Our society is very hard on women openly expressing their attraction and sexuality towards men. We admonish women who are promiscuous with the term “slut”. Men even call a woman a slut, often as a reaction to being rejected. The societal roles of women’s sexuality is so confusing for both men and women. Women will often act like they don’t enjoy a man’s advances only to end up in bed with him that very night.

As a boy growing up raised by a single mother I learned to respect women, almost excessively so. I was the quintessential nice guy. I unfavorably Judged men who I saw overtly hit on women and were sexual and brash. I heard my female friends complain about these men yet wind up with them every time. In my own dealings with women the moment a woman made any indication of resistance I backed off out of my own idea of what was being respectful. An implication of another relationship, a joke about me hitting on her, to a flirty statement that I misinterpreted, all would freeze me in place. I would not pursue her in my self-righteous attempt to be respectful unlike all the other guys out there (who were way more successful than I). Basically I was just afraid and inexperienced.

Guys, we are our own worse enemies. Start with confidence and go after what you want. If you want a relationship with a girl, that does not exclude being flirtatious and sexual with her. In fact if you are not creating the sexual tension, moving toward the kiss, the caress, sex, you are going to end up in the friend zone. I am not talking all in one night, but if there is not a steady noticible progression to becoming more physical with a woman, most will assume you only want to be friends. If they don’t assume that, then they will realize you are just not assertive and confident enough to be attracted to in that way.

You need to move thing forward to the point where she is saying no or being a bit resistant. This should be a gradual thing as I teach in my Dating Decoded – Audio Workshop. The point is a bit of resistance is a good thing. She is going to do this so you won’t think she is a slut. This is the point to realize these “NO’s” really mean “Not Yet”. That “not yet” may end up being a cold day in hell before it happens, but you need to keep moving forward. Hit resistance, take a step back a bit, but then proceed again in a bit.

Women don’t respond to logical reasoning why you should move the relationship forward. They don’t respond to begging, they don’t want to talk about why or why not kissing should be happening now, you just have to assertively try again even if there has been resistance. Take a step back and then move forward again later.

Don’t give up, No means Not Yet!

Also check out Kelly’s blog at http://www.sexpertkelly.com

Over the years I have been coaching men and women the topic occasionally comes up. Whether it be from a religious standpoint or any other reason there are plenty of people out there that have little or no sexual experience well into their twenties and sometimes even later. Society ridicules virgins; look at the movie “The 40 Year Old Virgin”. It is a quiet little secret that gets even worse as months and years go by.

The inevitable question comes up from clients, “should I tell them I am a virgin?” This is a hard question to answer and is very personal to their situation. I personally did tell her, however it was a situation where my first time was with a friend and we were not in a romantic situation nor did we plan on getting into one. If you are dating someone and have actually made it far enough along that a relationship is likely I do recommend bringing it up and talking about it. Talking about it will bring you closer and is usually very endearing to your partner.

My fear was that they would worry whether I would make too much of it and think we would be together forever just because they were my first. Also I was of course afraid that my performance would be poor and it would affect whatever budding relationship was occurring. These fears are common.

Only you can decide whether you are going to tell the person about your sexual inexperience. Most of the time the conversation will go better than you expect. Most men have never had the experience of being with a virgin and are not likely going to be sent running, and many women I know would love the experience of leading you through your first time. Here are some talking points, examples, and things to keep in mind:

• “I realize it might make you wonder if I am going to get really attached after this. I want to let you know that I am happy to share this experience with you but I also realize where we take things after this will be what they are; let’s just worry about that as we get to know each other more.”
• Admit your nervousness.
• Guys take it slow and stop for a moment or two when you get too excited, try a new position or go slower. Sex is not like a porn movie, slow is good.
• Realize that first times with someone new even for very experienced lovers are often fairly awkward because no two people are the same. Pretty much everything you learn about what one person likes will often be different for another. The best lovers are the ones that focus on enjoying the experience as well as making the other person feel good (not just get them off).
• Ask them what gets them excited and tell them to show you. Don’t get too hung up on the orgasm thing, focus on just trying to make them feel good.
• If you are the one who is hearing your about to be lover is a virgin be very encouraging and tell them anything that makes you feel good. Tell them what they are doing right and if they are not making you feel good suggest trying something a bit different without being critical. Tell them how excited you are because it’s their first time.

