Our society is very hard on women openly expressing their attraction and sexuality towards men. We admonish women who are promiscuous with the term “slut”. Men even call a woman a slut, often as a reaction to being rejected. The societal roles of women’s sexuality is so confusing for both men and women. Women will often act like they don’t enjoy a man’s advances only to end up in bed with him that very night.

As a boy growing up raised by a single mother I learned to respect women, almost excessively so. I was the quintessential nice guy. I unfavorably Judged men who I saw overtly hit on women and were sexual and brash. I heard my female friends complain about these men yet wind up with them every time. In my own dealings with women the moment a woman made any indication of resistance I backed off out of my own idea of what was being respectful. An implication of another relationship, a joke about me hitting on her, to a flirty statement that I misinterpreted, all would freeze me in place. I would not pursue her in my self-righteous attempt to be respectful unlike all the other guys out there (who were way more successful than I). Basically I was just afraid and inexperienced.

Guys, we are our own worse enemies. Start with confidence and go after what you want. If you want a relationship with a girl, that does not exclude being flirtatious and sexual with her. In fact if you are not creating the sexual tension, moving toward the kiss, the caress, sex, you are going to end up in the friend zone. I am not talking all in one night, but if there is not a steady noticible progression to becoming more physical with a woman, most will assume you only want to be friends. If they don’t assume that, then they will realize you are just not assertive and confident enough to be attracted to in that way.

You need to move thing forward to the point where she is saying no or being a bit resistant. This should be a gradual thing as I teach in my Dating Decoded – Audio Workshop. The point is a bit of resistance is a good thing. She is going to do this so you won’t think she is a slut. This is the point to realize these “NO’s” really mean “Not Yet”. That “not yet” may end up being a cold day in hell before it happens, but you need to keep moving forward. Hit resistance, take a step back a bit, but then proceed again in a bit.

Women don’t respond to logical reasoning why you should move the relationship forward. They don’t respond to begging, they don’t want to talk about why or why not kissing should be happening now, you just have to assertively try again even if there has been resistance. Take a step back and then move forward again later.

Don’t give up, No means Not Yet!

The last few months of my life have been rocky.. From my split with Charisma Arts to starting this new venture has had some interesting ups and downs. I feel a little like a manic depressive, I had days where I work 14 hours straight on developing Charisma Coaching, and I have had days where I have sat on the couch and done nothing but play video games and watch movies while drowning my blues in alcohol. Being unemployed has had an interesting effect on my self image and happiness as well. When I am getting phone coaching and private clients I am on top of the world. Sitting in an empty room hoping people show up to my talks has driven me to drink on more than one occasion. The main thing that I have stumbled upon this morning with the help of my dear friend Jonah, is that I have been going about this all wrong.

I love teaching men and women how to flirt, date, and communicate. In learning it myself it opened up the doors to a huge amount of success in my life. I realized that communicating better improved my relationships, my sex life, my work life, and generally made me so much happier. However I realize inside of me there is this shame. I was ashamed of what I did for a living when I was working with Charisma Arts. I loved the teaching and changing peoples lives. I openly told people what I did for a living and was proud of it. What I was ashamed of is what people thought when they went to the website and saw all over it “Succeed with women”, “Be Amazing with Women!”, “Learn the art of Seduction!”. It made me cringe to think people saw me as an instructor of that.

My shame in that is what shaped my vision of my current venture. The problem is that I became too generalized in an attempt to legitimize what I teach. Everyone can use what I teach but it is too difficult to see how it can solve the symptoms of what makes people unhappy. Marketing my workshops has been insanely difficult. I feel like I am selling ice to eskimos. No one thinks like “The reason I am unable to meet the man/woman of my dreams is because I don’t know how to communicate well.” I was selling the cure and forgetting to talk about the symptoms. By being ashamed of coming off as a “Pick Up Artist”, I went in a direction that was a marketing disaster.

Well I still don’t and never will claim I am a “Pick Up Artist”. I am having a new vision of where this company is going to go. I still have a vision to teach communication skills to people for all aspects of their lives, but I realize I need to attack it from a different angle. I am turning my focus back to dating exclusively. The thing that will differentiate me is that I am not going to exclusively just teach men, or just teach women. I am in the market for a vivacious passionate female instructor to co-teach with me and help develop content for Charisma Coaching. If anyone knows of anyone please send them my way. I am going to cut back on workshops and instead focus on this blog more, start doing regular podcasts and develop an audio product and a book. Of course I will still be offering private in-person and phone coaching. Once we get a stronger following and larger market we will open up the workshops again.

So what does that mean to you as a reader? MORE! You are going to get more blog posts, more content, and more podcasts. The name of things may change, but the vision I have is still strong and will slowly evolve. Also I am going to start blogging about my personal life and things about me. I am hoping to bring in more bloggers so there should be a lot more content as well.

Bear with me as these changes are going to be interesting but I think everyone will benefit from being more focused on building my business around good content.

Thanks for reading!

I see him hesitantly approach and start the story. He makes the standard excuse most use when I bid them on this difficult mission, “My friend is daring me to tell this story.” However he continues to tell the story in a way that honestly can only be called endearing, at least if the content wasn’t about his accidental colon leakage. The most amazing thing is she actually laughs and cringes in empathy instead of revulsion. The conversation continued. In fact he got her number and even made it to a fun flirty conversation that lasted the remainder of the evening.

Making him go in and talk to a complete stranger, a woman at that, without anything but who he was at his most basic raw human flawed self was my goal. It is what I call a naked opener; simply put, a conversational opener that puts who we are out first. The effectiveness of this is dramatic. With all the games people play in meeting new people and dating, meeting a real genuine person who is honest and raw with whom they are is refreshing and attractive. Continuing on I will give you ten conversational openers that will allow you to open with your naked self.

Bar or social event openers
• “Hi, my name is ____________. What is yours?”
• “I haven’t met you yet. What’s your name?”
• “So I hear it is really hard for guys to approach a girl they are attracted to. I thought I’d try it out. Hmmmm [confident pause] guess it’s not so bad. “
• “You know there is something about you that made me come over and talk to you. I’d like to figure out what that is.”
• “So what is your group’s mission tonight? Ours is to avoid just talking to ourselves all night and meet some new people.”

These are openers to use in situations where socialization are implied, cocktail parties, at the bar, house parties, etc. Usually I follow them up with asking for their name or introducing myself

Daily life openers
• Talk as loudly and energetically as you can without yelling to a friend walking down the street and anyone beside you that looks at you include in your conversation.
• Ask for a recommendation while standing in line, and then give yours.
• “What’s your favorite one? Why that one?” standing next to someone browsing.
• “Ok, you’ve got the job. I just hired you as my ________ consultant and I need your help, this is what I’m looking for (or to do).” Use when shopping for clothes, food, a gift, etc and insert the word culinary, fashion, gift, etc into the blank. Keep the second part very general so they can easily help.
• “You look interesting, I had to come up and talk to you, but I’m shy [confident grin]. What’s your name_______?” [Credit Wayne Elise]

These daily life openers are better used when meeting people as you live your normal life walking around in an environment where socialization is not always implied.

The point of a conversational opener is to start a conversation; all of these and more work. These openers can also fail miserably. It is actually not the opener that matters it is the confident vibe that matters most. When a person sees you approach them, they have to immediately assess how much work it will be to have a conversation with you. If your energy is confident and you put yourself out there a bit, they can relax and not feel like the conversation will be on them to uphold.

These openers also let you be whom you are, your true naked personality portrayed. That confidence in being yourself supersedes any false confidence that comes from a memorized witty opener that has nothing to do with who you are.

