Learn how to have success with women in 3 dates. Part 1 gives first date advice and first date tips.

This is an interesting question. I have seen this a few times from women in my own experience as well as with clients.

Honestly that is my question, why did she answer the phone if she doesn’t want to commit to a date?

Answer 1:

I don’t bother trying to figure out what women are thinking. I try to do it all the time but I find that my success rate is always better when I don’t.

Here is what I do:

Me: So why don’t we grab a drink on thursday night.
Her: Ya, thursday doesn’t work for me.

Me: No worries, how about sunday evening?
Her: Actually I can’t do it then either.

Me: Ok your turn, you choose a day

Put the ball back in her court. Be assertive by picking times without doing the whole “when are you free” game.

If she still doesn’t commit to a time be ready to walk away. Not in a rude way, just confident that you aren’t going to play the game. If she answered the phone she likely wants to go out with you. There could be lots of reasons why she is hesitating, from thinking she wants to get to know you over the phone first, that she is also kind of dating someone else, to just wanting the attention without committing to it. It really doesn’t matter what her reasons are, your action is the same. Put it on the line.

Me: Well, then I guess you will just have to call me the next time your free. It was cool meeting you if I don’t catch you maybe we’ll bump into each other again soon.

This is very polite, not defensive or overtly distancing yourself, but it says something very clear without shoving it in her face; “I’m about to be gone and you will lose this opportunity.”

You will be amazed the lengths women will go to get you back to pursuing them even if they are not that interested. It is human nature to want to be the one who is being pursued.

I know when I first started to uncover the secrets to better conversation with women the number one thing that was screwing me up was this simple mistake.

Me: Where are you from?

Her: I’m from San Diego

Me: Cool, so your from San Diego. What brought you up here?

Her: I got a job in advertising up here.

Me: So your in advertising huh?

Notice the problem? Notice the problem? It’s as bad as a TV sitcom repeat playing over and over. Stop repeating what she says, she was the one who said it, she knows what she just said.

I did this because I was filling space. It is a lot more comfortable to let my mouth run on autopilot and repeat the last thing she said then be confident in a pause to collect my next thought. T

The problem is that by repeating what she just said you aren’t fooling anyone. She can see that you are just filling space and time and it will make it seem like you are more nervous

You look up and see it’s a call from her, that girl you met the other night and went out with once on what seemed at the time a very promising date. You immediately rush to answer it only glancing at the clock staring back at you blinking some time near midnight.

“Are you coming out? We are at Bar None playing beer pong, you should join us!” She slightly slurs into the phone over the sounds of drunken revelry in the background.

“Sure, I’ll be right there! Talk to you soon.” You reply running your fingers through your stylish bed head hairdo briefly glancing in the direction you hope your pants are. Thoughts of getting lucky, booty calls and a cute girl spur you to get out of bed and ignore your eight am business meeting tomorrow morning.

Parking was more of a pain than you thought it would be. You find yourself finally having your ID examined by the door guy, and walking into $2 beer night being bumped and pushed in every direction as you walk through the bar. Scanning the sea of faces you don’t see hers anywhere. After completing the circuit and almost having beer spilled on you twice you go back outside to call her.

“Hey where are you? I just got here.” You yell into the phone with your finger firmly stuck in your other ear.

She answers, “Oh, we decided to call it a night. I have to get up early tomorrow for work.”

Speechless you manage to stutter out, “Uh ok, well let’s get together soon.”

You have just been flaked on, and the worst part is you allowed it to happen. She is at home in bed by now and you are standing on the sidewalk like an idiot wondering if she likes you or not.

I have been there, thats how I know that even while standing there, you were likely not even that mad at her. Honestly she isn’t worth being mad at; you should be mad at yourself for not applying one simple rule:

Treat a woman no better or worse than one of your buddies.

I certainly wouldn’t get up and come out to join one of my guy friends if I am already in bed; in fact I wouldn’t even answer the phone. Why would you do that for a woman?

I am not saying don’t treat women well. I would do a lot for a friend of mine if he needed me, but he damn well be laying in a ditch somewhere if he is calling me past midnight on a tuesday evening for something.

The least attractive thing to a woman a man can do is not stand up for himself. As scary as it sounds to turn away a woman’s request and what she will think of you, she will admire you and be more attracted to you if you grow a backbone and stand up to her.

Women have an almost unconscious desire to test men sometimes. It can be as small as repeatedly asking for small favors at a time you have something else going on, to changing the music to something you don’t like in your car. Will you say how you feel? Will you tell her you can’t that you are busy, or ask to turn the station back you were enjoying that song? How long and how far will you let it go before she has completely emasculated you? There is no need to be rude when you do it, just simply stand up for yourself.

Emasculated: Answering the phone no matter what or when.
Confident: Answering when you are free and letting it go to voicemail when you are doing something or talking to someone.

Emasculated: Buying a drink for a girl you just met cause she asked you to. (worse if you buy her friends drink too)
Confident: Telling her you might after she gets to know you better, and actually buying her that drink later.

Emasculated: Paying for an extravagant dinner in hopes she will like you.
Confident: Paying for a meal because you invited her to dinner, but actually really being excited to try the restaurant yourself.

Emasculated: Agreeing to go out with her on a night you had previous plans because you will break them for her.
Confident: Choosing a night and time when you are free even if it has been a bit of trouble scheduling it for both of you.

Apply the rule to all of the above.

-If I am busy, I don’t stop what I am doing to take calls from my buddies, I call them back.

-I buy drinks for my friends because I know they will get the next round.

-I will often buy meals or coffee for a friend if I invited them out, not because I want them to like me but because they would do the same for me.

-I don’t pick restaurants I can’t afford to eat at to dine with friends.

Ask yourself, if your buddy treated you the same way how would you act? Don’t supplicate to women anymore, be a gentleman but have a backbone as well.

1. Order for her without coming off like a misogynist.

Ask a woman what she wants or is going to order before the waiter comes (preferably after you have already decided your own order). When the waiter comes to get your order you can give him both of your orders.

You can even beat the waiter to the punch by asking her after your order “Is there anything else you would like?” and it gives her an option if she changed her mind.

2. Choose your seating location, don’t ask her to make your decision.

If you are going to a bar, theatre, or anywhere else where you have a choice of seats, choose confidently where you want to sit. Start walking over to a spot and say, “Let’s sit over there.”

Remember if a woman doesn’t want to do something it is her job to say “No”, you don’t have to keep checking in with her to see if everything you are doing is ok.

3. Assume she will, don’t ask permission

Ask her out by saying: “Thursday night at 8pm, let’s go to my favorite bar in the city for a drink.”

Avoid “Would it be ok if I asked you out? Or got your number?”

Tell her: “It was really cool meeting you, I’d like to get your phone number”

Avoid “What are you doing this week, would you like to go out with me?”

Say to her “I’d like to take you out, how bout I pick you up at 7 on Friday?”

Confidently assume she will say yes and go from there, the rest will fall into place if you approach it this way.

4. Ask a woman out on the phone, not text.

Get her on the phone to ask her out. Doing it over text is such a cowardly way to do it. The only time I break this rule is if she always texts me back instead of returning my calls, then it is fine. Also this doesn’t apply after you have gone on more than a few dates.

5. Be busy, don’t drop everything for her!

Nothing is worse than her knowing you have every night available to accommodate her schedule. Being assertive also means you have a life that you enjoy. Don’t break previous plans to go out with a girl EVER! Leave room in your schedule for her but don’t cancel plans. Instead make sure you make plans with her early in the week before your schedule (or hers) fills up.

Being assertive with women is not about being overbearing. It is saying what you want and leaving room for her to object or provide an alternative if she needs to. Don’t be a jerk about it, just be more decisive. Stating “I think we should go to….” is always better than getting stuck in the rut of “What would you like to do?”

Here are some of my strategies to keep myself confident and in a great mood to date and meet more women:

Be Busy!

One of the worst things for your confidence is sitting home alone making excuses for why you aren’t happy. I find if I have more than a couple evenings a week where I am just having “me” time my social circle starts shrinking and I get more depressed. The busier I am usually the better I am at planning outings and staying connected with friends.

Start planning regular nights you go take a class or go do a new hobby. Not only will you meet new people trying new things always builds confidence faster than just about anything. When you go do something send out a mass text inviting people. Even if no one shows invitations are just banking social karma. You will get more invitations the more you make.

Have a back-up plan.

Nothing gets me worse than a last minute cancellation. Then I am stuck with a whole evening that I got ready to go out and I end up sitting home watching movies. Don’t let some stupid flake ruin your vibe, send out the last minute calls to see what friends are doing. Also try to find one regular event on each night of the week that you can use as a back up plan. Here in San francisco I can find a salsa class on every night of the week, as well as classes at my gym, martial arts studio, indy film theater, comedy clubs, music venues, and even museums. Make some calls and if no one is in, make yourself go anyway!

Get the phone number… from him!

Single women aren’t the only people you want to get phone numbers from. Don’t forget to exchange contact info with cool guys, couples, and even women in relationships. Building a strong social circle is key to being happy and confident. Add them to your mass invites and soon you might find yourself pleasantly surprised when their cute single friends start showing up too. Here is more on how to build a strong social circle: http://www.charismatips.com/building-a-social-circle-2/

Get Your Conversational Skills Warmed Up.

Getting in a good mood to go out and meet people is a crucial element to being on your game. Get a pre-outing routine like listening to your favorite music or listening to a good comic to amp you up. Call a couple buddies to join you and even if they don’t they will get you talking.

Start off easy!

Don’t just go walk up to the hottest girl you see the moment you get there. Start off easy and go talk to some friendly people. One of the best ways I’ve found to get myself on the right track (even if I’ve just been shot down a few times) is to go find a couple of the wall flower guys standing in the corner. Ask them as an opener “Hey guys, how’s your luck with the ladies tonight?” First off they will know you are not gay, secondly their luck will likely be more pathetic than yours. Giving someone else encouragement often gets you in a better mood than you could imagine.

The other benefit of this is that the guys you meet will likely still be sitting there and you can come back and use them as a comfortable place to come back to when you are done talking with another group. Maybe even try to introduce some new people to them and you will all of a sudden be the guy that knows everyone!

Don’t Crawl Back Under Your Rock!

I talk to so many guys who are having trouble and are discouraged with their dating success and in reality it boils down to one thing. They get a bit of rejection or have a bad date/interaction and instead of picking themselves back up and get back out there they sulk. There is no confidence under that rock of yours! Come out and force yourself to get out and be more social.

As men we are hardwired to chase and try to win the trophy. We don’t care that the gold color on the trophy is just painted plastic. The same applies to women. If they meet our initial qualifications, little will change our minds about whether we want to pursue them or not. We gave them an elevator up onto a pedestal and her approval is our medal and trophy that we will try for at all costs.

The problem is that the view of you from up there isn’t that attractive. Women are told so many times by our society that they do not fit the level of perfection they see in the movies and in magazines. When you come along and show such an intense interest she is so worried about being seen as who she is, flaws and all, once your fantasy of her is shattered she won’t even take a risk of that happening.

So what are we to do? Keep an eye out for her skeletons. Everyone has em. Remind yourself you don’t know her yet and she might end up being psycho of the year! Reel yourself back in, show more interest in her when she reveals things you like and don’t OVER compliment her when she is not giving you anything worth complimenting on.

I follow one simple rule. She gets no more and no less than any other girl I have dated that I was mediocre about. I have a particular woman in mind usually that I dated and did nice things for occasionally but in general didn’t go out of my way to try to impress. If I find myself going overboard and trying to impress her or acting too smitten, I reel it back. This doesn’t mean acting like an ass and not calling her back or not showing that you do want to see her, it is just a yardstick to avoid going overboard.

Good luck and keep her off your pedestal!

• What do you talk about on the second date? Most of the good conversation topics seem to be covered.
• If you managed to kiss her where do you go from there?
• You are probably nervous about the pressure of it needing to be better than the first date.

The second date is a very crucial date. A lot of women will give a guy a second date even if the first date was only OK, but if it doesn’t go better than the first it will be the last. It is on you to make the second date more than just a “get to know you” interview.

I usually do coffee or drinks for the first date, some activity where we can still talk on the second, and then a dinner date (usually at my place with me cooking) on the third date. If you can make it through those three you are usually golden and dating after that gets easier. The second date is always the one that I find is the most critical though.

The first key is to never move backwards on your dates unless she is specifically trying to slow it down. I usually kiss her the first time I meet her or on the first date. Obviously if the first date was coffee, an opportunity for kissing may not be making its way in there and I add one more date, usually drinks before an activity date. If you kissed her on the first date and you guys get close yet you don’t go to the same level on the second date, you are moving backwards. The other bonus to doing an activity date like hiking, going to a museum, or even going downtown and wandering through the shops, is that it takes a little bit of the pressure off and the environment gives you stuff to talk about. Just avoid taking a class together or doing an activity where it is more about that than doing something while talking.

I find the crucial moment on the second date is the first moment you see her. You are both nervous about how the date is going to go, whether the same vibe and rapport will happen, and if the feelings for each other are going to grow a bit. Take the first moment you see her on that second date to establish firmly how the rest of the date is going to go. It is exactly like approaching a woman for the first time. That first vibe she sees at the approach will tell her how the rest of the interaction will go.

