Not everyone gets flirting. It is a special playful rapport that is like a tennis game. If you don’t return the ball the game is over. In my efforts to learn flirting I stumbled a lot and either was too forward or too oblivious to see when it was hit my way. I also know plenty of women who are just as bad. I recall one woman who I was joking around and gave her a very small playful hip bump (physical flirtation). She takes her one misstep and completely ignores it and continues the conversation. A classic example of letting the ball go by.

Flirting is all about lobbing a few tennis balls over the net until you get a return. If the person you are flirting with doesn’t return any of them you are going to have to take another approach. In fact in the method that I teach there are plenty of ways to move forward and be successful without being a good flirt. I should know I had to learn something that worked even while not being a good flirt. When you do get someone willing to flirt back with you it is an exciting fun way to amp up the sexual tension.

The first step in good flirting is to start with some small innuendo and see if they pick up on it and run with it.

Me: Well I can see why it might be difficult to explain, I’m sure they got a bit distracted talking to you.
Her: Oh really, then why is it you aren’t having any trouble?
Me: I had to fortify my defenses against your feminine charm before I came out.
Her: Oh, and how are they holding up?
Me: Well if you keep looking at me that way, I’m doomed.
Her: Well in that case. –she stares deeply in to my eyes-
Me: You win; I guess I’m just going to have to kiss you now.

Notice it started off very subtle and each time she went with it, I intensified it strongly. You know you have succeeded when she blushes, all of a sudden turns shy, or playfully hits you.

Her: I’m kicking myself now for it.
Me: Careful those sexy legs are dangerous!
Her: Nah, they are just for show.
Me: Good cause I am enjoying the show. -sly grin-
Her: -hits me in the arm playfully-

Flirting will naturally escalate to a certain point and is a great way to move things forward. If she keeps returning your flirtation, you keep going with it. If she stops by playing shy, blushing, or hits you playfully, that is a sign to stop that line of flirting for a moment and go back to normal conversation and start again with more subtle flirting. The game is simple. You throw a few flirtatious comments out until one gets accepted and returned (even if it is just an acknowledgement and a willingness for another to come) and then you make the next one a little more obvious and direct. Each time you get a return flirt you keep intensifying it until she stops returning the flirt or the flirting is diffused by her acting shy or she does the playful arm hit and or says something like “You’re bad!”

Flirting takes practice, and you are going to have to be ok with making mistakes. Sometimes you won’t get any of your flirting returned and sometimes you might come off a little too forward. That is where learning sexual barriers will come in because they will give you surefire techniques to save yourself if you were too forward. Sexual barriers work even when your with someone who is not very flirty. For a good discussion of Sexual barriers check out Sexual Escalation – Audio

Good luck on your flirting adventures and remember to have fun and don’t take anything too seriously. Get your flirt on!

I realized then that I sucked at dating at and I needed help. I knew I was a successful, motivated, interesting man with a strong confidence and that peopled liked me; why didn’t she? I was a nice guy. What was wrong with nice guys? Why do nice guys finish last? Do I have to act like an asshole to be good with women?

Are you a nice guy that wants to be better with women? Well on your search I am sure you have come across the Pickup Artist Community revealed by the book by Neil Strauss “The Game”. That was where I started too. After getting trained and teaching for two years as the senior instructor at Charisma Arts (Wayne Elise’s company AKA “Juggler”) I discovered the art of being successful with women and my social life in general. Everything changed for me. I discovered happiness. The interesting thing was I never felt great being associated with the “PUA (pickup artist)” community. They were all telling guys at that time that they had to change, that being themselves wasn’t interesting and stop being the “nice guy”. I remember reading David DeAngelo’s book thinking, “If I have to be that much of an asshole I would rather be alone the rest of my life.”

I have never claimed to be a PUA and I never will. I gained something far more valuable through my search that most of the guys in the community are only grasping at; happiness and a fulfilling social, romantic, and sex life. Most PUA’s I know are good at only the sex life thing.

So how do you be successful with women (and people in general) without being an asshole? Without the cocky funny lines, the routines, and stock banter, what is it that really makes someone successful?

1. Confidence
2. Be Assertive
3. Choice

Know who you are and what is worthwhile and meaningful in your life to achieve true self-confidence. Be assertive with what you want in life, love, and friendship to make it happen. Once you achieve the first two you will see an increase in the choice of who you have to date, who to include in your social circle, and what you want out of the relationships in your life. Understanding you have choice removes the neediness and instills the sense of detachment that is very attractive to the opposite sex.

Assholes, PUA’s, Bad Boys, and Douchebag guys have all three guaranteed. Yes they are good with women, but it is those three that make them successful, not the negative aspects in way they act. My goal has been to be a gentleman, a nice guy, but to find a way to do that successfully. I realize everything in the method I developed and have taught to thousands of men all fall into teaching them techniques to achieve the above three things.

You can be successful and be a gentleman and a nice guy. Don’t let the anyone tell you otherwise. Women want assertive, confident, nice guys.

Some general signs of flirting include:

Eye Contact: Does this person make eye contact with you? Do they continue to make eye contact with you? In other words, do your eyes meet repeatedly? When they do make eye contact do they hold your gaze for several seconds? These are sure signs someone has noticed you and is interested.

Pupil Size: When you get close enough to someone to have a conversation, check out their pupils. Are they bigger? I am not talking about if you are in a poorly lit environment where everyone’s pupils have to be large in order to see. When people like what they see, their pupils increase in size and they tend to blink more. Dilated pupils are also a sign of sexual arousal.

