
Think about it, if a homeless bum comes up and just wants someone to hang out with why would you want to hang with him, take him back to your place and chill out, go clubbing with him….you wouldn’t. Why, because he has nothing of value and he may make you look even worse. Whatever happened to forgetting all that and just giving someone a go with no expectations or needs of fulfilment? (not saying that I take homeless people back to my house, because I wouldn’t
I am a typical white guy, I go to the gym every day, nod at people and smile, I am not hideous and I have been told that I am quite handsome. I drive a mediocre car and I have a modest salary. I am in debt so I can’t go around spending up big and throwing parties, I can’t afford the latest trends and sunglasses, clothes, shoes etc. I can’t go to every outdoor festival there is and even if I could afford all this, it wouldn’t change a thing.
Its like the saying “money can’t buy happiness” it can give you happy times but deep down you know that it didn’t achieve anything except that you no longer have to worry about cash flow. If I had an Audi R8, nice house, pool, brand name clothes etc what good would it be without real friends. This stuff shouldn’t help you get friends but for some reason I think it helps alot. Of course in most cases if you are non congruent with the persona you are portraying then ultimately you will encounter issues and material wealth will do you no good as far as real friends are concerned.
After my breakup I now live at home with my Mum, (I know, I know), I can’t bring girls back or even have a get together because it is her house. I know I should move out but I can’t afford it because of the debt. I am trying to get out of it as quick as possible so I can start living again but it is really hard so its like I have to put my life on hold thus making it more depressing .
I know I need to get out and join a band or a book club and do this and that but when you have no money how are you supposed to do these things, everything costs money.
So, the meaning of all this is that money can’t buy real friends and when you have no money, your friends will still be around. If you neglect your friends then say bye bye to that. The solution to this is maintain the rule
“Bro’s before hoes”
That is all.