1. Listen to that voice in your head saying “that sounds stupid, don’t say that!”

One of the most important steps to becoming that creepy guy that makes women so uncomfortable is to learn to censor what you say. Expressing what you think confidently is a guaranteed way to make people like you and feel comfortable around you. Your goal is of course the opposite so it is very important to censor yourself so that only the most emotionally devoid constructed ideas come out of our mouth. You have to give the impression that you are holding back. An even better tip is to be telling a story then end it quickly when you get even the slightest hint she may not be fully enjoying what you are saying.

2. Make sure to use conflicting body language

The number one way to come off creepier is to be sure to send mixed messages with your body language! Some of my favorites are:

Coming up close to a girl you want to talk to then not saying a thing till she talks to you.
Smiling while asking questions.
Keeping your expressions very neutral when giving compliments.
Facing her directly while inside her personal space.

Generally the more you can send conflicting messages the creepier it is for her. If your face is saying “I am not friendly, I am a cool intimidating guy”, while you are leaning over to touch too personally on the inside of her thigh because you are sitting too far away from her, that works perfect to creep her out!

3. Make sure you feign disinterest.

Nothing is creepier than a guy hanging around a girl he likes while trying to act like he doesn’t like her! It is really important to talk over your shoulder most of the time and act like you are in a rocking chair while sitting near her. If it seems like you might walk away any moment, especially when you are saying something important or she is, that will really get under her skin. Definitely make a wise crack about how you might not call her while getting her number!

4. Make forced facial expressions

Your face is the most efficient way to express non-verbal communication. Creeping people out is easy if you master this one! Either make no eye contact or hold it for uncomfortably long periods of times. Don’t ever make good solid eye contact with short look away breaks every 5-10 seconds, that will give her the impression you are confident and assertive!

Smiling when there is no reason to smile and not smiling in reaction to something you like is also a great way to confuse people about how you feel. It is probably best to just keep a calm CIA operative demeanor your entire conversation.

5. Inappropriate casual touch is the fastest way to make her skin crawl

The insides of peoples personal space are sure fire ways to creep someone out by touching. Inner arms, inner legs, stomach, the sexy parts, necks, faces. Touching these before you have established some romantic rapport with her is straight to the creepy zone. Stay away from casually touching the upper outside of the arm, that is the quickest way to make a complete stranger feel comfortable around you. Instead of lightly touching there with the back of your hand you should slowly slide your hand down that part (or any part) of her. Tapping or rubbing is the best way to turn any good casual touch to annoying or even getting you thrown out by the bouncer.

The art of being creepy is really not that hard. Avoid confidently expressing yourself, feel that insecurity making you act strange and even creating involuntary ticks and movements. Be careful about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and being ok with that. Confidently knowing you will make mistakes and not worrying about them will quickly erase all the creepiness from your vibe. I’ve seen the most creepy insecure guys literally turned into confident cassanovas overnight. All it took was some practice making mistakes and being ok with them.

Good luck on getting your Creepy On!

The most helpful thing for me to get me rolling when I enter a bar or somewhere alone is to get into conversation really quickly. Standing around only erodes my confidence and I end up usually going home with my tail between my legs. Being a social guy means I am not just talking to the cute girls but that I talk to anyone. Women notice who you have been talking to in an evening and it is important to be social with everyone. Approaching a couple guys I find is the easiest way to get me in the zone and even help pick me up if i just got rejected by a girl.

Approaching guys is not the same as going up to a woman. I like to act casual and wander up as if I was not directly planning on coming straight up to them. Don’t do the creepy sneak over, just be casual. My no-fail opener is always:

“Hey, how’s your luck with the ladies tonight?”

It never fails. Guys love to talk about women as much as women like to talk about sleep over pillow fights in their lingerie. (Don’t even think about breaking my fantasy about what women really talk about in a comment on this post!)

I usually choose the guys in the corner, the wallflower guys. These guys are trying so hard to look cool and hope someone comes over to talk to them they are usually a great start. From there I usually feel more confident and will go approach a woman using them as my hub. You know they’ll still be standing there when you are done. If you get rejected then you can go back and laugh about it with them. If you are successful get a few girls you just met to come over and meet them, or invite the guys to come meet the girls. You will look good no matter how socially awkward the guys are because you are making introductions. That makes you more friendly and outgoing than anyone in that bar. That leaves an impression!