If you have kissed her on the last date, the moment you see her again warmly greet her with confidence and give her a big hug and then kiss her straight on the lips with a touch of a slow romantic kiss without trying to “make out with her”. Save the tongue for later boys, just no grandma peck. Make it a short kiss and be the one to end it first. If you haven’t kissed her take this opportunity to give her a hug than with your arms still around her waist look her right in the eyes and in a slightly seductive way for a moment. Then before it becomes the slightest bit awkward go back to the warm friendly vibe and say something like “let’s go!” and start heading toward where you are going for your date.

These are my suggestions of how to handle the first few moments of your second date, feel free to do whatever is comfortable to you. The main point is to re-establish that vibe you had with her from the last date. If you had a good first date and start the second date off with that normal awkwardness of seeing each other again, that sets a negative tone. I want to be assertive right from the start to re-establish that comfortable vibe with her. However you handle it be conscious about being extra warm and affectionate the first moments of every date.

I so want to kiss her but is the time right?

What will she do if I kiss her and she is not ready? Will I get slapped?

Oh that deep fear of rejection, my nemesis, stop plaguing my thoughts with doubt.

That’s it, I am going to do it. I am just going to kiss her. We have been talking long enough!

But wait… more talking…

Is it ok to interrupt her and kiss her?

Actually come to think of it do I need to say something before I kiss her?

Why is this so hard!!!??

Kissing a woman was the one thing that was always so confusing to me. It looked so easy on TV and in the movies. Just lean in and kiss her. I only wish it was so simple. So on my journey to understand myself and women I came up with two techniques that I have used over and over to get out of my head and start kissing her.

The important part of kissing is the lead up. You just can’t start kissing a girl out of the blue (well you can but not without really being able to read the situation well). If you are following the Dating Decoded method you know you should have done the following:

• Connect and relate on emotions
• Appreciate her for a character trait
• Make a Statement of Intent based on another character trait
• Understand her Relationship/Social Logistics
• Begin to flirt with something like the “Stop It!” game or other playful teasing if she responds to it (explained in my Dating Decoded Audio Workshop)

If it is all ahead go with the above then it is time to start thinking about kissing her. Here is my two favorite methods for initiating the kiss:

I Can’t.. They’re Watching

I look her deeply in the eyes and confess, “I have been thinking about kissing you for the last twenty minutes, -pause for effect-, but I can’t because the bartender is watching.”

At this point I have to read her a bit. If she seems like what I said is a positive thing or at least she isn’t leaning away or looking very uncomfortable I leave it for a moment for her response. If it is obvious I moved too fast then I just ask a completely unrelated question and keep going. I averted the disastrous rejection. More likely than not though, I have just given her a tool to give me permission to kiss her without being too forward. She will come back with “Really? I don’t think he is watching..”

I lean in to kiss her; right before it happens I pull back and say, “Damn, I just can’t. I think he is watching again.” Grinning a sly grin.

She at this point is racked with anticipation, right as she is about to say something, usually like a stammered “Uh, no.. I REALLY don’t think he is watching..” I lean in and assertively kiss her.

Adapt it to whatever situation you are in. The person watching could be the security guard, the homeless guy, if you are alone in the woods on a hike it could be that you believe big-foot is watching. It really doesn’t matter who is watching as long as it is someone who isn’t really watching.

Shh.. I am kissing you now

This is a technique that you HAVE to exude a confident mindset for. This is an all guts or no glory move but is amazing in its results.

While she is talking to you start staring deep in her eyes and occasionally at her mouth. Reach out and put your finger up to her mouth in a “Shhhh stop talking a moment” gesture. Lean in and kiss her confidently.

After the Kiss lean back and with a sly grin say “There now I can pay attention to what you were saying.”

She will usually stutter a few words and say something to the effect of “uh.. actually I completely forget what I was saying.” Kiss her again.

The biggest difference I have seen in the effect of arrogance thrown in with confidence really depends on the confidence of the woman you are pursuing. We always are attracted to someone more confident than we are. If the women you set your sights on tend to be insecure, the translation of arrogance is often not that different from confidence. The more confident the women you set your sights on, the more easily they will see the insecurity or self delusion of arrogance in your words and actions.

I see it often in my clients that have been using some of the dating advice out there that advocates a “cocky” approach. In an effort to seem more confident they act like the arrogant assholes they had always previously despised. The false confidence comes off as insecurity shielded by arrogance.

The most confident men I have known also happened to be good with women. The two go hand in hand; the interesting thing is that what shows the most confidence is the ability to be ok with our own weakness. Arrogant men try not to show any flaws and flout their positive attributes. Confident men have no problem expressing that they are not perfect yet show no insecurity either.

The key in doing that is when you express a weakness of yours to do it in a confident tone of voice. Communicate through your tone and body language that you are not ashamed of your weakness and you see the positive side of it, or at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. End it on a positive note and don’t be self deprecating. Doing this shows more confidence than any cocky line or attitude.

Also check out an old podcast I did when I worked for Charisma Arts that talks all about how to use a technique called Disqualification to express your weaknesses in a confident way.

On road to true confidence you are bound to make the mistake of being too overtly confident. Even that take it in stride and admit “maybe I’m trying to seem a bit more confident than I am, but you didn’t hear that from me ”

Check out this video to hone this power of listening for good rather than evil:

I recently talked to a woman about texting and dating and she hated getting texts that don’t ask for a specific response. My texting advice has always been make a statement like: “Just had an amazing salsa class, although if i do another spin I’m gonna fall over.” Simple with a bit of personality and energy. She might have felt like “Am I supposed to respond to this?”. Personally I am ok with that. I am not asking her to respond, I am just sharing a bit. If she does cool, and it will lead to a text conversation for a bit. It also puts me in her head if we haven’t talked and we don’t have time for a phone call. If she actually does think too much about whether she should respond or not then at least she is thinking about me Mainly though i use these type of statements when I am trying to keep in touch with more than one person or am between the time i called them the first time and waiting for them to get back to me. If I ask a question over text and she hasn’t even called me back yet, it can come off needy. A statement works better in that case.

So besides statements I think certain questions are OK if at least it is not your first couple texts ever to them. Specifically this is where a closed ended question works well. “Did you end up making it to your Yoga class on time?” “Enjoy your new book?” “Did you ace your test?”

Normally I hate closed ended questions. They kill conversation. However on text they are great; I am not asking them to write a book of a response, just a simple yes or no. The trick is that no one will just write “yes or no”, they will go into a small bit of detail, taking the conversation from there is easy. People don’t answer texts when there is too much needed in return, much like my hated “how are you?” A simple closed ended question asks very little in response so people will usually respond quicker to them.

The secret to answering this question (or any personal question really) is to understand how what you do relates to the person you are talking to. The facts of anyone’s job are pretty boring. A test pilot talking about his 141 point check before flight is going to bore someone to death. It doesn’t matter what you do; if you help someone understand more of the “why” you enjoy it, or explain it in a way they can understand and relate to, it will be interesting to them.

Technique #1 – The Job Effect

Start thinking about how your job relates to her life. In what way does what you do affect her world?

Job: Internet Security Specialist
Effect: Prevents Identity Theft

Her: What do you do?
Me: I battle the evildoers out there that are looking to buy pink Cadillacs with your money.
Her: How do you do that?
Me: I figure out ways to beat hackers at their own game so they don’t steal your identity.
Her: Oh! You are like an internet super hero! That is cool.

Job: Ball Bearing Sales
Effect: Without Bearings Wheels wouldn’t work

Her: What do you do?
Me: Without the product that I sell we would go back to the stone age.
Her: What do you sell?
Me: It’s not the wheel, but I make wheels go faster.
Her: You sell tires? Maybe rims?
Me: Even more important, I sell the ball bearings that are in every wheel on the planet. Just don’t tell my competitors, they may tell you I’m exaggerating just a bit.

Don’t play it out too long or she just won’t care but make it a bit interesting by making her ask a bit more about it. Even something as boring as ball bearings can be made into something interesting. The point is not to try to impress her; it is just to make it so she can relate to the job a bit.

Technique #2 – Why I like what I do
Don’t explain the facts, just tell them about why you enjoy what you do

Job: Accountant

Her: What do you do?
Me: I’m an accountant. The thing I love about my job is that I can make everything make sense. I get to solve problems that I know always have an answer. It’s not always the answer that my clients want to hear but they can never argue with me either. Overall it’s nice because I know that I am doing the best to help people be more effective in their financial lives.

Job: Medical Research

Her: What do you do?
Me: I’m in medical research. I get to spend my time figuring out the secrets to eternal life, ok maybe just a better more healthy life. It is the puzzle that I know no one has ever answered that really keeps me excited about my work. I get to explore the mysteries of what makes us alive and how that happens.

We may love what we do and get excited about it, but we often think others might not see it the same way. When we think about our job, the boring parts are what come to mind first. Instead of explaining your job as a whole including those boring parts, just focus on the positives and what you like about it or why you do it.

Your job doesn’t define you but your attitude towards it can. Be someone who can express their personality even when talking about something you might find boring. Find a way to share in a relatable interesting way and you will stand out from everyone else.

There are two types of situations you should be aware of before starting a conversation, implied social situations and public situations. In implied social situations such as a crowded bar, a party, or other group gatherings you don’t need an opener. People are there to be social and they are aware of the possibility of someone new coming to talk to them. If women weren’t at least open to the possibility of meeting and being approached by someone new they would go to somewhere quieter with less people. In these situations simply approach with a warm confident vibe and introduce yourself. After that ask an open ended question and relate to what she says or answer your own question to keep the conversation going.

In public situations people are in their own heads. Having a stranger talk to them is not that uncommon, however most people avoid those with an agenda. There are lots of people who might talk to you in public. Solicitors, panhandlers, volunteer activists, lost tourists, and even someone asking the time. We avoid conversation with people that have strong agendas like someone trying to sell you something. However it is normal if a casual conversation with a stranger occurs spontaneously. Going up to introduce yourself here would not work because of the obvious agenda to hit on her. This is where a focus opener or a presumption would be used. On a side note for ladies, you can use a focus opener or presumption to start a conversation with a guy in both situations and you won’t come off being too forward.

Focus Opener

The idea behind a focus opener is to start a conversation in a way that is casual and doesn’t have an apparent agenda. Conversations spring up between strangers in public all the time, it is usually started with a question or a comment about the situation at hand. The secret to coming up with a good conversation starter is to understand what the other person is focused on and then ask them an open-ended question about it.

Situation: Bookstore
Focus: Finding a book
Focus Opener: “You look like a well read person, what’s a good book you could recommend?”

Situation: Cooking Store
Focus: Thinking about cooking and cookware
Focus Opener: “What’s on your list of must have cookware?

Situation: Coffee Shop Line
Focus: Thinking about what to order
Focus Opener: “I think it is time for me to try something different, what are you ordering?”

Situation: Art Gallery
Focus: Thinking about a particular painting
Focus Opener: “What’s your take on this one?”

Presumption Opener

This is one of my favorite openers because it is a casual opener that jumps you right into a personal conversation. With a focus opener you have to transition from a platonic conversation about whatever you started with to a more personal conversation about who she is.

A presumption is an open-ended question that presumes something about her.

Situation: Bookstore
Focus: Looking at classic literature
Presumption: She is in university
Opener: “What University do you go to?”

Situation: Art supplies store
Focus: Buying art supplies
Presumption: She is an artist
Opener: “Where is your gallery?”

Situation: History Museum
Focus: Looking intently at an exhibit on military history
Presumption: She is in the military (Falsely to be funny)
Opener: “What war did you serve in?”

Presumptions have a really powerful ability to get you into conversation whether the presumption is correct or not. In fact it is often better to have a wrong presumption. Either you can make it humorous like the last example or they will feel like they have to correct you and explain. In general people don’t want someone to have an incorrect notion about them and will feel compelled to correct it. For us that is a good thing because whoever we are trying to engage in conversation will say more for us to relate to.
The conversation almost starts itself if they are telling me, “I actually don’t have a gallery. I’ve just been painting since high school because I enjoy it.”

The most important thing about starting a new conversation is to ask open-ended questions and answer the question yourself if you get a very short response. If you ask closed ended questions like “Is that a good book?” She may just say “I don’t know”, hand you the book, and walk away. If you do ask a good question and get a very short answer then answer your own question and go back to her with a smaller question.

Me: You look like a well read person, what’s a good book you could recommend?
Her: I don’t know…
Me: Well I’ll give you my quick recommendation then. One of my personal favorites is Life of Pi. I just loved picturing myself in the lifeboat with the tiger imagining if I could outwit him each day just like the main character did. So what is one good book you’ve read recently?
Her: Well the one I read recently was…….

Approaching and starting a conversation with woman can be very nerve-wracking. You will never know exactly what to say in every situation. Remember it is often not about what you say, but how you handle yourself if you say the wrong thing. Just keep going confidently and don’t let it get to you if you stumble over your words. Use the techniques we went over and you will be starting conversations with new women left and right. The first step to better dating success is meeting more women. Get out there and enjoy the adventure of approaching and meeting more women!

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Mike: Tomorrow.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Trent: Yeah.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two’s enough not to look anxious.
Trent: Yeah, two’s enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you…
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.

The classic dilemma, how long do I wait before I call a girl. The two day rule became famous from The Movie Swingers. You don’t want to come off looking too anxious and needy and it seems calling later rather than sooner will do that.

One of the biggest complaints my female clients voice is about guys who wait too long to call. This is an example of what goes through their heads:

Night of: He was really cool; I liked him. I really hope he calls.
Next Day: It would be really fun to go out with him, hopefully he calls today or tomorrow
Second Day: Well he still hasn’t called, I really hope he is not the kind of guy who tries to wait two or three days so he won’t seem needy. I’ll still go out with him if he calls but this game is pretty lame.
Third Day: What an idiot, I can’t believe he didn’t call me. If he calls I might even just ignore it.
Fourth Day: What an ass, I hope I never run into him again.

