No never means yes, this post is not a permission for misconduct. However so many times women are sending signals that mean yes but verbally are saying no. When a woman says “no” I suggest to hear it as “not yet”.
Our society is very hard on women openly expressing their attraction and sexuality towards men. We admonish women who are promiscuous with the term “slut”. Men even call a woman a slut, often as a reaction to being rejected. The societal roles of women’s sexuality is so confusing for both men and women. Women will often act like they don’t enjoy a man’s advances only to end up in bed with him that very night.
As a boy growing up raised by a single mother I learned to respect women, almost excessively so. I was the quintessential nice guy. I unfavorably Judged men who I saw overtly hit on women and were sexual and brash. I heard my female friends complain about these men yet wind up with them every time. In my own dealings with women the moment a woman made any indication of resistance I backed off out of my own idea of what was being respectful. An implication of another relationship, a joke about me hitting on her, to a flirty statement that I misinterpreted, all would freeze me in place. I would not pursue her in my self-righteous attempt to be respectful unlike all the other guys out there (who were way more successful than I). Basically I was just afraid and inexperienced.
Guys, we are our own worse enemies. Start with confidence and go after what you want. If you want a relationship with a girl, that does not exclude being flirtatious and sexual with her. In fact if you are not creating the sexual tension, moving toward the kiss, the caress, sex, you are going to end up in the friend zone. I am not talking all in one night, but if there is not a steady noticible progression to becoming more physical with a woman, most will assume you only want to be friends. If they don’t assume that, then they will realize you are just not assertive and confident enough to be attracted to in that way.
You need to move thing forward to the point where she is saying no or being a bit resistant. This should be a gradual thing as I teach in my Dating Decoded – Audio Workshop. The point is a bit of resistance is a good thing. She is going to do this so you won’t think she is a slut. This is the point to realize these “NO’s” really mean “Not Yet”. That “not yet” may end up being a cold day in hell before it happens, but you need to keep moving forward. Hit resistance, take a step back a bit, but then proceed again in a bit.
Women don’t respond to logical reasoning why you should move the relationship forward. They don’t respond to begging, they don’t want to talk about why or why not kissing should be happening now, you just have to assertively try again even if there has been resistance. Take a step back and then move forward again later.
Don’t give up, No means Not Yet!
Tags: Assertiveness, escalation, Flirt, hitting on, kissing, making a move, No means yes, putting the moves, sex, sexual escalation
October 7th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Hey Dan – You say to proceed again “in a bit.” How long’s “a bit?” What should I be looking for so that I know I’ve got the green light?
October 7th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
It depends really.. I usually give it 5-10 minutes if it was a small no, and if it was larger 20-30 min.
There are very few green lights on this path. You just have to go forward until you hit a red light.