Also check out Kelly’s blog at http://www.sexpertkelly.com

But as I was checking out all these different sites I realized there was one important component missing in the discussion. Intimacy. Why is no one talking about intimacy when they are exploring how to improve their sex lives? It is not the act of sex that binds people together. It is intimacy.

When we share intimacy with someone we make the choice to be close and loving to them. But we also choose to be vulnerable. We open ourselves up and take risk. We risk our heart, our feelings, the private thoughts we confide in someone all in a relationship we don’t know will last. There is a cost to everything in life, every choice we make. Risking emotional pain and disappointment is the cost of having love and intimacy in our lives, of possibly really connecting with another.

It amazes me how many questions I get from people asking me how they can talk to their partner about their sex lives. While sexual communication is an important part of a healthy sex life, I am often surprised when people can get naked with someone, explore every part of their body but cannot or do not have the skills to talk to their partner about what is on their mind when it comes to sex. Being able to have those conversations also helps intimacy develop.

When people ask how they can give their partner multiple orgasms or improve their sexual technique or breathe new life into what they report is a dull, unsatisfying sex life, I can’t help but wonder if there is the underlying issue of lack of intimacy.

Having sex with someone is easy. Anyone can learn how to please someone physically. Having intimacy with someone is the real challenge.

Some general signs of flirting include:

Eye Contact: Does this person make eye contact with you? Do they continue to make eye contact with you? In other words, do your eyes meet repeatedly? When they do make eye contact do they hold your gaze for several seconds? These are sure signs someone has noticed you and is interested.

Pupil Size: When you get close enough to someone to have a conversation, check out their pupils. Are they bigger? I am not talking about if you are in a poorly lit environment where everyone’s pupils have to be large in order to see. When people like what they see, their pupils increase in size and they tend to blink more. Dilated pupils are also a sign of sexual arousal.

Smiling: Does this person smile when they are talking to you? Smiling is a BIG signal. It reflects a whole range of positive emotions. If someone is smiling at you they are trying to send you the signal they are enjoying themselves and in the flirting world, smiling can go a long way to making someone feel comfortable and be open to being approached.

Personal Space: This is a biggie and one of the most important body language cues to look for and be aware of. If they enter your personal space, this is an excellent sign that they want to get closer to you. But beware and pay attention because if they enter your space too quickly, they’re more aggressive and you may not want to pursue it further.

Mirroring/Moving in Synch: Does the object of your attention change their body movements to compliment yours? Do they make the same sort of body movements? If so, they are trying to establish a comfort level and show their interest.

Face to Face: When someone is interested in you they face you when talking to you. They also position their body so their knees, legs, feet, and arms extend in the direction of the person they are interested in. Keep in mind if the opposite is happening, they turn away, cross their arms and exhibit very closed off body language. If this is what you are getting from the object of your affection, it is time to move on to someone else because they are trying to show you subtly they are not interested.

Attentive Listening: Is this person paying attention to what you are saying? Are they focusing on your conversation rather than looking around the room? Do they seem interested in what you are talking about? You can tell if someone is genuinely interested in what you are saying versus being fake and making small talk while looking for the escape hatch.

A word of caution: we all know flirting can be fun and exciting and lead to opportunities to interact with others. But one thing that is not mentioned enough when discussing this subject is that people need to exercise caution when getting to know new people. Meeting new people is great but we need to remember that every one has pure motives. So please exercise good judgment when giving out personal information such as phone numbers and addresses. If you click with someone you have been flirting with and you both decide you want to take it to the next level, start by getting an email address or cell phone number and meet in public for your first couple of dates. Until you get to know someone and feel comfortable be smart. If someone really likes and respects you they will be willing to take it at your pace.

Coming up next….gender specific flirting signals.

The first thing to remember is not to take it too seriously. Flirting is meant to be a fun way to break the ice. Don’t go into thinking that you are going to date each person you flirt with or you are setting yourself up for a bunch of big letdowns. Try not to be nervous. Keep in mind that if your flirting is not reciprocated, chances are you will never see the person again anyway. Look at it as an adventure in learning, because if you pay attention, each attempt you make will improve your skills.
Before we go any further with what to do, let’s talk about what NOT to do. Rule number one: don’t flirt with someone you are not interested in. You may end up hurting someone’s feelings. And that is not cool. Don’t use people as practice if you will not be receptive to their reciprocation. You need to practice to hone your skills but make sure it is with someone who you really want to get to know…whether or not that is the outcome. Use sincerity.

