I have known some awful flirts in my time, primarily me. I remember when at one point this woman was shamelessly flirting with me and everything was going over my head. She finally said to me “You really are bad at flirting you know!”
Not everyone gets flirting. It is a special playful rapport that is like a tennis game. If you don’t return the ball the game is over. In my efforts to learn flirting I stumbled a lot and either was too forward or too oblivious to see when it was hit my way. I also know plenty of women who are just as bad. I recall one woman who I was joking around and gave her a very small playful hip bump (physical flirtation). She takes her one misstep and completely ignores it and continues the conversation. A classic example of letting the ball go by.
Flirting is all about lobbing a few tennis balls over the net until you get a return. If the person you are flirting with doesn’t return any of them you are going to have to take another approach. In fact in the method that I teach there are plenty of ways to move forward and be successful without being a good flirt. I should know I had to learn something that worked even while not being a good flirt. When you do get someone willing to flirt back with you it is an exciting fun way to amp up the sexual tension.
The first step in good flirting is to start with some small innuendo and see if they pick up on it and run with it.
Me: Well I can see why it might be difficult to explain, I’m sure they got a bit distracted talking to you.
Her: Oh really, then why is it you aren’t having any trouble?
Me: I had to fortify my defenses against your feminine charm before I came out.
Her: Oh, and how are they holding up?
Me: Well if you keep looking at me that way, I’m doomed.
Her: Well in that case. –she stares deeply in to my eyes-
Me: You win; I guess I’m just going to have to kiss you now.
Notice it started off very subtle and each time she went with it, I intensified it strongly. You know you have succeeded when she blushes, all of a sudden turns shy, or playfully hits you.
Her: I’m kicking myself now for it.
Me: Careful those sexy legs are dangerous!
Her: Nah, they are just for show.
Me: Good cause I am enjoying the show. -sly grin-
Her: -hits me in the arm playfully-
Flirting will naturally escalate to a certain point and is a great way to move things forward. If she keeps returning your flirtation, you keep going with it. If she stops by playing shy, blushing, or hits you playfully, that is a sign to stop that line of flirting for a moment and go back to normal conversation and start again with more subtle flirting. The game is simple. You throw a few flirtatious comments out until one gets accepted and returned (even if it is just an acknowledgement and a willingness for another to come) and then you make the next one a little more obvious and direct. Each time you get a return flirt you keep intensifying it until she stops returning the flirt or the flirting is diffused by her acting shy or she does the playful arm hit and or says something like “You’re bad!”
Flirting takes practice, and you are going to have to be ok with making mistakes. Sometimes you won’t get any of your flirting returned and sometimes you might come off a little too forward. That is where learning sexual barriers will come in because they will give you surefire techniques to save yourself if you were too forward. Sexual barriers work even when your with someone who is not very flirty. For a good discussion of Sexual barriers check out Sexual Escalation – Audio
Good luck on your flirting adventures and remember to have fun and don’t take anything too seriously. Get your flirt on!
Tags: attraction, banter, escalation, Flirting, playful, rapport, romance, sexual escalation
February 7th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Great explanation of something that a lot of guys (myself included) struggle with. Thanks alot!
February 8th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Recently coming out of a LTR, I’ve really got to work on improving my flirting. Any tips of practicing? I also find it difficult to be flirtatious with women who are not so attractive
February 8th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
errata: Any tips for* practicing
February 8th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
I love flirting with older women. They are usually well practiced and it is usually obvious I am just flirting and not interested in a romantic relationship.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:41 am
hm, I guess I’m mixing the difference between playful banter and sexual flirting.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:45 am
They are not always a different thing. Flirting can be intensely sexual or just slightly suggestive.
February 12th, 2009 at 9:05 am
awesome, this post was informative because I’m one that struggles with flirting too! I feel like a bulldozer plowing through buildings with debris covering my windshield trying to find that special prize. I’m sure I’ve passed it at least 6 or 7 times.