On to the idea of reverse isolation, we have had a long-standing idea in our heads of confrontation with women and the path to their hearts or at least our bedrooms. There are even warlike terms such as target, obstacle, and even derisive terms for her friends like cock-block. It is time to see this in an inclusive journey. Women have to know what their friends think about you; what do you think those bathroom trips are really for? We believe the only way to get a woman to like us is to get her alone for a bit; hence the idea of isolating her. This is also a bit of a confrontational approach.

When I tell my clients don’t bother isolating her other than having a one on one conversation, even with her standing in a group (as opposed to a group conversation), they’re confused. I then tell them, she will isolate you. Women want to hook up and meet cool guys, and their friends want that for them even more. Women are also masters of reading body language. They can see from across the bar whether she is enjoying the conversation with you or not. Her friends will naturally make an excuse to leave you two alone. If they are not sure about it they will invite her and she will remain if she likes you. As long as you have introduced yourself to her friends and had a nice warm vibe, you’ll pass. Besides if this takes a while don’t let it deter you. It shows even more confidence if you are flirting with her right in front of her friends, introducing a SOI and even sexual barriers is a good thing. This will even encourage her friends to leave you alone together. Not trying to isolate gives her friends a chance to see how you two are getting along and without anything other than a warm introduction, they begin to get to know you simply because they see you interacting.

Then it happens before you know it. You are standing there with her friends a distance away or even nowhere to be seen. Now she will feel comfortable being a bit flirtier back with you. Take that opportunity to escalate further and enjoy the next step in the interaction.

Hell I’m a guy, and despite my moralistic pedestal I put myself on, I like to get laid just as much as any other guy. It is easy for me to muse on about how I want a quality woman I appreciate before I want to have sex with her, however that is because I am getting laid. I know a lot of guys out there aren’t getting laid and are at the point of pretty much wanting to fuck anything on two legs. That is because of a scarcity mentality. Of course it is a lot easier to break that once abundance comes. So bare with me as I now return to being a guy with abundance telling you guys without it how you shouldn’t have an agenda. However, I am going to do it with a twist.

Let’s figure out what is so wrong with having an agenda.

Hidden agenda invokes mistrust.

If I lay it all on the line and tell her I want to sleep with her, but put it in the form of a sexual barrier, my agenda is clear and easy for her to see and negotiate her wants, needs, and desires around. However if my agenda is hidden, she never knows when I am going to pounce on her or how I am going to get what I want.

Hidden agenda shows you are not comfortable revealing what you want.

One of the complaints about “nice guys” is that they pussyfoot around with making things sexual. She then wonders why they are talking to her. Is he actually attracted to her or is he just friendly, what is it that he wants? Does he know what he wants?

Hidden agenda displaces the existence of other beneficial agendas.

If she senses what you are really after is sex, in her mind it degrades and negates the possibility of simultaneous goals like finding out whom she is as a person. Not only does it do that for her but it does it to you as well. When you are focused only on getting her in bed it is a lot harder to see there are other benefits and goals along the way.

Think how much easier it would be just to tell a girl up front you want to sleep with her then get to enjoy the process of getting to know her, flirt with her, and having fun. I remember I was so afraid to tell a girl these things when I first started out; I was always worried how to get what I wanted, which was sex. I felt like I had to convince her that was not what I wanted to get it. Weird logic, but admit it, many of you out there still think this way.

So let’s turn this idea of not having an agenda around. Having no agenda does mean live in the moment, you may very well find out you don’t want to sleep with her later. Perhaps she is mean to puppies. However now you are attracted to her and that is ok. After she knows you like her for her uniqueness, a prerequisite for showing your sexual interest, then lay it on the line and tell her your agenda in the form of an SOI or Sexual Barrier. This makes your agenda no longer hidden, and also not so hard to get to. We have a metaphor that a woman won’t get into your car if you are blindfolded. Interactions are the same, she won’t go anywhere with you if you don’t know how to negotiate around obstacles (like relationship status, protective friends, and other logistics). However make it easier on yourself by telling her where you are going and let her help you get there.

The way to a woman’s heart, or at least into her pants, is a joint effort. Let her give you the treasure map. She won’t do that if she doesn’t know you want to get there.

Check out Rob’s blog at: http://robertoverman.blogspot.com

To sign up for this weekend’s bootcamp in Seattle go here

Read what one of my clients in a recent Seattle workshop wrote about the workshop:

Feedback from Charm School posted on Wednesday, April 04, 2007

1) Your Name – *** *******
2) Your event type – Charm School Bootcamp
3) Date and City of your event – March 23-25th, Seattle
4) Overall how satisfied are you with your event – 10 the best!
5) How well did we explaning the method? – 10 the best!
6) How would you rate the organization of the event? – 10 the best!
7) Who were your instructors and 1-10 how would you rate each?
Dan should audition for Spinal Tap, he goes to 11!

Testimonial
I approached the boot camp with some trepidation, but figured the chance to unleash the inner rock star from the Clark Kent exterior was worth the risk. After meeting Dan – a great blend of naughty (think Tom Cruise from Risky Business) and nice (the suave, good-looking guy you would actually let your sister date), I knew I was in the right place. Following an afternoon of instruction, dinner and a power nap, we hit the clubs. I ma de a connection with the second set we opened and am hooking up later in the week. The second night wasn’t as easy, but hell, I’ve never made two strangers spit up their drink in the same night, either! I improved my conversational skills, learned how to make a good connection and have a real shot at picking up a girl I am interested in, but would never have actually done it without the right instructor. Thanks Dan and CA! -J

9) Additional comments to Charisma Arts
I enjoyed working with and learning from Dan over the weekend in Seattle. Any doubt I had about the method was erased after seeing him work the club and kiss close within 15 minutes! After decompressing from this weekend’s activities, I feel more creative, flirty and better able to express who I truly am. Plus, I already have a hot date set up for Thursday!

From
http://www.charismaarts.com/blog/Juggler/172

This is Part I, stay tuned for the QnA session Part II soon

How I met Dan

It was 2 am and the bars were closed. My girlfriend and I were standing outside talking to some people we had just met and she looks across the street and sees Judson, this guy who she had met and connected really well with earlier in the evening. She calls his name and he comes over running in slow motion with his arms wide open preparing to embrace her like in those cheesy romantic movies. After they embrace he asked us what we were up to, then his friend comes walking up to us slowly and he introduces us to him. With a friendly smile his friend puts out his hand and says “Hi, I’m Dan.”. When he shook my hand he sandwiched it with his other hand. It caught my attention because it was different, than most people’s single-handed handshake. The combination of his smile, unique handshake, and how he leaned into me slightly, gave me a good vibe. I didn’t think much about him at that point. He’s tall, with a good build, a nice looking face, big eyes and he was very well dressed. At this time I had just got out of a 6 year relationship 9 months before and I wasn’t looking for a date or a relationship. I didn’t have an agenda.

We all stood around trying to figure out what we were going to do while having light surface conversation and banter. My girlfriend commented on Dan’s expensive designer jeans and he then bent over to show us and my girlfriend playfully smacked his butt. We all laughed then somehow Dan and I started talking about He-Man and Skeletor and all the other characters in the cartoon. It was silly. It was late and seeing that we were having fun we didn’t want it to end so we decided to go to an after hours club.

