I once said there are only two things to conversation, statements and questions. There is a lot of truth to that statement but one of the most interesting elements to inspire good conversation remains when there are no questions or statements. It is silence.
I was in a conversation last night where I found myself talking a bit too much. Although I was trying to make statements that were relatable to her, instead it just inspired her to ask me more questions. Several times I could sense the imbalance and genuinely wanted to know more about her yet I felt like I was asking a bit overly probing questions. That was when I ran out of things to say. It was a rare moment for me but instead of forcing conversation I just stayed silent for a moment or two. She very quickly jumped in and started with a story of her own. I related with my experience and tried it again. I simply finished what I was talking about and then comfortably stayed in silence for a moment. She again picked up the slack and started talking about herself more.
A good conversation can be a Hollywood action movie, fast paced and exciting. However it can also be slow and dramatic like a suspense movie. A dramatic pause is a technique that we teach that utilizes that silence to add more texture to a good story or conversation. Silence added to an interaction can inspire and entertain if done correctly.
Try it next time you are in a conversation that is going well. After you finish a statement be silent for a few moments and try to appear as comfortable and confident as you can with the silence. The other person will quickly pick up the conversation again for you.
August 25th, 2008 at 3:18 am
Hei, nice post that brings me to a question. Sometimes I am talking to somebody and it looks that the conversation is only about me. I engage the conversation talking about something and then I question after question, so it’s no balanced at all.
How do you stop something like this.
Cheers, and good luck with your new business, you deserve it.
August 25th, 2008 at 4:57 am
Dan, what happens then is they turn to their friend and start telling them about the interaction.
And I have to walk away because this is rude, and Style told me too (and I think his right).
August 25th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I like what you said about silence. This gives the other person an opportunity to take the lead in the conversation and demonstrates your confidence in not needing complete control of the situation. Question is, how do you appear confident and comfortable in the silence?
Nostra…
Here is something I do when faced with the one sided conversation. Following Dan’s statement and question conversation tactic, I make a statement and then ask a question relating to my statement to put the ball in the other person’s court. For example…
“Man, I love living in San Francisco! There is just so many cultures and eclectic personalities that adds to the vibrance of this city! Just feeling a part of it all makes me feel so alive! What make you feel alive and excited?”
Make a statement and then lead to an open ended question that gets them talking more about experiences and emotion than “stuff.” I find it more interesting to listen to anyway.
Thoughts?
August 25th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Nostra, I just say, “OK you’ve got me talking too much about myself, but i want to learn about you, -insert question-” Just call it out. Good job on seeing and realizing the imbalance, that is the start!
Goose, I think that is a whole different subject not really covered with this post. Also not knowing the situation I’m hesitant to comment.
Nate, I just try to look slightly thoughtful and smile a bit. I’ll casually look around the room. I guess the best way to describe it is what would you look like if you were alone confidently waiting for someone. Do that. Good question, i’ll have to think about that one more.