How to Approach Women

July 25th, 2007

Here is a little video about approaching with good vibe and commitment. Since I could talk till i’m blue in the face about vibe and not get anywhere, here is a video!

43 Responses to “How to Approach Women”

  1. hub_bub Says:

    This was a very welcomed surprise.

    Mucho grassias

  2. daniel Says:

    Some may say the best things in life arent free…
    This is the best advise i had in years…and it’s free :)
    Allways a great pleasure to hear you speak, even graeter to finelly see you.
    THANKS.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Ah I enjoyed that.

    Was actually watching a blogcast by your competitors, Mystery and Lovedrop were lying back semi-supine on a couch and I was like ‘YIKES! That’s gonna wreck your spine’.

  4. Anon Says:

    Hey Dan… another quality post and info we can use (as usual). This kind of stuff (podcast, seminar audios, vids etc.) separates you from the rest who just blog a bunch of generalities or vague comments hoping they can sell products or bootcamps. The ironic part is that when you post useful stuff you get more cred and probably end up getting more paid training anyway.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    i don’t know, you guys seem to go to the other end of the extreme of being too nice, honestly if someone were to come up to me with that kind of approach i would be thinking, what are they triying to sell me?? I do very well in bars and clubs with things taht are situational or a simple whats u, i think that girls definitly get the vibe that your trying to get something from them when you open like this, even if you are not, because honestly when i go out i am not looking to hook up or anythign I have no neediness vibe about me whatsoever, I currently have 3 girlfriends ut am alwyas looking to expand, I would really like to work with dan sometime and see how his approach differs from mine if anything because we look alike.

    good day sir

  6. Mike B. Says:

    Hey Dan!

    It was a pleasure being part of your film crew for this!

  7. jason Says:

    I really like the fact that you took time out of your day and shared valuable tips that will indeed help me. Will there be more free tips like this in the future?

  8. Clarity Says:

    Hey Dan, I loved this post I hope you think about doing some more video shorts like this in the future. I’ve been a big fan of your podcasts but being able to see what you’re talking about is even better. Hopefully the upcoming Charisma Arts DVD will be similar in style. I hope you and the other instructors are all getting some face time as well.

  9. GWH Says:

    Dan, I have loved your blog and I am definitely still a rookie. It seems like this could only be done with a direct approach. A big part of JM is finding something unique about a girl to justify your sexual attraction. This seems like you are putting a lot of effort into someone you know nothing about.

    Again, I hope this doesn’t come off as an attack. I really appreciate what you have done on this blog and I just want to make sure I understand what you are saying. Thanks again.

  10. Alexandra Says:

    Great video Dan! Everything you point out in your video is just how it should be. Being friendly and genuine almost always works perfectly. You have to be careful though that it doesn’t come off creepy. That’s hard to do however when you make things as simple as you say. It’s refreshing when a guy seems to be committed to the interaction with a warm vibe. This always stands out in a crowd.

    -Alexandra

  11. SocialHitchHiker Says:

    Just try it. Warm and friendly works great. They may think at first what is your agenda however in moments when they see you are just a friendly guy they immediately respond.

  12. thesmoothoperator Says:

    Thank you much. This short video was better and more helpful than 99% of the 6 hour community videos out there in terms of demonstration, content, and clarity. Thanks again!

  13. Kit Says:

    Hey Dan. Great to finally *see* you! Very nice demo. *Full* commitment (such as the kino vacuum) is so important for this approach to work.

    Wayne teaches a variation of this that works very well for me. It’s a step more reserved at first, but by the end it’s even warmer. It goes like this:

    Juggler: Hi, what’s your name? [No offer of hand, neutral facial expression, vacuum.]

    Her: Sue.

    Juggler: [warm smile, offer of hand] Hey Sue. I’m Wayne. Glad to meet you. [warm handshake]

    The handshake and smile is a small reward for her telling him her name. I like doing this variation for two reasons. First, I take her on a bit of an emotional ride right away. Second, it puts me in the mindset of approval-giving right away because there’s no reward until she commits. For an (ex?) approval-seeking guy, I need this reminder.

    That said, the kino-vacuum you use shows such commitment that it’s almost impossible for her not to follow your lead.

    I look forward to more videos.

