You look up and see it’s a call from her, that girl you met the other night and went out with once on what seemed at the time a very promising date. You immediately rush to answer it only glancing at the clock staring back at you blinking some time near midnight.

“Are you coming out? We are at Bar None playing beer pong, you should join us!” She slightly slurs into the phone over the sounds of drunken revelry in the background.

“Sure, I’ll be right there! Talk to you soon.” You reply running your fingers through your stylish bed head hairdo briefly glancing in the direction you hope your pants are. Thoughts of getting lucky, booty calls and a cute girl spur you to get out of bed and ignore your eight am business meeting tomorrow morning.

Parking was more of a pain than you thought it would be. You find yourself finally having your ID examined by the door guy, and walking into $2 beer night being bumped and pushed in every direction as you walk through the bar. Scanning the sea of faces you don’t see hers anywhere. After completing the circuit and almost having beer spilled on you twice you go back outside to call her.

“Hey where are you? I just got here.” You yell into the phone with your finger firmly stuck in your other ear.

She answers, “Oh, we decided to call it a night. I have to get up early tomorrow for work.”

Speechless you manage to stutter out, “Uh ok, well let’s get together soon.”

You have just been flaked on, and the worst part is you allowed it to happen. She is at home in bed by now and you are standing on the sidewalk like an idiot wondering if she likes you or not.

I have been there, thats how I know that even while standing there, you were likely not even that mad at her. Honestly she isn’t worth being mad at; you should be mad at yourself for not applying one simple rule:

Treat a woman no better or worse than one of your buddies.

I certainly wouldn’t get up and come out to join one of my guy friends if I am already in bed; in fact I wouldn’t even answer the phone. Why would you do that for a woman?

I am not saying don’t treat women well. I would do a lot for a friend of mine if he needed me, but he damn well be laying in a ditch somewhere if he is calling me past midnight on a tuesday evening for something.

The least attractive thing to a woman a man can do is not stand up for himself. As scary as it sounds to turn away a woman’s request and what she will think of you, she will admire you and be more attracted to you if you grow a backbone and stand up to her.

Women have an almost unconscious desire to test men sometimes. It can be as small as repeatedly asking for small favors at a time you have something else going on, to changing the music to something you don’t like in your car. Will you say how you feel? Will you tell her you can’t that you are busy, or ask to turn the station back you were enjoying that song? How long and how far will you let it go before she has completely emasculated you? There is no need to be rude when you do it, just simply stand up for yourself.

Emasculated: Answering the phone no matter what or when.
Confident: Answering when you are free and letting it go to voicemail when you are doing something or talking to someone.

Emasculated: Buying a drink for a girl you just met cause she asked you to. (worse if you buy her friends drink too)
Confident: Telling her you might after she gets to know you better, and actually buying her that drink later.

Emasculated: Paying for an extravagant dinner in hopes she will like you.
Confident: Paying for a meal because you invited her to dinner, but actually really being excited to try the restaurant yourself.

Emasculated: Agreeing to go out with her on a night you had previous plans because you will break them for her.
Confident: Choosing a night and time when you are free even if it has been a bit of trouble scheduling it for both of you.

Apply the rule to all of the above.

-If I am busy, I don’t stop what I am doing to take calls from my buddies, I call them back.

-I buy drinks for my friends because I know they will get the next round.

-I will often buy meals or coffee for a friend if I invited them out, not because I want them to like me but because they would do the same for me.

-I don’t pick restaurants I can’t afford to eat at to dine with friends.

Ask yourself, if your buddy treated you the same way how would you act? Don’t supplicate to women anymore, be a gentleman but have a backbone as well.

Our society is very hard on women openly expressing their attraction and sexuality towards men. We admonish women who are promiscuous with the term “slut”. Men even call a woman a slut, often as a reaction to being rejected. The societal roles of women’s sexuality is so confusing for both men and women. Women will often act like they don’t enjoy a man’s advances only to end up in bed with him that very night.