Smiling: Does this person smile when they are talking to you? Smiling is a BIG signal. It reflects a whole range of positive emotions. If someone is smiling at you they are trying to send you the signal they are enjoying themselves and in the flirting world, smiling can go a long way to making someone feel comfortable and be open to being approached.

Personal Space: This is a biggie and one of the most important body language cues to look for and be aware of. If they enter your personal space, this is an excellent sign that they want to get closer to you. But beware and pay attention because if they enter your space too quickly, they’re more aggressive and you may not want to pursue it further.

Mirroring/Moving in Synch: Does the object of your attention change their body movements to compliment yours? Do they make the same sort of body movements? If so, they are trying to establish a comfort level and show their interest.

Face to Face: When someone is interested in you they face you when talking to you. They also position their body so their knees, legs, feet, and arms extend in the direction of the person they are interested in. Keep in mind if the opposite is happening, they turn away, cross their arms and exhibit very closed off body language. If this is what you are getting from the object of your affection, it is time to move on to someone else because they are trying to show you subtly they are not interested.

Attentive Listening: Is this person paying attention to what you are saying? Are they focusing on your conversation rather than looking around the room? Do they seem interested in what you are talking about? You can tell if someone is genuinely interested in what you are saying versus being fake and making small talk while looking for the escape hatch.

A word of caution: we all know flirting can be fun and exciting and lead to opportunities to interact with others. But one thing that is not mentioned enough when discussing this subject is that people need to exercise caution when getting to know new people. Meeting new people is great but we need to remember that every one has pure motives. So please exercise good judgment when giving out personal information such as phone numbers and addresses. If you click with someone you have been flirting with and you both decide you want to take it to the next level, start by getting an email address or cell phone number and meet in public for your first couple of dates. Until you get to know someone and feel comfortable be smart. If someone really likes and respects you they will be willing to take it at your pace.

Coming up next….gender specific flirting signals.

Flirting is fun, daring, and can be cultivated into an art form. How many times have you spotted someone across the room and felt like a magnet is drawing you to them? They catch your eye, peak your interest and when you try to get their attention and they give it to you, there is that Zing! feeling that rushes through you. The excitement, the newness, the possibility that exists as that moment! There is nothing quite like it.

Flirting serves more than one purpose. The first is obvious-it allows you to show someone you are interested. It also tells us if the interest is reciprocated. It can be a prelude to a courtship or something more casual like a sexual encounter. It can also be done as a form of entertainment, or just for fun. This, unfortunately can lead to hurt feelings on the other person’s part as they may be taking it seriously and not be aware that it is all just being done in fun. However what a lot of people don’t realize is that flirting, whether you are the flirter or the flirtee, can really boost your self confidence. We feel good about ourselves when someone flirts with us because we know someone finds us attractive. And when we flirt successfully and get the message across to someone we are interested in it can feel like hitting a home run at the World Series. Sadly, once we get into a relationship, flirting with our partner is often the first thing to go.

Sometimes, when I am out at a bar, restaurant or other public venue I like to sit back and people watch. I find this fascinating. As a sexuality educator I find one of the most interesting experiments is to watch the interactions between people in these situations. In short, watch them flirt! Next time you are in a bar take a look around and watch the body language and behavior of others. If you pay attention you can tell who is interested in whom, and how successful their efforts are. If you pay close attention you can spot people who want to flirt but can’t quite get up the nerve and the people whose flirting skills leave something to be desired.

Indeed, flirting is s skill that comes harder to some. When that person is you, it can be intimidating to watch others flirt with someone, often the same person you desire, with such ease. They seem like a natural.

The flip side of this, of course, is also knowing when someone is flirting with us. Sometimes we are in our own orbit and completely oblivious. Sometimes we don’t pick up in the signals. Sometimes we may think someone is flirting with us but are just not quite sure.

So, in the next few articles I write, we are going to take a serious look at flirting. How it is done by men and women. Are there differences between the genders? Can you tell when someone is flirting with you? How?

Stay tuned and see…..

I have to admit I’ve been that guy who doesn’t call after getting your number. It really wasn’t anything personal. There was nothing you did wrong; in fact likely it was my fault. We had a fun time talking. After a day or so I thought about calling, I honestly did, but I just wasn’t excited about it enough. In the moment we were having fun and I figured more of that in the future would be good so I should get your number. A day or two later all I really had in my mind about our connection was that we had fun. I’d probably have more fun calling up a buddy or maybe trying to meet someone that I had more of a connection with.

There are a lot of reasons why guys flake, from just getting the number because they wanted to see if they could, finding another woman they like more, to just being busy and it would feel weird to call since too much time has passed. It is going to happen to everyone, but there are some things you can do to try to minimize it.

One of the most important things I feel when I meet a woman I plan on calling is that I find something interesting about her. We have either a common interest, or I find that person intriguing. Our interaction went beyond flirting and fun and a deeper connection was made. In our workshops we spend a lot of time working with people to relate with anyone about anything. Forming that connection so he knows you two have things in common and leaving him with a feeling that you are interesting and intriguing is the main goal.

Having a good sense of who you are and answering questions in a way that reveals a bit more about you will go a long way. Also don’t forget to find out what is interesting about them. It is very attractive to us when someone takes an interest in who we are. Playing coy or mysterious is fine when we are trying to guess whether you are attracted to us. If you are trying too hard to be mysterious about who you are, physical attraction becomes one of the only motivating factor for us to call you.

Be interesting, be interested, and be intriguing. If you accomplish those goals when talking to a guy they will likely go home thinking when they should call you, not if.