    Kit

  14. Joe Says:

    Kit- I like this alot more, thanks for the info Dan keep em coming

  15. SocialHitchHiker Says:

    Honestly either works. However I would say with Wayne’s method i have seen guys not commit enough and the girl just ignores them. Of course they can do that with my method as well, however with your hand sitting there awaiting their handshake they can’t act like they didn’t hear you. If you do use Wayne’s method i’d reccomend you kino her with the back of your hand on her upper arm until she responds.

  16. Jens Says:

    Dynamite! Thanks a million.

  17. Joe Says:

    Dan, do you ever open with anything situational, thats what I almost always do and then i’ll do the whats your name game

  18. Phantasm Says:

    Love it. Demonstration is worth 1,000 pictures.

  19. Anonymous Says:

    OK, so I’ve approached with commitment and shaken her hand.

    Cool.

    Now what?

  20. SocialHitchHiker Says:

    Try : http://www.charismatips.com/?p=57 “The first three minutes”

    Situational openers are great, i use them all the time. However in a bar just introducing myself works great too.

  21. Jeff Says:

    I got alot of value out of watching this video. Thanks Dan. I have to follow up with what an anonymous poster above asked. Myself, I am quite introverted, so I can open like this, but then I just don’t know how to proceed. Yes, I know you are supposed to ask open ended questions and make statements and such, but just as you said you could talk until you are blue in the face about vibe on opening, I think the same thing could be said about the first couple minutes as well. Maybe you could post a video similar to this breaking down the first few minutes of an approach. Not necessarily a real approach, you could use the services of a girl friend, to interact, then stop to explain the skill, maybe get her reaction to the emotional impact for her of what you are doing, etc.

  22. Joe Says:

    *** How to escalate ***
    By Wayne Elise

    Imagine if I walked up to you and gave you a gift, football
    tickets, a nice leather wallet, or whatever you value. What
    would you think? Would you take it? Yes probably, but chances
    are you would be suspicious, ‘Why is Wayne, who I have never met,
    giving me a gift?’

    But now imagine that everyone you came across gave you a gift.

    Besides becoming much more outgoing, you would probably become
    blasé about the whole transaction. “Hi, nice to meet you. Blah,
    blah, blah. Where’s my gift? What no ribbon? Go back and wrap
    it properly.” You might just begin to take people who gave you
    things for granted. Being rewarded for no effort on your part
    would spoil you.

    That is the reality for many attractive women. Men reward them
    just because they look good. No effort required. As a technique
    for getting women, this rarely pays off. Women get over the
    delight of being fawned over by the boys for their looks by the
    time they are thirteen. That type attention from men is no
    longer a delight or even a novelty. A woman only feels a
    momentary boost to her ego followed by a quick return to the
    search for something more valuable.

    Some men have discovered a ’solution’ to this problem. Their
    game is simple. They refuse to show any attraction towards a
    woman. Countless ‘revolutionary’ be successful with women
    techniques are variations on this theme: Play hard to get, act
    cocky, be distant and a woman will come begging for you. For a
    man who has been giving his interest away too easily this can
    feel empowering. No longer is he a suck-up!

    But not all simple solutions are effective solutions.

    You cannot escalate an interaction towards a sexual or romantic
    conclusion without showing interest in a woman.

    I will explain.

    Attractive women will not throw themselves at a man. To do so
    implies desperation and desperate women are the scorn of women
    everywhere. Take the term ’slut’. When a woman calls another
    woman a ’slut’ this does not imply she has many sexual partners.

    ‘The term ’slut’ is understood among women to imply a woman who
    must throw herself at men for attention. She is acting
    desperate. No woman wants to be thought as desperate.

    Women will rarely take the lead and show interest in you first.
    They don’t want to look like a desperate ’slut’. Therefore if
    you refuse to show interest in women you will repeatedly find
    yourself in situations that can be nice, can be fun, can even
    lead to dates like the one I describe in my ebook where I used to
    end up alone next to her in the dark but embarrasingly unable to
    make anything happen. Neither of you are willing to take the
    lead and push the interaction towards sexual flirting. (For more
    on anti-desperatation see my blog here:

    http://www.charismaarts.com/blog/Juggler/29 )

    On the face of it, it seems you are doomed. Show interest and
    lose value, don’t show interest and have nothing happen. But
    wait, there is another concept that makes escalation possible.

