Someone once asked me a party question, “Would you cheat if you didn’t know if your relationship was going to survive, you were very intoxicated, you met your fantasy person, and you knew you wouldn’t get caught.” Men almost always say yes. Women I find if honest most of the times say yes and those that say no, often have been cheated on so badly they are very strongly against cheating.
Cheating happens with men for several reasons. Men do have some genetic proclivity for spreading their genes among different partners. However I do not believe that is a major influence on our behavior in the modern world. Men do fantasize about being with many different women. I don’t think there is a man out there who wouldn’t if given the opportunity go through a period of having sex with multiple women at the same time and different times if there was no consequence. Many men secretly resent the fact that in their lives women have always chosen them and they have not had the choice with what women they want to be with. One of the biggest motivations for men coming to my workshops is to have more choice of women they enter relationships with, not just take the one who says yes to them.
I actually encourage men to take some time and don’t get in a relationship right away. Date around and have multiple casual relationships for a while. If men don’t do that they often will always have the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. “Sowing your wild oats” is an old phrase that clearly shows this is something men have done for a long time, and may need to do. Once they have dated around then they quickly realize a loving relationship is preferable to being a bachelor and they can be happier in a relationship without wandering.
While my personal experience the only cheating I have done was with someone who I had poorly defined relationship boundaries with. We were in an open relationship and I had sex with a woman when I got drunk on New Years Eve. My girlfriend and I at the time had talked about becoming exclusive but she still had not moved back to where I was living. I told her about my indiscretion the very next morning and our relationship was finished for good.
Ambiguous Relationship Situation
If we do not respect our partner or the boundaries of our relationship are blurry (broken up, working things out, time or distance separation) and the opportunity arises, men will cheat if they think they can get away with it. This was my reason. I really didn’t want to be in a relationship but I didn’t think I could find better. I rationalized because we were in an ambiguous situation I could still do it without consequences.
Our Fantasy Woman
Most men I have talked to will cheat at the drop of a hat if a woman so far above our league gives us the opportunity to. This comes from the resentment of men feeling they have settled with a woman they can get and not having the opportunity to choose women who are perceived out of their league. This is why men with more experience can sometimes be more faithful than men with less because they have been with their “10” and realize there is more to a woman than her looks.
Self-Sabotage
I would say this is one of the strongest reasons people in general cheat, both men and women. If people are unhappy yet are not willing to voice that, sooner or later they will subconsciously or consciously sabotage the situation. It is always easier to be broken up with than do it yourself if you want out. Cheating is often the reason we manifest to get out of an un-happy relationship. We feel trapped and human nature when feeling trapped and restricted is to try to get free. Also a jealous partner only makes us feel even more trapped, especially if we have been faithful. Jealousy shows a lack of trust. Some women feel jealousy shows men they care; to us it signals distrust. I have often said to other men about my girlfriends “If someone can take her away from me they can have her. It is her choice to be with me.” My lack of jealousy and restriction shows respect to her and the more I respect her the more likely she will not want to jeopardize that trust.
My view on relationships is a bit different. I set forward when I decide to get into an exclusive relationship that I cannot choose her fidelity for her. I give her complete freedom to choose to be with me or not. I of course will make my choices if she chooses to be unfaithful and those of course are the natural consequences of her actions. However I am not saying I forbid her or put any restrictions on her that are not of her own choosing. I also believe that it is my choice whether to be faithful and I have to choose that. All actions have consequences and those consequences are from my actions not from any restriction she puts on me. This may seem like play on words but what it does is remind each of us we are free to do whatever we want. It is only us that choose our actions; restrictions from outside will only make us rebel against them.
I also do believe in people making mistakes. During rough spots in relationships, with too much alcohol, and the opportunity arises it is easy to make a mistake. I want to know that I have the option to forgive infidelity because I didn’t put restrictions on someone. If I say “I’ll leave you if you cheat on me” up front and they knew that when they did it, I paint myself into a corner. I won’t regain any respect from them from taking them back and in fact could be encouraging them to do it again. However if I am facing that choice knowing it was their own restrictions they violated, I am much more free to be strong and see the situation out to whatever end. I may not take them back, but at least now the stage is set for me choose for myself.
Only communication will get you through infidelity and prevent it. Strong communication about the good times and bad will be what holds a relationship together. It may seem hard to talk about it when things are going badly, but that is when it is most important to do so. If one person or the other is not willing to communicate or get some help communicating, trouble is in the future.
Tags: Cheating, Communication, Distrust, Infidelity, Jealousy, Relationships
December 12th, 2008 at 9:29 am
completely agree
December 16th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I do not disagree with what you write here but the discussion is a missing a critical element for me. Infidelity is one thing if you are 19 and learning about dating and another thing altogether if you are 32 and married with kids and a mortgage / joint finances.
In a long term committed relationship we draw a portion of our identity from the relationship. It is the shattering of this identity that makes the discovery of infidelity so painful. Did you know that many “betrayed” partners have described the discovery of unfaithfulness as more painful than rape?
There are dozens of books and studies to back this up, but just check out survivinginfidelity.com and read in “Just Found Out” for a few minutes.
I enjoy your work, Dan. Good luck.
November 27th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
[...] Charisma Tips » Cheating; Why We Do It [...]
May 22nd, 2010 at 9:57 am
Great post! This explains just what I thought about why most men seem to be constantly searching for a better deal and end up ruining a good thing.It all boils down to your precious egos’ which are the worst thing a man could have. Communication is almost a longshot considering men and women have been conditioned since childhood to communicate differently and often misunderstand each other..
So the cycle continues..