Since I originally taught an SOI it has changed a bit. I want to discuss this change as well as extend the concept of a SOI to other types of interactions as well.
The whole point of an SOI is that it states where the interaction is going. Would you board a train that’s destination was unknown? Or a better metaphor, how long would you stay on a moving walkway without knowing where it was going? A conversation is similar. After a point people have to know what is going to come of it or they won’t want to continue.
In the case of talking to an attractive man or woman it is important to let them know you are interested in them as more than just a platonic conversation. For men this means using the word “sexy”. Recently I have been working with women and the need to make an SOI is also apparent. For women the word “hot” works well to make their intentions clear. The important thing is that it is linked to something interesting about a person and not to their physical looks.
Originally I used the the format of “Not only are you sexy, but you are also _______”. This is a very effective format because it makes it easier to say it for most people. However it is also a bit sneaky. The whole point of using an SOI is to show your interest, so why should I hide it in front of another statement? Now we use a much more up front SOI; “I think it is really sexy how ______ you are.” For women just replace the word “sexy” for “hot”. The key is owning it, not pausing after you say it waiting for some response. Pausing shows you are in need of their approval or response. Hiding it in front of another statement shows you aren’t comfortable just saying it outright.
The important thing with a SOI is knowing that once you state your intent, you don’t need their approval, response, or acceptance of it. If they continue in the interaction it is clear where it is going and they can get out any time they like. Simply continuing with you means they are accepting your SOI.
However the SOI shouldn’t be relegated only to romantic interactions, it can be used in every interaction. Ladies, ever wanted to know how to shut down advances from someone yet still enjoy talking to them? Make a SOI like “It is really cool meeting you, I love how we can talk like old friends without there being any sexual tension. I’m glad I’ve met a good conversation buddy here.” Or simply “I’m really enjoying talking with you, I can see us becoming good friends in the future.” To guys the word “friend” is just about as loaded as you can get, but clear.
Expanding further on this, you can use a SOI with new friends, bosses, employees, anyone you are establishing a new type of social relationship with.
Examples:
Boss that is also a friend:
“Not only am I going to make you a lot of money, but I can see us becoming good friends as well.”
Strictly working relationship:
“I can tell we are going to get along well, and that we will develop a great working relationship together.”
New Male friend for a guy for a particular interest:
“You are a really cool guy, we definitely have to hang out and get a game of poker going.”
New all around friend (same gender):
“It has been really cool meeting you, we will definitely have to get together again and hang out”
SOI’s should be done fairly quickly in an interaction. I tend to make a SOI within 10-15 min in a conversation or sooner. As a side benefit if my intent is disagreeable with that person then they usually find a way out of the conversation. This is a good thing because I don’t want to waste my time talking to someone who has different intentions as to where the interaction is going. I want it to be clear and honest communication always and by using a SOI I can make sure all of my new interactions are headed in the direction I want them to go in. It also does a favor to the person you are talking to because then they are clear as well.
Social interactions and intentions can often be ambiguous, the SOI is your power tool to be clear and get what you need from your interactions.
March 24th, 2007 at 2:30 am
Hey Dan,
The problem i have “following up on the SOI’ is that it seems so fabricated to suddely say after you told your intent “so, what good books did you read in the past month?” or something in these lines. I know i shouldn’t pause, but just blurting something after it is also kind of lame in my experience. What do you recommmend saying following up the SOI?
Thanks a lot, you da man,
Pieter
March 24th, 2007 at 9:21 am
Ex.
Her: I really enjoy my painting, it is a way i can really express myself.
You: I think that is really sexy that you are so creative
You: What do you paint?
March 24th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Hi Dan!
I like the new, more direct SOI. To me, the “Not only are you sexy but also ____.” SOI just seemed a little contrived and I could never really seeing myself saying that. The new version seems more natural.
-Kaizen
March 26th, 2007 at 5:00 am
Oh Jesus, your instructing women to LJBF! Oh fucking Jesus.
March 26th, 2007 at 11:41 am
I think this makes tons of sense. I can really see using this at the coffee shops and restaurants I go regularly. Telling that cute barista “Great talking with you, I’m going to look forward to chatting with you next time I come in/hearing about your trip to Zimbabwe next time I see you” could be a great way reassure her that I don’t expect more than a friendly face and good conversation when I come in. (I don’t want to ruin these places by hitting on the staff…customers are fair game!)
btw, Dan, I find the way the text is centered a little harder to read than it would be if it were left-justified.
Tom
March 26th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Hmm looks left justified to me. I’ll check it out.
As for ljbf, wouldn’t you rather know sooner rather than later?
March 27th, 2007 at 5:34 am
Interesting. I never really followed the formate anyway. I just kinf of formulate an SOI on the spot. Some are good, some not so good. But I’m for sure liking the more direct line. The more direct the better in my opinion.
http://www.DirectNaturalGame.com
March 31st, 2007 at 2:10 pm
a girl once called me hot… then her friend dragged her off to the bathroom away from me.
=(
April 1st, 2007 at 12:18 pm
how about this?
“I think it’s really sexy that you aren’t wearing any panties.”
April 2nd, 2007 at 8:21 am
I love the new version better. It’s more upfront and sounds more natural. I’m in with Roulette though, I rarely stick to pre-formatted sentences, unless I wanna test them out. Linked to your blog, btw, hope that’s ok.
April 2nd, 2007 at 1:36 pm
“I think it’s really sexy that you aren’t wearing any panties.”
i think the above statement is better used later, after the SOI.
April 6th, 2007 at 10:31 am
I love the SOIs
So far the best SOIs I’ve throw out are SOIs where I find what girls really value (it’s different for every girl). Then show my interested based on that. It’s like throwing gasoline into the fire. Very Powerful! 
April 24th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Great post. I love it.
Bests,
El Mandala.
Bs. As. Argentina.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:03 am
[...] showing your sexual interest, then lay it on the line and tell her your agenda in the form of an SOI or Sexual Barrier. This makes your agenda no longer hidden, and also not so hard to get to. We have [...]