As men we are hardwired to chase and try to win the trophy. We don’t care that the gold color on the trophy is just painted plastic. The same applies to women. If they meet our initial qualifications, little will change our minds about whether we want to pursue them or not. We gave them an elevator up onto a pedestal and her approval is our medal and trophy that we will try for at all costs.

The problem is that the view of you from up there isn’t that attractive. Women are told so many times by our society that they do not fit the level of perfection they see in the movies and in magazines. When you come along and show such an intense interest she is so worried about being seen as who she is, flaws and all, once your fantasy of her is shattered she won’t even take a risk of that happening.

So what are we to do? Keep an eye out for her skeletons. Everyone has em. Remind yourself you don’t know her yet and she might end up being psycho of the year! Reel yourself back in, show more interest in her when she reveals things you like and don’t OVER compliment her when she is not giving you anything worth complimenting on.

I follow one simple rule. She gets no more and no less than any other girl I have dated that I was mediocre about. I have a particular woman in mind usually that I dated and did nice things for occasionally but in general didn’t go out of my way to try to impress. If I find myself going overboard and trying to impress her or acting too smitten, I reel it back. This doesn’t mean acting like an ass and not calling her back or not showing that you do want to see her, it is just a yardstick to avoid going overboard.

Good luck and keep her off your pedestal!

Cheating happens with men for several reasons. Men do have some genetic proclivity for spreading their genes among different partners. However I do not believe that is a major influence on our behavior in the modern world. Men do fantasize about being with many different women. I don’t think there is a man out there who wouldn’t if given the opportunity go through a period of having sex with multiple women at the same time and different times if there was no consequence. Many men secretly resent the fact that in their lives women have always chosen them and they have not had the choice with what women they want to be with. One of the biggest motivations for men coming to my workshops is to have more choice of women they enter relationships with, not just take the one who says yes to them.

I actually encourage men to take some time and don’t get in a relationship right away. Date around and have multiple casual relationships for a while. If men don’t do that they often will always have the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome. “Sowing your wild oats” is an old phrase that clearly shows this is something men have done for a long time, and may need to do. Once they have dated around then they quickly realize a loving relationship is preferable to being a bachelor and they can be happier in a relationship without wandering.

While my personal experience the only cheating I have done was with someone who I had poorly defined relationship boundaries with. We were in an open relationship and I had sex with a woman when I got drunk on New Years Eve. My girlfriend and I at the time had talked about becoming exclusive but she still had not moved back to where I was living. I told her about my indiscretion the very next morning and our relationship was finished for good.

Ambiguous Relationship Situation

If we do not respect our partner or the boundaries of our relationship are blurry (broken up, working things out, time or distance separation) and the opportunity arises, men will cheat if they think they can get away with it. This was my reason. I really didn’t want to be in a relationship but I didn’t think I could find better. I rationalized because we were in an ambiguous situation I could still do it without consequences.

Our Fantasy Woman

Most men I have talked to will cheat at the drop of a hat if a woman so far above our league gives us the opportunity to. This comes from the resentment of men feeling they have settled with a woman they can get and not having the opportunity to choose women who are perceived out of their league. This is why men with more experience can sometimes be more faithful than men with less because they have been with their “10” and realize there is more to a woman than her looks.

Self-Sabotage

I would say this is one of the strongest reasons people in general cheat, both men and women. If people are unhappy yet are not willing to voice that, sooner or later they will subconsciously or consciously sabotage the situation. It is always easier to be broken up with than do it yourself if you want out. Cheating is often the reason we manifest to get out of an un-happy relationship. We feel trapped and human nature when feeling trapped and restricted is to try to get free. Also a jealous partner only makes us feel even more trapped, especially if we have been faithful. Jealousy shows a lack of trust. Some women feel jealousy shows men they care; to us it signals distrust. I have often said to other men about my girlfriends “If someone can take her away from me they can have her. It is her choice to be with me.” My lack of jealousy and restriction shows respect to her and the more I respect her the more likely she will not want to jeopardize that trust.