As a boy growing up raised by a single mother I learned to respect women, almost excessively so. I was the quintessential nice guy. I unfavorably Judged men who I saw overtly hit on women and were sexual and brash. I heard my female friends complain about these men yet wind up with them every time. In my own dealings with women the moment a woman made any indication of resistance I backed off out of my own idea of what was being respectful. An implication of another relationship, a joke about me hitting on her, to a flirty statement that I misinterpreted, all would freeze me in place. I would not pursue her in my self-righteous attempt to be respectful unlike all the other guys out there (who were way more successful than I). Basically I was just afraid and inexperienced.

Guys, we are our own worse enemies. Start with confidence and go after what you want. If you want a relationship with a girl, that does not exclude being flirtatious and sexual with her. In fact if you are not creating the sexual tension, moving toward the kiss, the caress, sex, you are going to end up in the friend zone. I am not talking all in one night, but if there is not a steady noticible progression to becoming more physical with a woman, most will assume you only want to be friends. If they don’t assume that, then they will realize you are just not assertive and confident enough to be attracted to in that way.

You need to move thing forward to the point where she is saying no or being a bit resistant. This should be a gradual thing as I teach in my Dating Decoded – Audio Workshop. The point is a bit of resistance is a good thing. She is going to do this so you won’t think she is a slut. This is the point to realize these “NO’s” really mean “Not Yet”. That “not yet” may end up being a cold day in hell before it happens, but you need to keep moving forward. Hit resistance, take a step back a bit, but then proceed again in a bit.

Women don’t respond to logical reasoning why you should move the relationship forward. They don’t respond to begging, they don’t want to talk about why or why not kissing should be happening now, you just have to assertively try again even if there has been resistance. Take a step back and then move forward again later.

Don’t give up, No means Not Yet!

Confidence, Assertiveness, and Genuine Interest.

Look at Obama, our president for an example. He projects an amazing amount of Charisma. Not only is he confident and willing to take a risk to make change, it feels like he actually cares to listen. What an
“American public valued most was a leader whose strength lies in listening.”

Having a genuine interest in who people are and what is interesting about them to me is the most important aspect of charisma.

On a live recording from one of my favorite musicians I remember when he got up and said something to the affect of:

“I really don’t want to just get up here and say ‘How is everyone tonight?’ and get a bunch of applause for nothing. I actually care and really would love to find out how each and every one of you are doing. Of course that would take all night, but I sincerely hope all of you are well and I get to meet some of you later and take a moment to truly find out how you are doing. Thank you for coming to listen to my show, I hope you enjoy my music”

The simple act of showing you care to listen to someone and are interested in who they are as a person, is one of the most powerful qualities of charisma that you can project

“I like your statement of appreciation concept: I, you, trait. But how do you avoid feeling formulaic internally after you have just used the same framework with someone else earlier that evening or last night, etc? ”

The framework is there to help make your compliments more effective. Once you get the idea you can say it in a thousand ways.

Here are just a few examples:

I like that you are so creative
I think you have a really amazing sense of style
You are so smart, I find that enthralling about you
You know that is so incredible to me that you are like that

Mix it up and don’t worry about making it too perfect. The most important part is complimenting the character trait. The I, and You, part is to focus it a bit more.

Missing the “you”:

I love women who are adventurous

Missing the “I”

That’s cool you are so adventurous

The first is worse than the second but both lump her into a group. Missing the “you” lumps her into a group with all women you like. Missing the “I” puts her in a group where everyone would think that, not you specifically.

“I am not a virgin but I am really inexperienced sexually, I have only been with a woman once. I am really nervous that the next time I get ready to have sex that she’ll be able to tell since I am not experienced. Should I just tell her upfront, and if I do won’t that be a turn off for her?”

Sexpert Kelly answers:

Women often can’t tell if a man is inexperienced. It usually comes off as being awkward or shy and that is not necessarily something that ends with experience. Just because a man has had several lovers, does not mean that he is good in bed or that they were pleasurable experiences. You need to think in terms of quality, not quantity.

If you are currently seeing someone, what makes you think she has any more experience than you have? She may be feeling just as nervous as you are. Are you just planning on jumping right into sex with her or is it something you are working up to? If you take your time and work up to actual intercourse you will learn a lot about what pleases her sexually and build your own confidence at the same time.