    *** Effort and reward ***

    Imagine that you washed and polished my Vespa. And then I gave
    you a gift. How would you feel? You would probably feel as if
    you earned that gift. You would value the reward I paid you.

    That is how we want our interactions with women to be. Effort
    matched with appropriate reward is the basis of effective
    escalation.

    You want to show growing interest in a woman based on the effort
    she makes in putting herself into the interaction. That is how
    you escalate.

    So what constitutes her effort? I define effort as her putting
    her unique, individual self into the conversation. If you show
    interest based on her individuality, that she has made an effort
    to reveal, then she will value your interest. You can escalate
    an interaction towards a sexual or romantic outcome.

    Here are some examples both good and bad.

    Her: “I teach second grade.”

    You: “Wow, that is amazing. You are such a great person for
    teaching kids. Can I take you home to meet my mother?”

    Her: “Ack!” (As she is running away.)

    That was TOO MUCH reward for the amount of individuality that she
    revealed. There is a disconnect. She will feel that you could
    not really possibly be appreciating her. She will feel that she
    has not said anything to deserve your adulation. This makes her
    uncomfortable and suspicious of your interest. Let’s try that
    again.

    Her: “I’m a school teacher. My favorite student is Kyle who has
    six toes on each foot. I swear this is true. He has a sense of
    humor. I don’t like the cry babies. I like the fun kids.”

    You: “Cool. So what town do you live in?”

    Her: “What does it matter? Hey I see some friends I need to talk
    with, bye.”

    Here we have the opposite problem. There was no reward for her
    after she chose to reveal something interesting and specific to
    herself. We blew by this and went for something unrelated.

    Women have an instinct for the rules of escalation. She senses
    that you will be unable to take the interaction anywhere
    interesting. She gets bored and leaves.

    Her: “I’m a school teacher.”

    You: “Hey I thought about becoming a teacher before.”

    Her: “Really?”

    You: “Yeah. So tell me, how do you keep your kids in line?”

    Her: “I just put a tone in my voice that I mean business.”

    You: “Yeah, I am too easy going to be tough on the rug rats. Let
    me see your serious, better-sit-down and shut-up face.”

    She furrows her brow and tightens her lips.

    You: “That is scary. Any woman who can be that scary is the
    woman for me. I have got to get to know you better.”

    Her: (laughing) “Sounds good.”

    He: “Let’s go sit over at the couches so that we can be more
    comfortable.”

    This works much better. It is just the right amount of interest
    based on the individuality that she revealed to you. Notice that
    you are able to advance the interaction (In this case by moving
    to a more intimate environment.) That is how you escalate.

    Escalation has two components:

    1. A reason you are choosing to escalate. This comes from
    something that she has done or said to you. She must feel as if
    she has done something to deserve your increased interest.

    2. A clear statement of how you want to raise the stakes of the
    interaction. “I want to get to know you better,” or “Let’s go
    for coffee,” or “I find you sexy.”

    Women believe any guy worth having takes work getting. On a
    larger scale this is true for all people. Rarely do humans place
    the correct intrinsic value on things. They value things
    relative to how much they have to work to get them.

    On a related note, check out this blog I wrote:

    http://www.charismaarts.com/blog/Juggler/51

    Also, in ‘How to Meet and Connect with Women’, I discuss the

    difference between genuine interest and desperate interest. Have
    you had a chance to check it out yet?

    All the best,

    Wayne “Juggler” Elise

  23. goose__ Says:

    My first SOI.

    So I’m sitting in the pleasance, on my own, flicking through a program waiting for the next show and the leafletters start approaching.

    The first one blonde, general comedy management program, this is good it means she’s not seen one show and is just pushing that, I might get something decent.

    So I listen to her push a few things in it, one which is shortlisted anyway (so almost certain), I make a few acknowledging sounds, she sits down besides me, encouraged and continues, and stops and I say ‘I find your enthusiasm very sexy’.

    And then vacumn. (I wasn’t in the leadership role see).
    she says thankyou, seemingly pleased, genuninely, I think Christ must contribute and so go back into festival fluff (I say something about usually picking the conservative things, it’s not really true, I’m the most adventerous person I know, due to bottomless pockets, but I keep telling people this for some reason). Anyway this isn’t exactly thrilling conversation so she says yeah you should see this guy (not shortlisted, I’ll await reviews), and ejects.