We piled into my girlfriend’s car and decided to make a pit stop for doughnuts. We got to the 24-hour doughnut shop and three of us got a doughnut except for Dan. He can’t have sugar, or at least not a lot. He explained to me why and I tried to tempt him to take a bite and he refused. I was a little surprised. When I’ve tried tempting guys to do things they’re against they’ll usually fold and do it so they seem cool, easy going and think it’ll get me to like them. But because Dan refused it gave me a sense that he really values himself and has his priorities set straight and won’t compromise much to make others like him. I really respected that. But he did flirt a little by saying he would lick the sugar off my fingers and it took away the shock of his initial refusal and kind of pulled me back in.

Back into the car we continue our journey. We parked the car and walked to the club. On the way I took out a cigarette; Dan asked if he could bum one and of course I let him. It was my second to last one, and normally I don’t like to give out my cigarettes when it leaves me with one left, but I did to Dan. Maybe it was a subconscious sign that I liked him. We get in line and while we’re waiting he comments on my turquoise earrings and said “I really like your earrings. I like the turquoise. They reflect your personality well.” I said “Thanks.” and my girlfriend told him that was a cheesy line. We laughed and I felt kinda bad because he was being nice and I had made those earrings myself so it was a nice compliment. When we got closer to the door there was a trash can near it and Dan opened up the cigarette box and dumped out his cigarette butt into his hand. He said he didn’t like to throw cigarette butts on the street and stressed that it’s his own morals, and he doesn’t impose that on anyone else. While it made me feel a little bad because I had thrown mine on the street and I was a little embarrassed that I did something he didn’t approve of. At the same time it made me realize that this guy is respectful, he does care about the environment and has a nature-loving side to him. He’s a little earthy. At one point he did say he was a hippie incognito. That cracked me up.

When we finally get to the front door we had to pay the $15 dollar cover charge and show our I.D.s. Right before walking into the club I asked Dan if he could hold my I.D., cash and cigarettes in his pocket. He said “I’m not going to hold everything for you.” Again, I was surprised like in the doughnut situation. I’m used to of having guys being willing to do things for me where I expected Dan would hold my things for me. So when he said he wouldn’t hold everything it caught me off guard. It was a little asshole-ish, but it showed me he was nice but he wasn’t going to let someone walk all over him. It also pushed me away a little but at the same time it gave me a challenge. Even though I didn’t know him and wasn’t interested in him it still made me want him to like me. He did end up holding all my things because I didn’t have any pockets.

As soon as we walked in we went straight to the dance floor and danced to old 80’s classics under colorful lights. After a little while of dancing we all decided to take a break and cool off. We chatted for a bit then my girlfriend and Judson decided to take off to be alone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a pool table and asked Dan if he played. He did so we headed over to the pool table. There were other people in line ahead of us so we went outside and shared my last cigarette while we waited.

Our conversation started off with us talking about his clothes. He’s a very sharp dresser and appreciates quality clothes. Style is important to me being in the fashion industry and especially when I see that a guy has great style it’s definitely a turn on. He scored major points there. Soon after he asked me what I was passionate about. I told him music and he put the vacuum on me. I’ll never forget that. He had this intense stare after I said the word “music”. He didn’t take his eyes off me and there was this uncomfortable silence. Immediately I felt my answer wasn’t good enough and that I had to elaborate. So I told him how it made me feel and why music was important to me. By him vacuuming me, I felt like I had to talk more and that he expected a good answer, not just a one word answer and that he was worth a good answer. Even though it did make me uncomfortable it also made me feel he was listening and that he cared about what I had to say. So I elaborated and the conversation continued. Then he asked me what I did for a living. I told him I’m a jewelry designer and he asked me what’s it like to design jewelry. I briefly explained to him the creative process and he SOI’d me by saying “I think that’s really sexy how creative you are.” I was surprised. I’ve never had anyone tell me that me being creative was sexy. Right then I knew he was a little interested in me. It made me think a bit about our interaction differently and where this was going to lead. It didn’t make me uncomfortable, it was a subtle way of expressing that he’s attracted to me without being sleazy.

I asked him what he did for a living and he told me. I didn’t understand at first but then he explained and we got into a conversation about it. I told him I found it really interesting and that it must be amazing to do what he’s doing and he kept disqualifying, [saying something like "Thanks, but really sometimes I can barely talk to the lady who sells me stamps in the morning."] which made him seem real and that he wasn’t trying to be perfect. Soon after our turn was up for the table. We played a quick game he beat me and commented on how well I played. Usually I win, he got lucky that night. Then we went back to the bench we were sitting on earlier. Wet sat for a while and watched the interesting crowd on the dance floor.

While we sat and people watched there was a moment of silence between us and Dan put his soft hand on my leg. I wasn’t sure if I was uncomfortable with it, but not enough to make me tell him to move it. I was a little nervous but at the same time I felt good about him. Then next thing I know I feel his finger on my chin turning my head towards him. He kissed me passionately, our lips locked and our tongues danced, it was amazing. There was no way I couldn’t kiss him back, he was that good. When we finished there was a huge grin on my face.

After sitting in silence grinning for a bit, I mention that I still wanted to dance but I wasn’t going to go alone. Then Dan grab’s my hand and leads me to the dance floor. I thought that was very sweet and cute how he did that. The music had changed to a weird electronic techno and Dan was being silly, he was making me laugh. That’s so important to me and it tells me he’s comfortable in his own skin to be goofy that way. I don’t like it when guys try to be cool all the time. It makes me want to say “Give me a break.” The music was weird so we stopped and walked over to my girlfriend and Judson who finally reappeared out of nowhere. I went to the bar to get some water and because the music was so loud the bartender couldn’t hear me so I had to bend over and lean in a little to talk to him. I was wearing a micro-mini skirt that night and my friend said that she could see up my skirt when I bent over and Dan was flirting by saying “Darn, I missed it.” A little later he escalated and told me I had sexy legs. By this time I had a good idea he was sexually attracted to me. I was still a little shy, a bit reserved and I still wasn’t thinking of being intimate with him even though we had kissed. I had my guard up and wasn’t really interested in any kind of relationship whether it was intimate or casual.

I wanted to have a cigarette but I was out. Some people were smoking on the outside patio and I told Dan to go ask them for a cigarette since he’s the social coach and plus I was a bit shy to ask. He was confident and went right up to some people and came back with a cigarette. He was my hero. He lead us to these two chairs and placed them right next to each other and suggested we sit down. We chat some more about his job. I was still trying to understand what he did, I thought I understood it but I couldn’t believe it. He continues to explain while disqualifying at the same time. We kissed some more, as he caressed my legs my heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe I was doing this with someone I just met that night. But Dan made me feel comfortable and important by showing genuine interest in me.

Soon after Judson and my girlfriend showed up saying that they wanted to leave. By this time it was 6:00 am and I didn’t feel tired at all. I was having such a good time I didn’t realize how late it was. So off to the car we went to take the boys back to their hotel. In the car Dan and I exchanged phone numbers. I didn’t think he was going to call, not because he seemed flaky but because I wasn’t looking for anything I didn’t commit to him. We arrive at their hotel, exchanged hugs and said good night. When I first met Dan I didn’t think much of him, but when he left he got me thinking about him. It was the first time in almost a year that I was interested in a quality guy.

