Being sought out for advice is one of the biggest ego trips I could ever imagine. I remember growing up an only child, my self worth was based on the attention other adults gave me as I had few close childhood friends. What impressed them the most was any statement or act of my precociousness. It was my knowledge, apparent maturity, and wisdom at such a young age that was sure to result in that oh so desired attention I sought.
As I got older this became a penchant for giving advice, warranted or not. To this day my self worth is still inextricably linked with the knowledge I can give to others. I hopefully have found a positive outlet for it in my life so it doesn’t affect my personal relations with people, however it is a challenge I work on every day.
The interesting thing I have found is that for women, when guys give advice it creates a notably different response than is intended. Every time I met a woman I was interested in, I tried to impress her with my knowledge by giving her advice on her situation. The remarkable thing was that most of the time she was fairly resistant to my advice no matter how well intentioned. In fact the more advice I gave the more she pulled away from me. Later I realized women who were telling me their issues were doing so to release them. They didn’t need me to solve them they just had to release, to vent the building tension and drama of their situation; if I stopped them and tried to solve their problems, it resulted in them not being able to release, or vent, that frustration. Many were probably saying in their heads “Why is this guy trying to solve my problems, does he really think I’m too stupid to figure it out myself, why can’t he just let me vent and listen instead of interrupting?”
Recently the gravity of just how damaging unwarranted advice can be. It taught me that the true skill of a teacher is not only in their ability to give quality advice, but also to know when not to give advice. A few weeks ago or more I had a client that was quirky in his personality, dress, and mannerisms. I realized that a lot of this was not necessarily holding him back; in fact it was more effectively communicating his personality than a lot of guys could ever hope to do for themselves. Several alumni, and even an instructor from another school I am friends with tried to give him advice to, lose the glasses, dress this way or that, change his hair, etc. I saw myself almost wanting to fall into this mode myself until I really realized that these quirky things about him were really expressing who he is and I didn’t want to change them. There is definitely a time a place for changing a someones look, mannerisms, and other things if they are communicating negatively about him to others he meets. This was not that case.
As a teacher I find it very empowering to give advice. Often I give advice in what I think they should do with my own preferences in mind rather than what is best for them just because I am accustomed to the feeling of empowerment. The challenge whether it is giving advice on fashion, lifestyle, conversation skills, or just about anything is to take my own preferences out of the equation and see when I should avoid giving advice even when someone is asking for it.
Advice is a very powerful thing. To be an advice giver is not something to take lightly. As soon as we discover we have knowledge or experience that others seek, that lure and empowerment of someone seeking it can be very addictive. Giving advice should come from a place of genuinely wanting to help someone, not in trying to feel important or powerful. Sometimes the best advice is giving none at all, and especially only giving advice when it is sought.
August 24th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
I think this is really great post. I meet so many people who loves to gives advice. The sad fact is that the advice they give is really bad because they don’t have the field experience. There are times where I REALLY want to give advice but I always refrain myself from doing it. Last thing I want is an ego boost. Having a big ego will kill my learning curve.
For you, I never got the vibe of you giving advice to feel empowerment. I think we all feel some sort of reward when giving advice. I mean you’re helping people. It feels great to help others but that being said, I’ve seen people who are just doing it for a pathetic ego boost. You’re not one of them!
I think your advice comes from a different place. It is genuine and you have experience as well. I learned a ton from hanging out with you here in Seattle in the last few months. At the same time, I did notice a little of giving advice by using your own preference thing but then I listened to some other gurus out there and the only thing they do is give advice using their own preferences.
On the very bright side, what I love about your advice is that you truly believe what you say. When you tell a guy that he is attractive, you totally look at his face and don’t even flinch or stutter. You don’t flinch and stutter because you truly believe in what you say and definitely care for people. That’s sexy
Sorry, I had to throw it in there 
SocialHitchHiker is the best
August 24th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Dan, you touch on a deep truth here. He who habitually gives advice (myself included) suffers at least a little from the Pygmalion effect–wanting to remake people in his or her own image. In a way it’s because the advice-giver wants a convert, a mirror for their theories so that they won’t be a voice in the wilderness. The CA community suffers from a lot of this, when ultimately people will make their own way.
I’ve definitely been guilty of offering too much advice and frustrated when women don’t take it.
Advice is a useful thing, but its almost like sex. Don’t give in to the urge unless she’s really begging for it.
August 25th, 2007 at 12:55 am
It shows. Trust me! And I mean that as a compliment.
August 25th, 2007 at 7:57 am
Hey Dan,
Love your writing. This post reminded me of this wonderful little book The Inner Game of Tennis where the author realizes the same thing about knowing when to not give advice.
August 25th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
i really enjoyed this post and the comments too.
August 25th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Thanks Dan.
August 26th, 2007 at 5:01 am
I was talking to a friend of mine recently, and she was telling me that she’s not going to date much older guys anymore (like 8 or more years) because they always try to give her advice.
August 27th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Hi Dan,
Great post as always. You bring up such interesting topics, you’re head must constantly be a hive of great ideas!
I agree totally about not trying to fix other peoples problems when all they want is emotional support, reassurance and their mood lifted. If only more guys did that, relationships would be so much more harmonious.
One thing I would add Dan (and this is me giving advice:) You must first create the desire for advice, before passing it on. This is the mistake everyone seems to makes in their arrogance. We assume people will just take us as an authority on the subject. But really we must first get them to see the problem.
You know the old saying: “Don’t give unsolicited advice; the wise don’t need it and the fools won’t heed it.” This itself is great advice. But sometimes you do want to give advice because you can see how it will make a big difference to their lives. I always think back to Socrates and how, by questioning and getting people to explore a problem themselves, they would arrive at the same conclusions as him and feel as if they had done so almost by themselves.
Remember the words of Lao-tzu:
“As for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence. The next best, the people honor and praise. The next, the people fear; and the next, the people hate… When the best leader’s work is done the people say, ‘We did it ourselves!’”
To me this is how best to influence others opinions. When they feel ownership of the solution they are more likely to take the “advice” on board.
So the art of giving advice is really about questioning and getting them to think: First probing to get them to see a gap in their knowledge and understanding, and then questioning in order to improve understanding. It’s not as simple as merely dishing out the advice as you feel like it, but it’s alot more effective.