So don’t ignore the guys next time you go out to meet women. Strike up a conversation with my never fail opener: “Hey, how’s your luck with the ladies tonight?”

You look up and see it’s a call from her, that girl you met the other night and went out with once on what seemed at the time a very promising date. You immediately rush to answer it only glancing at the clock staring back at you blinking some time near midnight.

“Are you coming out? We are at Bar None playing beer pong, you should join us!” She slightly slurs into the phone over the sounds of drunken revelry in the background.

“Sure, I’ll be right there! Talk to you soon.” You reply running your fingers through your stylish bed head hairdo briefly glancing in the direction you hope your pants are. Thoughts of getting lucky, booty calls and a cute girl spur you to get out of bed and ignore your eight am business meeting tomorrow morning.

Parking was more of a pain than you thought it would be. You find yourself finally having your ID examined by the door guy, and walking into $2 beer night being bumped and pushed in every direction as you walk through the bar. Scanning the sea of faces you don’t see hers anywhere. After completing the circuit and almost having beer spilled on you twice you go back outside to call her.

“Hey where are you? I just got here.” You yell into the phone with your finger firmly stuck in your other ear.

She answers, “Oh, we decided to call it a night. I have to get up early tomorrow for work.”

Speechless you manage to stutter out, “Uh ok, well let’s get together soon.”

You have just been flaked on, and the worst part is you allowed it to happen. She is at home in bed by now and you are standing on the sidewalk like an idiot wondering if she likes you or not.

I have been there, thats how I know that even while standing there, you were likely not even that mad at her. Honestly she isn’t worth being mad at; you should be mad at yourself for not applying one simple rule:

Treat a woman no better or worse than one of your buddies.

I certainly wouldn’t get up and come out to join one of my guy friends if I am already in bed; in fact I wouldn’t even answer the phone. Why would you do that for a woman?

I am not saying don’t treat women well. I would do a lot for a friend of mine if he needed me, but he damn well be laying in a ditch somewhere if he is calling me past midnight on a tuesday evening for something.

The least attractive thing to a woman a man can do is not stand up for himself. As scary as it sounds to turn away a woman’s request and what she will think of you, she will admire you and be more attracted to you if you grow a backbone and stand up to her.

Women have an almost unconscious desire to test men sometimes. It can be as small as repeatedly asking for small favors at a time you have something else going on, to changing the music to something you don’t like in your car. Will you say how you feel? Will you tell her you can’t that you are busy, or ask to turn the station back you were enjoying that song? How long and how far will you let it go before she has completely emasculated you? There is no need to be rude when you do it, just simply stand up for yourself.

Emasculated: Answering the phone no matter what or when.
Confident: Answering when you are free and letting it go to voicemail when you are doing something or talking to someone.

Emasculated: Buying a drink for a girl you just met cause she asked you to. (worse if you buy her friends drink too)
Confident: Telling her you might after she gets to know you better, and actually buying her that drink later.

Emasculated: Paying for an extravagant dinner in hopes she will like you.
Confident: Paying for a meal because you invited her to dinner, but actually really being excited to try the restaurant yourself.

Emasculated: Agreeing to go out with her on a night you had previous plans because you will break them for her.
Confident: Choosing a night and time when you are free even if it has been a bit of trouble scheduling it for both of you.

Apply the rule to all of the above.

-If I am busy, I don’t stop what I am doing to take calls from my buddies, I call them back.

-I buy drinks for my friends because I know they will get the next round.

-I will often buy meals or coffee for a friend if I invited them out, not because I want them to like me but because they would do the same for me.

-I don’t pick restaurants I can’t afford to eat at to dine with friends.

Ask yourself, if your buddy treated you the same way how would you act? Don’t supplicate to women anymore, be a gentleman but have a backbone as well.

1. Order for her without coming off like a misogynist.

Ask a woman what she wants or is going to order before the waiter comes (preferably after you have already decided your own order). When the waiter comes to get your order you can give him both of your orders.

You can even beat the waiter to the punch by asking her after your order “Is there anything else you would like?” and it gives her an option if she changed her mind.

2. Choose your seating location, don’t ask her to make your decision.

If you are going to a bar, theatre, or anywhere else where you have a choice of seats, choose confidently where you want to sit. Start walking over to a spot and say, “Let’s sit over there.”

