She’s cute, and whoa she is actually interesting. I think to myself if I could at least meet her, the thirty dollars I have to peel off my credit card for joining will actually be worth it. That one profile got me hooked. I sit down and craft a profile that I think describes me and I upload a variety of pictures that I think represent me fairly well. The next phase was to write an interesting, witty and clever email that will get me responses. I hit the send button confident people will see who I am and be excited to hear from me. So besides the one woman I wanted to meet I managed to scrounge up about nineteen other profiles that seemed interesting. Ok, a few more that were interesting and the rest were just hot. I won’t deny my shallow side either, and I am soon to realize that shallow side is the Achilles heel of online dating.
Twenty unanswered emails later I cancel my membership and go back to what I knew best, meeting people in person. I admit defeat. Whatever skill and knowledge I possessed that has allowed me to successfully teach and be successful in my life obviously didn’t translate online. Then I started getting lazy with going out and even in my daily life I started to realize I wasn’t meeting people due to laziness. Well it doesn’t get much easier than sitting on the computer and picking people I like based on a superficial survey of images, and if they are lucky a scan of a profile. So back I go, this time I vow to figure out how to do this and be successful.
Through a lot of trial and error I did becoming more successful. I learned some good lessons along the way and realized that the magnitude of apparent choice is the downfall of online dating. I have never thought of dating as a numbers game. I do feel that meeting someone I want to be in a relationship takes time and I have to sort through people before I find someone like that. However my experience is that with the majority of people I meet I don’t find that getting a date is that difficult. The skills I have developed in charismatic communication and teach to others serve me well.
In real life situations, the number of people in the environment limits you. Online the number of people on there is almost limitless. You get the “Next” mentality very quickly. So do the people you are emailing or are emailing you. To stand out from the crowd is a bit tricky. Also realize that the smallest thing will cause someone to say “Next” and pass right by you. Online dating even for the most successful of the people who I know who do it still is a numbers game. Men, you won’t get as many replies as you would hope for, women you won’t get as many quality guys emailing you as you would like. The feeling that there is someone better right around the corner plagues many of the online serial daters. However that being said I have never had so many dates in a week than when I was online dating. That is a fun and empowering feeling that I think everyone should experience.
The real lesson I took away from online dating is that it is often the person you least expect that gets you the most excited about when you meet them. A woman I am dating now from online was completely outside my search parameters. She actually contacted me and I gave her a shot. The same really holds true in any dating situation; give people a chance. Start a conversation with someone you don’t think you would normally get along with and it might just surprise you who you meet. The allure of choice is wonderful but don’t let it make you lazy about seeing what is actually there rather than writing people off before you know them.
Stay tuned for Part II of my Online Dating post: How to get more dates; successful online dating.
Tags: Online Dating
November 4th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Nice post Dan. I read a lot that I can relate to. The unanswered emails. The skimming through the profiles.
I don’t really think the main reason that people don’t answer emails is, that everybody just filters through profiles, and decides in a split second.
I think there is an inherent flaw in most websites aswell. I’ve come across many websites that allow you to “JOIN FOR FREE AN MEET THOUSANDS OF WOMEN”. But when you actually join, all you can do is send some impersonal “flirt”. you can’t actually send messages, until you pay… Now that’s not THAT big a deal, however… when you send a nice girl a message, there is often no way for her to respond, unless she also pays for a membership.
Okay enough bashing of dating sites
I’ve found that SOI’s in an email work pretty good. Most responses I get when my email is along the lines of: Wow… I find rockclimbers very sexy.
Just basic stuff, but I find it works wonders. Mostly you’ll get a quick reply back, like: “wow thanks”. But now you have her “attention” so to speak. Then it’s pretty straight forward from there I guess.
Only thing I’m still struggling with is when to ask the girl out to meet for a drink. I don’t wanna do it too quick to seem needy or superficial, but also don’t want to seem too hard to get. Aah maybe I’m just chickening out everytime
November 5th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Five months ago, I found out that the guy I’m spending time with turned out to still be carrying a torch for his ex-girlfriend. I stopped communicating with him and thought if I did, he would see my worth. But he didn’t. It was hard for me to stop communicating with him but I did it for my self-esteem.
I’ve been feeling very sad since even if I’ve devised this “Year of Yes” wherein I will say yes to every invitation. Coz let’s face it we don’t get many opportunites to meet someone in real life especially when one is no longer a “spring chicken”.
A month ago, I looked into myself and try to find out the cause of my sadness and what I can do to remedy it. Online dating came to mind. That made me feel better because I feel in control of my life.
I had tried online dating a few years ago but the experience wasn’t good. But I’m not completely turned off.
I haven’t signed up yet because like your earlier post, I feel I have to do some re-focusing on myself. I have to sort myself first in order to be successful in my new project which is online dating.
November 5th, 2008 at 10:46 am
That’s pretty solid advice, man. I haven’t gotten into the online dating thing but I feel like I’m sectioning myself off from a variety of women to potentially meet.
I personally have no problem meeting people in person but just the idea of going online to interact with other women is awesome.
I am huge on the social media thing (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) and have gained popularity there but like you said, the amount of access is almost limitless.
Will be paying close attention to this as well as other posts about the benefits of online dating.
November 5th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Indeed one of the biggest problems with Online sites is they retain member profiles that aren’t actually paying members. That gets you hooked but also increases the amount of people who don’t respond.
Don’t let a lack of response get you down. That person may not even be getting your emails because they aren’t a paying member.
Whacko, I think you are on to something as i’ll talk about in my next post but one thing i do is try to personalize that even more. “I like that you rockclimb, it is very sexy about you.” Personally I stray away from compliments in my first email. Simply taking an interest and asking them a question about something on their profile often shows just the right amount of interest.. As I said, More to come!
Dan
November 5th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Online dating has been the biggest waste of time. I’ve hit it off with so many girls, had them compliment me profusely and planned countless meetings only to have them flake or never reply to emails again. Like you said, they seem to change their minds over the smallest things. Most profiles are SUPER SUPERFICIAL AND UNIMAGINABLY UNREALISTIC. One girl who flaked on me was looking for her Jim Halpert from The Office. Later she contacted me to reschedule and flaked again. 99.9% of all the dates have been unsatisfactory and even if there was some rapport, it was all lost when we met. There’s something to be said about a spontaneous encounter… that’s what’s real!