If she likes you she wants to hear from you; call her the next day. If I am absolutely too busy to call the next day I usually send a text to say “It was cool meeting you last night, This weekend is a bit crazy I’ll give you a call on Sunday.” By doing that you short-circuit the thought process she goes through from Yay to Nay.

It is amazing to me how much my feelings for a woman changes throughout the week depending on how much or little we talk. I recently met a woman on Friday and after spending the night with her and much of the day Saturday, her five texts in a row on Sunday made me feel like I needed a bit more distance. As the week went on I think she sensed something and she only texted me twice during the week and didn’t return one of my calls. By the end of the week I was wondering if I screwed up and she didn’t like me anymore and was really hoping to see her or talk to her soon. A small text from her at this point had me jumping to call her and make plans. The same happens for women.

My simple rule is don’t send more than two unanswered texts in a day. If I don’t get a response I wait one full day with no contact and then try another text or phone call. If she enjoys having a text conversation with you go ahead and have fun with it. I just never send more than two texts in a day that she hasn’t replied to, and generally just send one.

You don’t have to play games with phone calls and texting; just don’t go overboard. Call if you want to call, text if you want to text. The only time you will come off needy is if you keep calling or texting if she hasn’t responded.

For more discussion from getting the number to the next step check out: How Many Times Should I Call a Girl?

I remember when a girl asked me how is Bio-Diesel made when I told her I use it in my car. I think I went on for close to fifteen minutes explaining from start to finish the process from turning vegetable oil into Bio-Diesel. She finally stopped me and teased me pretty hard for it. Your date may not find it as endearing.

2 ) Being Condescending

Just because we know a lot about a lot of things never gives us the right to make someone feel stupid. Sometimes simply just taking a moment to ask “How familiar are you with it?” before explaining it as if they were five years old will allow you to save face.

3 ) Know-it-all/always being right

It is hard being smarter than everyone around us (at least we think we are). As soon as I learned to try to see someone else’s point of view fully before explaining my opinion it was a lot more comfortable to be around me. Try to see someone else’s side of things first and relate to it.

4 ) Fashion – Tennis shoes all the time

If you are the guy who wears white tennis shoes in every situation, it is time to go shopping. Buy yourself some nicer shoes for work or casual social events. You don’t have to go crazy but even some more trendy sneakers will go a long way. Sketchers make lots of inexpensive shoes that are as comfortable as tennis shoes but are a little bit more fashionable. You could even branch out and try some more fashionable going out shoes or boots. Just make sure they aren’t too out there if that is not your personality. Women do notice shoes.

5 ) Fashion – Wearing clothes that don’t fit

It is time to stop dressing like the clothes were hand-me-downs. Oversize shirts do not hide your gut or your lack of biceps. The shoulder seam of your shirts should be within an inch of the corner of your shoulder, not down on your arm. Pants should not be baggy; while they shouldn’t be skin tight they should fit well without being too constrictive. Ask a sales woman to help you find sizes that fit and try going too small and too big to understand what the right fit is.

6 ) Fashion – Out of date clothes

Wearing a t-shirt or sweatshirt that was your parting gift from high school is not a statement of loyalty; it’s a statement that you are too lazy to buy new clothes once in a while. Retire your clothes if they are out of date. I usually try to not wear clothes longer than one to two years and sometimes three if I don’t wear them that often. Subtle changes over a few years actually show up and while people may not point it out, it makes you look dated.

7 ) Texting or emailing while talking

I have a bad habit of surfing the web when talking to friends and even women. If you are having a conversation, put down the game, the phone, the email, etc. Pay attention and be in the conversation

8 ) Being defensive when teased

Roll with the punches. Learn a bit of Disqualification and stop defending yourself, they are only teasing.

9 ) Asking for feedback on a date

This is a big one. Don’t ever ask how you are doing on a date. Don’t ask whether she likes you or not or if she is having fun. Nothing shows more insecurity then checking in frequently on a date. Have fun and enjoy your time together. If she is not into you, or not having fun, that is her responsibility to end the date or tell you. It only makes it awkward for you to ask. If she says no, what are you going to do about it? Getting to the second date will tell you more than any answer she gives you.

10 ) Self Deprecating

Comedians are great at self deprecating humor. Leave it for them to do or learn to use Disqualification. While you shouldn’t be bragging, conversely don’t put yourself down. It shows a lot of insecurity. I mean honestly when a woman tells me she is fat, I almost want to smack her. It is like fishing for a compliment, I don’t want to pander to her insecurities. You shouldn’t make women feel that way either by putting yourself down.

If you are interested please email me at dan@charismatips.com

With the following info:

Name:
Age:
Gender:
Occupation:
Location:

Survey for Guys is complete: Thank you for all your responses and help! I am still accepting female surveys so please encourage any women you know who are single to contact me! Actually whether I am doing a survey or not I’d still encourage that Seriously though, if you are interested in coaching or help of any kind I am still doing a free 20min phone consult to explore how I can best set up a program to help you.

In many respects I have hit a wall. I feel very much like when I originally started looking for dating advice, unfulfilled and accepting that I didn’t have the skills to succeed. This is far different from failing to me. The moment I realize I need help is when I make the most progress. I swear though, my damn ego thinking I can do anything and I don’t need help is what always slows me down. So here is an outline of a thought progression I have that is applicable to any situation:

Goal: Create a financially successful business where I can positively impact the lives of others or this planet in general.

Assets: Strong teaching skills, Good speaking presence, Articulate, Experience in many different fields.

Hindrances: Large Ego, Unwilling to ask for help, Cheap, Lack of financial resources, Laziness, Overloaded with conflicting information, Little to no marketing experience

Problem: Slow business growth

Solution Brainstorming:

Hire a marketing person.
Pros: They do the work for me.
Cons: Expensive and hard to find someone who has a proven track record of success with my industry

Hire a Life Coach.
Pros: Affordable, Will keep me motivated, good for brainstorming, Will keep me accountable for progress.
Cons: Limited Marketing Experience,

Find someone with a successful business similar to mine and inquire about mentorship
Pros: Learn from someone experienced and is successful
Cons: They may not know how to help me become a success or be able to explain teach it. Hard to find

Join a group of other entrepreneurs to brainstorm solutions
Pros: Free or low cost. Easy to find in San Francisco (meetup.com)
Cons: Possibility of being overwhelmed by ideas and directions

What do all the solutions have in common:

Ask for help.

My next step I believe is going to be hiring a consultant to help me achieve my goals as well as get involved in the online entrepreneur community. Also as I learn what mistakes I made and am making I need to learn to ask for help when I need it. So first I’d like to ask you my loyal clients and readers for help. Please help me by answering these quick questions in a comment

1. What are your goals with dating?
2. What products or services would you like to see Charisma Coaching Offer? (paid or free)
3. What other dating websites/blogs do you read?
4. What do you think I could do or not do to reach more people?

So what do you need help with? Try using my outline to go through the process to help you figure out what you need. Maybe that will be just getting a group together to motivate you to do what you already know you should be doing. Or possibly you are ready to receive some help from someone who can help you just as I decided to get help. If I can help you be that person you want to be and achieve your goals go check out the services I offer.

Flirting is fun, daring, and can be cultivated into an art form. How many times have you spotted someone across the room and felt like a magnet is drawing you to them? They catch your eye, peak your interest and when you try to get their attention and they give it to you, there is that Zing! feeling that rushes through you. The excitement, the newness, the possibility that exists as that moment! There is nothing quite like it.

Flirting serves more than one purpose. The first is obvious-it allows you to show someone you are interested. It also tells us if the interest is reciprocated. It can be a prelude to a courtship or something more casual like a sexual encounter. It can also be done as a form of entertainment, or just for fun. This, unfortunately can lead to hurt feelings on the other person’s part as they may be taking it seriously and not be aware that it is all just being done in fun. However what a lot of people don’t realize is that flirting, whether you are the flirter or the flirtee, can really boost your self confidence. We feel good about ourselves when someone flirts with us because we know someone finds us attractive. And when we flirt successfully and get the message across to someone we are interested in it can feel like hitting a home run at the World Series. Sadly, once we get into a relationship, flirting with our partner is often the first thing to go.

Sometimes, when I am out at a bar, restaurant or other public venue I like to sit back and people watch. I find this fascinating. As a sexuality educator I find one of the most interesting experiments is to watch the interactions between people in these situations. In short, watch them flirt! Next time you are in a bar take a look around and watch the body language and behavior of others. If you pay attention you can tell who is interested in whom, and how successful their efforts are. If you pay close attention you can spot people who want to flirt but can’t quite get up the nerve and the people whose flirting skills leave something to be desired.

Indeed, flirting is s skill that comes harder to some. When that person is you, it can be intimidating to watch others flirt with someone, often the same person you desire, with such ease. They seem like a natural.

The flip side of this, of course, is also knowing when someone is flirting with us. Sometimes we are in our own orbit and completely oblivious. Sometimes we don’t pick up in the signals. Sometimes we may think someone is flirting with us but are just not quite sure.

So, in the next few articles I write, we are going to take a serious look at flirting. How it is done by men and women. Are there differences between the genders? Can you tell when someone is flirting with you? How?

Stay tuned and see…..

The guys and girls after a while of being on the site started to all blend together, fading into the void of mediocrity. When a good profile did pop up, getting a response was never a sure thing. The superficiality of picking dates was like online shoe shopping, too much choice, everyone seemed the same after a while, and of course those perfect shoes are always out of stock.

Success is all about putting your best face forward while differentiating yourself from the crowd of faces.

Part 1 – Photos

A friend of mine once told me she made sure she put pictures up that represented her in a variety of looks, so that no one would be surprised when they met her. She didn’t want to put up only her best shots. While I applaud her sense of honesty, people online have a “Next!” mentality. Any little thing will cause someone to delete your email or pass over your profile. Putting yourself forward both good and bad is great in person, and in fact makes you more attractive. Putting up your faults, or non-flattering pictures online is a recipe for failure. The idea is to get them to meet you, and then you have a chance to find out who that person is and vice versa.

The most successful online daters are people with good photos. If you are serious enough to try online dating, be serious enough to go take some professional photos. Don’t do glamour shots, have the photographer take photos that may be candid, or less posed. By having a professional do it, the photos will be much more flattering. Black and white close-ups are a very flattering shot to add among your other photos as well.

Try adding some photos of you in your travels or doing sports to show your active and adventurous side. These should be flattering but usually are easier to take yourself or pick from your photo collection because they often aren’t close-ups.

Part 2 – Profile

I am fun, optimistic, adventurous, down-to-earth, and love life! Sounds like the perfect person doesn’t it? Well then there are millions of perfect people out there for you because just about every profile online says this same thing in different ways. There is a lot of advice out there on writing a good profile but I want to give you a format to write something actually interesting and different while still presenting who you are.

Start with one of those character traits about you. Instead of just saying you are that, give us an example with a quick anecdote that shows it. Examples:

Adventurous:

I once told a jungle shaman to put two cats in his mouth; I was a bit embarrassed when I realize what I had said in Spanish.

Goofy:

I find that doing a John Travolta dance move in the middle of a busy intersection doesn’t attract as many strange looks as I would have thought. No wonder I like a bad pun so much, at least I get a groan.

Open Minded:

The strangest person I have ever given a hug to was the man who did a handstand for hours upside down with his head on the bottom of a corona bottle in Union Square last year. He was standing up sharing with me his philosophy of the upside down people in a right side up world, with me appreciating the poetry of his slightly insane worldview.

You are an individual, just like everyone else .The key to making a profile is stop TELLING them who you are, and instead SHOW them who you are with examples and experiences. There are tons of adventurous people out there. How do YOU manifest that?

Don’t explain every detail. Leave some mystery; give them something to ask you about. Make it easy for them to email you with questions. There was nothing more frustrating to me than finding a person I liked, then scouring the profile just to figure out a question to ask them. “I am fun, lively, and down to earth” leaves me with only the question “How are you that way?” Unfortunately that is just a little too big of a question for a first email.

Step 3 – Email

I wrote a lot of interesting, witty, funny, insulting, bizarre, emails all in attempts to get responses. In the end I found no one thing got me any more responses than another. In fact the more witty, clever, and humorous I tried to be the more I screwed it up. There are some things I did discover throughout my online dating adventure. One is that the email is a lot less important than the picture and profile. Here are some other insights:

No one likes a form letter. Actually read the profile for a quick question about something they put in there.

Keep the questions in your first email short. I hate close ended questions (yes or no) in real conversations; they shut down conversation instead of stimulate it. The interesting thing is that in an email no one will reply with just a yes or no, and because the question is short and quick it is easy to answer. Start with a quick question like “When you were in Peru did you make it to the Amazon?” They will answer more than a one-word answer yet won’t feel like they have to write a book. If you ask “What was your experience like in Peru?” they may just put your email on hold for when they have more time to reply. Hopefully they find that time.

Keep all your emails short. I like to ask a quick question then relate to it with a very short experience or example of mine. Don’t take up more than a paragraph. Remember the longer the email the more someone will feel like they have to write back to you. Short emails get more response than long emails.