Second, pick the appropriate time and place. A funeral, for example is not generally considered the best time and place. Also, if there is someone at work you are interested in, proceed with caution. If you are seen blatantly flirting with a co-worker, or worse, a boss, you will most likely be viewed as unprofessional. Not to mention that many workplaces have policies about dating among employees.

Third, don’t try to be someone or something you are not. People can spot a phony a mile away. What people appreciate the most is when someone is genuine. There is no substitute for it. Put yourself in the other person’s place. Would you want someone to feed you a total line of crap?
It is almost time to get down to the nitty gritty as they say, and talk about what to do to get your flirting off on the right foot. However, there are some general tips to keep in mind as well. If you start out with the aim of just having a conversation with someone rather than focusing on flirting with them, it will help you relax. Also, talking to someone in general is the best way to know if you do want to take it to the next level and flirt with them. They may open their mouth and what they say may be the biggest turn off to you. That has certainly happened to me. Many times have I picked a man out of the crowd, found him attractive and tried to initiate a conversation with him only to change my mind about flirting with him, much less pursuing him after he opened his mouth and was either rude, obnoxious and sometimes even flat out boring. Thank goodness I found out before I sent the signal that I was interested by flirting!

Remember that compliments go a long way and they are a great ice breaker. But be careful! Something you think is a compliment may be misinterpreted and offend someone. And again, the most important thing is to be sincere. Also, whatever you talk about, try to keep it positive. No one flocks to someone who puts out negativity.

If you don’t feel the other person is reciprocating or into you, walk away. Don’t follow them around the bar or party or wherever you are and keep trying. Not only will you look like an idiot, you will look like a stalker. Just accept it as no harm, no foul and move on.

Still to come…more tips and specific instructions for great flirting!

Flirting is fun, daring, and can be cultivated into an art form. How many times have you spotted someone across the room and felt like a magnet is drawing you to them? They catch your eye, peak your interest and when you try to get their attention and they give it to you, there is that Zing! feeling that rushes through you. The excitement, the newness, the possibility that exists as that moment! There is nothing quite like it.

Flirting serves more than one purpose. The first is obvious-it allows you to show someone you are interested. It also tells us if the interest is reciprocated. It can be a prelude to a courtship or something more casual like a sexual encounter. It can also be done as a form of entertainment, or just for fun. This, unfortunately can lead to hurt feelings on the other person’s part as they may be taking it seriously and not be aware that it is all just being done in fun. However what a lot of people don’t realize is that flirting, whether you are the flirter or the flirtee, can really boost your self confidence. We feel good about ourselves when someone flirts with us because we know someone finds us attractive. And when we flirt successfully and get the message across to someone we are interested in it can feel like hitting a home run at the World Series. Sadly, once we get into a relationship, flirting with our partner is often the first thing to go.

Sometimes, when I am out at a bar, restaurant or other public venue I like to sit back and people watch. I find this fascinating. As a sexuality educator I find one of the most interesting experiments is to watch the interactions between people in these situations. In short, watch them flirt! Next time you are in a bar take a look around and watch the body language and behavior of others. If you pay attention you can tell who is interested in whom, and how successful their efforts are. If you pay close attention you can spot people who want to flirt but can’t quite get up the nerve and the people whose flirting skills leave something to be desired.

Indeed, flirting is s skill that comes harder to some. When that person is you, it can be intimidating to watch others flirt with someone, often the same person you desire, with such ease. They seem like a natural.

The flip side of this, of course, is also knowing when someone is flirting with us. Sometimes we are in our own orbit and completely oblivious. Sometimes we don’t pick up in the signals. Sometimes we may think someone is flirting with us but are just not quite sure.

So, in the next few articles I write, we are going to take a serious look at flirting. How it is done by men and women. Are there differences between the genders? Can you tell when someone is flirting with you? How?

Stay tuned and see…..