I have to admit I am a pretty selfish self-centered guy. My excuse is I grew up an only child. Even my Mom teases me about how “confident” I can be sometimes. The fact is that sometimes my assertiveness doesn’t leave room for other people to feel comfortable with their thoughts, ideas, and opinions.
I’ve struggled a lot over my life with this and its effect on my social interactions. I still struggle with it. However over the last year of being an instructor I found that I started doing a lot of disqualification and it had an interesting effect on my tolerance of other people and ideas. Always practicing seeing an opposite point of view so that I could disqualify gave me the skills to start being a much less overbearing personality yet still retaining my confidence.
There becomes a choice of paths to go down when you encounter an opposing idea. You can agree with it, however if you truly disagree then you are being false and will come off weak if you are always doing that. Another option is that you can disagree and assert your opinion (which you obviously feel is correct and superior). Of course the trouble with this is that it causes a conflict. It really doesn’t matter who is right; if you are dominant in explaining or debating, the other person will feel defensive, and if proven wrong may even feel anger, and be indignant. Neither choice leaves both people feeling good.
Another option is available. People want to be heard and acknowledged no matter the validity of their words. Sometimes it is more important than even being right. I try to verbalize that I understand and hear someone’s point of view before I assert my own. Then I put my opinion in a non-contradictory way. I can also proactively do this by stating my opinions and always put out an example of when I have been wrong as well.
Some Examples.
Them: I like Hitler
Me: I can totally see your point of view; he most certainly was an incredibly charismatic riveting leader that united his people. Although I disagree with his tactics I can see why you feel that way.
Them: I like to tease midgets and disabled people
Me: I have to admit I’ve definitely giggled a bit when that little guy with a hat full of nachos walked around when I was in Mexico. Of course I try not to because I realize they are people too, but I definitely understand where you are coming from.
Me: Personally I just can’t stand when people are so intolerant of other people. I have to admit I am completely intolerant to intolerance [playful grin]. I mean I always try to see people as who they are and not judge them, however sometimes I do jump to making presumptions about people as once in a while.
These examples are drastic. However I did have an experience where I was really interested in a girl and then all of a sudden she says about an overweight woman walking by, “Whoa, look at that whale!”
I let slip “That’s awful!” Recovering I followed with, “But I definitely have thought the same thing at times.” This immediately showed me this is not the kind of woman I want to be with, however I didn’t want to make her feel bad for her comments. I just changed the subject at that point and moved on. Suffice it to say I didn’t call her though.
It is not my place to change someone else. For those of you who have read my articles The art of not qualifying and To Qualify, or not to Qualify; DQ is the Question, understand I want someone to feel so comfortable around me they show their true nature instead of what they think I want to see.
If I take their point of view I am not necessarily agreeing with it, I am only validating that that is indeed their point of view and I hear it. I can state my point of view and be heard much better when they don’t feel defensive or in conflict with mine. Learning disqualification allowed me to learn to be a lot more tolerant of all people and ideas, although sometimes I am still an overbearing tyrant in a conversation 
May 11th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Dan, I think there are times when a person has attitudes that are so repugnant that you simply have to take a stand and not play games with them. The Hitler example for one. If someone admires Hitler, they are not someone with which I would like to associate with, I would simply exit as soon as possible. Also, were anyone to overhear you saying that Hitler was “an incredibly charismatic riveting leader”, they are not going to care about the reasons why you said it (ie. Juggler Method). All they will think, and tell there friends, and the media, etc. is that you admire Hitler. The mud will have stuck and no amount of explaining about DQ’ing, relating and the theory of Juggler Method that explains WHY you related to his comment will convince them otherwise. This is the pragmatic edge of relating – we have to remember what world we actually live in and be very careful when it comes to hot-button topics like Hitler, terrorism, etc.
May 11th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
My point is not to relate there, it is that if i can do it with such an extreme example a less extreme topic is easier. However in less extreme topics if i can’t see their point of view and i get judgemental then maybe they won’t ever feel comfortable enough to let me know their extreme views.
May 13th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Hey man, love the blog&podcasts, please keep it up!