Build relationships in real life, not online or over the phone. The internet is a scary place. Many people recommend taking your time to get to know someone before meeting them in person. While I agree with that, the reality is most of the time you will know in a couple emails or after a phone call. If you want to be really safe set something up over email and don’t give out your number. You can also get theirs and call using *67 to block your number. Don’t be afraid to move to coffee at a public coffee shop after a few emails. In fact it can be a huge waste of your time to build a relationship over email or phone. I rarely meet someone who is the same in person as they are online, over the phone, or in email. Sometimes that is a good thing, other times I found I got too wrapped up liking the person only to find that in person we had no chemistry. I always tried for two or three emails from me then suggesting we meet for coffee.

Good luck with your online dating adventures. Be safe and don’t take any of it too seriously. I found that the people I was most excited to meet often didn’t measure up and often I was surprised that I liked some more than I would have thought. However online dating is a numbers game even more so than meeting people in real life. Don’t get too attached to getting a reply or date from any one person. If you keep that in mind and realize that it can be very empowering to have more dates than you have time for, online dating can be a very rewarding experience. You never know who you might just meet!

Despite an inward look into myself I have been exploring and experimenting with online dating as a learning experience. A post will soon be coming on my techniques and experiences. One girl I met online is keeping my attention but is giving me a lot to think about. I don’t think I have ever progressed so slow, yet I feel I am taking the right track with her. The title of her profile was “Friends First?” so I already knew there was likely something holding her back a bit. On our first date I found out she was separated from her husband of 8 years. She was a little scared of my reaction to that but honestly I don’t think of that as anything to worry about in the slightest. However one thing I do realize is that this girl has absolutely zero dating experience. She is pretty shy when it comes to dating and doesn’t drink nor do the bar/club scene. In fact to give you a better picture of the situation after our first date (set up over email), when I asked for her number she was extremely reluctant to give it to me.

I am enjoying dating her though. She has what I look for in a woman, an adventurous side, intelligent, and passionate about life. I think in this case moving slowly is the best option, I’m definitely not worried about her losing interest due to me escalating too slowly as happens with women with more dating experience. Not to mention it is fun dating someone where the normal roadmap doesn’t really apply. I am enjoying having the experience not “going forward on schedule”.

One thing that occurred to me last night as I was talking about re-centering my own life now is I want to create a 30 day “Do something that scares you everyday!” action plan. I am going to try to create a 30day plan that anyone anywhere can do that will have something scary to try each day. I’m not sure it will work for everyone as people are scared of different things but I want to create something nonetheless. So please post your ideas in the comments section. For example one thing I want to include that is from The Four Hour Work Week. Go to a public place and lay down on the floor on your back for thirty seconds. Then get up and continue about your business. Don’t explain unless you have to, and say it’s a social experiment. So what ideas do you have? If I get this made I’ll make it as a 30 day subscription course.

The last few months of my life have been rocky.. From my split with Charisma Arts to starting this new venture has had some interesting ups and downs. I feel a little like a manic depressive, I had days where I work 14 hours straight on developing Charisma Coaching, and I have had days where I have sat on the couch and done nothing but play video games and watch movies while drowning my blues in alcohol. Being unemployed has had an interesting effect on my self image and happiness as well. When I am getting phone coaching and private clients I am on top of the world. Sitting in an empty room hoping people show up to my talks has driven me to drink on more than one occasion. The main thing that I have stumbled upon this morning with the help of my dear friend Jonah, is that I have been going about this all wrong.

I love teaching men and women how to flirt, date, and communicate. In learning it myself it opened up the doors to a huge amount of success in my life. I realized that communicating better improved my relationships, my sex life, my work life, and generally made me so much happier. However I realize inside of me there is this shame. I was ashamed of what I did for a living when I was working with Charisma Arts. I loved the teaching and changing peoples lives. I openly told people what I did for a living and was proud of it. What I was ashamed of is what people thought when they went to the website and saw all over it “Succeed with women”, “Be Amazing with Women!”, “Learn the art of Seduction!”. It made me cringe to think people saw me as an instructor of that.

My shame in that is what shaped my vision of my current venture. The problem is that I became too generalized in an attempt to legitimize what I teach. Everyone can use what I teach but it is too difficult to see how it can solve the symptoms of what makes people unhappy. Marketing my workshops has been insanely difficult. I feel like I am selling ice to eskimos. No one thinks like “The reason I am unable to meet the man/woman of my dreams is because I don’t know how to communicate well.” I was selling the cure and forgetting to talk about the symptoms. By being ashamed of coming off as a “Pick Up Artist”, I went in a direction that was a marketing disaster.

Well I still don’t and never will claim I am a “Pick Up Artist”. I am having a new vision of where this company is going to go. I still have a vision to teach communication skills to people for all aspects of their lives, but I realize I need to attack it from a different angle. I am turning my focus back to dating exclusively. The thing that will differentiate me is that I am not going to exclusively just teach men, or just teach women. I am in the market for a vivacious passionate female instructor to co-teach with me and help develop content for Charisma Coaching. If anyone knows of anyone please send them my way. I am going to cut back on workshops and instead focus on this blog more, start doing regular podcasts and develop an audio product and a book. Of course I will still be offering private in-person and phone coaching. Once we get a stronger following and larger market we will open up the workshops again.

So what does that mean to you as a reader? MORE! You are going to get more blog posts, more content, and more podcasts. The name of things may change, but the vision I have is still strong and will slowly evolve. Also I am going to start blogging about my personal life and things about me. I am hoping to bring in more bloggers so there should be a lot more content as well.

Bear with me as these changes are going to be interesting but I think everyone will benefit from being more focused on building my business around good content.

Thanks for reading!

Welcome to the future! For a low price of three thousand payments of $19.95 you can know everything about a person instantly. Simply trade our patented flash drive with any person you meet, insert in the port in the back of your head and have instant knowledge of really who someone is. We even have an online version!

Silly idea I know, but efficient. It takes time to get to know someone and evaluate if you connect with him or her. What if we lived in a world where that was easier and you could get to know people quicker and people could get know you quicker? Welcome to my mission.

When I started out on my path to being better with people and improve my dating life I realized what I needed one night. I was over at a friend’s apartment and there were a couple beautiful women there that were her friends. We only dropped by for about ten minutes. I started a conversation with one of them and almost before we began, it was time to leave. I remember saying goodbye with the sense of lost opportunity when I shut the door behind me. I knew then that if I had only had more time to get to know her and let her see who I really was that we would have hit it off. I now realize it was not more time I needed, but instead to be more efficient in expressing who I was in an attractive way and getting her to open up and reveal herself more.

When I see in someone’s eyes that spark of understanding of who I am, it is incredibly rewarding. I see them understand me and want to share how they are like me as well. That moment comes when I am able to relate to them and be relatable myself. The technique that I use the most to do that is something called “One Moment In Time”.

People don’t relate to the facts. What makes us intriguing and exciting to get to know us is not the travel itinerary, it is the experience in the little jungle hut near the river the moment an enormous iridescent blue butterfly flew by. What we were thinking and experiencing at that moment is what makes us unique from every person who has had the same thing happen. Relating one moment in time to support whatever we are talking about and sharing how we felt and why is what people will relate to.

Take an example from just a few paragraphs up. The moment in time was when I had the experience of talking to the woman and feeling like it was a missed opportunity. If I just told you that “I felt like if I could just get people to spend a bit more time getting to know me then I could be more successful with people”, that alone isn’t as powerful including a moment in time. That moment in time answers a very important question, “Why?” To be more relatable I have to not only share what I was feeling or experience, but also use examples (One Moment In Time) that helps people understand why I was experiencing that or feeling that way. It also helps if we are relating to them so that they can understand why we understand them. Just relating that we felt that way once is just lip service, unless we can explain how.

Getting to know who you are is not about relating enough in a shorter time, instead it is that One Moment In Time that tells more than volumes of facts about you. Try adding more specific examples of why in your statements and you will see people’s reactions change. Your conversations will be more interesting and rewarding; not only as people get to know you better but people also take your lead and start telling you more about themselves in the same way.

Ask and you shall receive

The number one thing anyone can do to get they want is to ask for it. This may sound like really basic advice, but I can’t tell you how often I hear people remark about not getting something. I always say “Well, did you ask?”

“Uhhh, no,” is the usual response. Although this can be surprising for the lucky few who have no problem asking for what they want, for the rest of us it can be an epiphany. I know that I was raised thinking that people who asked for what they wanted were self centered, selfish, and not very considerate of others. I would oftentimes hide my wants and desires, convincing myself I was doing the right thing. How wrong I was!

When I started asking for things I was totally blown away by how often my request was met with a “yes” response. I realized that it is actually in our nature as empathetic human beings to say yes when someone makes a request of us. This is one of the most basic principles of negotiating. Determine what you want and ask for it.

The second part of asking for something is giving a reason why. Homeless people are great at this. Notice the success differential of a homeless person who sits around with a cup asking for change, versus another who comes up to you and says, “I’m really hungry. Can you spare some change so I can get a burrito?”

One of my favorite things to do now is to ask for things just to see what the response of the other person will be. It’s fun. I was buying shoes the other day and they had a very slight scuff on them. I said to the salesgirl, “I really want these shoes, but they are scuffed. What kind of discount could I get on them?” She said, “I can give you 20% off.” I saved $15 bucks just by asking. It’s not just at shoe stores with scuffed shoes where you can ask for discounts. I have a friend who asks for discounts everywhere he goes. In ‘n out Burger, Bed Bath and Beyond and Whole Foods are all negotiation candidates for him. He almost always gets a discount on something.

If you are no good at asking for things try this little exercise over the next week. Every day ask someone for one thing that you would normally not ask for. Ask your friend to buy you lunch, ask your boss for a raise, ask the cute checkout girl for her number, ask your boyfriend how he actually feels, ask a stranger for a favor, and ask for discounts everywhere. Try it. It’s a fun experiment and I guarantee you will be amazed at the results.

Negotiation doesn’t have to be adversarial

One misperception I had about negotiating was that it was always adversarial. The only real reference I used to carry around in my head is being on a car lot feeling uncomfortable as the sales guy applied the full court press. In fact most of the negotiation we do daily is fairly relaxed and good natured. And once I realized this, even the situation with car salesman became fun and entertaining as opposed to stressful.

The other day my buddy Richard was telling me about a real estate transaction in which he had made an offer. The owner came back to him with an offer from another investor. The other offer was a little higher than Richard’s but also more than he wanted to pay. However instead of immediately making a counter offer, Richard did something terribly intelligent. He simply asked the seller “What is the most important thing to you in this deal?” It turned out the seller wanted the most money for his property, but was a lot less concerned about how long it took him to get paid. So my friend revised his offer to reflect a very long term payback for the property. By finding out what was important to the seller, he was able to acquire the property for almost no money up front. By thinking creatively, and finding out what the other party wanted, a win-win situation ensued.

I should mention there are situations that may appear adversarial, such as on the car lot. My advice is to make it into a game. Enjoy the back and forth. Educate yourself on the negotiation tactics of car salesman, and be very clear about what you want. Any salesman worth his muster has a number of negotiation techniques up his sleeve and it is a huge advantage to educate yourself before you begin negotiating with a professional. If you Google something like “How to negotiate with a car salesman” you will find plenty of information with which to arm yourself.

Bonding and relating

The principle of bonding or relating is one of the most important things we can do with other people to get them to do what we want. Bonding works on many different levels. The great thing about relating to another person is that it is way easier than you think. By elucidating a shared experience with another person, they are much more likely to be agreeable to your request.

How do we bond with another person quickly? When I ask most people they think they have to find things that they share in common with another person. While this is true, it does not reflect the whole story. Instead of looking for commonalities in terms of activities, ideas, or political affiliations, do something much more powerful. Identify your emotional commonalities with the person with whom you are bonding. A conversation could go something like this:

Me: So what’s something you do outside of work to re-charge your batteries?

You: Gosh I don’t recharge them nearly enough, but when I do like to go to the park and draw in my sketchbook.

Me: I find it way cool that you use creativity to rejuvenate yourself. I like to re-charge by surfing. Not only is it a creative outlet, but also an adrenaline rush, and a way for me to feel connected with nature. By the way, I’d really like to see your sketches sometime.

You: Wow! Thanks, but I’d be embarrassed to show you because I’m not very good.

Me: Ha, ha. Well if you saw me surf I’d be a pretty embarrassed too. Wanna trade embarrassing stories?

Although you may draw, and I don’t really have an artistic bone in my body, we just connected over a mutually shared emotional experience. Instead of having to talk about drawing which I know nothing about, I chose to talk about the emotions of creative expression, connection to nature, and fun. Just because we do two very different things to achieve those goals doesn’t mean we can’t easily relate to the emotions we are experiencing when we are doing them. By paying attention to the feeling experience the other person is communicating and relating back to that experience we can share an endless chain of commonalities.

Since we have now established a connection, when I ask you for a favor you are ten times more likely to say yes than if all we did was stand around the water cooler and talk about the weather. Even if we are in a hard core business negotiation, the fact that we are face to face, and have established rapport means you are still more likely to give me what I want because of our shared connection. The Harvard Business School web site has some excellent articles and links to research that support my empirical experience. Their web site is here: http://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/1517.html

More stuff

There many more ideas, strategies and frameworks in regards to negotiation that I did not mention here. I wanted to give you at least a basic framework with some general ideas on getting what you want through negotiation. I recommend trying to incorporate some of the things I outlined above on a daily basis. There are tons of negotiation books out there as well. I especially recommend those by Roger Dawson. When you take a course with us, many of these topics will be covered and we will give you lots more information and practice on rapport building and getting things you want through skillful negotiation and communication.