Communication is the key to any relationship. If this is something that really concerns you, then I would recommend talking to her about it. But phrase it in a positive way. Start by telling her that you really like her and that you are very attracted to her (hopefully the truth). Then simply tell her you would like to take your relationship to the next level when it comes to sex but that you want her to know you do not have a lot of experience with sex and you hope that you will be able to learn together what you both like. Tell her you are open to her telling you what pleases her. A lot of men think they know it all; women often find it more appealing to be with a man who is actually open to instruction and feedback.

If you feel comfortable enough to get naked with someone and engage in such a deep level of intimacy, you should feel comfortable talking about it with each other. Sex is something that can always be improved when both partners are willing to work at it. A lot of people do not start their sex lives together feeling the earth move but they get there with practice and patience.

It has never been a more confusing time for men and knowing how to date an empowered woman. When the roles reverse and a woman is more confident or as confident as a man, male insecurities are inevitable. Men have work to do; we have to embrace the masculinity that the modern feminist movement has emasculated out of us. We have to grow a pair. That means stepping up our confidence. A confident woman doesn’t want a submissive man; she is secretly hoping to find a man even more confident than she is!

I was breaking up with a girlfriend a while back and she stabbed me with a harsh criticism. I wasn’t assertive enough for her. I tend to be pretty laid back about things and while I saw her point, I also saw how she emasculated me in her own head. I was new to the city and didn’t know where to go or what to do, so she often chose what we did together. She told me she wanted me to be bolder about choosing where we went. The interesting thing was that I often did that and conveniently those were all the nights she chose to pass and spend the evening on the couch. Those were the nights I wish I had decided to go anyway and leave her sitting on the couch by herself.

When is it okay for a man to be a man? When is a woman too assertive? The final verdict is going to be different for everyone. Men need to embrace the confident assertive energy that is masculinity. This includes being sexually forward and dominant. A strong confident woman wants nothing more than to have a dominant man in the bedroom. While a man loves when an empowered woman enjoys sex and is assertive in the bedroom, as soon as that assertiveness leaves the bedroom he is often intimidated by it.

Men are much simpler than you realize ladies. We know you pull all the strings, but if you let us think we are in charge more often we both get what we want. We feel more dominant and you get to see us confident and assertive. I know if you tell us to be dominant and assertive it defeats the point, however setting up situations where have to be more assertive is key. Let us kill the bug in the house; let us be in charge of the cars and fixing mechanical objects. Even if you know it will be faster just to call someone, let us have our moment. Tell us we are in charge of planning the evening on Friday. Set up situations where we can be assertive instead of jumping in and doing it yourself.

Guys, let’s step it up a notch. A cardinal sin is if she asks, “what do you want to do?” and you answer, “I don’t know.” Be a man, have a plan, in fact have back up plans. You need to take the lead. She’ll tell you when the plan sucks or needs to be changed, but if you at least have a plan, then you are being a man! Here is another tip. When she cancels on an idea and wants to just stay home, go do it anyway without her.

Assertiveness and confidence is so incredibly attractive as long as it doesn’t threaten someone else’s sense of self-confidence. You as an empowered woman in a relationship should not come at the price of an emasculated man. Leave room for a man to be confident. Set him up to feel like he is in charge sometimes, we both know who is really in charge. Guys, time to sack up and stand up for what you want to do. Stand your ground when women try to change things about you that you enjoy or things that don’t even affect her. The easiest way to be dominant without crossing her boundaries is to be assertive about what you want, but not tell her what she should want or do.

Being a confident man or woman is not about always being dominant or getting what you want. It is about knowing who you are and not compromising on the important stuff. Most of us understand when it’s important; the little things are what cause so much drama. Compromise by letting others win on the little stuff so you can be assertive on what is important to you. The most confident leaders know when to let others lead and empower them to feel strong and confident. As a confident woman, let men win sometimes, our ego’s are much more fragile. As a man, learn that being confident and dominant is actually what women appreciate more.