I can’t blame you; in fact I am a bit addicted to it myself. However as a woman you have a bigger fix you can get from it. It is all in the hormones it produces, like oxytocin, which keeps you coming back for more like a junkie. I apologize for that analogy, it is not my intention to denigrate you; I only want to rouse you from this dire situation. You are addicted to it and you must learn to manage your addiction. Unlike many drugs, you can’t go cold turkey, or wean yourself off it. I suppose the monastic life is an escape, however I doubt suppression truly cures you of the addiction. So it is about management.

So let’s get real. I’ll point out an observation I have noticed about the women I have dated and seen date as my friends or friends of friends. Many of you get stuck in relationships that don’t serve you. These often results in you trying to change us as men and please stop that, it won’t work! Or you see the problems and think you can make it better if you work harder. There is even a term called placeholder boyfriend, which I find humorous since many women get stuck with that placeholder and walk away from their upgrade possibilities. From backup boyfriends to flings, they get comfortable and the prospect of being alone again is just so…. Undesirable.

The best defense in my opinion is a good offense, date like a man; date multiple people at once so you always see you have options. However I understand if you can’t do that. Fine, you’ve tried it and it doesn’t work for you. Moving on past the better option in my opinion, I want to give you two tools to manage your addiction.

The Break-Up Sponsor

Face it; we need a relationship-aholic anonymous group. Of course if you join this group I would set you up with a sponsor. It wouldn’t have to be from our group, in fact I would want you to choose your most trusted friend who can tell it to you straight, as well as be supportive. Most important they must be available for you in times of need. You might even want to be their sponsor too.

A good sponsor is someone who you can call anytime and help distract you from the thoughts of going back with him, the breakup booty call, the need and desire to just cuddle with him one more time. Be honest, those thoughts can drive you right back to him and leave your self-respect on his floor alongside your underwear and a used condom. I know how much you really liked that pair, and will likely have to hook up with him again just to get them back, leaving yet more of your self confidence on his floor. Doesn’t a fruity cocktail, or even a margarita in your pajamas watching movies sound better. That is what your sponsor is for. Even just a quick phone call to distract you right at that crucial moment you are succumbing to that moment of weakness.

The Best Friend Veto

Ok, so your back to dating. You’ve left that man in the past, yes you lost a couple pairs of underwear to him, hopefully one well placed for the next tramp he takes home to find, but he is history. Instead there is a new man in your life. He is so dreamy with his tattoos and bad boy good looks. We don’t even want to mention how many times he made you come last night. The funny thing is all your friends hate him. Who cares, you are in love. Fast forward a few months and you will be back to needing that break-up sponsor again, hopefully without the “I told you so” accompaniment.

I have never known the best friend to be wrong about a guy. So why not give someone with a rational objective view knock some sense into you. Make it official, impart the importance and gravity of this power but grant it nonetheless. Once the best friend veto is enacted there is no contact allowed. Promise yourself and them that. Heck, even make it so your break-up sponsor is the one with that power. Imagine just how many I-wish-I-had-never-met-him’s you could have avoided.

So now you have some tools. Will you actually utilize them, or will you let the past repeat itself. I’m laying it straight for you; I hate seeing you do this yo-yo dance with your emotions and self-respect. I understand how hard it is. Between the physical addiction to oxytocin and other hormones that are released, and the mental and emotional addiction to being needed and wanted, those are some powerful intoxicants. Realize that taking help is ok; you might need it. Good luck fellow relationship-aholic!