I am a sucker for the chase, I’ll admit it. I have lost interest in phenomenal women when I knew I could have them with ease and they were falling for me. I think of several women in my past that I could be married to right now and be supremely happy with, that I lost interest in because of feeling like they were TOO into me. The Balance of interest was just too lopsided and I felt that vibe and it turned me off. With us guys that happens even more regularly as women are even more attuned to our verbal and nonverbal underlying communication

There has to be an element of chase in every relationship, but more so where that comes from is the abolishing of the needy vibe. You must communicate verbally and non verbally that you have choice in the people you date. You are choosing to be with this person, not trying to get them to choose you.

Balanced Escalation is the Key!

The most important lesson I learned is that I don’t need to play games or worry about wether she percieves me as chasing her or her chasing me. If I simply balance the elements of escalation in a relationship things go smoothly. Here are just a few points I consciously think about balancing:

Balance of Interest

• 1) “I’ll miss you!”

These are the words of death from a new person I am dating. Every time in the past I have ever heard a woman say this to me before we were in a relationship it felt like my heart ran out the door faster than I could. When I was younger I actually would say these words and watch a fear behind a girl’s eyes that she could never hide.

Why? Because normally this statement shows an intense amount of need. It is almost as bad as “I love you”, the words are not that bad, it is just that a response is required to a statement like that and anytime we feel required to return that much interest our hearts rebel.

Solution: Be careful with statements that require a response or a validation. Tone of voice and timing are really important. Try a quick take away barrier if you feel like you went to far like “But I can’t tell you that because I don’t know you well enough yet. ”

The Exception: I heard these words this weekend and it surprisingly did not have the usual effect. In fact I loved hearing them even though it was only after I was leaving in the morning after the second date. Mainly because there was no neediness in her voice. In fact there was an earlier statement she said that ran through my head the moment she said “I’ll miss you”. She had said “Honestly I like my alone time. Someone has to be pretty remarkable for me to want to be around them.” For a woman like this to say “I’ll miss you” it became a compliment to me rather than a statement of neediness.

The same can apply to you. If you are truly busy with a fulfilling life with choice in who you spend your time with, no neediness will be projected regardless of what you say and all the dating advice you have ever received should be tossed out and ignored.

Communication Balance

• 2) Phone/Text – Too much, not enough, should I wait before calling or texting?

Nothing is more of a turn off to me if I receive too many texts or worse yet multiple voicemails between my texts and phone calls. Communication is a sign of interest. Too much and you reveal your hand too fast, too little and you are not going to get anywhere. But beware of falsely creating time between contacts just to try to balance things, it will come off manipulative, frustrating, and may make her lose interest rather than get more interested.

I am reminded over and over, if you like someone CALL THEM! Don’t wait to try to seem less needy. If you aren’t needy nothing you do will come off as needy and if you are needy, no matter how you try to hide it, it still comes through.

Review the information in Dating Decoded about how many times to call, when to call, and how to reduce flakes, as well as my 5 steps that will almost guarantee a call or text back! Once you get a response though there really aren’t any rules. Don’t blow off appointments in the hope of getting a return phone or text, go on with your life. Be busy don’t act busy!

Tips: Go back to the sequence I outline in Dating Decoded if you don’t hear from her after a couple days go back to the sequence: Voicemail, Statement Text, Final Voicemail.

If she is actively texting and phoning you don’t worry about how often you are doing it. Just don’t send 3 texts for every one of hers. Keep it balanced and avoid the urge to send the 3rd unanswered text or phone call. Wait a couple days then go back to the sequence and start again.

Compliment Balance

• 3) You’re beautiful, impressive, interesting, and smart!

This honestly has always been one of the hardest things to balance in my relationships. When I like a woman I verbalize that in the form of compliments. This can become overwhelming on a few fronts if I am not careful.

Undeserved Compliments – Telling a woman she is beautiful, funny, interesting, etc, needs to be genuine. She can sense it when you are only complimenting her to try to evoke a positive response. Your affection for her has to be deserved; she may reject the compliment or be shy about accepting the compliment, but you have to establish why you are giving her the compliment.

Over Complimenting – This is a tough one, if she is a high quality woman like you always hoped you’d meet, there will be lots of genuine compliments you can give her. What makes it harder is women are usually HORRIBLE about taking compliments and will oftenreturn a compliment just because you gave her one.. Luckily this balance point you do have more leeway. Rarely will a compliment turn a woman off, unless she sees you complimenting her because you feel she is out of your league or you are trying to get her return affection. Stick to compliments that are genuine and you should be fine. If she isn’t initiating compliments at other times then that is something to note and you may want to slow down a bit in this department.

Pedestals and Status Balance

• 4) “You are too good for me!”

The most stunning gorgeous woman in the world still is insecure about her looks compared to other women.

If you constantly put her up on that pedestal she will feel you don’t actually see her for who she is, or she will just believe you are not good enough for her.

A woman’s beauty is intoxicating for us men! When we meet a woman who we really do believe is above our usual standards we almost can’t contain ourselves. If you really do believe she is too beautiful to be interested in you she will end up sensing that and it will kill her attraction for you.

If this is your issue go rent “She’s Out of My League”. Ok I just really want you to check out my celebrity crush of Krysten Ritter, but honestly the whole movie is about a guy who gets THAT beautiful woman we all dream about and screws it up because he feels she’s above him. Of course his absolute lack of a fulfilling life and any sense of confidence means that this really only would happen in hollywood.

