I am a sucker for the chase, I’ll admit it. I have lost interest in phenomenal women when I knew I could have them with ease and they were falling for me. I think of several women in my past that I could be married to right now and be supremely happy with, that I lost interest in because of feeling like they were TOO into me. The Balance of interest was just too lopsided and I felt that vibe and it turned me off. With us guys that happens even more regularly as women are even more attuned to our verbal and nonverbal underlying communication

There has to be an element of chase in every relationship, but more so where that comes from is the abolishing of the needy vibe. You must communicate verbally and non verbally that you have choice in the people you date. You are choosing to be with this person, not trying to get them to choose you.

Balanced Escalation is the Key!

The most important lesson I learned is that I don’t need to play games or worry about wether she percieves me as chasing her or her chasing me. If I simply balance the elements of escalation in a relationship things go smoothly. Here are just a few points I consciously think about balancing:

Balance of Interest

• 1) “I’ll miss you!”

These are the words of death from a new person I am dating. Every time in the past I have ever heard a woman say this to me before we were in a relationship it felt like my heart ran out the door faster than I could. When I was younger I actually would say these words and watch a fear behind a girl’s eyes that she could never hide.

Why? Because normally this statement shows an intense amount of need. It is almost as bad as “I love you”, the words are not that bad, it is just that a response is required to a statement like that and anytime we feel required to return that much interest our hearts rebel.

Solution: Be careful with statements that require a response or a validation. Tone of voice and timing are really important. Try a quick take away barrier if you feel like you went to far like “But I can’t tell you that because I don’t know you well enough yet. ”

The Exception: I heard these words this weekend and it surprisingly did not have the usual effect. In fact I loved hearing them even though it was only after I was leaving in the morning after the second date. Mainly because there was no neediness in her voice. In fact there was an earlier statement she said that ran through my head the moment she said “I’ll miss you”. She had said “Honestly I like my alone time. Someone has to be pretty remarkable for me to want to be around them.” For a woman like this to say “I’ll miss you” it became a compliment to me rather than a statement of neediness.

The same can apply to you. If you are truly busy with a fulfilling life with choice in who you spend your time with, no neediness will be projected regardless of what you say and all the dating advice you have ever received should be tossed out and ignored.

Communication Balance

• 2) Phone/Text – Too much, not enough, should I wait before calling or texting?

Nothing is more of a turn off to me if I receive too many texts or worse yet multiple voicemails between my texts and phone calls. Communication is a sign of interest. Too much and you reveal your hand too fast, too little and you are not going to get anywhere. But beware of falsely creating time between contacts just to try to balance things, it will come off manipulative, frustrating, and may make her lose interest rather than get more interested.

I am reminded over and over, if you like someone CALL THEM! Don’t wait to try to seem less needy. If you aren’t needy nothing you do will come off as needy and if you are needy, no matter how you try to hide it, it still comes through.

Review the information in Dating Decoded about how many times to call, when to call, and how to reduce flakes, as well as my 5 steps that will almost guarantee a call or text back! Once you get a response though there really aren’t any rules. Don’t blow off appointments in the hope of getting a return phone or text, go on with your life. Be busy don’t act busy!

Tips: Go back to the sequence I outline in Dating Decoded if you don’t hear from her after a couple days go back to the sequence: Voicemail, Statement Text, Final Voicemail.

If she is actively texting and phoning you don’t worry about how often you are doing it. Just don’t send 3 texts for every one of hers. Keep it balanced and avoid the urge to send the 3rd unanswered text or phone call. Wait a couple days then go back to the sequence and start again.

Compliment Balance

• 3) You’re beautiful, impressive, interesting, and smart!

This honestly has always been one of the hardest things to balance in my relationships. When I like a woman I verbalize that in the form of compliments. This can become overwhelming on a few fronts if I am not careful.

Undeserved Compliments – Telling a woman she is beautiful, funny, interesting, etc, needs to be genuine. She can sense it when you are only complimenting her to try to evoke a positive response. Your affection for her has to be deserved; she may reject the compliment or be shy about accepting the compliment, but you have to establish why you are giving her the compliment.

Over Complimenting – This is a tough one, if she is a high quality woman like you always hoped you’d meet, there will be lots of genuine compliments you can give her. What makes it harder is women are usually HORRIBLE about taking compliments and will oftenreturn a compliment just because you gave her one.. Luckily this balance point you do have more leeway. Rarely will a compliment turn a woman off, unless she sees you complimenting her because you feel she is out of your league or you are trying to get her return affection. Stick to compliments that are genuine and you should be fine. If she isn’t initiating compliments at other times then that is something to note and you may want to slow down a bit in this department.

Pedestals and Status Balance

• 4) “You are too good for me!”

The most stunning gorgeous woman in the world still is insecure about her looks compared to other women.

If you constantly put her up on that pedestal she will feel you don’t actually see her for who she is, or she will just believe you are not good enough for her.

A woman’s beauty is intoxicating for us men! When we meet a woman who we really do believe is above our usual standards we almost can’t contain ourselves. If you really do believe she is too beautiful to be interested in you she will end up sensing that and it will kill her attraction for you.

