I recently talked to a woman about texting and dating and she hated getting texts that don’t ask for a specific response. My texting advice has always been make a statement like: “Just had an amazing salsa class, although if i do another spin I’m gonna fall over.” Simple with a bit of personality and energy. She might have felt like “Am I supposed to respond to this?”. Personally I am ok with that. I am not asking her to respond, I am just sharing a bit. If she does cool, and it will lead to a text conversation for a bit. It also puts me in her head if we haven’t talked and we don’t have time for a phone call. If she actually does think too much about whether she should respond or not then at least she is thinking about me Mainly though i use these type of statements when I am trying to keep in touch with more than one person or am between the time i called them the first time and waiting for them to get back to me. If I ask a question over text and she hasn’t even called me back yet, it can come off needy. A statement works better in that case.

So besides statements I think certain questions are OK if at least it is not your first couple texts ever to them. Specifically this is where a closed ended question works well. “Did you end up making it to your Yoga class on time?” “Enjoy your new book?” “Did you ace your test?”

Normally I hate closed ended questions. They kill conversation. However on text they are great; I am not asking them to write a book of a response, just a simple yes or no. The trick is that no one will just write “yes or no”, they will go into a small bit of detail, taking the conversation from there is easy. People don’t answer texts when there is too much needed in return, much like my hated “how are you?” A simple closed ended question asks very little in response so people will usually respond quicker to them.

Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Mike: Tomorrow.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Trent: Yeah.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it’s like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two’s enough not to look anxious.
Trent: Yeah, two’s enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you…
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who’s ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.

The classic dilemma, how long do I wait before I call a girl. The two day rule became famous from The Movie Swingers. You don’t want to come off looking too anxious and needy and it seems calling later rather than sooner will do that.

One of the biggest complaints my female clients voice is about guys who wait too long to call. This is an example of what goes through their heads:

Night of: He was really cool; I liked him. I really hope he calls.
Next Day: It would be really fun to go out with him, hopefully he calls today or tomorrow
Second Day: Well he still hasn’t called, I really hope he is not the kind of guy who tries to wait two or three days so he won’t seem needy. I’ll still go out with him if he calls but this game is pretty lame.
Third Day: What an idiot, I can’t believe he didn’t call me. If he calls I might even just ignore it.
Fourth Day: What an ass, I hope I never run into him again.

If she likes you she wants to hear from you; call her the next day. If I am absolutely too busy to call the next day I usually send a text to say “It was cool meeting you last night, This weekend is a bit crazy I’ll give you a call on Sunday.” By doing that you short-circuit the thought process she goes through from Yay to Nay.

It is amazing to me how much my feelings for a woman changes throughout the week depending on how much or little we talk. I recently met a woman on Friday and after spending the night with her and much of the day Saturday, her five texts in a row on Sunday made me feel like I needed a bit more distance. As the week went on I think she sensed something and she only texted me twice during the week and didn’t return one of my calls. By the end of the week I was wondering if I screwed up and she didn’t like me anymore and was really hoping to see her or talk to her soon. A small text from her at this point had me jumping to call her and make plans. The same happens for women.

My simple rule is don’t send more than two unanswered texts in a day. If I don’t get a response I wait one full day with no contact and then try another text or phone call. If she enjoys having a text conversation with you go ahead and have fun with it. I just never send more than two texts in a day that she hasn’t replied to, and generally just send one.

You don’t have to play games with phone calls and texting; just don’t go overboard. Call if you want to call, text if you want to text. The only time you will come off needy is if you keep calling or texting if she hasn’t responded.

For more discussion from getting the number to the next step check out: How Many Times Should I Call a Girl?

Due to being on the road a lot over the last year I have to admit many times I would meet a wonderful woman and not be able to see her in person for sometimes months. I am a phone guy, with my all time record being nine hours on the phone with a girl. Ok that is fairly pathetic, I admit; however if I didn’t like talking I obviously wouldn’t be doing what I do. When I am on the phone, my conversation usually lasts a fair bit. I often don’t have time to talk on the phone and that is where texting comes in.

Rule #1 Don’t use sarcasm, and if you tease be sure you pull them back in or let them know you are teasing.

I start my texting off with a fun playful vibe and use light innuendo.

Me: How was your night? Mine was fun, though I am just glad I didn’t end up naked in jail.

Her: Good, although your night sounds more fun!

Me: Sure, figures the thought of me naked behind bars is your idea of fun.

Her: Hmm now that does sound fun.

Me: Well, ok, but I insist we make copies of the key. You would probably abuse that situation way too much!

Her: That’s no fun. What, you don’t trust me?

Me: Hell no, not when it comes to my nakedness. I’m just not the kind of guy that likes to be taken advantage of. Ok, actually I really am.

Rule #2 It is ok to be very sexual over text, as long as you don’t make her to commit to it in real life or make her think that is all you want.

Me: You were pretty hot last night. Those sexy legs kept distracting me from just how interesting you really are. What are you up to right now?

Her: I am at work

Me: Really and are your co-workers able to appreciate just how sexy your legs are?

Her: Well actually I am wearing a skirt. My legs are crossed and I am trying to not get too turned on by all this flirting.

Me: Ya that would be awful if I told you what I would want to do to you in that skirt on your desk.

Her: You might just get these sexy legs of mine wrapped around you. OMG did I just say that?

Me: And all I can think about is looking down at you while your legs are on my shoulders while I am having sex with you on your desk.

Her: OMG I am so turned on right now, not fair!! I’m at work!

The anonymity of texting is a girl’s best friend. They will often be far more sexual in text than in real life. Women can get downright dirty in text. The key is finding that moment when she is making an innuendo and being a bit more forward. That is your cue to take the ball and run with it.

Rule #3 Make major escalations in text flirting right after she flirts back.

I look at text flirting like fishing a bit. I cast the bait by saying slightly flirtatious statements and wait for her to bite. When she does, then I take it to the next level. If she doesn’t bite, the statements are kept innocent. Each time she takes my bait I notch it up a level.

Rule #4 Never apologize if she brings up how sexual you are.

If she comments about you being sexual (but does not ask you to stop), admit that is the way you are and don’t be apologetic. What will get you in trouble is if you are being sexual and asking her to agree to be sexual with you. For example:

“I totally want to touch you in inappropriate places, where would you like me to touch you?”

If you are mis-calibrated with this statement it will feel like you are coming on too strong. Instead try something like this:

“I totally want to touch you in inappropriate places, but I can’t tell you that; especially since that is really hard to do over text. So how is work going today?

Both take some calibration to use correctly but the latter asks for no commitment to being sexual or returning that. The thing that makes you come off creepy, and way too overtly sexual, is showing neediness and being approval seeking when flirting.

To learn more about texting and how not to come off inappropriate, needy, or creepy, check out the companion podcast Texting Women also as a special bonus, Kory’s Patented technique for making a conversation sexual.