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I have to admit I’ve been that guy who doesn’t call after getting your number. It really wasn’t anything personal. There was nothing you did wrong; in fact likely it was my fault. We had a fun time talking. After a day or so I thought about calling, I honestly did, but I just wasn’t excited about it enough. In the moment we were having fun and I figured more of that in the future would be good so I should get your number. A day or two later all I really had in my mind about our connection was that we had fun. I’d probably have more fun calling up a buddy or maybe trying to meet someone that I had more of a connection with.

There are a lot of reasons why guys flake, from just getting the number because they wanted to see if they could, finding another woman they like more, to just being busy and it would feel weird to call since too much time has passed. It is going to happen to everyone, but there are some things you can do to try to minimize it.

One of the most important things I feel when I meet a woman I plan on calling is that I find something interesting about her. We have either a common interest, or I find that person intriguing. Our interaction went beyond flirting and fun and a deeper connection was made. In our workshops we spend a lot of time working with people to relate with anyone about anything. Forming that connection so he knows you two have things in common and leaving him with a feeling that you are interesting and intriguing is the main goal.

Having a good sense of who you are and answering questions in a way that reveals a bit more about you will go a long way. Also don’t forget to find out what is interesting about them. It is very attractive to us when someone takes an interest in who we are. Playing coy or mysterious is fine when we are trying to guess whether you are attracted to us. If you are trying too hard to be mysterious about who you are, physical attraction becomes one of the only motivating factor for us to call you.

Be interesting, be interested, and be intriguing. If you accomplish those goals when talking to a guy they will likely go home thinking when they should call you, not if.

The idea of finding someone that I can admire has been in my mind a lot lately. I want someone who will impress me and I can be excited to share in their passions and their growth. My honest fear is that if I find that person will I be someone who they can admire? Telling myself that I already am, and being confident in my achievements and my self-actualization is of course what I do, but my path of self-improvement is a never-ending task. The question is, are YOU someone who you can admire?

Being good with people and having charisma can be taught in a simple weekend workshop and some good ongoing motivation and guidance. I see it every weekend in the graduates of our courses. However I often see people plateau on their journey. Their technical conversation and people skills are good, their motivation for improvement is good, but something is still missing. Being admirable.

Here are some ideas for developing an admirable life and personality:

Try something new each week.

Drop in on a yoga class, cook something you have never made before, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or walk around saying “Hi!” out loud to people you pass on the street. New experiences shape the people we are; it even shapes the neural pathways in our brains to think differently. Being successful at new things that you try will also build an immense amount of confidence. Success breeds confidence and confidence breeds success. This is a cycle you can create by having small successes throughout your life.

Manifest Positivity

Studies show that a positive mindset has a significant effect on health and well-being. We all have rough times and negative things that happen to us all the time. Those with positive attitudes don’t deny that there are bad things; they just choose to focus on what will get them where they are going rather than dwell on what will keep them stagnant. Try first just identifying thoughts and actions that are negative and that you want to change. From gossiping about people to restructuring your negative thoughts about yourself; first identify the negative, then choose to re-write the thought or action into a positive. For example, if I am in a bad mood and start saying I’ll never be successful, I turn it around and say in my head, “No, I choose the positive. I will be successful in getting what I really NEED in life.” Just taking a moment to identify and re-write thoughts or actions that are negative will have a huge impact on how you view the world. In turn no one will call you Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer behind your back anymore.

Declare who you are and what you want.

Read the post called Confidence and Conversation Exercises and spend some time trying to answer some of the questions. Many of the questions there are meant to make you see where in your life you may want to work on. The idea is to sit down and go on a date with yourself. What would be the things that you would want someone to try to find out about you? How are you interesting and admirable? I know for me a major strike against a woman is when I ask her what she does for fun and she says, “I like to hang out with friends, go shopping, you know, the usual stuff.” Especially the shopping comment, that is like male-kryptonite. Talk about style and fashion sure, but not shopping. We just see money symbols in your eyes when you look at us.

Develop a good social circle.

Ups and downs are part of life. No matter how positive and confident you are, no matter how many exciting fun new things you add to your life, it is supportive friends and family that help us through our tough times. Looking for supportive friends is a skill in and of itself. Start with never turning down and invitation and start inviting people to all those new things you yourself are trying. Also check out a post called Building a Social Circle

Be someone you find admirable and people will not be able to help falling in love with you. Not to mention you just might meet some people who read this blog that are doing the same thing, ok well at least people who are trying to be admirable in their own way too. Be the person you want to date and you will draw the same kind of people to you.

There are two common ways we put too much pressure on other people in romantic situations. The qualifications we put on someone and the situation we create. A broader topic that also adds pressure that I will likely go into in another blog is neediness and acting like there is more to the relationship too quickly.

“A man has to be ok with cats” or “Being ok with me riding my motorcycle is a must.” These statements are deal breaker statements. These are good to put out there really early. Whether it is about kids, lifestyle needs, or even personality traits, saying up front what you’re not ok with is a good thing. If someone isn’t ok with it you should know that soon. “I want a man who is really funny who always has me laughing” or “I want a woman who has a natural beauty that she just wakes up looking good”. These are statements that put a lot of pressure on someone. If you really want something like that keep it to yourself and if they are not that then find someone else. By voicing your qualifications you create a pedestal for that person. They will be worried whether they can even make it onto your pedestal, and if they do, when will they fall off of it. In our workshops we talk about how disqualification can help you avoid the problem of qualification altogether.

The situation we put people in can also be a tremendous source of pressure. Understanding all the ways we set up people to feel pressured can be a very difficult thing to understand and correct. Identifying common situations first is the key. Let’s take the common example of the dinner date. This situation puts way too much pressure on both people, especially for the first date. The man is often expected to choose the restaurant, which will likely reflect on his financial situation. If the date is in an unfamiliar place, then the pressure increases choosing a restaurant neither may be familiar with. If he picks one where he goes often, she is left wondering if he takes all his dates there. A woman has to very carefully choose what she will wear hoping it will be appropriate to the classiness of the restaurant. Also her outfit should not reflect poorly on her date, either by being overdressed in relation to, or be risqué. Of course with all of that she wants to still look beautiful and attractive. Of course then who is expected to pay? Is going Dutch ok these days? If he does pay and it’s on a first date, what does he expect in return? With this being the stereotypical first date it is no wonder people have dating problems. Meeting for coffee or drinks for a first date is much more of a low-pressure situation. Dinner can come later when you both feel more comfortable around each other.

Think about what qualifications you voice to other people and what situations you get into that put pressure on yourself and others. There is a pressure relief valve in any situation; the challenge is to find it!

I sometimes wonder what dating was like back in the early part of the century. It seems to me that there were so many rules and social guidelines back then that if nothing else, at least men and women knew how things should progress. In current times dating has become much more unencumbered by the social restrictions we once followed. The problem with this is that it creates ambiguity in what our roles are as men and women. More and more women are beginning to initiate in dating situations and showing their independence. Men on the other hand are learning to be much more in touch with feminine side and their way of dealing with women. The problem that I see is men are now losing their masculinity while trying to be appropriate in regards to women’s independence.

Regain your masculinity. The first way to do that is stop asking permission to want what you want and to pursue what you want. Leave room for taking a step backwards and understanding when you shouldn’t go further (once you’ve failed to push forward a few times). Be a man though! Stop waiting for PERMISSION to go forward. This applies to approaching, escalating, even in your own life and work. Admiral Grace Hopper said, “It is better to ask forgiveness than permission.”

When I look for an indicator of interest or if someone likes me in some way, I am entering the frame of mind that I am seeking permission for what I want. I try to step back at that moment and push forward regardless. This doesn’t apply to un-calibrated escalation. In the our method we give a framework of how you get from one point in the interaction to the next; none of it relies on signals from her though. The only signal that should matter when escalating an interaction is when someone is visibly and undeniably pulling back or exiting the interaction. Women will rarely tell you go ahead, but it is their responsibility to tell you when your advances are unwelcome.

Learn your role as a man, lead. Get out of the mindset of looking for a sign if you are on the right track. You are on the right track until you get your eviction notice. Sorry that’s just how we have to be, get used to it.

I see him hesitantly approach and start the story. He makes the standard excuse most use when I bid them on this difficult mission, “My friend is daring me to tell this story.” However he continues to tell the story in a way that honestly can only be called endearing, at least if the content wasn’t about his accidental colon leakage. The most amazing thing is she actually laughs and cringes in empathy instead of revulsion. The conversation continued. In fact he got her number and even made it to a fun flirty conversation that lasted the remainder of the evening.

Making him go in and talk to a complete stranger, a woman at that, without anything but who he was at his most basic raw human flawed self was my goal. It is what I call a naked opener; simply put, a conversational opener that puts who we are out first. The effectiveness of this is dramatic. With all the games people play in meeting new people and dating, meeting a real genuine person who is honest and raw with whom they are is refreshing and attractive. Continuing on I will give you ten conversational openers that will allow you to open with your naked self.

Bar or social event openers
• “Hi, my name is ____________. What is yours?”
• “I haven’t met you yet. What’s your name?”
• “So I hear it is really hard for guys to approach a girl they are attracted to. I thought I’d try it out. Hmmmm [confident pause] guess it’s not so bad. “
• “You know there is something about you that made me come over and talk to you. I’d like to figure out what that is.”
• “So what is your group’s mission tonight? Ours is to avoid just talking to ourselves all night and meet some new people.”

These are openers to use in situations where socialization are implied, cocktail parties, at the bar, house parties, etc. Usually I follow them up with asking for their name or introducing myself

Daily life openers
• Talk as loudly and energetically as you can without yelling to a friend walking down the street and anyone beside you that looks at you include in your conversation.
• Ask for a recommendation while standing in line, and then give yours.
• “What’s your favorite one? Why that one?” standing next to someone browsing.
• “Ok, you’ve got the job. I just hired you as my ________ consultant and I need your help, this is what I’m looking for (or to do).” Use when shopping for clothes, food, a gift, etc and insert the word culinary, fashion, gift, etc into the blank. Keep the second part very general so they can easily help.
• “You look interesting, I had to come up and talk to you, but I’m shy [confident grin]. What’s your name_______?” [Credit Wayne Elise]

These daily life openers are better used when meeting people as you live your normal life walking around in an environment where socialization is not always implied.

The point of a conversational opener is to start a conversation; all of these and more work. These openers can also fail miserably. It is actually not the opener that matters it is the confident vibe that matters most. When a person sees you approach them, they have to immediately assess how much work it will be to have a conversation with you. If your energy is confident and you put yourself out there a bit, they can relax and not feel like the conversation will be on them to uphold.

These openers also let you be whom you are, your true naked personality portrayed. That confidence in being yourself supersedes any false confidence that comes from a memorized witty opener that has nothing to do with who you are.

I’ve struggled a lot over my life with this and its effect on my social interactions. I still struggle with it. However over the last year of being an instructor I found that I started doing a lot of disqualification and it had an interesting effect on my tolerance of other people and ideas. Always practicing seeing an opposite point of view so that I could disqualify gave me the skills to start being a much less overbearing personality yet still retaining my confidence.

There becomes a choice of paths to go down when you encounter an opposing idea. You can agree with it, however if you truly disagree then you are being false and will come off weak if you are always doing that. Another option is that you can disagree and assert your opinion (which you obviously feel is correct and superior). Of course the trouble with this is that it causes a conflict. It really doesn’t matter who is right; if you are dominant in explaining or debating, the other person will feel defensive, and if proven wrong may even feel anger, and be indignant. Neither choice leaves both people feeling good.

Another option is available. People want to be heard and acknowledged no matter the validity of their words. Sometimes it is more important than even being right. I try to verbalize that I understand and hear someone’s point of view before I assert my own. Then I put my opinion in a non-contradictory way. I can also proactively do this by stating my opinions and always put out an example of when I have been wrong as well.

Some Examples.

Them: I like Hitler
Me: I can totally see your point of view; he most certainly was an incredibly charismatic riveting leader that united his people. Although I disagree with his tactics I can see why you feel that way.

Them: I like to tease midgets and disabled people
Me: I have to admit I’ve definitely giggled a bit when that little guy with a hat full of nachos walked around when I was in Mexico. Of course I try not to because I realize they are people too, but I definitely understand where you are coming from.

Me: Personally I just can’t stand when people are so intolerant of other people. I have to admit I am completely intolerant to intolerance [playful grin]. I mean I always try to see people as who they are and not judge them, however sometimes I do jump to making presumptions about people as once in a while.

These examples are drastic. However I did have an experience where I was really interested in a girl and then all of a sudden she says about an overweight woman walking by, “Whoa, look at that whale!”

I let slip “That’s awful!” Recovering I followed with, “But I definitely have thought the same thing at times.” This immediately showed me this is not the kind of woman I want to be with, however I didn’t want to make her feel bad for her comments. I just changed the subject at that point and moved on. Suffice it to say I didn’t call her though.

It is not my place to change someone else. For those of you who have read my articles The art of not qualifying and To Qualify, or not to Qualify; DQ is the Question, understand I want someone to feel so comfortable around me they show their true nature instead of what they think I want to see.

