I write and talk a lot about not having an agenda. I recently had Wayne drop in on a workshop and talk about hidden agenda. I realized it is not the agenda is bad, in fact if a girl asks me if I’m hitting on her I tell her “Absolutely!” Or I will often put a sexual barrier up and say “Well I’m definitely taking you home later to do naughty things to you, but first you need to get to know me better.” If that isn’t an agenda I don’t know what is.
Hell I’m a guy, and despite my moralistic pedestal I put myself on, I like to get laid just as much as any other guy. It is easy for me to muse on about how I want a quality woman I appreciate before I want to have sex with her, however that is because I am getting laid. I know a lot of guys out there aren’t getting laid and are at the point of pretty much wanting to fuck anything on two legs. That is because of a scarcity mentality. Of course it is a lot easier to break that once abundance comes. So bare with me as I now return to being a guy with abundance telling you guys without it how you shouldn’t have an agenda. However, I am going to do it with a twist.
Let’s figure out what is so wrong with having an agenda.
Hidden agenda invokes mistrust.
If I lay it all on the line and tell her I want to sleep with her, but put it in the form of a sexual barrier, my agenda is clear and easy for her to see and negotiate her wants, needs, and desires around. However if my agenda is hidden, she never knows when I am going to pounce on her or how I am going to get what I want.
Hidden agenda shows you are not comfortable revealing what you want.
One of the complaints about “nice guys” is that they pussyfoot around with making things sexual. She then wonders why they are talking to her. Is he actually attracted to her or is he just friendly, what is it that he wants? Does he know what he wants?
Hidden agenda displaces the existence of other beneficial agendas.
If she senses what you are really after is sex, in her mind it degrades and negates the possibility of simultaneous goals like finding out whom she is as a person. Not only does it do that for her but it does it to you as well. When you are focused only on getting her in bed it is a lot harder to see there are other benefits and goals along the way.
Think how much easier it would be just to tell a girl up front you want to sleep with her then get to enjoy the process of getting to know her, flirt with her, and having fun. I remember I was so afraid to tell a girl these things when I first started out; I was always worried how to get what I wanted, which was sex. I felt like I had to convince her that was not what I wanted to get it. Weird logic, but admit it, many of you out there still think this way.
So let’s turn this idea of not having an agenda around. Having no agenda does mean live in the moment, you may very well find out you don’t want to sleep with her later. Perhaps she is mean to puppies. However now you are attracted to her and that is ok. After she knows you like her for her uniqueness, a prerequisite for showing your sexual interest, then lay it on the line and tell her your agenda in the form of an SOI or Sexual Barrier. This makes your agenda no longer hidden, and also not so hard to get to. We have a metaphor that a woman won’t get into your car if you are blindfolded. Interactions are the same, she won’t go anywhere with you if you don’t know how to negotiate around obstacles (like relationship status, protective friends, and other logistics). However make it easier on yourself by telling her where you are going and let her help you get there.
The way to a woman’s heart, or at least into her pants, is a joint effort. Let her give you the treasure map. She won’t do that if she doesn’t know you want to get there.
June 18th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
I think this makes more sense. I love to see the refinement of ideas going on.
Thank you
June 18th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
This goes back to the fundamental tenet of being a person that’s true to him/herself. If the guy can’t accept what he wants and he feels the need to hide, why would any girl of value would want to be with him?
Guys, who have hidden agendas, tend to covertly scheme and plan to “get the girl” rather than having fun, enjoying company of others and being social.
June 18th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
Thank goodness for that, can’t tell you how much relief this makes me feel, the way you described the confusion is exactly how I feel. I don’t have to feel bad about wanting to jump her bones any more I can tell he lol. Thanks Dan Class as ussual.
June 23rd, 2007 at 10:09 am
Nolo said it: Class as usual. Thanks so much Dan!
June 28th, 2007 at 10:35 am
Yeah the problem with showing interest is it creates resistance, this is a common experience with SOIs. The girl immediately throws up resistance (”I’m not going to sleep with you”, a Statement of Disinterest). She has her validation so she no longer needs sex with you, at least with any urgency, and she can lean back and make you date her/chase her, and maybe if you’re good enough, and lucky, she’ll sleep with you. Showing interest is disempowering, it gives her power, and takes from yours.
(you SOI, she SODs)
Do you have a mechanism to recover some of your lost power?
Or do you just ignore it, and ‘naturally’ rebuild desirability through conversation which shows your attractive life and experiences?
This is flame-like, sorry, but I do want to know how you handle SODs.
Also the problem I have, sometimes, more here at home, is a conversation is fine for a while, and I am genuninely interested in being entertained, but I can rapidly become try hard.
I run out of things to be interested in, and commit to much energy to the interaction stacking stories whilst getting little from her/them, but appreciation. So while my talk maybe, hopefully, somewhat entertaining, I’m losing value just from the sheer bulk of it I’m throwing out, but I’ve just run out of ways of getting something interesting from her.
Since she hasn’t said anything significant enough to justify going personal i.e. asking about childhood (which is the big endless rapport topic, it seems to me).
If you could reread this, until you have ideas for help.
I think it is a common experience for many men, conversation slowly becoming try hard as things I’m interested in are exhausted.
((It would also be nice if you could acknowledge reading this.))
Love you man, on you’re mighty moral pedastal an’ all.
Well today.
x
G.