If you meet that woman that is out of your league then beware of “Hot Woman Syndrome” and if she really is that “The One” you’ve dreamed about, realize by putting her on a pedestal you will lose her. Treat her right, be warm and affectionate, compliment her, but don’t overdo it!

Social intelligence is all about developing an awareness of the balance in your interactions. Learn to be aware of these elements and keep them balanced, and you will be able to throw out the rule book and never worry again about playing games, when you should show interest, and turning a girl off because you are too into them.

This is an interesting question. I have seen this a few times from women in my own experience as well as with clients.

Honestly that is my question, why did she answer the phone if she doesn’t want to commit to a date?

Answer 1:

I don’t bother trying to figure out what women are thinking. I try to do it all the time but I find that my success rate is always better when I don’t.

Here is what I do:

Me: So why don’t we grab a drink on thursday night.
Her: Ya, thursday doesn’t work for me.

Me: No worries, how about sunday evening?
Her: Actually I can’t do it then either.

Me: Ok your turn, you choose a day

Put the ball back in her court. Be assertive by picking times without doing the whole “when are you free” game.

If she still doesn’t commit to a time be ready to walk away. Not in a rude way, just confident that you aren’t going to play the game. If she answered the phone she likely wants to go out with you. There could be lots of reasons why she is hesitating, from thinking she wants to get to know you over the phone first, that she is also kind of dating someone else, to just wanting the attention without committing to it. It really doesn’t matter what her reasons are, your action is the same. Put it on the line.

Me: Well, then I guess you will just have to call me the next time your free. It was cool meeting you if I don’t catch you maybe we’ll bump into each other again soon.

This is very polite, not defensive or overtly distancing yourself, but it says something very clear without shoving it in her face; “I’m about to be gone and you will lose this opportunity.”

You will be amazed the lengths women will go to get you back to pursuing them even if they are not that interested. It is human nature to want to be the one who is being pursued.

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Mike: Tomorrow.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Trent: Yeah.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two’s enough not to look anxious.
Trent: Yeah, two’s enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you…
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.

The classic dilemma, how long do I wait before I call a girl. The two day rule became famous from The Movie Swingers. You don’t want to come off looking too anxious and needy and it seems calling later rather than sooner will do that.

One of the biggest complaints my female clients voice is about guys who wait too long to call. This is an example of what goes through their heads:

Night of: He was really cool; I liked him. I really hope he calls.
Next Day: It would be really fun to go out with him, hopefully he calls today or tomorrow
Second Day: Well he still hasn’t called, I really hope he is not the kind of guy who tries to wait two or three days so he won’t seem needy. I’ll still go out with him if he calls but this game is pretty lame.
Third Day: What an idiot, I can’t believe he didn’t call me. If he calls I might even just ignore it.
Fourth Day: What an ass, I hope I never run into him again.

If she likes you she wants to hear from you; call her the next day. If I am absolutely too busy to call the next day I usually send a text to say “It was cool meeting you last night, This weekend is a bit crazy I’ll give you a call on Sunday.” By doing that you short-circuit the thought process she goes through from Yay to Nay.

It is amazing to me how much my feelings for a woman changes throughout the week depending on how much or little we talk. I recently met a woman on Friday and after spending the night with her and much of the day Saturday, her five texts in a row on Sunday made me feel like I needed a bit more distance. As the week went on I think she sensed something and she only texted me twice during the week and didn’t return one of my calls. By the end of the week I was wondering if I screwed up and she didn’t like me anymore and was really hoping to see her or talk to her soon. A small text from her at this point had me jumping to call her and make plans. The same happens for women.

My simple rule is don’t send more than two unanswered texts in a day. If I don’t get a response I wait one full day with no contact and then try another text or phone call. If she enjoys having a text conversation with you go ahead and have fun with it. I just never send more than two texts in a day that she hasn’t replied to, and generally just send one.

You don’t have to play games with phone calls and texting; just don’t go overboard. Call if you want to call, text if you want to text. The only time you will come off needy is if you keep calling or texting if she hasn’t responded.

For more discussion from getting the number to the next step check out: How Many Times Should I Call a Girl?

“It’s all about reassurance. There is a feeling of uncertainty after the first time a woman sleeps with a guy. She us unsure if after she has slept with him does he still respect her; is he still interested now that he got what he was after?” The women in the workshop were all visibly nodding their heads, while he had a look of disbelief on his face saying, “Even if she slept over and I just talked to her that morning?”

It is something that almost I forget most men don’t realize. It is an unspoken rule, call the next day after having sex with a woman for the first time. I have had almost every girlfriend I have ever had thank me up and down for this simple act. For many women the most vulnerable time in the entire relationship is after the first time they have sex with a man. If they have any intention of wanting to see you again and it wasn’t just a one-night-stand, they will be wondering how things will go after that first time. Women know us men are in it for the sex. The question is if all the interest we have shown in her was in addition to that goal, or just as a means to get her in bed.

A simple quick phone call is all it takes to reassure her. In fact, even a message on an answering machine counts. Don’t push it by just sending a text. For me that message goes something like this, “Hi Sarah, I just wanted to call to say hi and that I had a really nice night with you last night. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon. Catch you later.” If you get her on the phone then have a nice bit of conversation. The only things I don’t do is explicitly mention the sex or try to set up another date immediately. If she does then it is fine. The reason I do that is I don’t want to make it appear my only interest in seeing her again is the sex. I then usually call her again the following day and set up our next date.

Ask a woman if you doubt this one! They will all tell you how important such a small thing is. Ladies, tell your guy friends, they will thank you; guys get with it and don’t forget to make that call!