I have failed to capture the heart of every incredible woman I’ve met in my life. I say that now knowing I am not with them now, and I continue that search for my perfect woman. Along my path through this whole experience called life, I have realized a few reasons why.
I say I have failed to capture any of these women’s hearts because of a couple reasons. The worst is that these women never existed. Well, I say that because the women I saw and sought most definitely did not exist. Rather, whom I thought I was seeing was not who that person was.
The first few weeks of meeting someone that is incredible to me, is intoxicating. I can’t get them out of my mind. It is that bio-chemical cocktail within me that invokes euphoria and extreme anxiety simultaneously. It is a wonderful but dreadful feeling all at once. That feeling takes over my mind and starts to work against me.
When I finally meet someone who thrills me with her personality, (beauty rarely does this to me anymore, although I can think of at least one recent relationship where it was her beauty that kept me from seeing who she really was) I start to put her in the fast-track for that status of “incredible”. Once on that path to perfection in my mind, it is a downhill ride for both of us. She will begin to worry she will not live up to who I think she is, or worse yet the woman I think she is one day ceases to exist and I realize I don’t like the person she really is.
Men and women are equally guilty of this. Men see it later in the relationship, usually when they have fallen off her pedestal and she begins to resent the difference. Women usually see it right up front, and choose not to be with the guy because they are afraid of being seen as who they really are. Also in both cases it can lead to neediness or being clingy.
Women especially reject the notion of perfection. No matter how beautiful a woman is she will always be compared, both by herself and others, to other women of extraordinary beauty. Women also naturally disqualify themselves, because they are very aware of their imperfections. I can only imagine what was going through the heads of the women I thought were incredible. How could they reconcile their attraction to me, with the looming fear that if I saw who they really were I might not like them?
People talk all the time about the pressure of moving too fast, or committing too soon or not soon enough. However, that pales in comparison to the pressure felt when we are put on a pedestal. It also throws that balance off we try so hard to achieve in solid interaction building. I mean think about it, if she were so perfect why would she want to be with you, a mere mortal?
Now I don’t meet as many incredible women. I often wonder whether it was that search that I enjoyed, more than being happy with a woman that I can appreciate on all levels? However what I have realized is that that idea of “incredible” is just that, un-believable, and mostly an illusion I set up for myself. Don’t fall into that same trap.
Learn to disqualify yourself to avoid being put up on a pedestal, as well as check in with yourself and remember not to put the other person on a pedestal. We all have our skeletons in our closet. It is the rare person who is able to accept us faults and all that will be most attractive to us. Be that person. Don’t be a pedestal maker!
May 7th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Dan, thank you for this post. It’s really hit me at an important time and your insights here really have benefited me a lot. I have a great tendency to put women on pedestals, but I’ve never thought of them putting me on one. Now I really know the value of DQ. I love it when someone or some experience opens my eyes to a new enlightened perspective. Great post, man!
May 8th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Great post! It really hit me when you said, “Women especially …, because they are very aware of their imperfections.” It’s so true, doesn’t matter how beautiful she is. I guess that’s why they always attract to male of high status or value, and/or using disqualification work so well. They feel that they will have to prove themselves and they will feel better about themselves if they are approved.
I really like the where you are going with this. “I say I have failed …did not exist.”
Really, nothing exist. Life just is, live without no expectation, but nonetheless be your best. Once you are looking for something, it is already gone because it was never there in the first place. But once you instead look inside yourself to fulfill yourself,…you will be surprise where it will take you.
Again great post, I felt ya!
May 9th, 2007 at 4:49 am
“Women also naturally disqualify themselves”
Really!
You want to be in the place where they’re desperately TRYING to qualify themselves.
It’s lovely.
But I’m sure you are, much more than me.
You know you’re higher value when people around you start miscalibrating, they grin and laugh completely inapproriately. I become this swirling nexus of strange behaviour, and my head…. *MASSIVE*.
Loving your blog.
Neg those pedastals to smithereens!
May 9th, 2007 at 8:00 am
Actually I disagree, i get away from making them qualify themselves, Check out my post on the Art of NOT Qualifying for more on that. Also I personally don’t Neg.
I want to be on an equal level, not unequal. Qualifications work great for short term pick up, but if you want the chance of a relationship it can backfire.