Remember if a woman doesn’t want to do something it is her job to say “No”, you don’t have to keep checking in with her to see if everything you are doing is ok.

3. Assume she will, don’t ask permission

Ask her out by saying: “Thursday night at 8pm, let’s go to my favorite bar in the city for a drink.”

Avoid “Would it be ok if I asked you out? Or got your number?”

Tell her: “It was really cool meeting you, I’d like to get your phone number”

Avoid “What are you doing this week, would you like to go out with me?”

Say to her “I’d like to take you out, how bout I pick you up at 7 on Friday?”

Confidently assume she will say yes and go from there, the rest will fall into place if you approach it this way.

4. Ask a woman out on the phone, not text.

Get her on the phone to ask her out. Doing it over text is such a cowardly way to do it. The only time I break this rule is if she always texts me back instead of returning my calls, then it is fine. Also this doesn’t apply after you have gone on more than a few dates.

5. Be busy, don’t drop everything for her!

Nothing is worse than her knowing you have every night available to accommodate her schedule. Being assertive also means you have a life that you enjoy. Don’t break previous plans to go out with a girl EVER! Leave room in your schedule for her but don’t cancel plans. Instead make sure you make plans with her early in the week before your schedule (or hers) fills up.

Being assertive with women is not about being overbearing. It is saying what you want and leaving room for her to object or provide an alternative if she needs to. Don’t be a jerk about it, just be more decisive. Stating “I think we should go to….” is always better than getting stuck in the rut of “What would you like to do?”

Here are some of my strategies to keep myself confident and in a great mood to date and meet more women:

Be Busy!

One of the worst things for your confidence is sitting home alone making excuses for why you aren’t happy. I find if I have more than a couple evenings a week where I am just having “me” time my social circle starts shrinking and I get more depressed. The busier I am usually the better I am at planning outings and staying connected with friends.

Start planning regular nights you go take a class or go do a new hobby. Not only will you meet new people trying new things always builds confidence faster than just about anything. When you go do something send out a mass text inviting people. Even if no one shows invitations are just banking social karma. You will get more invitations the more you make.

Have a back-up plan.

Nothing gets me worse than a last minute cancellation. Then I am stuck with a whole evening that I got ready to go out and I end up sitting home watching movies. Don’t let some stupid flake ruin your vibe, send out the last minute calls to see what friends are doing. Also try to find one regular event on each night of the week that you can use as a back up plan. Here in San francisco I can find a salsa class on every night of the week, as well as classes at my gym, martial arts studio, indy film theater, comedy clubs, music venues, and even museums. Make some calls and if no one is in, make yourself go anyway!

Get the phone number… from him!

Single women aren’t the only people you want to get phone numbers from. Don’t forget to exchange contact info with cool guys, couples, and even women in relationships. Building a strong social circle is key to being happy and confident. Add them to your mass invites and soon you might find yourself pleasantly surprised when their cute single friends start showing up too. Here is more on how to build a strong social circle: http://www.charismatips.com/building-a-social-circle-2/

Get Your Conversational Skills Warmed Up.

Getting in a good mood to go out and meet people is a crucial element to being on your game. Get a pre-outing routine like listening to your favorite music or listening to a good comic to amp you up. Call a couple buddies to join you and even if they don’t they will get you talking.

Start off easy!

Don’t just go walk up to the hottest girl you see the moment you get there. Start off easy and go talk to some friendly people. One of the best ways I’ve found to get myself on the right track (even if I’ve just been shot down a few times) is to go find a couple of the wall flower guys standing in the corner. Ask them as an opener “Hey guys, how’s your luck with the ladies tonight?” First off they will know you are not gay, secondly their luck will likely be more pathetic than yours. Giving someone else encouragement often gets you in a better mood than you could imagine.

The other benefit of this is that the guys you meet will likely still be sitting there and you can come back and use them as a comfortable place to come back to when you are done talking with another group. Maybe even try to introduce some new people to them and you will all of a sudden be the guy that knows everyone!

Don’t Crawl Back Under Your Rock!

I talk to so many guys who are having trouble and are discouraged with their dating success and in reality it boils down to one thing. They get a bit of rejection or have a bad date/interaction and instead of picking themselves back up and get back out there they sulk. There is no confidence under that rock of yours! Come out and force yourself to get out and be more social.