My view on relationships is a bit different. I set forward when I decide to get into an exclusive relationship that I cannot choose her fidelity for her. I give her complete freedom to choose to be with me or not. I of course will make my choices if she chooses to be unfaithful and those of course are the natural consequences of her actions. However I am not saying I forbid her or put any restrictions on her that are not of her own choosing. I also believe that it is my choice whether to be faithful and I have to choose that. All actions have consequences and those consequences are from my actions not from any restriction she puts on me. This may seem like play on words but what it does is remind each of us we are free to do whatever we want. It is only us that choose our actions; restrictions from outside will only make us rebel against them.

I also do believe in people making mistakes. During rough spots in relationships, with too much alcohol, and the opportunity arises it is easy to make a mistake. I want to know that I have the option to forgive infidelity because I didn’t put restrictions on someone. If I say “I’ll leave you if you cheat on me” up front and they knew that when they did it, I paint myself into a corner. I won’t regain any respect from them from taking them back and in fact could be encouraging them to do it again. However if I am facing that choice knowing it was their own restrictions they violated, I am much more free to be strong and see the situation out to whatever end. I may not take them back, but at least now the stage is set for me choose for myself.

Only communication will get you through infidelity and prevent it. Strong communication about the good times and bad will be what holds a relationship together. It may seem hard to talk about it when things are going badly, but that is when it is most important to do so. If one person or the other is not willing to communicate or get some help communicating, trouble is in the future.

“It’s all about reassurance. There is a feeling of uncertainty after the first time a woman sleeps with a guy. She us unsure if after she has slept with him does he still respect her; is he still interested now that he got what he was after?” The women in the workshop were all visibly nodding their heads, while he had a look of disbelief on his face saying, “Even if she slept over and I just talked to her that morning?”

It is something that almost I forget most men don’t realize. It is an unspoken rule, call the next day after having sex with a woman for the first time. I have had almost every girlfriend I have ever had thank me up and down for this simple act. For many women the most vulnerable time in the entire relationship is after the first time they have sex with a man. If they have any intention of wanting to see you again and it wasn’t just a one-night-stand, they will be wondering how things will go after that first time. Women know us men are in it for the sex. The question is if all the interest we have shown in her was in addition to that goal, or just as a means to get her in bed.

A simple quick phone call is all it takes to reassure her. In fact, even a message on an answering machine counts. Don’t push it by just sending a text. For me that message goes something like this, “Hi Sarah, I just wanted to call to say hi and that I had a really nice night with you last night. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon. Catch you later.” If you get her on the phone then have a nice bit of conversation. The only things I don’t do is explicitly mention the sex or try to set up another date immediately. If she does then it is fine. The reason I do that is I don’t want to make it appear my only interest in seeing her again is the sex. I then usually call her again the following day and set up our next date.

Ask a woman if you doubt this one! They will all tell you how important such a small thing is. Ladies, tell your guy friends, they will thank you; guys get with it and don’t forget to make that call!

There are two common ways we put too much pressure on other people in romantic situations. The qualifications we put on someone and the situation we create. A broader topic that also adds pressure that I will likely go into in another blog is neediness and acting like there is more to the relationship too quickly.

“A man has to be ok with cats” or “Being ok with me riding my motorcycle is a must.” These statements are deal breaker statements. These are good to put out there really early. Whether it is about kids, lifestyle needs, or even personality traits, saying up front what you’re not ok with is a good thing. If someone isn’t ok with it you should know that soon. “I want a man who is really funny who always has me laughing” or “I want a woman who has a natural beauty that she just wakes up looking good”. These are statements that put a lot of pressure on someone. If you really want something like that keep it to yourself and if they are not that then find someone else. By voicing your qualifications you create a pedestal for that person. They will be worried whether they can even make it onto your pedestal, and if they do, when will they fall off of it. In our workshops we talk about how disqualification can help you avoid the problem of qualification altogether.

