It is one of the most frustrating things about dating, never receiving the phone call. You meet someone that you actually like and wouldn’t mind getting to know better. The conversation flowed well; there was a touch of flirting back and forth that was playful and you exchanged contact information. The worst part is the feeling of wondering what you did wrong; the not knowing causes our minds come up with all sorts of absurd thoughts to answer why it happened.

I have to admit I’ve been that guy who doesn’t call after getting your number. It really wasn’t anything personal. There was nothing you did wrong; in fact likely it was my fault. We had a fun time talking. After a day or so I thought about calling, I honestly did, but I just wasn’t excited about it enough. In the moment we were having fun and I figured more of that in the future would be good so I should get your number. A day or two later all I really had in my mind about our connection was that we had fun. I’d probably have more fun calling up a buddy or maybe trying to meet someone that I had more of a connection with.

There are a lot of reasons why guys flake, from just getting the number because they wanted to see if they could, finding another woman they like more, to just being busy and it would feel weird to call since too much time has passed. It is going to happen to everyone, but there are some things you can do to try to minimize it.

One of the most important things I feel when I meet a woman I plan on calling is that I find something interesting about her. We have either a common interest, or I find that person intriguing. Our interaction went beyond flirting and fun and a deeper connection was made. In our workshops we spend a lot of time working with people to relate with anyone about anything. Forming that connection so he knows you two have things in common and leaving him with a feeling that you are interesting and intriguing is the main goal.

Having a good sense of who you are and answering questions in a way that reveals a bit more about you will go a long way. Also don’t forget to find out what is interesting about them. It is very attractive to us when someone takes an interest in who we are. Playing coy or mysterious is fine when we are trying to guess whether you are attracted to us. If you are trying too hard to be mysterious about who you are, physical attraction becomes one of the only motivating factor for us to call you.

Be interesting, be interested, and be intriguing. If you accomplish those goals when talking to a guy they will likely go home thinking when they should call you, not if.

Finding someone who is passionate, interesting, intelligent, funny, positive, compassionate, and is confident can be hard work. There are lots of dates where you are left shaking your head, how can you find that person who will finally leave you excited for the next time you see them? The answer is simple. Look in the mirror; are they looking back at you?

The idea of finding someone that I can admire has been in my mind a lot lately. I want someone who will impress me and I can be excited to share in their passions and their growth. My honest fear is that if I find that person will I be someone who they can admire? Telling myself that I already am, and being confident in my achievements and my self-actualization is of course what I do, but my path of self-improvement is a never-ending task. The question is, are YOU someone who you can admire?

Being good with people and having charisma can be taught in a simple weekend workshop and some good ongoing motivation and guidance. I see it every weekend in the graduates of our courses. However I often see people plateau on their journey. Their technical conversation and people skills are good, their motivation for improvement is good, but something is still missing. Being admirable.

Here are some ideas for developing an admirable life and personality:

Try something new each week.

Drop in on a yoga class, cook something you have never made before, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or walk around saying “Hi!” out loud to people you pass on the street. New experiences shape the people we are; it even shapes the neural pathways in our brains to think differently. Being successful at new things that you try will also build an immense amount of confidence. Success breeds confidence and confidence breeds success. This is a cycle you can create by having small successes throughout your life.

Manifest Positivity

Studies show that a positive mindset has a significant effect on health and well-being. We all have rough times and negative things that happen to us all the time. Those with positive attitudes don’t deny that there are bad things; they just choose to focus on what will get them where they are going rather than dwell on what will keep them stagnant. Try first just identifying thoughts and actions that are negative and that you want to change. From gossiping about people to restructuring your negative thoughts about yourself; first identify the negative, then choose to re-write the thought or action into a positive. For example, if I am in a bad mood and start saying I’ll never be successful, I turn it around and say in my head, “No, I choose the positive. I will be successful in getting what I really NEED in life.” Just taking a moment to identify and re-write thoughts or actions that are negative will have a huge impact on how you view the world. In turn no one will call you Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer behind your back anymore.

Declare who you are and what you want.

Read the post called Confidence and Conversation Exercises and spend some time trying to answer some of the questions. Many of the questions there are meant to make you see where in your life you may want to work on. The idea is to sit down and go on a date with yourself. What would be the things that you would want someone to try to find out about you? How are you interesting and admirable? I know for me a major strike against a woman is when I ask her what she does for fun and she says, “I like to hang out with friends, go shopping, you know, the usual stuff.” Especially the shopping comment, that is like male-kryptonite. Talk about style and fashion sure, but not shopping. We just see money symbols in your eyes when you look at us.

Develop a good social circle.