The following afternoon he called me and asked if I wanted to meet for a beer before his flight took off. I agreed and we met an hour later. It was funny, when I arrived at the hotel I was waiting in my car for a long time and he finally called and asked where I was. I told him I was at the hotel waiting in my car and it turned out we were on opposite ends of the hotel waiting for each other. He found me and greeted me with a huge smile and hug. We drove to the W Hotel and had a drink there. It was nice to see him in the daytime. He looked really cute and stylish. I was nervous and giddy inside but he made me comfortable and got me to laugh. Our conversation didn’t feel forced or dry, it was perfect. We both asked questions and answered questions, he disqualified plenty. It was a balanced exchange. He flirted with me lightly and mentioned how shy and reserved I was the night before. That immediately made me feel I had to prove him wrong and show that I wasn’t this shy and reserved girl he thought I was. I got a little defensive and flirtatious and said I wasn’t and that I do have a wild side and I’m not the kind of girl he thinks I am. Then he challenged me and said that I would have to show him that side the next time we see each other. That got me more interested in him and made me want to see him again for another date.

We only met for about an hour and it was time to go. The bill came and I insisted on paying. I don’t like it when guys pay for my drinks or dinner on the first date. I don’t want to feel like I owe them something. Even if it’s with someone like Dan. I offered him a ride to the airport and when we arrived we hugged goodbye and kissed. He started to walk away and I had to pull him back in for another one. He made me feel wonderful, appreciated and beautiful that I didn’t want to say goodbye. I was definitely looking forward to the next time we could meet. All the flirty texts and calls I received in the meantime, made me wonder what our next meeting would be like. I was not disappointed, it turned out to be quite a spicy night the next time I saw him. The rest is history.

So I usually don’t write field reports because I find them more an exercise in self-aggrandizing than actually any help to people. However this is an experience that I found really fun and has led me to someone I am really interested in yet could have never attracted in the past. Hopefully you can see how I implement the Charisma Arts method in this interaction.

My clients this last weekend opened up a group of four girls and in very little time were connecting and having a lot of fun talking to all of them. I in my usual fashion look most of the time like a complete loser standing on the outskirts being anti-social. Of course that is mainly because I am observing and want to give my whole attention to my clients rather than get into conversations with people that will just distract me from my job at hand.

After about one or two hours of talking to them, the most confident beautiful girl of the group, asks my clients why I am sitting all the way over there and not talking with them. She had already figured out I was connected to the guys in some way. She with an enticing come hither hand gesture, motions me to join them. I look at her for a second and ignore her and turn back to one of the alumni that was out with us that night. She now decides to rectify the situation by marching directly over and asking us why we weren’t joining our friends and her group, and why we were just sitting here alone. I immediately Disqualify and say with a sly grin and a tone that says I’m full of it, “Ya, I enjoy being kind of a loser like that, I’m not a very social guy.”

In a way it was actually true because I didn’t want to have her trying to win me over and ignore my clients; too late. She laughs and starts talking to us. She comes off very confident and starts giving me shit. I throw it right back at her with a push pull, “You certainly are overconfident, [pause] I kind of like that though.”

She says with a smile “you are pretty funny.” I of course disqualify “Thanks, but you should catch me on a Thursday, not so funny on weekdays.”

At this point my friend from that city joins us. He is a complete natural and is immediately being charming and flirting with her. One of my other clients who was not interested in her but was enjoying the banter joins in as well. So here there are three guys including myself teasing and flirting with her and she is just eating up the attention. My competitive streak comes out against my buddy the natural, and I knew we were all being entertaining and charming and she could be attracted to any one of us at this point. I pull out the big guns and connect on a deeper level.

I spread my hands like I am pushing my way through a crowd and say, “While this is all fun and good, its all fluff. I want to know something real about you. What is something that you are passionate about?”

A bit taken aback by the change in conversation, she pauses for a second but without missing a beat says, “traveling, I just got back from Europe after four months there.”

I say, “That’s really cool, I can definitely see how passionate you are about it. I like that about you. Ok, so in every trip there is always a defining moment that sticks with me and is the most intense memorable moment in my trip. What is yours?”

She tells me a great story about her trip in Italy and how incredible she felt there. Then she gets distracted by our group and is about to walk back over to her friends for a moment. I simply say as she is about to walk away “don’t forget I still owe you mine.”

I sit where I was, I knew she’d be back; after a few moments she comes right over to our group ignoring everyone else. She puts her elbows on the high bar table and leans in toward me. “Ok your turn.”

“Mine is sitting in the hammock looking out over the sand in Costa Rica. As each wave comes rolling in, the sound of white noise washes over me and reminds me of the pure bliss I was experiencing. My muscles ached from too much surfing and all I could do was just sit in the hammock and relax, taking it all in.”

Walking over to my side of the table she says “Ok I’ve GOTTA get your email”

I of course use this as a chance to get her phone number as well and we exchange information. Seeing that she closed me I hadn’t even had time to SOI her, after she got my number and we speak a bit I say, “You know your confidence and passion is really quite sexy, I like that about you.”

The real funny thing is that she had been SOI’d by one of my clients just a bit before and she comments how funny that she hears that twice in one night.

She goes back to being a social butterfly and one of my clients suggests we go to another bar. It is getting late and we are close to wrapping up. The clients invite the girls to the next bar as well. When we get to the other bar one of my clients decides to call it a night just a bit early. I spend about fifteen minutes talking with him outside after everyone went in. Who of course shows up to check on me? Miss Confidence is there, checking to see if I am coming in. I bid my client a goodnight and head down into the bar with her.

When we get down to where the others are, I of course see my other client in the group having a great time. She tells me to sit in her seat and she go grabs another chair and puts it on my left just a bit outside of the group and starts talking to me.

We chat a bit and somehow it comes up that I love to cuddle. She playfully asks me how good of a cuddler I am. I tell her “I am way too boney to be a good cuddler. My shoulder is like sleeping on a pointy rock.”

She puts her head on my shoulder and wraps herself around me, “yup feels good to me, I bet you are a good cuddler.”

After a moment she stands up and leads me to a bench seat in the bar a bit away from the group. She starts getting very interested in me and we touching and caressing each other’s hands. Earlier in the night when we were all flirting with her she kept saying she has a rule that she doesn’t kiss people in bars, also that she doesn’t sleep with people until she knows them very well. She again brings this kissing rule up and I decide to have a little fun with it. I say, “ya it’s really too bad you have this kissing rule I guess I’ll only be able to do this to you” as I push her hair aside and lightly bite her on the neck.

As I pull back I say “but that might be way too close to kissing so I don’t think I should do that either.” I return the conversation to finding things interesting about her and appreciating how uniquely confident and assertive she is.

Later I say, “ya, I’m really getting turned on by you and this whole kissing rule is definitely problematic”

She starts talking about her rule again and I stop her in mid sentence. “I’ve got a rule too!” I look her straight in the eyes and pause. She looks at me a bit shocked and apprehensive.

I tell her “See I would love to kiss you right now but I can’t because the bartender is watching.”

As I glance over at the bartender who is clearly not looking over at us, she starts to say something and I turn back to her look deeply in her eyes and tilt my head a bit just inches away from her lips. Then I pull away and look down as I say, “I just can’t, I think the bartender is looking again, it’s my rule.”

She starts to try to point out the bartender isn’t watching again, when I just start kissing her.

After kissing for a while I start to gather information on who is driving who and after a bit of a challenging set of logistics I just am blunt, “So you are either going to come over to my hotel or I’m coming to your house, how are we going to make this happen?”

After a bit of discussion we decide I’m going to drive with her to drop her friends and roommate off at her place, grab her snowboard and come back with me to my hotel.

The rest is history. No she didn’t have sex with me that night but we definitely had some fun until five in the morning when we finally fell asleep in each other’s arms.