The biggest difference I have seen in the effect of arrogance thrown in with confidence really depends on the confidence of the woman you are pursuing. We always are attracted to someone more confident than we are. If the women you set your sights on tend to be insecure, the translation of arrogance is often not that different from confidence. The more confident the women you set your sights on, the more easily they will see the insecurity or self delusion of arrogance in your words and actions.

I see it often in my clients that have been using some of the dating advice out there that advocates a “cocky” approach. In an effort to seem more confident they act like the arrogant assholes they had always previously despised. The false confidence comes off as insecurity shielded by arrogance.

The most confident men I have known also happened to be good with women. The two go hand in hand; the interesting thing is that what shows the most confidence is the ability to be ok with our own weakness. Arrogant men try not to show any flaws and flout their positive attributes. Confident men have no problem expressing that they are not perfect yet show no insecurity either.

The key in doing that is when you express a weakness of yours to do it in a confident tone of voice. Communicate through your tone and body language that you are not ashamed of your weakness and you see the positive side of it, or at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. End it on a positive note and don’t be self deprecating. Doing this shows more confidence than any cocky line or attitude.

Also check out an old podcast I did when I worked for Charisma Arts that talks all about how to use a technique called Disqualification to express your weaknesses in a confident way.

On road to true confidence you are bound to make the mistake of being too overtly confident. Even that take it in stride and admit “maybe I’m trying to seem a bit more confident than I am, but you didn’t hear that from me ”

Confidence, Assertiveness, and Genuine Interest.

Look at Obama, our president for an example. He projects an amazing amount of Charisma. Not only is he confident and willing to take a risk to make change, it feels like he actually cares to listen. What an
“American public valued most was a leader whose strength lies in listening.”

Having a genuine interest in who people are and what is interesting about them to me is the most important aspect of charisma.

On a live recording from one of my favorite musicians I remember when he got up and said something to the affect of:

“I really don’t want to just get up here and say ‘How is everyone tonight?’ and get a bunch of applause for nothing. I actually care and really would love to find out how each and every one of you are doing. Of course that would take all night, but I sincerely hope all of you are well and I get to meet some of you later and take a moment to truly find out how you are doing. Thank you for coming to listen to my show, I hope you enjoy my music”

The simple act of showing you care to listen to someone and are interested in who they are as a person, is one of the most powerful qualities of charisma that you can project

“I like your statement of appreciation concept: I, you, trait. But how do you avoid feeling formulaic internally after you have just used the same framework with someone else earlier that evening or last night, etc? ”

The framework is there to help make your compliments more effective. Once you get the idea you can say it in a thousand ways.

Here are just a few examples:

I like that you are so creative
I think you have a really amazing sense of style
You are so smart, I find that enthralling about you
You know that is so incredible to me that you are like that

Mix it up and don’t worry about making it too perfect. The most important part is complimenting the character trait. The I, and You, part is to focus it a bit more.

Missing the “you”:

I love women who are adventurous

Missing the “I”

That’s cool you are so adventurous

The first is worse than the second but both lump her into a group. Missing the “you” lumps her into a group with all women you like. Missing the “I” puts her in a group where everyone would think that, not you specifically.

“I am not a virgin but I am really inexperienced sexually, I have only been with a woman once. I am really nervous that the next time I get ready to have sex that she’ll be able to tell since I am not experienced. Should I just tell her upfront, and if I do won’t that be a turn off for her?”

Sexpert Kelly answers:

Women often can’t tell if a man is inexperienced. It usually comes off as being awkward or shy and that is not necessarily something that ends with experience. Just because a man has had several lovers, does not mean that he is good in bed or that they were pleasurable experiences. You need to think in terms of quality, not quantity.

If you are currently seeing someone, what makes you think she has any more experience than you have? She may be feeling just as nervous as you are. Are you just planning on jumping right into sex with her or is it something you are working up to? If you take your time and work up to actual intercourse you will learn a lot about what pleases her sexually and build your own confidence at the same time.