The situation we put people in can also be a tremendous source of pressure. Understanding all the ways we set up people to feel pressured can be a very difficult thing to understand and correct. Identifying common situations first is the key. Let’s take the common example of the dinner date. This situation puts way too much pressure on both people, especially for the first date. The man is often expected to choose the restaurant, which will likely reflect on his financial situation. If the date is in an unfamiliar place, then the pressure increases choosing a restaurant neither may be familiar with. If he picks one where he goes often, she is left wondering if he takes all his dates there. A woman has to very carefully choose what she will wear hoping it will be appropriate to the classiness of the restaurant. Also her outfit should not reflect poorly on her date, either by being overdressed in relation to, or be risqué. Of course with all of that she wants to still look beautiful and attractive. Of course then who is expected to pay? Is going Dutch ok these days? If he does pay and it’s on a first date, what does he expect in return? With this being the stereotypical first date it is no wonder people have dating problems. Meeting for coffee or drinks for a first date is much more of a low-pressure situation. Dinner can come later when you both feel more comfortable around each other.

Think about what qualifications you voice to other people and what situations you get into that put pressure on yourself and others. There is a pressure relief valve in any situation; the challenge is to find it!

It’s about understanding how women interpret different statements. I asked a lot of female friends about this subject and got their translations.

“I’ve been dating a couple people but nothing serious.”
Translation: He is single, has options and is still on the market but i may have competition.

“I’m not into a serious relationship right now”
Translation: He just wants to sleep around and won’t likely commit to a relationship.

One leaves options open, the other is a hard one to work around. If i say the first then I have been honest and clear and don’t have to have any type of “talk” about it unless she brings it up.

If it comes down to her asking me what that means I tell her honestly but with as little information as possible. I know if i was dating a woman who was not exclusive (which I have) I wouldn’t want to hear about it. Women often ask questions they don’t want to hear answers to because they can’t help themselves. So if she asks if i am sleeping with any of them I say something like this:

“If I find someone that i have a really strong connection with, I want to experience who they are as a unique person at whatever that level that leads us to. ”

If she probes further

“Like I said, right now, nothing is serious. I would like a serious relationship in the future and until I find the right person I need to find out about someone and who they really are before i can make that step.”

If she probes further

“Look, I don’t want to go into it. All I know is I want to find out about who you are and get to know you better.”

If she still has a problem with it she usually will want to be my friend. That is just a way in her mind to make it ok that she is still dating me. Most women don’t want to be dating a guy who is dating other women, however they will be friends with that guy. However it is the same thing as if they said they will date you but not sleep with you. She will likely change her mind if you play things right. If you drop her because she won’t “be in rotation” it will confirm who she is scared you might be. However if you continue to be her friend it creates an immeasurable growth in sexual tension that will break in time.

Once a girl sleeps with you hopefully you are proficient in bed enough to have her realize it is better with sex than hanging out with you without sex. She will just ignore the other women and I avoid bringing it up in any way.

Most women I’ve met, will come around. One girl i told wouldn’t talk to me for 2 weeks and had me drive her home the night i told her i was dating other people. Of course at that point i wasn’t that smooth the way i told her either. However after that we were friends and after a month of hanging out with her as friends we started sleeping together.

The good thing about dating more than one woman is usually I get enough sex that i lose my agenda for it. That is a turn on when a woman sees you are flirty sexual person but that you don’t NEED sex from her.

However what i realize is that most women won’t stay in this situation after 3 months. There is something about the 3 month point that makes women have to know where the relationship stands or will leave.

Someone said it best with “It seems like often women understand and tolerate the status quo of not being exclusive, but don’t want it thrown in their faces.”

I always felt like I had to explain everything to women about that situation. To make SURE they knew and were OK with it. Guys over explain everything. Women know the situation from the first time you have that relationship status talk. No more explanation needed. If it is unclear to her then she will ask.

My last point in dating different people is if it is casual for me, I don’t hang out with a woman more than once a week after we have sex. Of course this would be insulting if you were hanging out more than a couple times a week before sex. I’m busy so that usually isn’t a problem.

My only rule is I always call a girl the next day after sex or being intimate, but i never make future plans on that call unless she brings that up. It comes off needy to progress a relationship after sex or wanting to hang out right away. My best case is I can leave a message on her phone telling her “I just wanted to call and say Hi and that I had a great time last night.. Hope you have a great day today. I’ll talk to you soon.”