If I take their point of view I am not necessarily agreeing with it, I am only validating that that is indeed their point of view and I hear it. I can state my point of view and be heard much better when they don’t feel defensive or in conflict with mine. Learning disqualification allowed me to learn to be a lot more tolerant of all people and ideas, although sometimes I am still an overbearing tyrant in a conversation

When a woman is too available I have to admit I wonder what is wrong with her. Of course all in balance; if it takes two weeks of calling you to set our next date, then I have better things to do. What I often see with my female clients and friends is it is not that they have such a free schedule; it is that they often drop things to accommodate a guy. You of course want to see that new guy you just met, but if he thinks his time is more valuable than yours, he will feel he has the upper hand. When you are often available when he calls, wants to ask you out, or drops by, it clearly communicates his chase is over.

This has been known for a long time, in books like “The Rules”, she actually suggests staying home on a Saturday night rather than take a date for that night after Thursday. Or worse yet NEVER call a man back and make him call you. Yes, I suppose this does create the same air of un-attainability. It is also a real recipe for you having a pity party alone on a Saturday night.

If you are free, then fine, be free and go out last minute with someone. However, try to start filling your life with things you enjoy, not only will it make you more un-attainable, it will also make you happier and more confident. Also don’t put off things you have to do or want to do. Nothing sends a message to a guy faster that he is not your top priority, than you not being available because you are going to go work out, or even do your laundry instead of going out with him. He will try to find some compromise, instead of giving in, tell him a night you are available. If he can’t make it that night tell him to call you next week or when something in his schedule opens up. He should be working around your schedule not the other way around

Don’t create situations just so you can have an excuse to be busy. That is playing games; actually be busy and fill your life with things you enjoy as well as not compromising on your schedule too much. There is nothing more attractive to me than a confident woman who would rather sit home and read a good book by herself instead of always being at my beckon call. Please don’t take this too far though, make time for other people in your life, just don’t be so quick to compromise your schedule.

There is a saying that the most important tool in negotiation is the ability to actually walk away from it. If you have given him ample opportunity, made small sacrifices in your schedule to see him, that is enough. Make him do the rest.

One of my most important dating mantras for women is Be busy, don’t act busy.

On this blog you can see I have had a long history of writing articles for guys, now it is your turn. Recently I held a focus group and brought three women through my methods and learned a lot from them as well. I have to say I am amazed at their success. Whether they see all the changes or not, I see that they are stronger and more confident in the world of dating and are on the right path to meeting the kind of guys they want.

My first tip is start dating like a guy! Yes that means date more than one guy at a time. Resist that urge to bond with the first decent guy you meet. I know it is difficult, in fact you have severe hormonal response to overcome when doing so. However if what you want is to meet quality guys who will treat you right, with respect, and admiration, settling is not the answer.

Guys like a chase; we like a challenge. However, that is not the only reason to date more than one person at a time. Let’s look at the advantages of always dating a couple people at a time.

Reason 1) Creates the air of un-attainability.

How many times have you heard that if a guy gets to sleep with you too quickly he won’t want to date you? In fact that isn’t quite true. It is in fact that women often surrender their choice and give in when they end up sleeping with a guy. I am not saying you have to sleep with lots of guys at once but even if one of the guys you are dating you end up sleeping with, continuing to date after that also says to him he doesn’t have you yet. Also a guy who knows you are dating other guys sees you more of a challenge. As long as you let him know he is still in the running he will feel a bit competitive and work for your affection.

Reason 2) Reminds you that you are attractive and desirable.

So many women date one guy at a time and after breaking up feel alone and undesirable. If you are dating more than one guy at a time, even some that you aren’t necessarily into, it reminds you very strongly that there are an abundance of men out there who want to date you and you have choice!

Reason 3) Makes it easier to not fall into habits that aren’t good for you.

We all find that comfort of being with our Ex’s very desirable. Also having a relationship feels better than having none. This keeps us with people who aren’t good for our confidence or our lives. When you date other people it always gives you an excuse not to spend time with people who shouldn’t be in your life anymore. When we have more choices it is easier to choose the choices that serve us best.

There are a lot of great reasons to date more than one person at a time. I’m not saying you have to sleep with any of them or should sleep with more than one guy, however just dating a few guys at once really announces to the world and reaffirms it to you that you have choice, are desirable, and have an abundance of men that want to be with you. Dating one guy at a time is fine, but if the whole goal is to find a really special person you want to be with dating more than one person at a time is a very efficient way to do it. Remember dating is sorting, the faster you sort through the people don’t want the sooner you will find the guy who will really make you happy

Creating connections and starting relationships is tricky. That is why I have a job. However I’ll tell you something that comes up over and over is just how confusing breaking up is. I sometimes feel like I give men and women a loaded gun, that power is compelling and entices people to really seize confidence they never had. However actually pulling the trigger and ending things is another skill entirely. As harsh as this metaphor is, the reality is just as severe. When we deal with human emotions the danger of serious harm and damage is entirely possible and even probable.

Those who know me personally often get to meet my ex-girlfriend and my best friend, Emma. Very frequently I get asked how we were able to break up and remain friends. This article is all about how to break up reducing the pain and resentment while being honest and unapologetic.

Guideline 1 – Only give emotional reasons for the breakup; don’t blame anyone.

Many people break up because a mix of logical and emotional reasons. Emotion and logic don’t always coincide. I realize I would often feel like I didn’t want to be in a relationship long before I could logically explain the reasons why. When breaking up I used to tell that person all the reasons why they were not suited for me. This caused a lot of hurt and resentment, and worse yet six months after, those very reasons I gave for ending it I realized were only excuses. Often those reasons were not representative of the real problems. The real problem was I wasn’t feeling it and I couldn’t explain why so I just brought up the petty things.

In my most recent breakup with Emma, which you can hear about on the podcast, I was very careful not to blame her for anything. It was my feelings that changed; she is an amazing woman and most who meet us are compelled to ask us why we ever broke up. The simple fact is my feelings stopped progressing along romantic lines for her. I can and have thought up tons of things about her personality or actions that made me feel this way but under honest scrutiny none of them hold water. If I were to tell her the specific reasons why I broke up with her then and now, it would seem as if I was breaking up with two different women. So I focused on how I was feeling instead.

“I need to talk about how I have been feeling lately. Recently I realize my feelings for you aren’t progressing anymore. I am honestly fairly confused about how I am feeling. In my mind there are specific reasons why I am feeling this way but I know it is only poor attempts to rationalize my emotions. I really care about you however my emotions right now are very confusing. However, I do feel that right now I need our situation to change.”

The above is an example of how I approach the subject of breaking up. I do my very best not to give specifics as to any flaws in the other person because that will cause resentment, hurt, and defensiveness. I try to phrase everything in the “I” perspective and keep the conversation centered around how I am feeling.

Guideline 2 – Stick to your guns and don’t go back on what you want.

Often after breaking up with someone we are close to, there are still strong feelings of wanting to be around him or her and have that familiar comfort. This is where real hurt can be imbued. I have had the opportunity to be friends with a lot of my ex’s, and when I have been really clear with where I am at and don’t give mixed signals, it works out well. Have I ever fallen back into intimacy with ex’s, yes. The important thing though is that I am very honest and straightforward. I cannot initiate intimacy if I am the one who breaks it off. They have to do that. If I am ok with having a casual relationship with an ex I am very clear with where I am so there is no confusion.

Recently I asked specifically “Why would you want to keep being intimate with someone where there is no chance of a relationship progressing.” This stated very clearly that if we were going to be intimate again it did not mean that I wanted a relationship and there is no chance of me changing my mind.

I do have to admit going from a committed to a casual non-committed intimate relationship is not the easiest thing. I don’t recommend it because it really can be very confusing. Not only that I find that when I have done it, it often prevents me from going out and meeting new people who I do want to pursue a relationship with. I honestly get too comfortable.

In a way this also applies to continuing a simple friendship as well. Actions speak, if you want to be friends but all you do is get together and watch movies and cuddle like you used to this sends a mixed message. If you want to be friends make sure you actually do things friends do together. Go places and do things, avoid just hanging out at first so it is really clear you are not just riding on the comfort and familiarity that was what you got out of the relationship.

Taking time off for a few weeks can also be a good idea. Send a friendly text or email during that time and conclude that period of separation by doing something you both enjoy that doesn’t involve too much conversation. One tip I found I use consciously is that I go do an activity that reminds us we are great friends before having any serious conversation. Recently I went rock climbing with Emma for a couple hours before we had a serious emotional discussion. It sets a great precedent and reminds us that we are friends first, before we discuss heady emotional topics.

Guideline 3 – Remember to always take their feelings into consideration

One of the big mistakes I made was assuming friendships vs relationships were black and white. When we became friends I just assumed that friendship status afforded me all rights reserved for good friends such as joking and sarcastic banter, talking about other women, and treating them differently around the people we both know. I really had to realize that becoming friends has to be a transition. I would make a major effort to bring up these subjects and check in before just assuming things.

Once you make that transition there is a long period of grey area. Don’t talk about other people you might be dating, when you start to, make sure you check in on how they feel about hearing it. Also don’t assume because they say it is ok that it is. Go slowly and be mindful of how your words and actions affect that person. Don’t be afraid to check in!

Guideline 4 – Don’t answer questions that you know will hurt them, and don’t take comments personally.

Another thing that happens during a breakup is that they are going to ask you questions about why and want details. It is almost human nature to be self-masochistic in that situation. I do everything in my power to avoid answering questions that the answers will hurt them. On the flip-side of that remember that anything that they say negative about you while you are breaking up with them is out of hurt and anger. Don’t respond defensively; let any hurtful statements go. They want to get a rise out of you and maybe even hurt you a bit since they are feeling hurt. Your kindness and patience through that will be important if you want to remain friends.

In the end you may not be able to be friends. Make sure you really want to be before you say you do. It is not kind to say you want to remain friends and then you don’t put in the effort to do so. It is far kinder to tell them you need some time, keep it about you when talking about breaking up, then cut contact or reduce it to a minimum. Ask yourself do you really want to be their friend because you enjoy their friendship, or is it a way you are attempting to spare yours or their feelings.

Hopefully a few of you can use these tips from my experiences to as consciously exit a relationship as you did to enter it.

Check out the companion podcast as Emma and I sit down and talk about how we broke up and remain best friends to this day.

This is where you begin, as with any interaction, with the method. The six steps remember of Charisma Arts method are: Open, Get Commitment, Establish Rapport, Get Info, SOI, and Close.

Open

Whoever answers greet them with her name, “Hi Susan!”

No need to say who you are because her phone has your name in it and already told her what your name is. If it is a guy that answers do the same thing. This creates a sense of familiarity. He will likely just hand the phone to her thinking you are a close friend who expected her to answer her own phone. If you ask if she is there, then he may just ask her like this, “Uh hold on I’ll see if she is around. Who is this? Hey Susan, some guy named Dan is on the phone, do you want to take it or should I tell him you are busy?”

Not the best impression eh? Also if she answers and you ask her if Susan is there, it sets up the feeling of being strangers.

Get Commitment

Once you get her on the phone it is time to get commitment to the interaction. Start off asking, “What are you doing right now?”

If she tells you something like watching her kid brother, tell her you will call her back when she is done. This shows you expect her full attention and is very high value. I don’t like to talk to people while they are distracted and in turn I try not to be doing anything but talking if I am on the phone. No checking email or watching TV when I am having a conversation. If she says she is just watching TV then say, “Can you turn it off or put it aside for five minutes?”

I expect someone’s full attention when I talk to them; I don’t want to waste my time talking to someone who is distracted. This is how I get commitment.

Establish Rapport

Whether you are a phone person or not it is good to chat just a bit to remind her just how different your conversational style is. Relating and Appreciating her a bit will do just that. If you are not good on the phone you can keep this to a minimum, but you should do a bit.

Get Info

Ask her, “So what’s happened since the last time we’ve talked?”

This is an important step because you don’t know if she got back together with her ex, or her mom died, she’s going in for surgery, or something else that would affect how you interact with her. It would be a shame to go out with her and then at the end of the date she finally gets the nerve up to tell you she just got back together with her ex. Depending on the answer you will know whether you need to take it slower and schedule things around her moms funeral, or whether you can slide a date in the next couple days.

SOI

Time to make sure she knows why you are asking her out. Promise me you won’t skip this step otherwise you will likely be stuck dog sitting for her poodle on a Saturday night instead of going out with her. The word is Sexy and there is no other word. If you are having trouble SOI’ng her in your conversation, then try doing it in a more playful way. Say, “So what are you wearing right now?”

Guaranteed she will say something un-sexy like a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. You then say, “Ooooh I can definitely use my imagination there, very sexy.”

This is a fun way to do it because it is goofy and so cheesy it comes off well.

Close

Time to set a date. Offer her up a time and day; don’t ask. She will let you know if it won’t work. For example:

You: Ok I think we should get together, you are too much fun. Thursday at 9pm I’ll meet you down at the 3rd street pub and we’ll grab a beer.

Her: I actually can’t that day.

You: That’s cool, well that means it is your turn to propose a day and time. I don’t know you well enough to give you a weekend night, you are going to have to ask really nicely if you want me to yourself on a Friday or Saturday.

Her: Well then, I’d be honored if you joined me for a drink on Sunday night at 8pm. Hopefully that will fit into your busy schedule Mr. Popular.

Me: Sounds good. I’ll see you then.

Want to hear more on dating and what to do on dates, as well as a bit more on phone game? Listen to the accompanying podcast on Phone Game and Dating. Coming Soon!

Maybe the first thing you need to do is write off that girl who put you in the friend zone. You can’t have her; she already let you know that. SHE put you in to the friend zone, it is pretty clear you aren’t going to change her mind. I mean come on really, how long have you been pining over her?