If this is your issue go rent “She’s Out of My League”. Ok I just really want you to check out my celebrity crush of Krysten Ritter, but honestly the whole movie is about a guy who gets THAT beautiful woman we all dream about and screws it up because he feels she’s above him. Of course his absolute lack of a fulfilling life and any sense of confidence means that this really only would happen in hollywood.

If you meet that woman that is out of your league then beware of “Hot Woman Syndrome” and if she really is that “The One” you’ve dreamed about, realize by putting her on a pedestal you will lose her. Treat her right, be warm and affectionate, compliment her, but don’t overdo it!

Social intelligence is all about developing an awareness of the balance in your interactions. Learn to be aware of these elements and keep them balanced, and you will be able to throw out the rule book and never worry again about playing games, when you should show interest, and turning a girl off because you are too into them.

My method of teaching people how to create attraction is all about establishing connection so strong she says “wow I feel like you really get me!” That is really important on both sides. She needs to reveal herself to you and you have to reveal yourself to her. Throw in some confidence, appreciation, flirting and escalation and you have the roadmap to some really intense attraction.

The challenge I have found is that sometimes it is hard to elicit emotions, character traits, and deeper emotional connection in every situation. People fall back into comfortable light conversation very quickly. Sometimes such as in a bar or nightclub you don’t want to spend the entire night in deep conversation, nor should you. The conversation doesn’t have to bee that deep but you do need to elicit emotions and character traits if you want to establish that emotional connection.

One of the easiest ways I have found to inspire someone to reveal more emotions and character traits is with a simple followup question:

“What inspired you to get into that? “What inspired you to try that?”

This reveals so many underlying thoughts and emotions that it sets the stage for you to very easily relate to her. Often it reveals her character traits that set you up for a very effective statement of appreciation. викСувенириикониикониПравославни иконииконопис

1. Listen to that voice in your head saying “that sounds stupid, don’t say that!”

One of the most important steps to becoming that creepy guy that makes women so uncomfortable is to learn to censor what you say. Expressing what you think confidently is a guaranteed way to make people like you and feel comfortable around you. Your goal is of course the opposite so it is very important to censor yourself so that only the most emotionally devoid constructed ideas come out of our mouth. You have to give the impression that you are holding back. An even better tip is to be telling a story then end it quickly when you get even the slightest hint she may not be fully enjoying what you are saying.

2. Make sure to use conflicting body language

The number one way to come off creepier is to be sure to send mixed messages with your body language! Some of my favorites are:

Coming up close to a girl you want to talk to then not saying a thing till she talks to you.
Smiling while asking questions.
Keeping your expressions very neutral when giving compliments.
Facing her directly while inside her personal space.

Generally the more you can send conflicting messages the creepier it is for her. If your face is saying “I am not friendly, I am a cool intimidating guy”, while you are leaning over to touch too personally on the inside of her thigh because you are sitting too far away from her, that works perfect to creep her out!

3. Make sure you feign disinterest.

Nothing is creepier than a guy hanging around a girl he likes while trying to act like he doesn’t like her! It is really important to talk over your shoulder most of the time and act like you are in a rocking chair while sitting near her. If it seems like you might walk away any moment, especially when you are saying something important or she is, that will really get under her skin. Definitely make a wise crack about how you might not call her while getting her number!

4. Make forced facial expressions

Your face is the most efficient way to express non-verbal communication. Creeping people out is easy if you master this one! Either make no eye contact or hold it for uncomfortably long periods of times. Don’t ever make good solid eye contact with short look away breaks every 5-10 seconds, that will give her the impression you are confident and assertive!

Smiling when there is no reason to smile and not smiling in reaction to something you like is also a great way to confuse people about how you feel. It is probably best to just keep a calm CIA operative demeanor your entire conversation.

5. Inappropriate casual touch is the fastest way to make her skin crawl

The insides of peoples personal space are sure fire ways to creep someone out by touching. Inner arms, inner legs, stomach, the sexy parts, necks, faces. Touching these before you have established some romantic rapport with her is straight to the creepy zone. Stay away from casually touching the upper outside of the arm, that is the quickest way to make a complete stranger feel comfortable around you. Instead of lightly touching there with the back of your hand you should slowly slide your hand down that part (or any part) of her. Tapping or rubbing is the best way to turn any good casual touch to annoying or even getting you thrown out by the bouncer.

The art of being creepy is really not that hard. Avoid confidently expressing yourself, feel that insecurity making you act strange and even creating involuntary ticks and movements. Be careful about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and being ok with that. Confidently knowing you will make mistakes and not worrying about them will quickly erase all the creepiness from your vibe. I’ve seen the most creepy insecure guys literally turned into confident cassanovas overnight. All it took was some practice making mistakes and being ok with them.

Good luck on getting your Creepy On!

“It’s all about reassurance. There is a feeling of uncertainty after the first time a woman sleeps with a guy. She us unsure if after she has slept with him does he still respect her; is he still interested now that he got what he was after?” The women in the workshop were all visibly nodding their heads, while he had a look of disbelief on his face saying, “Even if she slept over and I just talked to her that morning?”