1. Go out and manhug 3 strange men. Walk up to them as if you know them and man hug them. When they say they don’t know you, you can then realize it and just introduce yourself and have a quick conversation. I am serious about this, it seems stupid but every client I have do this says it was really remarkable how much commitment it took. That is the amount of commitment you should be applying to every interaction

2. Your new approach to women in a bar. I want you to spend some time looking around the bar with a smile on your face. When you catch the eye of a woman don’t break eye contact no matter what. Smile bigger and make the commitment to walk over directly while trying to keep eye contact the whole way. The commitment starts at eye contact and a smile, not two feet away. Commit to talking to her from across the bar. Every step is your approach with a warm vibe. Conclude the opening with “Hi I’m ______”. That is the end of opening, not the beginning. It all starts with eye contact and a smile.

That is it. Go try it and tell me about how different things went.

The reason texting is so addictive is because it is literally the least intrusive, least demanding form of communication ever created. It can be answered quickly, discreetly in public, and most importantly, it doesn’t commit you to communicating with anyone for a certain period of time. Email is also like this but the longer the email the more I feel I have to write in response. Texts are never very long so are easy to respond to without committing a lot of my precious time. I know when I get a text I may spend more time typing out a message on my cell phone than just calling the person back, but I know I won’t have to be stuck on the phone longer than I choose. That is a very addictive thing. Communication using text feels like it is on my terms, and it feels like that for the other person too.

Learning to text with women is important. Beware though that without tone, intonation, body language, and facial expression there is a lot that is lot and can be misinterpreted. I am careful to never tease too much or say something that could be misinterpreted.

If you are not a fluent texter yet you can still take advantage of this technology. The trick is that if a woman texts you back, you can call her. She almost always answers because she knows you caught her with her phone. Or she will make an excuse why she can’t talk. I text women the first night I meet them when I get home before I go to bed. I often will get a reply and get to talk to them that very night.

My first text is simply “It was nice meeting you tonight, I enjoyed talking about______. I’ll give you a call Tue at 6:30pm.” Use proper English and don’t be tempted to use text speak. It tells a lot more about you that you took the time to write things out. Almost always after the first text she will text me before that time and date. Then I call her when she replies.

There are some important limitations to text as well. I NEVER ask for commitment over text. I don’t ask her out on a date, I don’t ask her to save a night for me, I don’t text someone I haven’t talked to in a while to get in touch again. Also I don’t make outright invitations for sex over text. Make the phone call. Use text to initiate conversations, not to ask for her to commit to something with you, phones are better for that. Women feel if you are asking something of them (booty call, a date, drinks, for them to call you) you should ask them personally on the phone. They see you taking the coward’s way out if you ask them out over text.

Text can turn a flake into a day 2, it can be a great way to flirt, and it can be a nice way to keep in communication with several women without having to call them all to “chat”. Just know its limitations. Be a man and if you are going to ask something of a woman do it over the phone, not text.

It’s about understanding how women interpret different statements. I asked a lot of female friends about this subject and got their translations.

“I’ve been dating a couple people but nothing serious.”
Translation: He is single, has options and is still on the market but i may have competition.

“I’m not into a serious relationship right now”
Translation: He just wants to sleep around and won’t likely commit to a relationship.

One leaves options open, the other is a hard one to work around. If i say the first then I have been honest and clear and don’t have to have any type of “talk” about it unless she brings it up.

If it comes down to her asking me what that means I tell her honestly but with as little information as possible. I know if i was dating a woman who was not exclusive (which I have) I wouldn’t want to hear about it. Women often ask questions they don’t want to hear answers to because they can’t help themselves. So if she asks if i am sleeping with any of them I say something like this:

“If I find someone that i have a really strong connection with, I want to experience who they are as a unique person at whatever that level that leads us to. ”

If she probes further

“Like I said, right now, nothing is serious. I would like a serious relationship in the future and until I find the right person I need to find out about someone and who they really are before i can make that step.”

If she probes further

“Look, I don’t want to go into it. All I know is I want to find out about who you are and get to know you better.”

If she still has a problem with it she usually will want to be my friend. That is just a way in her mind to make it ok that she is still dating me. Most women don’t want to be dating a guy who is dating other women, however they will be friends with that guy. However it is the same thing as if they said they will date you but not sleep with you. She will likely change her mind if you play things right. If you drop her because she won’t “be in rotation” it will confirm who she is scared you might be. However if you continue to be her friend it creates an immeasurable growth in sexual tension that will break in time.

Once a girl sleeps with you hopefully you are proficient in bed enough to have her realize it is better with sex than hanging out with you without sex. She will just ignore the other women and I avoid bringing it up in any way.

Most women I’ve met, will come around. One girl i told wouldn’t talk to me for 2 weeks and had me drive her home the night i told her i was dating other people. Of course at that point i wasn’t that smooth the way i told her either. However after that we were friends and after a month of hanging out with her as friends we started sleeping together.

The good thing about dating more than one woman is usually I get enough sex that i lose my agenda for it. That is a turn on when a woman sees you are flirty sexual person but that you don’t NEED sex from her.

However what i realize is that most women won’t stay in this situation after 3 months. There is something about the 3 month point that makes women have to know where the relationship stands or will leave.

Someone said it best with “It seems like often women understand and tolerate the status quo of not being exclusive, but don’t want it thrown in their faces.”

I always felt like I had to explain everything to women about that situation. To make SURE they knew and were OK with it. Guys over explain everything. Women know the situation from the first time you have that relationship status talk. No more explanation needed. If it is unclear to her then she will ask.

My last point in dating different people is if it is casual for me, I don’t hang out with a woman more than once a week after we have sex. Of course this would be insulting if you were hanging out more than a couple times a week before sex. I’m busy so that usually isn’t a problem.

My only rule is I always call a girl the next day after sex or being intimate, but i never make future plans on that call unless she brings that up. It comes off needy to progress a relationship after sex or wanting to hang out right away. My best case is I can leave a message on her phone telling her “I just wanted to call and say Hi and that I had a great time last night.. Hope you have a great day today. I’ll talk to you soon.”

When in college I can’t tell you how many women I met that had boyfriends of all different levels. One woman I distinctly remember was in a long distance relationship. So I kept my distance even though I was quite infatuated by her. The interesting thing was while I held my distance, another guy she met came in, didn’t care she had a boyfriend and pursued her anyway; she quickly dumped her long distance boyfriend for him. I went to their wedding several years ago. Over and over this happened to me till I gave up and said I don’t give a fuck and that is their problem not mine. That is until I met a wonderful woman who was engaged. I’ll always remember making love to her with that giant engagement ring on her finger. She did end up breaking off the engagement for me however the resulting stress made her shut down, and subsequently shut off towards me. We did not last long.

So from one extreme to the other I have realized where I want to be. My line is a woman who is engaged. I don’t cross it. Sadly married women and engaged women are sometimes the first to initiate flirtation with the intent to cheat on their partners. I don’t let myself cross that line anymore. If you do, that is your choice, however I wouldn’t encourage it.

What I have realized is almost every woman who is worth it has a boyfriend; if she doesn’t she will soon. That creates a dilemma for my ridiculous moral standards. At least it did. Now that I have been studying women and interactions for a while, I realize women have different types of boyfriends. One of my fellow instructors actually had a women call hers a “placeholder boyfriend”. The fact is women place a lot of value about themselves on having a boyfriend. Most, if at all dissatisfied, are more than willing to upgrade.