Communication is the key to any relationship. If this is something that really concerns you, then I would recommend talking to her about it. But phrase it in a positive way. Start by telling her that you really like her and that you are very attracted to her (hopefully the truth). Then simply tell her you would like to take your relationship to the next level when it comes to sex but that you want her to know you do not have a lot of experience with sex and you hope that you will be able to learn together what you both like. Tell her you are open to her telling you what pleases her. A lot of men think they know it all; women often find it more appealing to be with a man who is actually open to instruction and feedback.

If you feel comfortable enough to get naked with someone and engage in such a deep level of intimacy, you should feel comfortable talking about it with each other. Sex is something that can always be improved when both partners are willing to work at it. A lot of people do not start their sex lives together feeling the earth move but they get there with practice and patience.

I remember when a girl asked me how is Bio-Diesel made when I told her I use it in my car. I think I went on for close to fifteen minutes explaining from start to finish the process from turning vegetable oil into Bio-Diesel. She finally stopped me and teased me pretty hard for it. Your date may not find it as endearing.

2 ) Being Condescending

Just because we know a lot about a lot of things never gives us the right to make someone feel stupid. Sometimes simply just taking a moment to ask “How familiar are you with it?” before explaining it as if they were five years old will allow you to save face.

3 ) Know-it-all/always being right

It is hard being smarter than everyone around us (at least we think we are). As soon as I learned to try to see someone else’s point of view fully before explaining my opinion it was a lot more comfortable to be around me. Try to see someone else’s side of things first and relate to it.

4 ) Fashion – Tennis shoes all the time

If you are the guy who wears white tennis shoes in every situation, it is time to go shopping. Buy yourself some nicer shoes for work or casual social events. You don’t have to go crazy but even some more trendy sneakers will go a long way. Sketchers make lots of inexpensive shoes that are as comfortable as tennis shoes but are a little bit more fashionable. You could even branch out and try some more fashionable going out shoes or boots. Just make sure they aren’t too out there if that is not your personality. Women do notice shoes.

5 ) Fashion – Wearing clothes that don’t fit

It is time to stop dressing like the clothes were hand-me-downs. Oversize shirts do not hide your gut or your lack of biceps. The shoulder seam of your shirts should be within an inch of the corner of your shoulder, not down on your arm. Pants should not be baggy; while they shouldn’t be skin tight they should fit well without being too constrictive. Ask a sales woman to help you find sizes that fit and try going too small and too big to understand what the right fit is.

6 ) Fashion – Out of date clothes

Wearing a t-shirt or sweatshirt that was your parting gift from high school is not a statement of loyalty; it’s a statement that you are too lazy to buy new clothes once in a while. Retire your clothes if they are out of date. I usually try to not wear clothes longer than one to two years and sometimes three if I don’t wear them that often. Subtle changes over a few years actually show up and while people may not point it out, it makes you look dated.

7 ) Texting or emailing while talking

I have a bad habit of surfing the web when talking to friends and even women. If you are having a conversation, put down the game, the phone, the email, etc. Pay attention and be in the conversation

8 ) Being defensive when teased

Roll with the punches. Learn a bit of Disqualification and stop defending yourself, they are only teasing.

9 ) Asking for feedback on a date

This is a big one. Don’t ever ask how you are doing on a date. Don’t ask whether she likes you or not or if she is having fun. Nothing shows more insecurity then checking in frequently on a date. Have fun and enjoy your time together. If she is not into you, or not having fun, that is her responsibility to end the date or tell you. It only makes it awkward for you to ask. If she says no, what are you going to do about it? Getting to the second date will tell you more than any answer she gives you.

10 ) Self Deprecating

Comedians are great at self deprecating humor. Leave it for them to do or learn to use Disqualification. While you shouldn’t be bragging, conversely don’t put yourself down. It shows a lot of insecurity. I mean honestly when a woman tells me she is fat, I almost want to smack her. It is like fishing for a compliment, I don’t want to pander to her insecurities. You shouldn’t make women feel that way either by putting yourself down.

It has never been a more confusing time for men and knowing how to date an empowered woman. When the roles reverse and a woman is more confident or as confident as a man, male insecurities are inevitable. Men have work to do; we have to embrace the masculinity that the modern feminist movement has emasculated out of us. We have to grow a pair. That means stepping up our confidence. A confident woman doesn’t want a submissive man; she is secretly hoping to find a man even more confident than she is!