It is something that almost I forget most men don’t realize. It is an unspoken rule, call the next day after having sex with a woman for the first time. I have had almost every girlfriend I have ever had thank me up and down for this simple act. For many women the most vulnerable time in the entire relationship is after the first time they have sex with a man. If they have any intention of wanting to see you again and it wasn’t just a one-night-stand, they will be wondering how things will go after that first time. Women know us men are in it for the sex. The question is if all the interest we have shown in her was in addition to that goal, or just as a means to get her in bed.

A simple quick phone call is all it takes to reassure her. In fact, even a message on an answering machine counts. Don’t push it by just sending a text. For me that message goes something like this, “Hi Sarah, I just wanted to call to say hi and that I had a really nice night with you last night. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon. Catch you later.” If you get her on the phone then have a nice bit of conversation. The only things I don’t do is explicitly mention the sex or try to set up another date immediately. If she does then it is fine. The reason I do that is I don’t want to make it appear my only interest in seeing her again is the sex. I then usually call her again the following day and set up our next date.

Ask a woman if you doubt this one! They will all tell you how important such a small thing is. Ladies, tell your guy friends, they will thank you; guys get with it and don’t forget to make that call!

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Silly idea I know, but efficient. It takes time to get to know someone and evaluate if you connect with him or her. What if we lived in a world where that was easier and you could get to know people quicker and people could get know you quicker? Welcome to my mission.

When I started out on my path to being better with people and improve my dating life I realized what I needed one night. I was over at a friend’s apartment and there were a couple beautiful women there that were her friends. We only dropped by for about ten minutes. I started a conversation with one of them and almost before we began, it was time to leave. I remember saying goodbye with the sense of lost opportunity when I shut the door behind me. I knew then that if I had only had more time to get to know her and let her see who I really was that we would have hit it off. I now realize it was not more time I needed, but instead to be more efficient in expressing who I was in an attractive way and getting her to open up and reveal herself more.

When I see in someone’s eyes that spark of understanding of who I am, it is incredibly rewarding. I see them understand me and want to share how they are like me as well. That moment comes when I am able to relate to them and be relatable myself. The technique that I use the most to do that is something called “One Moment In Time”.

People don’t relate to the facts. What makes us intriguing and exciting to get to know us is not the travel itinerary, it is the experience in the little jungle hut near the river the moment an enormous iridescent blue butterfly flew by. What we were thinking and experiencing at that moment is what makes us unique from every person who has had the same thing happen. Relating one moment in time to support whatever we are talking about and sharing how we felt and why is what people will relate to.

Take an example from just a few paragraphs up. The moment in time was when I had the experience of talking to the woman and feeling like it was a missed opportunity. If I just told you that “I felt like if I could just get people to spend a bit more time getting to know me then I could be more successful with people”, that alone isn’t as powerful including a moment in time. That moment in time answers a very important question, “Why?” To be more relatable I have to not only share what I was feeling or experience, but also use examples (One Moment In Time) that helps people understand why I was experiencing that or feeling that way. It also helps if we are relating to them so that they can understand why we understand them. Just relating that we felt that way once is just lip service, unless we can explain how.

Getting to know who you are is not about relating enough in a shorter time, instead it is that One Moment In Time that tells more than volumes of facts about you. Try adding more specific examples of why in your statements and you will see people’s reactions change. Your conversations will be more interesting and rewarding; not only as people get to know you better but people also take your lead and start telling you more about themselves in the same way.

I sometimes wonder what dating was like back in the early part of the century. It seems to me that there were so many rules and social guidelines back then that if nothing else, at least men and women knew how things should progress. In current times dating has become much more unencumbered by the social restrictions we once followed. The problem with this is that it creates ambiguity in what our roles are as men and women. More and more women are beginning to initiate in dating situations and showing their independence. Men on the other hand are learning to be much more in touch with feminine side and their way of dealing with women. The problem that I see is men are now losing their masculinity while trying to be appropriate in regards to women’s independence.

Regain your masculinity. The first way to do that is stop asking permission to want what you want and to pursue what you want. Leave room for taking a step backwards and understanding when you shouldn’t go further (once you’ve failed to push forward a few times). Be a man though! Stop waiting for PERMISSION to go forward. This applies to approaching, escalating, even in your own life and work. Admiral Grace Hopper said, “It is better to ask forgiveness than permission.”

When I look for an indicator of interest or if someone likes me in some way, I am entering the frame of mind that I am seeking permission for what I want. I try to step back at that moment and push forward regardless. This doesn’t apply to un-calibrated escalation. In the our method we give a framework of how you get from one point in the interaction to the next; none of it relies on signals from her though. The only signal that should matter when escalating an interaction is when someone is visibly and undeniably pulling back or exiting the interaction. Women will rarely tell you go ahead, but it is their responsibility to tell you when your advances are unwelcome.

Learn your role as a man, lead. Get out of the mindset of looking for a sign if you are on the right track. You are on the right track until you get your eviction notice. Sorry that’s just how we have to be, get used to it.