More often than I like to admit I get emails asking me how to get a certain girl that a guy has been wanting for a long time. I do my spiel on making sure you put the interaction on the line, call her sexy (SOI her) and start using sexual barriers. Technically if you could lose your agenda to have her, and stop putting her so high on a pedestal, yes that is how you would get out of the friend zone. I’ve yet to hear it work for any of my clients. Not because it isn’t possible to get out of the friend zone, it is because they can’t lose their agenda and see her as a normal human being. It is a case of oneitis. I see great guys who are very smooth with women do the stupidest things around their oneitis. The community advice is go fuck ten other women. This might be a spot where I agree with their crude but sound advice.

The fact is some women aren’t going to fall in love with you. Live with that. It doesn’t mean you aren’t desirable or an attractive person. It means you didn’t fit her qualifications. Get over it.

So now I’ve just belittled your undying love for this woman and you are left hoping I’m wrong. I’ve dashed your fantasy of having any woman you want, and you probably doubt your ability to get ANY woman at all. Sorry I didn’t mean to do that. So what next?

What is left is to start being happy with whom you are. Take a month off the community, don’t hang out with that “friend” your pining over and in fact maybe don’t date for a month. Call up every guy friend you have (outside the community) and hang out with them. What, you don’t have any? Well this is your month to make them. Enroll in some new classes in whatever you might like. Hell, do things you don’t know if you like and have never tried. Go to the gym regularly. This is the month to get you happy with yourself. One of the reasons women don’t like you is you don’t really even like yourself. Don’t even think of staying in and having a pity party. Have fun without women, period.

At the end of your month, return to the dating scene with a vengeance; get out there and start dating anyone. Just start dating. However don’t drop the new friends you’ve made and new hobbies you’ve started. Be passionate about life and make dating only ONE part of it. Don’t get caught up with one woman, there are too many out there. Hey, and if you haven’t noticed since after your month off, you are a lot more attractive to all of them.

If you can forget about the girl who put you in the friend zone, and stop pining over her, she might just change her mind about you. Don’t count on it, don’t try for it; instead if she comments on all the women you are dating your reply should be “don’t be jealous, you had your chance.” And mean it! She was the one who put you in the friend zone, now it is your turn to put her there and make her wonder why you don’t want her anymore. You can’t fake this; you actually have to move on. It might help to think of all the things you don’t like about her and stop thinking she is a perfect angel. Knock her off your pedestal in your mind. You can do better than her and you should go out and get that.

Once you’ve had women more beautiful and more fun than her, maybe when you are single again, she will finally be obtainable again. Only because you know you have choice and confidence.

So my answer to the friend zone is give up on her. She really isn’t worth this much mental and emotional energy. There are other better women out there. I know, I pass on amazing women in lots of cities all the time. I don’t do long distance no matter how wonderful a woman is. No matter how many times I have found the perfect woman, I always seem to find more of them. I look back at those perfect women of my AFC days and realize I have dated and dumped women better than that. You will find better too.

Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. Stop keeping your balls in a box on the shelf when it comes to that “friend” and move on.

Want to understand Men and Dating better? Join our group!

• Ever wonder what men are thinking?
• Wish you had someone who could really tell you what was going on with that guy who confused the hell out of you?
• Ever wished you could know the secret techniques Pickup Artists use on you so you don’t get taken advantage of?
• Are you an extremely successful woman at dating and would like to share the secret of your success with other women?
• How about having a personal dating coach to help you be able to meet and attract men that you are really interested in?

We would like to invite you to a revolutionary women’s group led by a man. Learn about how men think from a man who has worked with hundreds of men teaching them how to date women. What does a straight man know about dating men? He knows how men think, why they do what they do, and what makes them attracted to women. He also knows the secret techniques men use to manipulate women.

Group Goals:

1. Learn specific conversational skills to make you more charismatic with anyone, not just men.
2. Explore your dating potential in a group setting with support and feedback from a professional dating coach and other women working at the same thing.
3. Understand men better so you can understand how to make it work with the guys you are really interested in.
4. Learn experientially how to be more successful instead of just discussing it, by going out to social environments with a supportive group.

The best part, is this group is not a money making venture! This is a focus group intended to explore the ways to make all women more successful in their social lives and dating. Senior Instructor from Charisma Arts (charismaarts dot com) Dan, is running this group as an independent focus group that will eventually become a course to help many other women become more successful. This course has no cost associated with it. Donations will be accepted with no recommended amount. Nor is it mandatory to donate. This is not about the money; it is about you becoming successful. Your success will pave the way for future courses to teach other women to create successful social lives and have the skills to be successful in their romantic lives. In fact, women who join this group will be considered for future instructors.

There are limited spaces for this group to ensure personalized help. If you are interested contact Dan at dan@charismaarts.com with answers to the following questions:

1. Briefly (yes I mean a couple paragraphs) your dating and relationship history.
2. Tell me about dating and social skills you are good at.
3. Tell me something interesting about yourself.
4. What would you like to get out of a group like this?
5. Are Sunday afternoons and Thursday evenings free for you?

San Francisco residents only please!

Oh and btw for community guys reading this yes i will be telling these women about all the techniques out there. Get over it. If you don’t like it try a method that doesn’t involve routines or manipulative techniques.

Despite the blog in my opinion being shameless in over advertising and posting stuff to increase the enrollment in Schools of which Donovon is an affiliate of, I’m all for a good poll.

So go let him know who your favorite coach (or company represented by the coach).

http://attraction-chronicles.blogspot.com/2006/12/top-dating-coach-of-2006.html

————-
I do know most women don’t like when I tell them I date other women. That is why I say it in a way that keeps things a touch vague and open for changing that. “I’ve been dating a couple people but nothing serious.” is what i say after she enquires to my relationship status. I try to do that the first night i meet them. Then I don’t talk about it anymore. If she brings it up I am honest but i try not to make it definitive. Most women want to know there is a chance with you. If you are dating other people and say something like “I’m not into a serious relationship right now”, they may not be into that either but not having that option is a turn off for them.

It’s about understanding how women interperet different statments. I asked a lot of female friends about this subject and got their translations.

“I’ve been dating a couple people but nothing serious.”
Translation: He is single, has options and is still on the market but i may have competition.

“I’m not into a serious relationship right now”
Translation: He just wants to sleep around and won’t likely commit to a relationship.

One leaves options open, the other is a hard one to work around. If i say the first then I have been honest and clear and don’t have to have any type of “talk” about it unless she brings it up.

If it comes down to her asking me what that means I tell her honestly but with as little information as possible. I know if i was dating a woman who was not exclusive (which I have) I wouldn’t want to hear about it. Women often ask questions they don’t want to hear answers to because they can’t help themselves. So if she asks if i am sleeping with any of them I say something like this:

“If I find someone that i have a really strong connection with, I want to experience who they are as a unique person at whatever that level that leads us to. ”

If she probes further

“Like I said, right now, nothing is serious. I would like a serious relationship in the future and until I find the right person I need to find out about someone and who they really are before i can make that step.”

If she probes further

“Look, I don’t want to go into it. All I know is I want to find out about who you are and get to know you better.”

If she still has a problem with it she usually will want to be my friend. That is just a way in her mind to make it ok that she is still dating me. Most women don’t want to be dating a guy who is dating other women, however they will be friends with that guy. However it is the same thing as if they said they will date you but not sleep with you. She will likely change her mind if you play things right. If you drop her because whe won’t “be in rotation” it will confirm who she is scared you might be. However if you continue to be her friend it creates an immeasurable growth in sexual tension that will break in time.

Once a girl sleeps with you hopefully you are proficient in bed enough to have her realize it is better with sex than hanging out with you without sex. She will just ignore the other women and I avoid bringing it up in any way.

Most women i’ve met, will come around. One girl i told wouldn’t talk to me for 2 weeks and had me drive her home the night i told her i was dating other people. Of course at that point i wasn’t that smooth the way i told her either. However after that we were friends and after a month of hanging out with her as friends we started sleeping together.

The good thing about dating more than one woman is usually I get enough sex that i lose my agenda for it. That is a turn on when a woman sees you are flirty sexual person but that you don’t NEED sex from her.

However what i realize is that most women won’t stay in this situation after 3 months. There is something about the 3 month point that makes women have to know where the relationship stands or will leave.

You said it best with “It seems like often women understand and tolerate the status quo of not being exclusive, but don’t want it thrown in their faces.”

I always felt like I had to explain everything to women about that situation. To make SURE they knew and were OK with it. Guys overexplain everything. Women know the situation from the first time you have that relationship status talk. No more explanation needed. If it is unclear to her then she will ask.

My last point in dating different people is if it is casual for me, I don’t hang out with a woman more than once a week after we have sex. Of course this would be insulting if you were hanging out more than a couple times a week before sex. I’m busy so that usually isn’t a problem.

My only rule is I always call a girl the next day after sex or being intimate, but i never make future plans on that call unless she brings that up. It comes off needy to progress a relationship after sex or wanting to hang out right away. My best case is I can leave a message on her phone telling her “I just wanted to call and say Hi and that I had a great time last night.. Hope you have a great day today. I’ll talk to you soon.”

So that is my take on it..

It is like this for so many guys I have talked to. They are quite charming with mildly attractive women but the moment they talk to a very beautiful woman they clam up and are unable to do it.

I hate to lay down this fact but as long as beautiful women intimidate you to the point you can’t be yourself, you won’t be successful in dating them. Why? It is about agenda. Ever notice women you are not interested often fall for you? It is because you are confidently yourself around them and have no agenda when you are with them. With a very beautiful woman she evokes in us this base desire to obtain her, to HAVE her. This creates a very predator prey relationship and what does prey do when around a predator? She runs, and runs fast.

There is a book I recently read called “The Female Brain” that explains that the part of a woman’s brain that sees and interprets non-verbal signals relating to social interaction such as body language, tonality, and intent, is ten times larger than the corresponding part of a man’s brain. Women can sense when you are not being genuine or when you start having an agenda to HAVE her.

Allison Armstrong actually goes so far to say that a relationship where you are extremely attracted to her won’t ever work. I personally feel that is going too far. However she has a point. The more attracted you are the more agenda you will have and the less yourself you will be. So what is the antidote for HWS (Hot Woman Syndrome)?

The antidote is stop putting her up on a pedestal!!! If you knew she ripped the heads off of small animals in her spare time would you still be attracted to her? If that doesn’t turn you off then insert any morally repugnant thing she could do and assume she just might. The fact is you don’t know her. Even after dating her for a while you can’t fool yourself that you know every skeleton in her closet! Understand you are attracted to her for her looks, but is that really enough for you? I know I want both an attractive woman and someone who has a personality I am attracted to. I don’t know if I am attracted to her personality for quite some time. The problem is most guys find out the minimum about her and any faults are not immediately obvious. They then just assume her personality is up to their standards. Don’t assume.

I go into interactions with beautiful women with genuine interest in who they are, without the assumption that I want to have any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with them. I need to get to know them to find out if they are up to my standards. I treat them the same way I treat a woman I am not attracted to in an interaction. I am every bit myself and I don’t have an agenda with her. If I find out more about her that I like then I escalate as I do in interactions I have with less attractive women. No time do I put her on a pedestal above me. We are equal, period.

So do whatever you need to do to get rid of your agenda and stay true to being yourself when you are around an extremely beautiful woman. Personally I just assume she might have dismembered puppy heads in her purse. Yes I know I am a bit weird. It works for me though.

Not everywoman lives up to my standards, just because she is really hot doesn’t’ pre-approve her for anything in my mind. It shouldn’t in your mind either. Take the time to find out what is interesting about her and appreciate it just like anyone else. Stay confidently and actively being yourself.

A goal in an interaction is to keep the interaction balanced, if you don’t share with a person who you are and what you are about, they will not want to tell you anything about themselves. I talk about myself in interactions all the time. In fact when some one is a bit cold and cut off that is a great way to get them to open up, asking them more questions won’t do that.

The more detailed your descriptions about how you feel, with I perspective, emotions, and details, the more they will follow your lead and see that as an example of how their answers to you should be. If you want to find something you can relate to in another person then you have to be relatable. This does not mean blather on about facts and timelines about what you have done in your life; it is about talking about how you felt doing those things. The less you talk about facts the better, explaining how you feel when snowboarding will be far more interesting than talking about how to technically do it.

Over and over one of the most common things I see in guys who run out of things to say, can’t get commitment, or fail to get anything interesting out of a person, comes down to the fact that they didn’t talk about themselves in a relatable way. If you want someone to like you for the real you, then you have to show them who that is. If you are telling them stuff about yourself that the purpose is to relate how you feel about something, you won’t be talking about yourself too much.

So get out there and let people know who you are. Tell them about you!

So enjoy!

Welcome to the very first Charisma Arts newsletter!!!

Great things are happening here at Charisma Arts. By the time you read this Wayne and Johnny will be internationally known in the world of social interaction. Seduction School, a reality tv show, will have aired in the UK and is probably filtering onto the internet for download as we speak. Hopefully I’ll get to see it soon!