I was breaking up with a girlfriend a while back and she stabbed me with a harsh criticism. I wasn’t assertive enough for her. I tend to be pretty laid back about things and while I saw her point, I also saw how she emasculated me in her own head. I was new to the city and didn’t know where to go or what to do, so she often chose what we did together. She told me she wanted me to be bolder about choosing where we went. The interesting thing was that I often did that and conveniently those were all the nights she chose to pass and spend the evening on the couch. Those were the nights I wish I had decided to go anyway and leave her sitting on the couch by herself.

When is it okay for a man to be a man? When is a woman too assertive? The final verdict is going to be different for everyone. Men need to embrace the confident assertive energy that is masculinity. This includes being sexually forward and dominant. A strong confident woman wants nothing more than to have a dominant man in the bedroom. While a man loves when an empowered woman enjoys sex and is assertive in the bedroom, as soon as that assertiveness leaves the bedroom he is often intimidated by it.

Men are much simpler than you realize ladies. We know you pull all the strings, but if you let us think we are in charge more often we both get what we want. We feel more dominant and you get to see us confident and assertive. I know if you tell us to be dominant and assertive it defeats the point, however setting up situations where have to be more assertive is key. Let us kill the bug in the house; let us be in charge of the cars and fixing mechanical objects. Even if you know it will be faster just to call someone, let us have our moment. Tell us we are in charge of planning the evening on Friday. Set up situations where we can be assertive instead of jumping in and doing it yourself.

Guys, let’s step it up a notch. A cardinal sin is if she asks, “what do you want to do?” and you answer, “I don’t know.” Be a man, have a plan, in fact have back up plans. You need to take the lead. She’ll tell you when the plan sucks or needs to be changed, but if you at least have a plan, then you are being a man! Here is another tip. When she cancels on an idea and wants to just stay home, go do it anyway without her.

Assertiveness and confidence is so incredibly attractive as long as it doesn’t threaten someone else’s sense of self-confidence. You as an empowered woman in a relationship should not come at the price of an emasculated man. Leave room for a man to be confident. Set him up to feel like he is in charge sometimes, we both know who is really in charge. Guys, time to sack up and stand up for what you want to do. Stand your ground when women try to change things about you that you enjoy or things that don’t even affect her. The easiest way to be dominant without crossing her boundaries is to be assertive about what you want, but not tell her what she should want or do.

Being a confident man or woman is not about always being dominant or getting what you want. It is about knowing who you are and not compromising on the important stuff. Most of us understand when it’s important; the little things are what cause so much drama. Compromise by letting others win on the little stuff so you can be assertive on what is important to you. The most confident leaders know when to let others lead and empower them to feel strong and confident. As a confident woman, let men win sometimes, our ego’s are much more fragile. As a man, learn that being confident and dominant is actually what women appreciate more.

The idea of finding someone that I can admire has been in my mind a lot lately. I want someone who will impress me and I can be excited to share in their passions and their growth. My honest fear is that if I find that person will I be someone who they can admire? Telling myself that I already am, and being confident in my achievements and my self-actualization is of course what I do, but my path of self-improvement is a never-ending task. The question is, are YOU someone who you can admire?

Being good with people and having charisma can be taught in a simple weekend workshop and some good ongoing motivation and guidance. I see it every weekend in the graduates of our courses. However I often see people plateau on their journey. Their technical conversation and people skills are good, their motivation for improvement is good, but something is still missing. Being admirable.

Here are some ideas for developing an admirable life and personality:

Try something new each week.

Drop in on a yoga class, cook something you have never made before, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or walk around saying “Hi!” out loud to people you pass on the street. New experiences shape the people we are; it even shapes the neural pathways in our brains to think differently. Being successful at new things that you try will also build an immense amount of confidence. Success breeds confidence and confidence breeds success. This is a cycle you can create by having small successes throughout your life.

Manifest Positivity

Studies show that a positive mindset has a significant effect on health and well-being. We all have rough times and negative things that happen to us all the time. Those with positive attitudes don’t deny that there are bad things; they just choose to focus on what will get them where they are going rather than dwell on what will keep them stagnant. Try first just identifying thoughts and actions that are negative and that you want to change. From gossiping about people to restructuring your negative thoughts about yourself; first identify the negative, then choose to re-write the thought or action into a positive. For example, if I am in a bad mood and start saying I’ll never be successful, I turn it around and say in my head, “No, I choose the positive. I will be successful in getting what I really NEED in life.” Just taking a moment to identify and re-write thoughts or actions that are negative will have a huge impact on how you view the world. In turn no one will call you Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer behind your back anymore.