The question is how do you deal with this and all these women who have boyfriends? The key is first to not have an agenda. When a woman says she has a boyfriend, be interested in that. I personally love to talk about relationships. If she has the perfect boyfriend and relationship, I want to know all about it. I want to know how she got it and how she keeps it perfect. However, women rarely have the “perfect” relationship. If you become uninterested when she says she has a boyfriend then it clearly shows you have an agenda. If you build him up you are actually building her up as well. Women identify their relationships as a quality of themselves. She chose him after all. If you criticize her choice of boyfriend, it appears to her that you don’t approve of who she is and what her choices are. However if you build him up, she will gladly show you the cracks in her relationship. Almost as if she is disqualifying herself, (which women do so naturally) she will tell you about the cracks in her relationship. Your job is simply to listen, and relate by showing the cracks in your relationships, present, and past. Once the cracks have been identified and related to, move on as if she was single however be calibrated and aware by her choosing you over her boyfriend there will be hesitation and barriers. Always continue to escalate but don’t force her. Use sexual barriers as a roadmap of where you want to go. Let her come to you though.

Personally I now love meeting girls with boyfriends. If they are happy, they have a drive to live vicariously through their single girlfriends, and will want to hook you up. If they are not happy, they will keep up the appearances of their relationship while secretly plotting to make the switch to you.

Being genuinely interested in women for who they are without an agenda is the quickest way for them to start creating an agenda to obtain you!

1) I just recently submitted a proposal for a Charisma Arts Expanded course which is essentially an advanced course for clients who have already taken the bootcamp. Can’t divulge too many details but it is geared to clients who are looking to be better with groups of people, escalate faster, have more fun with humor and flirting, and work on their day game.

2) Style consults. Wish there was more fashion advice, or someone who would come shopping with you? I’ve been doing informal style consults for a while but soon will be available to go out on the town in San Francisco and help you upgrade your image.

3) Know any women who could use this training? I am setting up a informal group of women to teach and learn how they can date and attract men more effectively. This will be a pilot group that will probably be developed into a course for women. Email me if you are a woman and would like to be a part of this group in SF.

Socialhitchhiker is coming to San Francisco, watch out!

Lastly I want to offer a free one or two day private for anyone in the bay area in trade for helping re-do my blog. Details of what i want can be discussed. One question I have to all of my readers which i would love your feedback, is: Would you be interested in a members only access to more blogs, podcasts, and special free video lectures? While I still want to continue writing free articles for this blog, a subscription to a members only area with a guaranteed # of blogs and podcasts a month would keep me motivated to posting more and delivering more top notch content. I’m guessing the membership would only be $5 or $10 a month.

So let me hear your feedback! Comment or privately email me what you think about these ideas and coming events.

Dan

So enjoy!

Welcome to the very first Charisma Arts newsletter!!!

Great things are happening here at Charisma Arts. By the time you read this Wayne and Johnny will be internationally known in the world of social interaction. Seduction School, a reality tv show, will have aired in the UK and is probably filtering onto the internet for download as we speak. Hopefully I’ll get to see it soon!

There have been a lot of great new trainers coming on board as of late. These guys are AMAZING! Seeing Judson get the number of a bartender that every guy in the bar had already tried for was a work of art! Matt and Jayson have been on quite some time now, and as soon as we get them to stop hiding from the camera we’ll have their bios up soon. Many of you will recognize Matt’s skill as being somewhat familiar, he’s Johnny’s older brother. Definitely not to be overshadowed though, he is one of our smoothest instructors. Jayson the eternal goofball, has a fun flirty style that disarms every woman he meets. I swear that guy can talk any woman on the planet into sending him naughty texts and pics on his phone. Our international trainers include Eric in Canada, and Locky in the UK. Locky that little devil I have yet to meet, but his stories of unbuttoning a girls shirt right in the bar because he is so un-intimidating are now legendary. Eric our man in the great white north I am flying to hang out with as we speak. I’ll report back what crazy hijinks we get into in the wonderful city of Montreal.

Each newsletter we are going to answer your questions and give you some fun tips, Q&A, anecdotes, stories, and even exercises. We know you don’t want any spam! So it’s all content coming at you. This is Dan (SocialHitchHiker) coming at you from 25,000 feet trying to outrun jetlag.

Q & A

I seem to talk to a lot of women but I never seem to build attraction, any tips?

Attraction is built when you self confidently show who you are and are genuinely interested in who she is. If you are trying to do something to build attraction it will almost always fail. Disqualification, rewarding, and making her interesting, are among your best tools to allow attraction to grow. Remember it is already there. She is attracted to you the moment you walk up; she just doesn’t know it yet.

So I feel phony when I give rewards like “you’re a really great conversationalist”.

Then don’t use that particular reward. Be genuine. Make sure whatever reward you give her it is commensurate to the effort she gave you as well as being genuine. If she says she likes burritos, and you say you are so impressed by her great choice of cuisine, you’re done. Try rewarding on personality traits either explicit or implied. She says she tells you she is a nurse and loves helping people try; “I like that, you have a really big heart. I don’t know if I would ever have courage to do that. Honestly I faint when I see some blood from a paper-cut.” If you are having trouble rewarding, when she tells you something interesting try saying “I like that.” Then telling her why.
I just can’t seem to escalate! Help me!

As one of our clients said “Sexy is the $1600 word”. Tell her how something unique about her is really sexy. Then tell her “Stop it, you’re turning me on.” Continue that game whenever she does something or tells you something unique. “I told you to stop that, I mean we are surrounded by people, you really have to stop turning me on.” Just remember to never use these SOI’s to seek feedback from her. Tell her a SOI then let it go and move on, don’t wait for her reaction. Positive, neutral, or negative, move on to more flirting or more rapport. The key is once you SOI, interpret everything she does (within reason) as sexual. Throwing in some sexual barriers and push pull is also really helpful at this point. Not sure how to do that? Come to a boot-camp or read Wayne’s E-book, it will be the best investment you have ever made in changing your life.

Thanks for reading this first edition of the Charisma Arts newsletter. Here is an exercise for you to try until we hit you up with our next installment.

Exercise: Man Hug a Stranger
Object: Create a committed vibe

Go up to a complete stranger somewhere and with the vibe like you have known them for years and have just run into them. Extend your hand and give an interlocking hand shake (the manly handshake where you basically grab each others thumb and palm) and pull them in while you reach around and pat them on the back with your free hand. Say something like “Hey, good to see you! [man hug now]” When they say something about not knowing you, just say you must have been mistaken and introduce yourself. See how long you can keep talking to them.

Charismatically yours,

Dan (Social HitchHiker)

Are you looking to make more progress? Our resources are at your fingertips. http://www.charismaarts.com has lots of different tools for you to become an incredibly charismatic individual. Download our E-Book and see just how simple conversation can turn from platonic to personal to sexual. Still can’t seem to integrate some of the tools we teach? Try a phone consultation! What a great way to get solid advice personalized to your situation and personality. For those of you ready to have your life completely altered, say goodbye to free evenings and sleep. Our boot-camp will make you so charming, women will be clamoring for your attention and keeping you up all night hogging all the covers. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Charm School Boot Camp instructor Dan Williams — or the Social Hitchhiker, as he’s known in the pickup community, is offering the lesson of the day to a table of men at the Bamboo Hut in North Beach on a recent Friday night.

“OK guys,” he says, “I don’t want to see you alone. You know what we call that — lonesome row. I don’t want to see you standing alone, ever.

[Podcast: Reyhan Harmanci talks to two pickup artists.]

“Also, don’t end a conversation too early. Don’t end a conversation before someone, like, pushes you away and says, ‘Go away,’ ” he says, grinning. “Seriously, you can talk to someone for much longer than you think.”