    So to learn from that, I can fluff on festival forever, but it’s not that interesting so should have done the name exchange and handshake immediately after SOI, and then ……… I dunno. Anyway, more personal topics right?

    So I resume reading. So next girl. Next flyer. Boring pitch. I don’t think I do want to go to a show because the woman is hot, this really doesn’t persuade me, but I’m gracious.

    Next girl, AH! Another management brochure, sweet. She pitches I tell her I have shows all booked this evening, she enquires ‘what?’, I say ‘I dunno, but it’s in that hut’
    She roars with laughter (weird), and says ‘that’s the best line I’ve heard all day’ (weirder).

    So the SOI is now seemingly burned amongst the Pleasance leafletters. I think there’s a show at the Teviot where some comedienne is teaching men to say ‘sexy’ anyway, so anyway, that was my first SOI.
    Genuninely meant, but taken as ‘a line’, but still as ‘a line’ it was a small sensation amongst the staff.

    So questions, I guess.
    I have SOA’d before, when I have shown interest in a girl, like this, suddenly many other girls, subsequently, got interested in me (as per the cute weird girl above) – are these still all viable targets?
    It’s not a betrayal of your interest in the first girl to seek to find something to approve of in the subsequent ones?
    They’re not gonna think ‘no way am I exchanging number with this horny slut guy? ‘ Or be disappointed?
    Is there any special consideration to be made for pursuing/giving approval to other girls in this circumstance? (i.e. Semi-social-circle/colleagues).

    I think if after my, seemingly well received, SOI I’d gone into some – any – random story, I’d probably have got a good laugh. I dunno.

  24. Anonymous Says:

    I have never heard of such a opening, I MUST ATTEMPT IT!!

  25. Joe Says:

    Hey i don’t beleive you should SOI and the slam a vaccumm on someone, this creates major creepyness in my opinion.

  26. Anonymous Says:

    Joe please try to be more encouraging in future.
    ,
    ,
    The fundamental thing is still the same. SOIing is easy, providing you have interesting questions (and your own answers to state) and you don’t let the conversation drag on to long.
    ,
    Making a credible, non-desperate, personal-escalation in group from small talk is the tough bit. Fucking impossible in my head in fact.
    ,
    ‘What do you guys think the weather’s gonna do?
    hbs: we dunno!
    it’s just I came without a mack, cos’ I’m so vein, and now I’m thinking I’m gonna be soaked.
    hb: ………
    so what are you doing tonight?
    hb: we’re getting druuuuuuuuunk….
    I love the way you say that.
    Hi I’m goose.
    ,
    Yeah right.
    No idea how to make it work, maybe murder myself and be re-born a super-brain like Juggler.
    ,
    Make it real Dan, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

  27. SocialHitchHiker Says:

    One thing i think a lot of people get caught up in is the whole “Reward her with your name” idea. Personally i think for me and a lot of my clients an introduction is not the time for worrying about that. If i was as friendly as I was in the video to one woman in a bar and ignored her friends that would be creepy. However the moment i introduce myself to her friends in the same manner it is showing zero interest to her. What it shows is I am a friendly fun guy.

    Coming up with a lot of commitment touching her on the arm with a strong confident presence and asking her name then introducing yourself is fine. However most guys have a major issue with commitment on that level. Just going in and being friendly creates that commitment. Just two sides to the same coin.

    Joe, i’m not sure i understand why you posted Wayne’s article here, I don’t see the relevance.

    Goose, as harsh as joe was, he was right. It is very awkward to vacuum right after an SOI. Nice job on trying it though.

    I will try to put an audio podcast together on some mock conversations. As always be patient. Kiteboarding is my main goal this month, not pickup ;)

  28. Jason Says:

    lmao this is the wierdest set of posts i have ever seen they have no relevance to the great video and that cracks me up LOL

  29. Anonymous Says:

    FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTASTIC.

    Hey Jason, I leave appreciation to the pros, like yourself.

    If we want to stay on the topic of handshakes, there’s a nice fact from my bodybuilding reading. The only body-building muscle which has been shown to have an effect on life longetivity is improving your grip.