The first time is nerve wracking no matter how you end up there. It is natural to make it a huge deal, especially after too many years of it not happening. Be honest with it and find someone who you trust and the experience will be a lot more pleasurable. Try to get rid of your expectations about it and don’t worry so much about what someone else will think, likely they will be pretty flattered you chose them.

This week I received an Email with some great questions:

1. Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time.
2. Is sex really just an act for men?
3. What causes a man to fall in love?
4. Since men arent as emotional as women, how would a woman know that the man is in love with her are is falling in love with her.
5. Does having feelings for someone and in love with someone mean the same thing? If not could you explain the two..

Tune in for the inside scoop for the answers to these questions and a lot more!

“It’s all about reassurance. There is a feeling of uncertainty after the first time a woman sleeps with a guy. She us unsure if after she has slept with him does he still respect her; is he still interested now that he got what he was after?” The women in the workshop were all visibly nodding their heads, while he had a look of disbelief on his face saying, “Even if she slept over and I just talked to her that morning?”

It is something that almost I forget most men don’t realize. It is an unspoken rule, call the next day after having sex with a woman for the first time. I have had almost every girlfriend I have ever had thank me up and down for this simple act. For many women the most vulnerable time in the entire relationship is after the first time they have sex with a man. If they have any intention of wanting to see you again and it wasn’t just a one-night-stand, they will be wondering how things will go after that first time. Women know us men are in it for the sex. The question is if all the interest we have shown in her was in addition to that goal, or just as a means to get her in bed.

A simple quick phone call is all it takes to reassure her. In fact, even a message on an answering machine counts. Don’t push it by just sending a text. For me that message goes something like this, “Hi Sarah, I just wanted to call to say hi and that I had a really nice night with you last night. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon. Catch you later.” If you get her on the phone then have a nice bit of conversation. The only things I don’t do is explicitly mention the sex or try to set up another date immediately. If she does then it is fine. The reason I do that is I don’t want to make it appear my only interest in seeing her again is the sex. I then usually call her again the following day and set up our next date.

Ask a woman if you doubt this one! They will all tell you how important such a small thing is. Ladies, tell your guy friends, they will thank you; guys get with it and don’t forget to make that call!

Flirting is fun, daring, and can be cultivated into an art form. How many times have you spotted someone across the room and felt like a magnet is drawing you to them? They catch your eye, peak your interest and when you try to get their attention and they give it to you, there is that Zing! feeling that rushes through you. The excitement, the newness, the possibility that exists as that moment! There is nothing quite like it.

Flirting serves more than one purpose. The first is obvious-it allows you to show someone you are interested. It also tells us if the interest is reciprocated. It can be a prelude to a courtship or something more casual like a sexual encounter. It can also be done as a form of entertainment, or just for fun. This, unfortunately can lead to hurt feelings on the other person’s part as they may be taking it seriously and not be aware that it is all just being done in fun. However what a lot of people don’t realize is that flirting, whether you are the flirter or the flirtee, can really boost your self confidence. We feel good about ourselves when someone flirts with us because we know someone finds us attractive. And when we flirt successfully and get the message across to someone we are interested in it can feel like hitting a home run at the World Series. Sadly, once we get into a relationship, flirting with our partner is often the first thing to go.

Sometimes, when I am out at a bar, restaurant or other public venue I like to sit back and people watch. I find this fascinating. As a sexuality educator I find one of the most interesting experiments is to watch the interactions between people in these situations. In short, watch them flirt! Next time you are in a bar take a look around and watch the body language and behavior of others. If you pay attention you can tell who is interested in whom, and how successful their efforts are. If you pay close attention you can spot people who want to flirt but can’t quite get up the nerve and the people whose flirting skills leave something to be desired.