There have been a lot of great new trainers coming on board as of late. These guys are AMAZING! Seeing Judson get the number of a bartender that every guy in the bar had already tried for was a work of art! Matt and Jayson have been on quite some time now, and as soon as we get them to stop hiding from the camera we’ll have their bios up soon. Many of you will recognize Matt’s skill as being somewhat familiar, he’s Johnny’s older brother. Definitely not to be overshadowed though, he is one of our smoothest instructors. Jayson the eternal goofball, has a fun flirty style that disarms every woman he meets. I swear that guy can talk any woman on the planet into sending him naughty texts and pics on his phone. Our international trainers include Eric in Canada, and Locky in the UK. Locky that little devil I have yet to meet, but his stories of unbuttoning a girls shirt right in the bar because he is so un-intimidating are now legendary. Eric our man in the great white north I am flying to hang out with as we speak. I’ll report back what crazy hijinks we get into in the wonderful city of Montreal.

Each newsletter we are going to answer your questions and give you some fun tips, Q&A, anecdotes, stories, and even exercises. We know you don’t want any spam! So it’s all content coming at you. This is Dan (SocialHitchHiker) coming at you from 25,000 feet trying to outrun jetlag.

Q & A

I seem to talk to a lot of women but I never seem to build attraction, any tips?

Attraction is built when you self confidently show who you are and are genuinely interested in who she is. If you are trying to do something to build attraction it will almost always fail. Disqualification, rewarding, and making her interesting, are among your best tools to allow attraction to grow. Remember it is already there. She is attracted to you the moment you walk up; she just doesn’t know it yet.

So I feel phony when I give rewards like “you’re a really great conversationalist”.

Then don’t use that particular reward. Be genuine. Make sure whatever reward you give her it is commensurate to the effort she gave you as well as being genuine. If she says she likes burritos, and you say you are so impressed by her great choice of cuisine, you’re done. Try rewarding on personality traits either explicit or implied. She says she tells you she is a nurse and loves helping people try; “I like that, you have a really big heart. I don’t know if I would ever have courage to do that. Honestly I faint when I see some blood from a paper-cut.” If you are having trouble rewarding, when she tells you something interesting try saying “I like that.” Then telling her why.
I just can’t seem to escalate! Help me!

As one of our clients said “Sexy is the $1600 word”. Tell her how something unique about her is really sexy. Then tell her “Stop it, you’re turning me on.” Continue that game whenever she does something or tells you something unique. “I told you to stop that, I mean we are surrounded by people, you really have to stop turning me on.” Just remember to never use these SOI’s to seek feedback from her. Tell her a SOI then let it go and move on, don’t wait for her reaction. Positive, neutral, or negative, move on to more flirting or more rapport. The key is once you SOI, interpret everything she does (within reason) as sexual. Throwing in some sexual barriers and push pull is also really helpful at this point. Not sure how to do that? Come to a boot-camp or read Wayne’s E-book, it will be the best investment you have ever made in changing your life.

Thanks for reading this first edition of the Charisma Arts newsletter. Here is an exercise for you to try until we hit you up with our next installment.

Exercise: Man Hug a Stranger
Object: Create a committed vibe

Go up to a complete stranger somewhere and with the vibe like you have known them for years and have just run into them. Extend your hand and give an interlocking hand shake (the manly handshake where you basically grab each others thumb and palm) and pull them in while you reach around and pat them on the back with your free hand. Say something like “Hey, good to see you! [man hug now]” When they say something about not knowing you, just say you must have been mistaken and introduce yourself. See how long you can keep talking to them.

Charismatically yours,

Dan (Social HitchHiker)

Are you looking to make more progress? Our resources are at your fingertips. http://www.charismaarts.com has lots of different tools for you to become an incredibly charismatic individual. Download our E-Book and see just how simple conversation can turn from platonic to personal to sexual. Still can’t seem to integrate some of the tools we teach? Try a phone consultation! What a great way to get solid advice personalized to your situation and personality. For those of you ready to have your life completely altered, say goodbye to free evenings and sleep. Our boot-camp will make you so charming, women will be clamoring for your attention and keeping you up all night hogging all the covers. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Last year there was a woman who I met who I put so high on a pedestal that I almost worshiped her. The very first night I met her I gave her foot rub. It was the beginning of the end. She felt sick in the early part of the week and I delivered her soup at her work. I was so proud of myself for my thoughtful gestures and knew it was sure to show how good a guy I was. We went out to a play later that week. It was heaven; an outdoor theatre sharing a blanket watching an incredible production of Faustus. Our hands intermingled and I caressed her fingers. Later we took a walk in the park and kissed in the middle of a labyrinth. Under a blanket of stars we walked and talked for hours. The next day she received a delivery of flowers at her work. I had all of her friends coming up to me telling me I was the most romantic guy they had ever met. So what went wrong?

The reason she started avoiding going on more dates with me was complicated. She was dating other people and without even asking me what I thought about it, she just assumed I wanted a relationship; I can’t blame her, my actions spoke pretty loud. I had made dating her a very heavy thing. I was showing a lot of interest and treating her in a way she didn’t feel she earned just for being who she was. She felt me put her too high on a pedestal. This is what I consider supplication.

The idea of this romance is the dream of most women, but when it comes to reality it is too much. Fantasy stays fantasy for a reason. If things happened like in a romance novel, women would feel like they could fall off that pedestal at any minute. They know and realize they are not perfect. If you see an image of them that is not reality they feel you don’t see who they really are. Every woman wants to be seen as unique and special, but wants to be loved flaws and all. If you are too blind to see the flaws she will be scared for that time when you do see them.

Supplication is whenever you show interest in a way that she doesn’t feel she deserves. Even if she is actively manipulating you into it she doesn’t respect you because you are falling for it. This is why in the community we don’t buy drinks or dinners for women we first start dating. Does that mean I never buy drinks or dinners? Sure I do; but by that time it becomes an equal exchange. I have shown I am not trying to buy her affection. We have both paid for drinks and dinners at times. A woman who feels she is entitled to things being paid for her has a wake up call when she dates me. She may not like it but she will respect me more for it.

So the real litmus test now for me to understand whether I am supplicating to a woman is this: “Am I doing this to make her like me more? Would I do this for a new acquaintance? Could she see me doing this as a way to earn her affections?”

If you are not sure whether you are supplicating then try this, always make it equal; even if it is only implied equality. Sure feel free to buy her coffee or a drink if you ask her out, it is polite; however imply some level of exchange. “I’ll get this round of drinks but you get to give the first back rub tonight!” Or set it up from the start as an equal exchange. “Ok, let’s play a game, I’ll buy you a drink that I think represents your personality, and you buy me a drink that represents mine.”

Understanding the idea of equal exchange in your interactions and desperate interest will help you avoid supplication yet not go overboard and not do anything nice for someone.

Charm School Boot Camp instructor Dan Williams — or the Social Hitchhiker, as he’s known in the pickup community, is offering the lesson of the day to a table of men at the Bamboo Hut in North Beach on a recent Friday night.

“OK guys,” he says, “I don’t want to see you alone. You know what we call that — lonesome row. I don’t want to see you standing alone, ever.

[Podcast: Reyhan Harmanci talks to two pickup artists.]

“Also, don’t end a conversation too early. Don’t end a conversation before someone, like, pushes you away and says, ‘Go away,’ ” he says, grinning. “Seriously, you can talk to someone for much longer than you think.”

The five students, ranging in age from 22 to late 40s, and ranging in career from college student to financier, nod. Their faces are tight. Each has paid $1,600 to spend two and half days learning the art of the pickup from Charisma Arts, a company founded by one of the best-known names in the pickup world, Wayne Elise, a.k.a. Juggler. They have spent most of Friday afternoon in a small room in the Westin St. Francis Hotel, getting to know each other, their instructors and the basic tenets of the Juggler method. They’ve learned some new words — “kino” means touching, “PUA” means “pickup artist,” “SOI” means “statement of interest,” “the vacuum” is the space in conversation that happens after you ask a question. They’re role-played and checked in about their feelings. They’ve asked many, many questions. Some have taken notes.

But now it’s time to take those lessons into the field.

While the venue’s atmosphere screams “party” with red lights, tiki torches and dance music, the feeling at the table is icy. The increasingly crowded bar seems miles away and a hundred feet tall from the point of view of the seated apprentices.

“OK, guys,” says Chad de la Vega, another instructor, sounding like a coach firing up his team of second-stringers heading onto the field for a maiden scrimmage. “Go out there! Go!”

One by one, the men, who asked not to be identified, push themselves out of the round booth and toward the bar. Two of the students pair off and talk to each other while eyeing the crowd. One of the younger students lingers a moment alone at the end of the bar before he takes a few tentative steps toward a woman sitting alone. He straightens his shirt and then leans in toward her.

The two instructors sit back in the booth and nod approvingly. He looks awkward, fidgeting, eyes clearly focused on a spot behind the bar rather than the woman’s face, but it’s still a success. He’s approached a stranger and started talking. He’s on his way.

But as the weekend unfolds, something strange happens: The men stop talking about women. They become focused on a more distant goal, secondary to the immediate rewards of simple socializing. For these five students and countless other men who have been drawn into the “seduction community” by reading Neil Strauss’ bestselling book, “The Game,” social anxiety hinders more than their dating life. They have come together because, in the words of a 26-year-old seminar participant, they “suck at communication.”

And at the end of the weekend, the tally of phone numbers (for the record, the group of five collected a total of three numbers and one impromptu coffee date) doesn’t even figure in the final analysis, as the men go around in a circle and talk about their expectations at the start of the weekend and what they feel they accomplished. “I’m not a virgin anymore when it comes to socializing,” said one happy student.

There was a lot of talk about “feeling good” and “opening up” and “learning about myself.” One man spoke at length about his tendency to be selfish in his interactions, and how he needs to become more empathetic with others. Hugs abounded. The weekend’s mascot seemed to be more Robert Bly than Don Juan.

The response of the students doesn’t surprise the instructors. “We tell people, it’s a little bit of a trick,” says Williams. “They come in here to learn how to talk to women and we teach them how to talk to everyone.”

Charisma Arts is more demure than most of the schools of the seduction community, or as it’s known, the Community. As chronicled in “The Game,” the Community got its start in the late ’80s with posts on online message boards by a man named Ross Jeffries, who adopted hypnotic techniques called “Neuro-Linguistic Programming” to develop a pickup method he named “Speed Seduction.” As other message boards sprung up, other names emerged over the past six years — Mystery, Juggler, Papa, Tyler Durden — who wrote to each other, met each other, and tried to find fail-safe ways to have success with women — often narrowly defined as having sex with them. Strauss, a New York Times writer who abandoned his identity as Neil Strauss, taking on the moniker “Style,” brought that world to the mainstream with his Times article and book, which has been optioned as a movie.

Unlike the routine-heavy Mystery method, the aggressive cocky-funny David D’Angelo method, the hypnotic Speed Seduction technique or any number of copy-cat sites, Charm School focuses on the elusive goal of “being yourself.”

On the first afternoon, de la Vega laid out the fundamental rule of the Juggler method: Everyone is interesting. “It’s your job to find out what’s unique and special about everyone you talk to,” de la Vega says, as the group stares at him. “We don’t teach routines. And we don’t want you to be performing all the time — the conversation should be 50-50. You can have girls laughing and laughing but if they don’t put in any effort, they’re not committed. It’s like a TV show — you can always turn it off.”

Once the “set” is opened, the name of the game is reward and escalate; with every step forward conversationally, there should be steps forward physically (kino!). But the emphasis remained on conversational skills that would pertain equally to men and women. It wasn’t until the third and final day that flirting techniques were put forth — the “push and pull,” where positive statements are couched as negative to create humor or tension, and “sexual barriers” are introduced, as in “I want to kiss you but I’m afraid too many people are watching.”

“I’m not going to lie,” Williams said. “I’m a man and I want sex and I’m probably going to want it faster than the woman. But this is a respectful way of making my intentions known.”

After a long Friday in the classroom, and Friday night in the field, where the group hopped to the Velvet Lounge after spending time at the Bamboo Hut, Saturday brought no relief for the guys. This is Boot Camp, after all. After the events of the night were parsed through at a coffee shop (no one did more than converse with their quarry, although all the men reported increased confidence after being forced to interact with strangers for three hours), it was time for a new lesson: daytime pickups. The troop headed over to Borders off Union Square to start chatting up book lovers.

With its structured rules, tight hierarchy and reliance on code words, the seduction game reeks of adolescent male bonding rituals. As Strauss notes in “The Game,” “There is nothing more bonding than picking up girls together. It is the basis for great friendship. Because afterward, when the girls are gone, you can finally give each other the high-five you’ve been holding out since you met them … It’s not just the sound of skin hitting skin; it’s the sound of brotherhood.”

The successful professional PUAs, such as Juggler, recognize this and to some degree exploit it: all three instructors of Charm School Boot Camp were at one time customers of Charm School Boot Camp. Graduates of Boot Camp have access to private message boards where they can ask questions and tell stories of life post Boot Camp as well as a one-hour phone call with an instructor. The instructors say it’s common for graduates to keep in touch and to hang out long after the seminar is over.

As for this group, it seems unlikely that any PUAs will emerge. All the participants said that the lack of routines or complicated manipulations were what attracted them to the Juggler method in the first place. But it’s easy to see how one could get seduced by the seduction game. In an e-mail sent a week after the course, the 26-year-old student raves, “I went from a guy who was scared to talk to a stranger because I didn’t know what to say, to a guy who is scared to talk to a stranger because the stranger is gonna start opening up and it’s just so odd to me since I have never in my life had people open up to me,” but ends the e-mail on a darker note.

“The only thing I’m scared of every minute of my life after the workshop, is that I will go back to being my old self,” he says. The solution to that problem? He will “keep working on the method.”

E-mail Reyhan Harmanci at rharmanci@sfchronicle.com.