    So the firmer her handshake the longer she will live.
    [from 'the new Rules of lifting']
    Maybe a nice fact in a group if one girl squeezes some.

    push-pull:
    Wow, good handshake, like a mans.
    Wow good handshake, like my Dads.
    Wow good handshake. Is she in the marines?

  30. Joe Says:

    Dan- I thought the relevance of Waynes post was in the beginning when talking about the giving “gifts” all in all though i would say it was all relevant

  31. ThunderChild Says:

    Hey dan, used that out in field last night, good stuff man

  32. SocialHitchHiker Says:

    One note on push pull the way we do it. The ones you listed are more of negs than push pull. A change would be “Damn girl, that is one hell of a deathgrip. I have to say I like it though ;) ” Ending on a pull is much more effective for me.

    Joe, I understand your point now. However me being friendly when i go up to a girl and say hello is not giving her “a gift”. If I were to ONLY be that friendly when i talked to her and not her friends, then i see the relevance. Wayne’s article is all about “desperate interest”; which is when we show interest in a woman that has not done anything to deserve that interest except being hot.

    I approach everyone in the bar with that same vibe and commitment, men and women. Although there are subtle differences with every situation and approach the idea is the same.

  33. Jason Says:

    what if its not a bar? like any place in the day…would u still enter w/ that vibe and commitment? im guessing u would but idk

  34. SocialHitchHiker Says:

    No, in the day time i would come off like a used car salesman doing that. That approach is only for environments that socialization is expected. Bars, parties, concerts, etc.

  35. Learn Life » Blog Archive » Social Skills: How to Introduce Yourself to Others Says:

    [...] The video comes from Charisma Tips. [...]

  36. Anonymous Says:

    “One note on push pull the way we do it. The ones you listed are more of negs than push pull. A change would be “Damn girl, that is one hell of a deathgrip. I have to say I like it though ;) ” Ending on a pull is much more effective for me.”

    Hey Dan I like that, that’s fun!

    However on the ch4 audio Juggler and Johnny are all pull-pushing, put her on a pedastal – kick it away. So I think it is you who just does it that way – because you are a sweetheart.

    Keepin’ it real
    g.

  37. SocialHitchHiker Says:

    Hey G,

    Listen to their tone of voice. What seems like a push is still pulling them in with their tone and body language. Flirting 101 is sticking to push-pull. The expansion of that is to do it all at once with a vocal push and a tone and body language pulling them back in.

  38. Anonymous Says:

    Yeah I understand that, my ‘negs’ (gee whizz thanks for that) can be done ‘from a place of love’, and of course that is imperative for a good reaction. In fact when a tease went wrong once, i.e. it was just sarcastic, that is a cover line I used.

    ‘Flirting is when you say something bad but mean something good’, right! :)

    Having said that I thought your one kicked my arse, I’d written off your ideas on that as pandering to CA’s happy clappy Christians and the women here. But I look at yours, superior to all my three, and think ‘that’s artful’. So if I am going to can them, or postmously analyse a sarge, then I will ask ‘how can I make this push-PULL?’. In fact I’ll probably ask you.

    You’ve changed the world. In a very very small way. :)

    BTW I read MASF today and think Dimitri accused me of being a creep, although it seemed mixed with other people. That thought was horrible. At all times here I have been genuine, I have no agenda to ‘disprove’ anything, only improve, which is why I read your blog and seek your advice.

  39. mio Says:

    Hey Dan, thats an excellent effort. Thank my stars that i bumped into this post. This blog is now in my favorites. Thanks once again. Please do write if you have any series of CDs etc. These 6 minutes conveyed everything that i was trying to grasp since months through Ebooks etc. Thanks once again

  40. Deep Attraction: Emotional Rapport Says:

    [...] How to Approach Women [...]

  41. Whipley Says:

    What if they think I’m gay when I do this?

  42. Dan M Says:

    Answer if you are being a troll:
    Stop hitting on women because obviously they see from your bodylanguage and the overt lisp you aren’t straight.

    Answer if your serious:
    Anytime a woman accuses you of being Gay it is a good thing. Usually they think you are too good to be true and they are trying to find out how you’ll react to a bit of a shit test. To be even slightly mistaken for Gay you have to be extremely comfortable around women, confident, have good style, and usually better than average looks.

  43. webpage Says:

    Asking questions are really pleasant thing if you are not understanding anything fully, except this post presents fastidious understanding yet.

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