davich

I think people get weirded out by relating to emotions because it seems weird to completely change topics with only the emotion as the relateable link. (”I can appreciate that art makes you happy because I too have experienced happiness in the form of internet pornography…”) It can definitely work, especially with more specific emotions (i.e.: ‘things you’re passionate about’; or ‘a time when you were really scared as a kid’) but it can seem more natural to relate with an emotion and a general topic.

For example, you may not have been to Italy and enjoyed the cuisine there, but you’ve probably travelled somewhere and enjoyed a meal you got. “I really like that you appreciate the food that you got in Italy because I’m the exact same way when I travel. I can relate to that. I’ve never been to Europe, but when I do travel one of my favorite things is discovering great places to eat. Like when I used to go to Boston over the summers I loved going to Quincy Market and eating New England Clam chowder out in the courtyard and watching the street performers ….” And on to more relatable emotions.

So here I’ve taken the emotion of enjoying the food in Italy, zoomed out to a general class of emotional experience, “travelling somewhere new and enjoying the food that place has to offer,” and zoomed back in to a specific experience I had enjoying seafood in Boston.

Hope that’s on the right track. I guess what I’m talking about is relating to an ‘emotional experience’ rather than a raw emotion. I think this is more specific, anyway. Being happy to come home and see your dog is a different kind of happiness than the hapiness of getting the job that you really wanted. One is the happiness of seeing a pet that you love, the other is the excitement and relief of achieving something you were working for. So for the first you could relate about a pet that you loved, even if it’s not a dog, and for the second you could relate with a job you got, or getting into a school that you wanted to go to or something similar.

Anyway, I’m just writing all this to explicitly articulate some things I think are implied by what you’ve already said, not to attempt to ‘improve’ or contradict anything. Thanks for the insights!
–Tim

Willy

Including how you felt the same way as her is great as long as you include other emotions.

The idea behind this post is this is a set of training wheels. It should be abandoned as soon as you can relate naturally.

Just learn to talk about emotions and relate to her emotions with yours, bingo thats all there is to relating.

“Listen as they speak, put myself in their shoes, and decipher what they’re trying to tell me about themselves. He’s telling me a story because he wants me to think he’s cool… how do I let him know that I was listening and that I do think he’s cool?”

In the end this is just two different names for the same thing because I still arrive at some emotion or experience I relate to personally. But I find this method, of giving myself a question to ask, to be very useful.

…Can you include the emotion she felt, or do they have to be three other emotions than the one she mentioned? (or would that be too much like “I felt exactly that too!!!” to her, and thus approvalseeking?)

Thanks, and see you one day,

Willy

Willy

This may be a topic you’ve already touched on that I previously overlooked; When it comes to relate/reward, you emphasize that the goal behind the interaction is to actually convey that you have shared emotions, more so than the actual experiences, which are actually just logistics. But is it necessary that these are always positive emotions? I mean, could you do the same thing and maybe vent about work or gripe about something (in a lighthearted manner of course) and relate to the girl in the same effective manner?