A bead of sweat starts to develop on my forehead as I avoid her gaze. I am standing motionless although if she could see how much was circling my mind and the rising anxiety in my chest she would run screaming for fear of an explosion 200 times stronger than an atom bomb. Each moment that goes by I wish I could just explode because it would be at least some type of expression, on the other hand I have nothing. I have stalled in the conversation.
Stalling out is such an intense moment. It is so anxiety provoking and self sustaining in its own cyclic nature that even the memory of that moment can haunt us for weeks and cause more frequent stalling out. The only way to prevent it is to ignore the intensity of it and start again with an open-ended question. The problem is what do I ask?
When you get an answer or response it is natural for us to relate, even it is just to the “thing” or subject matter and not the more effective emotional content of the statement. Once we relate though we are off in our own thoughts and our experiences. When we come to the end of our sentence it is like coming to the edge of a cliff. Where do I go next? Why not turn around and start again from where she just was and go deeper in to asking about what she just said. Oh ya, that’s right, you weren’t listening to anything other than what would help you come up with something to say. Stop that! Listen to her whole statement before you share and relate something from you. Then make sure you have listened well enough that you can go back and ask her to elaborate further and go deeper in what she said.
Another problem is the choice of conversational threads you choose to follow from a statement.
“I finally succeeded in making a cheesecake in my cooking class yesterday. I have been making flat or liquidy abominations to cooking for weeks, but I finally did it and my teacher said it was actually one of the best she has seen all year.”
So let’s identify some of the conversational threads to choose from:
Cheesecakes
Cooking
Taking a class
Teachers
The feeling of accomplishment
If we choose to talk about cheesecakes, the “thing” in the statement, than we are going to have a very short conversation. I don’t know about you but I can sum up my knowledge and ability to talk about cheesecakes in one word, “yummy”. I’m done and into a stall now.
I have a lot more I can talk about if I choose cooking, umm ok really only my love of making sushi, otherwise I am bored with cooking.
The same goes for teachers & taking classes, although I have a lot more experiences with these subjects and can talk longer, eventually I am going to run out of material.
The best one to share on and relate is the feeling behind her statement, the feeling of accomplishment. Thing how much you could talk about that. I can even use subjects like kiteboarding or anything else I am really excited about to relate to having that sense of accomplishment. Then just by doing that we are talking about a lot more and the conversational topics become a lot more varied and exciting.
Once I share though I should go back and ask her what made her decide to take a cooking class, or what the experience of working so hard to fix her cheesecake was like. This is the go deeper part. Once I share I need to go back and go deeper in what she said.
Try the share and go deeper concept and you will soon find yourself stalling a lot less.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:24 am
“Thing how much you could talk about that. I can even use subjects like kiteboarding or anything else I am really excited about to relate to having that sense of accomplishment. Then just by doing that we are talking about a lot more and the conversational topics become a lot more varied and exciting.”
OK Dan, she talks about a cheescake, you talk about kiteboarding, then return to her cooking. That strikes me as a little strained, like conversational life support. Is it in reality? (or am I logic-ing too much).
Also what are the most common feelings behind things she describes early in conversations?
(please tell me this, so I can think of suitable tangential relates ahead of time).
August 28th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Great post, talking about the emotions behind the actions or subjects is a fantastic idea just to keep in mind. What runs through your head is the categories of subject and its tangents, I am going to add “related emotions” now for all interactions. Thanks!
February 18th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Brilliant post. Wish i’d known about how to properly relate in a conversation 10 years ago.
June 20th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
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