The five students, ranging in age from 22 to late 40s, and ranging in career from college student to financier, nod. Their faces are tight. Each has paid $1,600 to spend two and half days learning the art of the pickup from Charisma Arts, a company founded by one of the best-known names in the pickup world, Wayne Elise, a.k.a. Juggler. They have spent most of Friday afternoon in a small room in the Westin St. Francis Hotel, getting to know each other, their instructors and the basic tenets of the Juggler method. They’ve learned some new words — “kino” means touching, “PUA” means “pickup artist,” “SOI” means “statement of interest,” “the vacuum” is the space in conversation that happens after you ask a question. They’re role-played and checked in about their feelings. They’ve asked many, many questions. Some have taken notes.

But now it’s time to take those lessons into the field.

While the venue’s atmosphere screams “party” with red lights, tiki torches and dance music, the feeling at the table is icy. The increasingly crowded bar seems miles away and a hundred feet tall from the point of view of the seated apprentices.

“OK, guys,” says Chad de la Vega, another instructor, sounding like a coach firing up his team of second-stringers heading onto the field for a maiden scrimmage. “Go out there! Go!”

One by one, the men, who asked not to be identified, push themselves out of the round booth and toward the bar. Two of the students pair off and talk to each other while eyeing the crowd. One of the younger students lingers a moment alone at the end of the bar before he takes a few tentative steps toward a woman sitting alone. He straightens his shirt and then leans in toward her.

The two instructors sit back in the booth and nod approvingly. He looks awkward, fidgeting, eyes clearly focused on a spot behind the bar rather than the woman’s face, but it’s still a success. He’s approached a stranger and started talking. He’s on his way.

But as the weekend unfolds, something strange happens: The men stop talking about women. They become focused on a more distant goal, secondary to the immediate rewards of simple socializing. For these five students and countless other men who have been drawn into the “seduction community” by reading Neil Strauss’ bestselling book, “The Game,” social anxiety hinders more than their dating life. They have come together because, in the words of a 26-year-old seminar participant, they “suck at communication.”

And at the end of the weekend, the tally of phone numbers (for the record, the group of five collected a total of three numbers and one impromptu coffee date) doesn’t even figure in the final analysis, as the men go around in a circle and talk about their expectations at the start of the weekend and what they feel they accomplished. “I’m not a virgin anymore when it comes to socializing,” said one happy student.

There was a lot of talk about “feeling good” and “opening up” and “learning about myself.” One man spoke at length about his tendency to be selfish in his interactions, and how he needs to become more empathetic with others. Hugs abounded. The weekend’s mascot seemed to be more Robert Bly than Don Juan.

The response of the students doesn’t surprise the instructors. “We tell people, it’s a little bit of a trick,” says Williams. “They come in here to learn how to talk to women and we teach them how to talk to everyone.”

Charisma Arts is more demure than most of the schools of the seduction community, or as it’s known, the Community. As chronicled in “The Game,” the Community got its start in the late ’80s with posts on online message boards by a man named Ross Jeffries, who adopted hypnotic techniques called “Neuro-Linguistic Programming” to develop a pickup method he named “Speed Seduction.” As other message boards sprung up, other names emerged over the past six years — Mystery, Juggler, Papa, Tyler Durden — who wrote to each other, met each other, and tried to find fail-safe ways to have success with women — often narrowly defined as having sex with them. Strauss, a New York Times writer who abandoned his identity as Neil Strauss, taking on the moniker “Style,” brought that world to the mainstream with his Times article and book, which has been optioned as a movie.

Unlike the routine-heavy Mystery method, the aggressive cocky-funny David D’Angelo method, the hypnotic Speed Seduction technique or any number of copy-cat sites, Charm School focuses on the elusive goal of “being yourself.”

On the first afternoon, de la Vega laid out the fundamental rule of the Juggler method: Everyone is interesting. “It’s your job to find out what’s unique and special about everyone you talk to,” de la Vega says, as the group stares at him. “We don’t teach routines. And we don’t want you to be performing all the time — the conversation should be 50-50. You can have girls laughing and laughing but if they don’t put in any effort, they’re not committed. It’s like a TV show — you can always turn it off.”

Once the “set” is opened, the name of the game is reward and escalate; with every step forward conversationally, there should be steps forward physically (kino!). But the emphasis remained on conversational skills that would pertain equally to men and women. It wasn’t until the third and final day that flirting techniques were put forth — the “push and pull,” where positive statements are couched as negative to create humor or tension, and “sexual barriers” are introduced, as in “I want to kiss you but I’m afraid too many people are watching.”

“I’m not going to lie,” Williams said. “I’m a man and I want sex and I’m probably going to want it faster than the woman. But this is a respectful way of making my intentions known.”

After a long Friday in the classroom, and Friday night in the field, where the group hopped to the Velvet Lounge after spending time at the Bamboo Hut, Saturday brought no relief for the guys. This is Boot Camp, after all. After the events of the night were parsed through at a coffee shop (no one did more than converse with their quarry, although all the men reported increased confidence after being forced to interact with strangers for three hours), it was time for a new lesson: daytime pickups. The troop headed over to Borders off Union Square to start chatting up book lovers.

With its structured rules, tight hierarchy and reliance on code words, the seduction game reeks of adolescent male bonding rituals. As Strauss notes in “The Game,” “There is nothing more bonding than picking up girls together. It is the basis for great friendship. Because afterward, when the girls are gone, you can finally give each other the high-five you’ve been holding out since you met them … It’s not just the sound of skin hitting skin; it’s the sound of brotherhood.”

The successful professional PUAs, such as Juggler, recognize this and to some degree exploit it: all three instructors of Charm School Boot Camp were at one time customers of Charm School Boot Camp. Graduates of Boot Camp have access to private message boards where they can ask questions and tell stories of life post Boot Camp as well as a one-hour phone call with an instructor. The instructors say it’s common for graduates to keep in touch and to hang out long after the seminar is over.

As for this group, it seems unlikely that any PUAs will emerge. All the participants said that the lack of routines or complicated manipulations were what attracted them to the Juggler method in the first place. But it’s easy to see how one could get seduced by the seduction game. In an e-mail sent a week after the course, the 26-year-old student raves, “I went from a guy who was scared to talk to a stranger because I didn’t know what to say, to a guy who is scared to talk to a stranger because the stranger is gonna start opening up and it’s just so odd to me since I have never in my life had people open up to me,” but ends the e-mail on a darker note.

“The only thing I’m scared of every minute of my life after the workshop, is that I will go back to being my old self,” he says. The solution to that problem? He will “keep working on the method.”

E-mail Reyhan Harmanci at rharmanci@sfchronicle.com.

So I quickly started to tell women I was an asshole, so I wouldn’t be put in the friend zone or be confused as a “Nice Guy”. I even came up with this routine about the nice guy vs. asshole. Nice guys were wimps, assholes had no respect, and I was a reformed nice guy that is now a respectful asshole. It worked for me for the most part. I could then stand up to a woman and not supplicate. I even had an excuse if she pressed it; I’m just an asshole. It was a bit of a disqualification as well.

After a while I learned that I was not going to cater to the whims of females. I would do things only because I truly wanted to do them. I became confident in standing up to women when they were trying to manipulate me into things. That is a very attractive thing to a woman; when you can stand up for yourself against them. Women are driven to emasculate men, but they do so always hoping you will stand up for yourself. If not, they get what they want anyway, although their attraction to you is a lot less.

