I don’t think most of us realize how often we negotiate in everyday situations. Whether we are at the grocery store, interacting with our teacher or boss, meeting someone new, or expressing a desire to a lover or spouse, we are in a constant state of give and take. It took me a while to become aware of how much this was happening. Once I realized it, not only did my communication get better, but I started to have a lot more fun in my interactions.
Ask and you shall receive
The number one thing anyone can do to get they want is to ask for it. This may sound like really basic advice, but I can’t tell you how often I hear people remark about not getting something. I always say “Well, did you ask?”
“Uhhh, no,” is the usual response. Although this can be surprising for the lucky few who have no problem asking for what they want, for the rest of us it can be an epiphany. I know that I was raised thinking that people who asked for what they wanted were self centered, selfish, and not very considerate of others. I would oftentimes hide my wants and desires, convincing myself I was doing the right thing. How wrong I was!
When I started asking for things I was totally blown away by how often my request was met with a “yes” response. I realized that it is actually in our nature as empathetic human beings to say yes when someone makes a request of us. This is one of the most basic principles of negotiating. Determine what you want and ask for it.
The second part of asking for something is giving a reason why. Homeless people are great at this. Notice the success differential of a homeless person who sits around with a cup asking for change, versus another who comes up to you and says, “I’m really hungry. Can you spare some change so I can get a burrito?”
One of my favorite things to do now is to ask for things just to see what the response of the other person will be. It’s fun. I was buying shoes the other day and they had a very slight scuff on them. I said to the salesgirl, “I really want these shoes, but they are scuffed. What kind of discount could I get on them?” She said, “I can give you 20% off.” I saved $15 bucks just by asking. It’s not just at shoe stores with scuffed shoes where you can ask for discounts. I have a friend who asks for discounts everywhere he goes. In ‘n out Burger, Bed Bath and Beyond and Whole Foods are all negotiation candidates for him. He almost always gets a discount on something.
If you are no good at asking for things try this little exercise over the next week. Every day ask someone for one thing that you would normally not ask for. Ask your friend to buy you lunch, ask your boss for a raise, ask the cute checkout girl for her number, ask your boyfriend how he actually feels, ask a stranger for a favor, and ask for discounts everywhere. Try it. It’s a fun experiment and I guarantee you will be amazed at the results.
Negotiation doesn’t have to be adversarial
One misperception I had about negotiating was that it was always adversarial. The only real reference I used to carry around in my head is being on a car lot feeling uncomfortable as the sales guy applied the full court press. In fact most of the negotiation we do daily is fairly relaxed and good natured. And once I realized this, even the situation with car salesman became fun and entertaining as opposed to stressful.
The other day my buddy Richard was telling me about a real estate transaction in which he had made an offer. The owner came back to him with an offer from another investor. The other offer was a little higher than Richard’s but also more than he wanted to pay. However instead of immediately making a counter offer, Richard did something terribly intelligent. He simply asked the seller “What is the most important thing to you in this deal?” It turned out the seller wanted the most money for his property, but was a lot less concerned about how long it took him to get paid. So my friend revised his offer to reflect a very long term payback for the property. By finding out what was important to the seller, he was able to acquire the property for almost no money up front. By thinking creatively, and finding out what the other party wanted, a win-win situation ensued.
I should mention there are situations that may appear adversarial, such as on the car lot. My advice is to make it into a game. Enjoy the back and forth. Educate yourself on the negotiation tactics of car salesman, and be very clear about what you want. Any salesman worth his muster has a number of negotiation techniques up his sleeve and it is a huge advantage to educate yourself before you begin negotiating with a professional. If you Google something like “How to negotiate with a car salesman” you will find plenty of information with which to arm yourself.
Bonding and relating
The principle of bonding or relating is one of the most important things we can do with other people to get them to do what we want. Bonding works on many different levels. The great thing about relating to another person is that it is way easier than you think. By elucidating a shared experience with another person, they are much more likely to be agreeable to your request.
How do we bond with another person quickly? When I ask most people they think they have to find things that they share in common with another person. While this is true, it does not reflect the whole story. Instead of looking for commonalities in terms of activities, ideas, or political affiliations, do something much more powerful. Identify your emotional commonalities with the person with whom you are bonding. A conversation could go something like this:
Me: So what’s something you do outside of work to re-charge your batteries?
You: Gosh I don’t recharge them nearly enough, but when I do like to go to the park and draw in my sketchbook.
Me: I find it way cool that you use creativity to rejuvenate yourself. I like to re-charge by surfing. Not only is it a creative outlet, but also an adrenaline rush, and a way for me to feel connected with nature. By the way, I’d really like to see your sketches sometime.
You: Wow! Thanks, but I’d be embarrassed to show you because I’m not very good.
Me: Ha, ha. Well if you saw me surf I’d be a pretty embarrassed too. Wanna trade embarrassing stories?
Although you may draw, and I don’t really have an artistic bone in my body, we just connected over a mutually shared emotional experience. Instead of having to talk about drawing which I know nothing about, I chose to talk about the emotions of creative expression, connection to nature, and fun. Just because we do two very different things to achieve those goals doesn’t mean we can’t easily relate to the emotions we are experiencing when we are doing them. By paying attention to the feeling experience the other person is communicating and relating back to that experience we can share an endless chain of commonalities.
Since we have now established a connection, when I ask you for a favor you are ten times more likely to say yes than if all we did was stand around the water cooler and talk about the weather. Even if we are in a hard core business negotiation, the fact that we are face to face, and have established rapport means you are still more likely to give me what I want because of our shared connection. The Harvard Business School web site has some excellent articles and links to research that support my empirical experience. Their web site is here: http://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/1517.html
More stuff
There many more ideas, strategies and frameworks in regards to negotiation that I did not mention here. I wanted to give you at least a basic framework with some general ideas on getting what you want through negotiation. I recommend trying to incorporate some of the things I outlined above on a daily basis. There are tons of negotiation books out there as well. I especially recommend those by Roger Dawson. When you take a course with us, many of these topics will be covered and we will give you lots more information and practice on rapport building and getting things you want through skillful negotiation and communication.
Tags: Dating
September 22nd, 2008 at 9:47 am
Three Great Questions when they say “No”.
“What would i need to do to [desired outcome]?”
“Under what circumstances would you [desired outcome]?”
“I’m sure you’ve made an exception before, haven’t you?”
if no “why not?” if yes, ask “why?”
from 4 hour work week, a great book. http://www.fourhourworkweek.com
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:02 am
This is something I need to work on! I have a friend who once called customer service at BestBuy to get something fixed, after chatting happily with the person for about 10 minutes, he asked if they had any incentive programs to help keep him a happy customer.
He got a $25 gift card in the mail.
You also have to let people know what you want if you expect to get it!
(http://www.nathanmcgee.co...eople-know-what-you-want/)