Indeed, flirting is s skill that comes harder to some. When that person is you, it can be intimidating to watch others flirt with someone, often the same person you desire, with such ease. They seem like a natural.

The flip side of this, of course, is also knowing when someone is flirting with us. Sometimes we are in our own orbit and completely oblivious. Sometimes we don’t pick up in the signals. Sometimes we may think someone is flirting with us but are just not quite sure.

So, in the next few articles I write, we are going to take a serious look at flirting. How it is done by men and women. Are there differences between the genders? Can you tell when someone is flirting with you? How?

Stay tuned and see…..

It’s about understanding how women interpret different statements. I asked a lot of female friends about this subject and got their translations.

“I’ve been dating a couple people but nothing serious.”
Translation: He is single, has options and is still on the market but i may have competition.

“I’m not into a serious relationship right now”
Translation: He just wants to sleep around and won’t likely commit to a relationship.

One leaves options open, the other is a hard one to work around. If i say the first then I have been honest and clear and don’t have to have any type of “talk” about it unless she brings it up.

If it comes down to her asking me what that means I tell her honestly but with as little information as possible. I know if i was dating a woman who was not exclusive (which I have) I wouldn’t want to hear about it. Women often ask questions they don’t want to hear answers to because they can’t help themselves. So if she asks if i am sleeping with any of them I say something like this:

“If I find someone that i have a really strong connection with, I want to experience who they are as a unique person at whatever that level that leads us to. ”

If she probes further

“Like I said, right now, nothing is serious. I would like a serious relationship in the future and until I find the right person I need to find out about someone and who they really are before i can make that step.”

If she probes further

“Look, I don’t want to go into it. All I know is I want to find out about who you are and get to know you better.”

If she still has a problem with it she usually will want to be my friend. That is just a way in her mind to make it ok that she is still dating me. Most women don’t want to be dating a guy who is dating other women, however they will be friends with that guy. However it is the same thing as if they said they will date you but not sleep with you. She will likely change her mind if you play things right. If you drop her because she won’t “be in rotation” it will confirm who she is scared you might be. However if you continue to be her friend it creates an immeasurable growth in sexual tension that will break in time.

Once a girl sleeps with you hopefully you are proficient in bed enough to have her realize it is better with sex than hanging out with you without sex. She will just ignore the other women and I avoid bringing it up in any way.

Most women I’ve met, will come around. One girl i told wouldn’t talk to me for 2 weeks and had me drive her home the night i told her i was dating other people. Of course at that point i wasn’t that smooth the way i told her either. However after that we were friends and after a month of hanging out with her as friends we started sleeping together.

The good thing about dating more than one woman is usually I get enough sex that i lose my agenda for it. That is a turn on when a woman sees you are flirty sexual person but that you don’t NEED sex from her.

However what i realize is that most women won’t stay in this situation after 3 months. There is something about the 3 month point that makes women have to know where the relationship stands or will leave.

Someone said it best with “It seems like often women understand and tolerate the status quo of not being exclusive, but don’t want it thrown in their faces.”

I always felt like I had to explain everything to women about that situation. To make SURE they knew and were OK with it. Guys over explain everything. Women know the situation from the first time you have that relationship status talk. No more explanation needed. If it is unclear to her then she will ask.

My last point in dating different people is if it is casual for me, I don’t hang out with a woman more than once a week after we have sex. Of course this would be insulting if you were hanging out more than a couple times a week before sex. I’m busy so that usually isn’t a problem.

My only rule is I always call a girl the next day after sex or being intimate, but i never make future plans on that call unless she brings that up. It comes off needy to progress a relationship after sex or wanting to hang out right away. My best case is I can leave a message on her phone telling her “I just wanted to call and say Hi and that I had a great time last night.. Hope you have a great day today. I’ll talk to you soon.”