Happy Thanksgiving!
There is so much that I love about thanksgiving. Warm steamy turkey, the honeyed taste of sweet potatoes, and the strange shape that cranberry sauce is when it comes out of the can. Although I have a very small family I usually tag along with an adopted family. Seeing everyone gather and reconnect makes me almost wish I had a larger family, at least until the arguments start. Yes, thanksgiving is the time of family drama as well.
Arguments are rarely about what is being said and are more about how it’s being said. The subject doesn’t really matter it starts when one person thinks their right and another or many others think they are right in opposition. Here are a few tips to diffuse an argument.
Make sure they feel heard
Many arguments are simply about one person not feeling that people are hearing what they are saying. This happens when everyone thinks they are right and refuse to even validate what the other person is saying. Try repeating back to a person what you think they are saying and their main point. “What I understand you are saying is….” When you do this then you set your point of view aside for a moment and make sure you are actually listening. Often this diffuses an argument simply because no one took the time to fully understand others point of view. Also it resolves the conflict of someone needing to be heard, this alone can sometimes do the trick.
Validate their point before presenting yours
Take their point of view and see the validity of it before you put an opposing view to them. “I can see what you are saying about McCain being more experienced. I think he has served his country well and knows what we need to do to get our economy back on track. I think he would have been a great choice for president, but I am excited to see what changes come when Obama takes some risks that are outside traditional thinking.”
Regardless of your political views, (which by the way I find religion and politics the most argument inducing, conflict generating topics) look at the structure of the above statement. We validate the opinion of the other person first, see what you can agree on and tell them that, then present your opinion.
Keep your statements in the “I” voice
When you tell someone “how it is” there is a lot of room for disagreement. When I tell someone “how I feel”, there is no disputing it because they are my feelings. “I feel uncomfortable when you say those things to me. I know I’ve made mistakes and I am not perfect but I am working towards what I think the best path is.” It is undisputable if you talk about your feelings. If someone continues to argue, you simply say “I understand what you are saying but this is how I feel”
Try these three techniques at your family gathering when some drama arises or in the future when you have to deal with conflict. Arguments are often settled when no one’s point of view is being threatened anymore. We can’t always change someone’s point of view, but we can take the time to understand it and put ours in a way that is not in direct conflict.
Tags: Arguments, Conflict Management, Drama
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November 29th, 2008 at 6:06 am
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