Ups and downs are part of life. No matter how positive and confident you are, no matter how many exciting fun new things you add to your life, it is supportive friends and family that help us through our tough times. Looking for supportive friends is a skill in and of itself. Start with never turning down and invitation and start inviting people to all those new things you yourself are trying. Also check out a post called Building a Social Circle

Be someone you find admirable and people will not be able to help falling in love with you. Not to mention you just might meet some people who read this blog that are doing the same thing, ok well at least people who are trying to be admirable in their own way too. Be the person you want to date and you will draw the same kind of people to you.

I once said there are only two things to conversation, statements and questions. There is a lot of truth to that statement but one of the most interesting elements to inspire good conversation remains when there are no questions or statements. It is silence.

I was in a conversation last night where I found myself talking a bit too much. Although I was trying to make statements that were relatable to her, instead it just inspired her to ask me more questions. Several times I could sense the imbalance and genuinely wanted to know more about her yet I felt like I was asking a bit overly probing questions. That was when I ran out of things to say. It was a rare moment for me but instead of forcing conversation I just stayed silent for a moment or two. She very quickly jumped in and started with a story of her own. I related with my experience and tried it again. I simply finished what I was talking about and then comfortably stayed in silence for a moment. She again picked up the slack and started talking about herself more.

A good conversation can be a Hollywood action movie, fast paced and exciting. However it can also be slow and dramatic like a suspense movie. A dramatic pause is a technique that we teach that utilizes that silence to add more texture to a good story or conversation. Silence added to an interaction can inspire and entertain if done correctly.

Try it next time you are in a conversation that is going well. After you finish a statement be silent for a few moments and try to appear as comfortable and confident as you can with the silence. The other person will quickly pick up the conversation again for you.

“I want a man who I can put on a pedestal, and devote myself to.” Whoa, way too much pressure was my reaction. I actually read this recently on an online profile. It got me thinking about all the ways we put too much pressure on others and ourselves.

There are two common ways we put too much pressure on other people in romantic situations. The qualifications we put on someone and the situation we create. A broader topic that also adds pressure that I will likely go into in another blog is neediness and acting like there is more to the relationship too quickly.

“A man has to be ok with cats” or “Being ok with me riding my motorcycle is a must.” These statements are deal breaker statements. These are good to put out there really early. Whether it is about kids, lifestyle needs, or even personality traits, saying up front what you’re not ok with is a good thing. If someone isn’t ok with it you should know that soon. “I want a man who is really funny who always has me laughing” or “I want a woman who has a natural beauty that she just wakes up looking good”. These are statements that put a lot of pressure on someone. If you really want something like that keep it to yourself and if they are not that then find someone else. By voicing your qualifications you create a pedestal for that person. They will be worried whether they can even make it onto your pedestal, and if they do, when will they fall off of it. In our workshops we talk about how disqualification can help you avoid the problem of qualification altogether.

The situation we put people in can also be a tremendous source of pressure. Understanding all the ways we set up people to feel pressured can be a very difficult thing to understand and correct. Identifying common situations first is the key. Let’s take the common example of the dinner date. This situation puts way too much pressure on both people, especially for the first date. The man is often expected to choose the restaurant, which will likely reflect on his financial situation. If the date is in an unfamiliar place, then the pressure increases choosing a restaurant neither may be familiar with. If he picks one where he goes often, she is left wondering if he takes all his dates there. A woman has to very carefully choose what she will wear hoping it will be appropriate to the classiness of the restaurant. Also her outfit should not reflect poorly on her date, either by being overdressed in relation to, or be risqué. Of course with all of that she wants to still look beautiful and attractive. Of course then who is expected to pay? Is going Dutch ok these days? If he does pay and it’s on a first date, what does he expect in return? With this being the stereotypical first date it is no wonder people have dating problems. Meeting for coffee or drinks for a first date is much more of a low-pressure situation. Dinner can come later when you both feel more comfortable around each other.

Think about what qualifications you voice to other people and what situations you get into that put pressure on yourself and others. There is a pressure relief valve in any situation; the challenge is to find it!

The most basic human desire is to be understood. To have the ability to make someone feel like they are the most important person in the room when talking to them is all about emotional connection. Charisma is that connection we feel towards another person when we can see a bit of ourselves in them.

Anyone can learn to be charismatic with a bit of help and guidance. What I do in my workshops is not try to change anyone; instead I try to help people reveal the confident, interesting, and expressive sides to their personality while helping them understand how to do that in a balanced way.

Some Do’s and Don’ts:

Do make a strong introduction.
- A warm friendly confident smile and eye contact in the first moments of meeting make all the difference.

Do take a genuine interest in other people.
- We all want to be validated and liked. Giving that to others is a sure way to get it in return.

Do express some personality.
- Be an individual with positive confident views.

Don’t talk facts.
- They can read that in the brochure. What is your experience with [person, place, thing, etc.]

Don’t try to make them like you.
- Learn what it is about them that you like and that interest will be returned.

Don’t ask too many questions. Don’t do all the talking.
- Balance asking questions with making statements about your experiences and relating to them.