My sexual inexperience was one of the most frightening things to me in my early twenties. Yes, I said my early twenties; I didn’t lose my virginity till I was twenty three Although I’d like to think it was because it was my choice, a lack of opportunity and not being assertive enough around women was probably the truth. The thought of having that conversation about my sexual inexperience was terrifying.
Over the years I have been coaching men and women the topic occasionally comes up. Whether it be from a religious standpoint or any other reason there are plenty of people out there that have little or no sexual experience well into their twenties and sometimes even later. Society ridicules virgins; look at the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin”. It is a quiet little secret that gets even worse as months and years go by.
The inevitable question comes up from clients, “should I tell them I am a virgin?” This is a hard question to answer and is very personal to their situation. I personally did tell her, however it was a situation where my first time was with a friend and we were not in a romantic situation nor did we plan on getting into one. If you are dating someone and have actually made it far enough along that a relationship is likely I do recommend bringing it up and talking about it. Talking about it will bring you closer and is usually very endearing to your partner.
My fear was that they would worry whether I would make too much of it and think we would be together forever just because they were my first. Also I was of course afraid that my performance would be poor and it would affect whatever budding relationship was occurring. These fears are common.
Only you can decide whether you are going to tell the person about your sexual inexperience. Most of the time the conversation will go better than you expect. Most men have never had the experience of being with a virgin and are not likely going to be sent running, and many women I know would love the experience of leading you through your first time. Here are some talking points, examples, and things to keep in mind:
- “I realize it might make you wonder if I am going to get really attached after this. I want to let you know that I am happy to share this experience with you but I also realize where we take things after this will be what they are; let’s just worry about that as we get to know each other more.”
- Admit your nervousness.
- Guys take it slow and stop for a moment or two when you get too excited, try a new position or go slower. Sex is not like a porn movie, slow is good.
- Realize that first times with someone new even for very experienced lovers are often fairly awkward because no two people are the same. Pretty much everything you learn about what one person likes will often be different for another. The best lovers are the ones that focus on enjoying the experience as well as making the other person feel good (not just get them off).
- Ask them what gets them excited and tell them to show you. Don’t get too hung up on the orgasm thing, focus on just trying to make them feel good.
- If you are the one who is hearing your about to be lover is a virgin be very encouraging and tell them anything that makes you feel good. Tell them what they are doing right and if they are not making you feel good suggest trying something a bit different without being critical. Tell them how excited you are because it’s their first time.
The first time is nerve wracking no matter how you end up there. It is natural to make it a huge deal, especially after too many years of it not happening. Be honest with it and find someone who you trust and the experience will be a lot more pleasurable. Try to get rid of your expectations about it and don’t worry so much about what someone else will think, likely they will be pretty flattered you chose them.
January 7th, 2009 at 12:39 am
Hey Dan.
What a great and honest post!! It was really refreshing to read that. There is way too much chest beating out there in this niche and it is great to see someone who is honest and thinks about what they are writing.
I think guys should always look at strengthening themselves first before they get out there and start approaching, dating and sleeping with women. Because it is all too common that guys get out there and become reliant on a womans attention to make them feel validated.
I know I have been there and with a few years of experience of approaching and dating women it is the relationships you get with them both mentally as well as physically that are very important.
Take Care Man.
TC
January 7th, 2009 at 8:42 am
great post dan
January 10th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
[...] Charisma Tips » Should I tell them I am a virgin? [...]
January 18th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Dan,
First let me say….that took real courage to talk about losing your virginity at 23! Or at all for that matter. Bravo to you for putting out there what so many others find to uncomfortable to embarrassed to talk about!
Second, when I think of the 40 Year Old Virgin, I think that the best part of the movie was that he waited until it was right and with the right person and it was a good, positive, loving experience. Which is how it should be. I think a lot of people were too caught up in the comedy of that movie to really see his journey. And if you remember, when he finally told his girlfriend that he was a virgin, it was not a big deal to her.
Third, one thing I think is an interesting question here is, how are you defining virginity? Are you talking about someone who has no sexual experience or someone who has done everything except penile/vaginal intercourse? Because there are a lot of people out there doing oral and anal sex with multiple partners but they still define themselves as a virgin because they have never had penile/vaginal sex. That doesn’t necessarily = inexperience. Gay men and women do not have penile/vaginal intercourse so does that mean they are lifelong virgins, no matter what other sexual behavior they engage in?
Another thought I had is that couples whether they are virgins or not, should work up to sex. Meaning a kiss goodnight on the first date and progress from there at a comfort level they both share. My opinion is, if they do that, by the time they are ready for intercourse, they are more comfortable with each other and that last step should not be too awkward. I think right now, people jump right into intercourse. Doesn’t anyone date anymore?
I think this is a very good piece. People should not ridicule someone who has less or no experience. Every person has the right to wait until they are ready and doing it for the right reasons. I feel for these kids who just do it to get it over with and it has no meaning. It starts a foundation for bad sexual experiences and little self value.
Sex is always something that can be worked on and improved in a relationship, especially with good communication.
January 27th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Im a 41 yr old virgin who has also never dated. I have a good job, but I was very self conscious about by height(5`5). I feared rejection and therefore I seeked the path of least resistance, which was putting myself off the market. Im not gay at all. But I just had such horrible self esteem issues concerning my looks.
At 41, you would think I wouldnt have a much of a desire, but I do more than ever. Got over my shyness and very relaxed around women. But I still have not gotten the courage to ask one out.
Some of the problem is fear of embarassment. If I did ask her out. She would be my first date ever! I am educated with a decent job, and tend to be very engaging in my conversations. But I dont have a clue about intimacy skills. She would have to teach me. And what woman would want to teach a guy how to do a simple kiss, let alone sex?
Still, I have only one life and still dream that one day I might find a woman. Maybe the first few women, I will have to see as \practice dates\ before the real deal. just to gain experience and confidence.
Sometimes I wish I were gay because I wouldnt have any desire for a woman.But I do. And actively relieving myself because of fantasy or seeing someone I might like is not a life.
Im not asking for a hottie, juest female and a companion to share my life with.
So if I finally get in that dating arena for the very first time in my life. How do I address these issues if they do come up or maybe I should say nothing at all?
January 31st, 2009 at 10:49 am
The fear of success is more intimidating than the fear of failure. What if you do get the date? What if you do get the chance to kiss her? I can feel for your situation.
If I think back at when I was in your situation, I was always a few years behind everyone else. Trying to talk it out before every step will not help you. I think before you end up having sex for the first time that is a time to have a discussion about it. For the rest you have to actually get in the water before you can learn to swim.
Luckily you don’t have to do it without help. Most of us stumbled through this stage, you now have a lot of options for help and to go in knowing more. Let me know if I can be of any assistance!
Dan
October 17th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Brad, we arent talking just about shyness here. It is a fear of intimacy. Is there something that happened in your life that made you this way?