Declare who you are and what you want.

Read the post called Confidence and Conversation Exercises and spend some time trying to answer some of the questions. Many of the questions there are meant to make you see where in your life you may want to work on. The idea is to sit down and go on a date with yourself. What would be the things that you would want someone to try to find out about you? How are you interesting and admirable? I know for me a major strike against a woman is when I ask her what she does for fun and she says, “I like to hang out with friends, go shopping, you know, the usual stuff.” Especially the shopping comment, that is like male-kryptonite. Talk about style and fashion sure, but not shopping. We just see money symbols in your eyes when you look at us.

Develop a good social circle.

Ups and downs are part of life. No matter how positive and confident you are, no matter how many exciting fun new things you add to your life, it is supportive friends and family that help us through our tough times. Looking for supportive friends is a skill in and of itself. Start with never turning down and invitation and start inviting people to all those new things you yourself are trying. Also check out a post called Building a Social Circle

Be someone you find admirable and people will not be able to help falling in love with you. Not to mention you just might meet some people who read this blog that are doing the same thing, ok well at least people who are trying to be admirable in their own way too. Be the person you want to date and you will draw the same kind of people to you.

Anyone can learn to be charismatic with a bit of help and guidance. What I do in my workshops is not try to change anyone; instead I try to help people reveal the confident, interesting, and expressive sides to their personality while helping them understand how to do that in a balanced way.

Some Do’s and Don’ts:

Do make a strong introduction.
– A warm friendly confident smile and eye contact in the first moments of meeting make all the difference.

Do take a genuine interest in other people.
– We all want to be validated and liked. Giving that to others is a sure way to get it in return.

Do express some personality.
– Be an individual with positive confident views.

Don’t talk facts.
– They can read that in the brochure. What is your experience with [person, place, thing, etc.]

Don’t try to make them like you.
– Learn what it is about them that you like and that interest will be returned.

Don’t ask too many questions. Don’t do all the talking.
– Balance asking questions with making statements about your experiences and relating to them.

One of the confidence cues I have recently been noticing a lot is where people look. While no one glance tells the whole story I noticed that when I exchange glances with someone or am even in a conversation with someone the act of looking straight down creates an almost unconscious evaluation of them in my head.

What interests me is what this act of looking down means. When I meet another man’s eyes there is a subtle, unconscious, dominance play that happens. Whoever looks away first is often the less confident. If he holds my gaze then I have to smile and nod otherwise it could be interpreted as aggressive. If at any time he or I looks down in this exchange rather than to the side, an unconscious statement of dominance becomes apparent. With women a similar thing happens.

When a man and a woman meet it isn’t so bad if a woman looks down at first. In fact it can even be attractive if she is looking at him and when he meets her gaze she looks down and back at him. A more confident woman looking to the side doesn’t betray her interest in him. A woman who looks down shows a bit of vulnerability, which is attractive to most men. However if she is consistently looking down it goes beyond vulnerability and slight submissiveness to insecurity. For men, looking down may be a good thing when the conversation turns to a more personal level but at the early stages of meeting and initiating a conversation, looking down just shows insecurity.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming eye accessing cues show us that where we look when thinking often means something. Looking down is accessing either internal mental dialog or our internal feelings. In the first stages of an interaction either shows a lack of confidence because likely that internal dialogue or emotions are insecurities going through someone’s mind. Due to male and female roles it is ok for a woman to be a bit submissive up front, even doing so can encourage a man to approach, however with either sex confidence is king. The more confident a person is the more attractive they are. Looking down shows someone is in their head or feeling something.

Imagine in your head someone who is insecure and not showing confidence. I envision a person with their shoulders slightly shrugged and forward, shifting and fidgeting and looking down at their feet. A confident person stands tall with their shoulders back and looks people in the eyes, rarely looking down.

Try walking around in public and see when you are naturally looking down after exchanging glances. Notice when you catch someone’s eyes that you find attractive and what you do. I find this to be a great indicator of my outward confidence and if I start being conscious of it my confidence level grows. Much like forcing myself to smile when I am down cheers me up, avoiding looking down helps me feel more confident.