How to not be needy!

September 15th, 2011

Currently I am dating a phenomenal woman that has turned the world upside down on my thoughts about the chase and balance of interest. She seems to break the rules with impunity, not just avoiding games but redefining what the rules are. I am left in awe just trying to figure out how she does it and what I can learn and share with all of you from the experience.

I am a sucker for the chase, I’ll admit it. I have lost interest in phenomenal women when I knew I could have them with ease and they were falling for me. I think of several women in my past that I could be married to right now and be supremely happy with, that I lost interest in because of feeling like they were TOO into me. The Balance of interest was just too lopsided and I felt that vibe and it turned me off. With us guys that happens even more regularly as women are even more attuned to our verbal and nonverbal underlying communication

There has to be an element of chase in every relationship, but more so where that comes from is the abolishing of the needy vibe. You must communicate verbally and non verbally that you have choice in the people you date. You are choosing to be with this person, not trying to get them to choose you.

Balanced Escalation is the Key!

The most important lesson I learned is that I don’t need to play games or worry about wether she percieves me as chasing her or her chasing me. If I simply balance the elements of escalation in a relationship things go smoothly. Here are just a few points I consciously think about balancing:

Balance of Interest

  • 1) “I’ll miss you!”
  • These are the words of death from a new person I am dating. Every time in the past I have ever heard a woman say this to me before we were in a relationship it felt like my heart ran out the door faster than I could. When I was younger I actually would say these words and watch a fear behind a girl’s eyes that she could never hide.

    Why? Because normally this statement shows an intense amount of need. It is almost as bad as “I love you”, the words are not that bad, it is just that a response is required to a statement like that and anytime we feel required to return that much interest our hearts rebel.

    Solution: Be careful with statements that require a response or a validation. Tone of voice and timing are really important. Try a quick take away barrier if you feel like you went to far like “But I can’t tell you that because I don’t know you well enough yet. ;-)

    The Exception: I heard these words this weekend and it surprisingly did not have the usual effect. In fact I loved hearing them even though it was only after I was leaving in the morning after the second date. Mainly because there was no neediness in her voice. In fact there was an earlier statement she said that ran through my head the moment she said “I’ll miss you”. She had said “Honestly I like my alone time. Someone has to be pretty remarkable for me to want to be around them.” For a woman like this to say “I’ll miss you” it became a compliment to me rather than a statement of neediness.

    The same can apply to you. If you are truly busy with a fulfilling life with choice in who you spend your time with, no neediness will be projected regardless of what you say and all the dating advice you have ever received should be tossed out and ignored.

Communication Balance

  • 2) Phone/Text – Too much, not enough, should I wait before calling or texting?
  • Nothing is more of a turn off to me if I receive too many texts or worse yet multiple voicemails between my texts and phone calls. Communication is a sign of interest. Too much and you reveal your hand too fast, too little and you are not going to get anywhere. But beware of falsely creating time between contacts just to try to balance things, it will come off manipulative, frustrating, and may make her lose interest rather than get more interested.

    I am reminded over and over, if you like someone CALL THEM! Don’t wait to try to seem less needy. If you aren’t needy nothing you do will come off as needy and if you are needy, no matter how you try to hide it, it still comes through.

    Review the information in Dating Decoded about how many times to call, when to call, and how to reduce flakes, as well as my 5 steps that will almost guarantee a call or text back! Once you get a response though there really aren’t any rules. Don’t blow off appointments in the hope of getting a return phone or text, go on with your life. Be busy don’t act busy!

    Tips: Go back to the sequence I outline in Dating Decoded if you don’t hear from her after a couple days go back to the sequence: Voicemail, Statement Text, Final Voicemail.

    If she is actively texting and phoning you don’t worry about how often you are doing it. Just don’t send 3 texts for every one of hers. Keep it balanced and avoid the urge to send the 3rd unanswered text or phone call. Wait a couple days then go back to the sequence and start again.

Compliment Balance

  • 3) You’re beautiful, impressive, interesting, and smart!
  • This honestly has always been one of the hardest things to balance in my relationships. When I like a woman I verbalize that in the form of compliments. This can become overwhelming on a few fronts if I am not careful.

    Undeserved Compliments – Telling a woman she is beautiful, funny, interesting, etc, needs to be genuine. She can sense it when you are only complimenting her to try to evoke a positive response. Your affection for her has to be deserved; she may reject the compliment or be shy about accepting the compliment, but you have to establish why you are giving her the compliment.

    Over Complimenting – This is a tough one, if she is a high quality woman like you always hoped you’d meet, there will be lots of genuine compliments you can give her. What makes it harder is women are usually HORRIBLE about taking compliments and will oftenreturn a compliment just because you gave her one.. Luckily this balance point you do have more leeway. Rarely will a compliment turn a woman off, unless she sees you complimenting her because you feel she is out of your league or you are trying to get her return affection. Stick to compliments that are genuine and you should be fine. If she isn’t initiating compliments at other times then that is something to note and you may want to slow down a bit in this department.

Pedestals and Status Balance

  • 4) “You are too good for me!”
  • The most stunning gorgeous woman in the world still is insecure about her looks compared to other women.

    If you constantly put her up on that pedestal she will feel you don’t actually see her for who she is, or she will just believe you are not good enough for her.

    A woman’s beauty is intoxicating for us men! When we meet a woman who we really do believe is above our usual standards we almost can’t contain ourselves. If you really do believe she is too beautiful to be interested in you she will end up sensing that and it will kill her attraction for you.

    If this is your issue go rent “She’s Out of My League”. Ok I just really want you to check out my celebrity crush of Krysten Ritter, but honestly the whole movie is about a guy who gets THAT beautiful woman we all dream about and screws it up because he feels she’s above him. Of course his absolute lack of a fulfilling life and any sense of confidence means that this really only would happen in hollywood.

    If you meet that woman that is out of your league then beware of “Hot Woman Syndrome” and if she really is that “The One” you’ve dreamed about, realize by putting her on a pedestal you will lose her. Treat her right, be warm and affectionate, compliment her, but don’t overdo it!

Social intelligence is all about developing an awareness of the balance in your interactions. Learn to be aware of these elements and keep them balanced, and you will be able to throw out the rule book and never worry again about playing games, when you should show interest, and turning a girl off because you are too into them.

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3 Responses to “How to not be needy!”

  1. PUA Vault Says:

    Excellent analysis. I really like the Balance of Interest part because I totally experienced it. Girl stayed over thursday night, then when I dropped her off, she texted me friday asking if I was gonna miss her. TOTAL turn off, and it really did suggest neediness that I didn’t care for. Then one time she really wanted to meet me and texted me 4 times in a row. Needless to say, I had to cut it off with her.

  2. Dan M Says:

    It’s all because she was communicating for the main reason to get return validation. That being said I always do suggest the call/text the next day after sex. It is standard to help prevent the insecurity that comes up.

  3. LYNN Says:

    I could forward you a series of texts that would probably make you cringe–both parties. I’m sure you’ve seen enough of that already though. But isn’t it entertaining!

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