Eventually I stopped worrying about being an asshole and I turned back into a nice guy. Most women I meet say how much of a nice guy I am. There is something different though. The difference is I can be a nice guy as long as I stand up for myself and know what I want. I am respectful and do numerous things for the women I am dating. I am just confident in making sure there is always an equal exchange of energy into the relationship. I don’t hold her on a pedestal and I knock myself off the pedestals she puts me on.

So I guess you can be a nice guy. What you don’t want to be is an insecure wimp. Stand up for yourself and make sure there is an equal exchange in all of your interactions. Be confident and clear in your interactions and you won’t be the wimpy nice guy.

Sexual barriers are amazing; they let you get away with saying the most over the top things but do it in a way that makes it easier. Sexual barriers tend to work really well when you do push pull. I always wondered how some of the naturals got away with saying some of the explicitly sexual things they said to women without being slapped. Now I understand so much better. It really is about using push pull to introduce an idea into a woman’s head but then taking away the shock of it.

“I really just can’t stop thinking about my tongue running up the inside of your thigh, however I just met you and I really can’t tell you that.”

I watched Life is Beautiful this weekend and I realized how amazing his seduction of his wife was. He was fun and interesting and at the end of his date he says something to the affect of:

“I want to make love to you so badly, however I realize if I told you that it would be completely absurd and I absolutely wouldn’t tell you that. In fact it would take an army to torture me before I told you how much I want to make love to you. I definitely couldn’t tell you that.”

What a great line. This is the essence of a sexual barrier. You tell her what you would like, whether it is a kiss or wanting to make love to her, and then you put up a small speed bump like barrier as to why that can’t happen. You want her to break down your barrier. If you leave it just saying what you want, you put so much pressure for her to have to accept it or deny it, she won’t commit to accepting it. However if you put it out there and almost pull it back, she doesn’t have to commit to it. It does put the idea in her head and make it known that is what you want.

The same thing goes with push pull as sexual barriers, you don’t want to end on a push or make the barrier so high she won’t try to overcome it.

“You are really sexy; if I had my way I’d take you home right now, but since I just met you I absolutely can’t. Not in a million years would I sleep with you the first night I met you.”

That isn’t a sexual barrier, it is the Berlin wall; she will have to change an entire political regime just to try to scale it. Try something like this:

“You are really sexy, I honestly can’t stop thinking about taking you back to my place, even though it seems like we know each other so well, I have to remind myself we only met tonight.”

This lays down the idea of coming home with you tonight, but also sets a small barrier that makes her want to overcome her own worries about not knowing you well enough and seeming desperate. You just showed her you are worried about the same thing so she won’t feel so bad revealing to you how much she wants to go home with you as well.

Sexual barriers are powerful from the beginning of the interaction to the end. When you want to kiss her you can use this:

“Honestly I have been looking at your lips for the last ten minutes and can’t stop thinking about kissing you, but all these people are watching so it might have to wait till later.”

All the way to her having last minute resistance to sex:

“You’re right, we shouldn’t do this. Honestly, it would probably be too much for us both if you felt my hand skirting the top of your jeans sliding down to feel the warm wetness inside your legs. It might just drive us both crazy as I slip my hand inside you and you arch your back writhing in pleasure as you feel yourself getting closer to orgasm.”

Sexual barriers increase the sexual tension in an interaction. They also create a fun flirty vibe that is so important in escalation. Remember that unlike men, women are turned on by the idea of sex much more than the visual component of seeing a hot guy. Most men are turned on instantly if they see a hot woman. Women need the mental component to turn them on. Sexual barriers do that. If you are looking to learn how to escalate an interaction faster, take a risk and start introducing sexual barriers.

Push pull is often defined with a clear example, “I usually don’t date blondes, but i’ll make an exception for you.” It is the classic push them a bit away then pull them in closer. This accomplishes so much when interacting with people. It adds spice to the interaction. No one wants to know they have won your affection and don’t have to work for it anymore. Push pull integrates that idea of keeping distance in an interaction while still connecting. It is a productive game of cat and mouse you might say.

I always hated that part of an interaction. You know the part where you aren’t supposed to show interest too early or too strongly. I could never figure out the balance of being aloof and interested. Push Pull creates this powerful feeling of her not knowing exactly where she stands with you, but knowing you are interested. It also creates a wonderful playful vibe that let’s you say things you might be scared to say. It allows you to play the game of “hard to get” but deepening and escalating the interaction as well.

“Normally i wouldn’t even think of taking you home on the first night i met you, however you are making me seriously reconsider.”

The most important thing is to never end on a Push. The idea is you wouldn’t want to say:

“I could definitely imagine you and I getting to know each other in a very sensual way, however i absolutely won’t do that with you in a million years.”

Yes I know a bit dramatic, but it shows my point.

If you are good with your intonation you can actually end on a push but imply you are full of it and are actually, with smile, body language and tone, pulling her closer. My one warning here though, is lose the sarcasm. Sarcasm degrades social interactions if there is even the slightest misunderstanding. Sarcasm is saying something good and meaning something bad.

“I just love how incredible the bartenders are here, fastest i’ve seen in a long while.” And really meaning you are upset with the service. While sarcasm can be fun and interesting it really sets up a bad precedent. It implies that there are some times when you are saying good things, that you are actually meaning good by, but there is always a chance you are being negative and sarcastic. That inconsistency creates discomfort in an interaction. I remember being on a road trip with a couple of female friends that were incredibly sarcastic. So much so you never knew if they were being kind to you or cutting you down. Even they had to periodically ask each other whether the other one was serious or being sarcastic. What a confusing way to interact with someone, never knowing whether they are telling the truth or just basically lying to you.

Teasing on the other hand is saying something bad and meaning something good. There is very little confusion. If you are a positive upbeat person when you are saying good things you mean it. If you are saying bad things you are probably still meaning good things as well! So when you are teasing you are actually creating comfort and connection because you mean good things about the person.

So here is an example of each:

Sarcasm: OH I BET your just a sweet innocent girl! (Do you actually think she is a slut? She might wonder a bit.)

Teasing: I know you have a naughty side under that sweet innocent facade. (You are flirting here. Naughty is being played off like it is bad but your showing you like it when she is naughty, and on top of that you are also calling her sweet and innocent in a sly way.)

Push pull can be so much more then the examples in Juggler’s Ebook. It can also be what appears to be Pull Push but making sure your tone is pulling her in because you are teasing her.

“I like that dress, but I think your wearing it wrong, are you supposed to be showing that much skin?” The key with this statement is if you don’t have a good understanding of how your tone is being interpreted, it could come off very badly. But if you say it in a very playful teasing way at the right time of the interaction it will go over very well.

“Ok, now i’ve said too much, you are probably going to blab my most intimate secrets all over the bar now! How are all these other women going feel when they all know just how sexy i find you.”

“Stop it, I mean it! Seriously, you have to stop that it is turning me on far too much. No using your feminine wiles on me, thats not fair!”

The last two statements are classic teasing, where you are saying something is bad but really it’s obvious it is a good thing. If you have trouble being clear with your intonation use the classic push pull format, if you can use your tone well then you can really vary it quite a bit.

“The way you describe your art is very sexy, you have to stop it now, your turning me on too much”

“You have a very sexy attitude. But don’t let it go to your head!”

Push pull is that magic thing that really escalates an interaction. You are being playful and fun yet are clearly telling her you are sexually interested in her. It creates that confident vibe that you get with “cocky funny” but you can be kind and affectionate. Women aren’t used to guys who can push them away at the same time pull them in closer. It creates that mystery, intrigue and the feeling of “the chase” women appreciate so much. You really will find that the more you use Push Pull the more successful your interactions will be.