Learn how to have success with women in 3 dates. Part 1 gives first date advice and first date tips.

This is an interesting question. I have seen this a few times from women in my own experience as well as with clients.

Honestly that is my question, why did she answer the phone if she doesn’t want to commit to a date?

Answer 1:

I don’t bother trying to figure out what women are thinking. I try to do it all the time but I find that my success rate is always better when I don’t.

Here is what I do:

Me: So why don’t we grab a drink on thursday night.
Her: Ya, thursday doesn’t work for me.

Me: No worries, how about sunday evening?
Her: Actually I can’t do it then either.

Me: Ok your turn, you choose a day

Put the ball back in her court. Be assertive by picking times without doing the whole “when are you free” game.

If she still doesn’t commit to a time be ready to walk away. Not in a rude way, just confident that you aren’t going to play the game. If she answered the phone she likely wants to go out with you. There could be lots of reasons why she is hesitating, from thinking she wants to get to know you over the phone first, that she is also kind of dating someone else, to just wanting the attention without committing to it. It really doesn’t matter what her reasons are, your action is the same. Put it on the line.

Me: Well, then I guess you will just have to call me the next time your free. It was cool meeting you if I don’t catch you maybe we’ll bump into each other again soon.

This is very polite, not defensive or overtly distancing yourself, but it says something very clear without shoving it in her face; “I’m about to be gone and you will lose this opportunity.”

You will be amazed the lengths women will go to get you back to pursuing them even if they are not that interested. It is human nature to want to be the one who is being pursued.

I know when I first started to uncover the secrets to better conversation with women the number one thing that was screwing me up was this simple mistake.

Me: Where are you from?

Her: I’m from San Diego

Me: Cool, so your from San Diego. What brought you up here?

Her: I got a job in advertising up here.

Me: So your in advertising huh?

Notice the problem? Notice the problem? It’s as bad as a TV sitcom repeat playing over and over. Stop repeating what she says, she was the one who said it, she knows what she just said.

I did this because I was filling space. It is a lot more comfortable to let my mouth run on autopilot and repeat the last thing she said then be confident in a pause to collect my next thought. T

The problem is that by repeating what she just said you aren’t fooling anyone. She can see that you are just filling space and time and it will make it seem like you are more nervous

• What do you talk about on the second date? Most of the good conversation topics seem to be covered.
• If you managed to kiss her where do you go from there?
• You are probably nervous about the pressure of it needing to be better than the first date.

The second date is a very crucial date. A lot of women will give a guy a second date even if the first date was only OK, but if it doesn’t go better than the first it will be the last. It is on you to make the second date more than just a “get to know you” interview.

I usually do coffee or drinks for the first date, some activity where we can still talk on the second, and then a dinner date (usually at my place with me cooking) on the third date. If you can make it through those three you are usually golden and dating after that gets easier. The second date is always the one that I find is the most critical though.

The first key is to never move backwards on your dates unless she is specifically trying to slow it down. I usually kiss her the first time I meet her or on the first date. Obviously if the first date was coffee, an opportunity for kissing may not be making its way in there and I add one more date, usually drinks before an activity date. If you kissed her on the first date and you guys get close yet you don’t go to the same level on the second date, you are moving backwards. The other bonus to doing an activity date like hiking, going to a museum, or even going downtown and wandering through the shops, is that it takes a little bit of the pressure off and the environment gives you stuff to talk about. Just avoid taking a class together or doing an activity where it is more about that than doing something while talking.

I find the crucial moment on the second date is the first moment you see her. You are both nervous about how the date is going to go, whether the same vibe and rapport will happen, and if the feelings for each other are going to grow a bit. Take the first moment you see her on that second date to establish firmly how the rest of the date is going to go. It is exactly like approaching a woman for the first time. That first vibe she sees at the approach will tell her how the rest of the interaction will go.

If you have kissed her on the last date, the moment you see her again warmly greet her with confidence and give her a big hug and then kiss her straight on the lips with a touch of a slow romantic kiss without trying to “make out with her”. Save the tongue for later boys, just no grandma peck. Make it a short kiss and be the one to end it first. If you haven’t kissed her take this opportunity to give her a hug than with your arms still around her waist look her right in the eyes and in a slightly seductive way for a moment. Then before it becomes the slightest bit awkward go back to the warm friendly vibe and say something like “let’s go!” and start heading toward where you are going for your date.

These are my suggestions of how to handle the first few moments of your second date, feel free to do whatever is comfortable to you. The main point is to re-establish that vibe you had with her from the last date. If you had a good first date and start the second date off with that normal awkwardness of seeing each other again, that sets a negative tone. I want to be assertive right from the start to re-establish that comfortable vibe with her. However you handle it be conscious about being extra warm and affectionate the first moments of every date.

There are two common ways we put too much pressure on other people in romantic situations. The qualifications we put on someone and the situation we create. A broader topic that also adds pressure that I will likely go into in another blog is neediness and acting like there is more to the relationship too quickly.

“A man has to be ok with cats” or “Being ok with me riding my motorcycle is a must.” These statements are deal breaker statements. These are good to put out there really early. Whether it is about kids, lifestyle needs, or even personality traits, saying up front what you’re not ok with is a good thing. If someone isn’t ok with it you should know that soon. “I want a man who is really funny who always has me laughing” or “I want a woman who has a natural beauty that she just wakes up looking good”. These are statements that put a lot of pressure on someone. If you really want something like that keep it to yourself and if they are not that then find someone else. By voicing your qualifications you create a pedestal for that person. They will be worried whether they can even make it onto your pedestal, and if they do, when will they fall off of it. In our workshops we talk about how disqualification can help you avoid the problem of qualification altogether.

The situation we put people in can also be a tremendous source of pressure. Understanding all the ways we set up people to feel pressured can be a very difficult thing to understand and correct. Identifying common situations first is the key. Let’s take the common example of the dinner date. This situation puts way too much pressure on both people, especially for the first date. The man is often expected to choose the restaurant, which will likely reflect on his financial situation. If the date is in an unfamiliar place, then the pressure increases choosing a restaurant neither may be familiar with. If he picks one where he goes often, she is left wondering if he takes all his dates there. A woman has to very carefully choose what she will wear hoping it will be appropriate to the classiness of the restaurant. Also her outfit should not reflect poorly on her date, either by being overdressed in relation to, or be risqué. Of course with all of that she wants to still look beautiful and attractive. Of course then who is expected to pay? Is going Dutch ok these days? If he does pay and it’s on a first date, what does he expect in return? With this being the stereotypical first date it is no wonder people have dating problems. Meeting for coffee or drinks for a first date is much more of a low-pressure situation. Dinner can come later when you both feel more comfortable around each other.

Think about what qualifications you voice to other people and what situations you get into that put pressure on yourself and others. There is a pressure relief valve in any situation; the challenge is to find it!