Face it; we all have limiting beliefs and negative thoughts running around inside our head. They limit us from being successful, confident, and even genuine. These thoughts for many are even completely in our subconscious. It’s time to clean house with our brains.
So many people try to change from the outside in. I see it every weekend. Guys feel if they can just learn a method and approach a lot they will become more confident. For those without a lot of limiting thoughts in their heads this works great. However, for some it makes it worse. The first place to being confident is removing what is holding you back, and that is negative thoughts.
The first step is to just start listening and identifying what you are thinking. This is an interesting experience. If you have ever tried meditation you soon realize there are thoughts in your head that you are totally unaware of. What I want you to do is listen to the big thoughts that are negative about yourself or what you can/should or can’t/shouldn’t do.
Once you begin to be aware of the negative thoughts about yourself it is time to change them and catch yourself in the act. First identify the thought fully. Don’t say things like “I don’t think like that!” Whatever we resist makes it stronger. Instead Identify the thought and replace it with a positive thought:
Negative thought:
“Why would she like me?”
Identify and replace:
“Ok I used to think ‘why would she like me?’ but now I choose to think ‘Why wouldn’t she like me, I am a great person with a lot going on. If she doesn’t like me it is her loss!’”
With every thought you replace you are training your brain to have a more positive outlook. Being positive is such a huge thing scientists are even studying how thoughts affect our health and well-being. Study after study shows optimism and positive thinking alone can bring us better health as well as a more successful life. Once you remove the negative it leaves more room for the positive effects of confidence building.
So try this little technique for changing from the inside out. This was a very important thing that I have done throughout my life to become more confident and successful.
March 20th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Great tips. Here’s something along these lines that have helped me:
http://en.wikipedia.org/w...nitive_behavioral_therapy
It’s real science, as in tested in scientific journals, taught and used by psychologist and psychiatrists. It’s not pseudoscientific junk science BS.
Here’s the book that helped me so much
http://www.amazon.com/Fee..._oe_p/105-9253223-6790017
And here’s another book that deals with exclusively dating
http://www.amazon.com/Int...m_b_4/105-9253223-6790017
Basically for around 5 min a day, or less, I write down my negative thoughts and substitute more rational, logical thoughts. There’s something powerful about writing things down. The Feeling Good book has helped me so much with my self-esteem, self-confidence, procrastination, etc.
If anyone wants any more info, or a copy of the worksheets I made, feel free to contact me thesoulgazer1@gmail.com
March 21st, 2007 at 3:47 am
Dan, what do you do when a presumption fails?
This is what I’ve been doing (and it sucks):
so what fitness do you do?
HB: nothing.
me: you are so lazy! Everyone should workout. I stopped for a few months during the summer and then started going to the gym again, it was great my mood improved so much… [etc.]
This is bad. I am devalidating her choices. J. says people like us for approving of them, and I am standing in judgement, if she’s not comfortable she’s not going to open up.
So what is the template you have for when a presumption flops?
March 21st, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Roll with it.
ME: What kind of fitness do you do?
Her: nothing
Option 1: I understand that, no matter how much i try it is very hard to get motivated. Lately i’ve been going to a rock climbing gym just so i don’t get bored with my work outs. I’ll tell you though i certainly enjoy my veg out time. What’s your perfect day of vegging?
Option 2: See now that sounds like a great work out, you seriously have to make some videos of that work out routine because women would be breaking down your door to look like you do doing no work out routine at all. Seriously what do you do to stay in such good shape.
I relate or I tease. Lots more options but making qualifications on her isn’t so good.
Dan
March 22nd, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Hi Dan,
I think your point about the mind/body connection is important and interesting. It’s the idea of a “mind body connection” that keeps me motivated in school as I work through chemistry and anatomy. I think those are important classes, but they reduce the human body and mind to equations and measurements. For example science is showing that cells, neurons, etc. respond to environmental signals—in other words, how we think—rather than a solely random process based on genetics! I’m psyched for chiropractic school because they devote several classes based on how the mind/body connections direct our health, for better or worse! I just find that so motivating that we have some level of control over all that. Thanks for the post, it made me feel good to think of all this stuff about chiropractic and the connections between the mind and body.
All the best,
Dan
March 23rd, 2007 at 9:28 pm
I think those are really good ideas, and I know a bunch of people who have had serious anxiety or depression problems and who have worked on this with their shrinks. But I wonder: Doesn’t critical thought also allow you to isolate areas where to focus your efforts? Example: you meet a cool girl, you try to connect but it doesn’t click. This has happened repeatedly. You can say “Oh well, I know I’m a pretty cool guy with a lot going for me, her loss.” This is what I tend to do in general because… well, because I kindof just know that and believe that. But maybe there is an actual reason why this girl and the ones before didn’t go anywhere. Surely both, eliminating limiting thoughts and asking critical questions of yourself serve a purpose. How then do you think one (I) can strike the right balance?
Thanks,
Floyd!
March 24th, 2007 at 9:30 am
It’s the difference between optimisim and blind optimism. Being aware of your flaws are great. Even saying what you say is great, just continue to grow and work on this stuff. When you get far enough along you will see your opprotunities and ways you can do better endlessly. If you still have not gained that awareness in social situations come take a bootcamp, it is one of the most important things i gained was the ability to critically evaluate interactions better.
I find my balance by creating positive statements about my worth, yet being aware of how i can improve my skill. The two are not linked. My skills do not dictate my worth.
March 27th, 2007 at 6:00 am
After nearly two years of being familiar with the “pick-up world”, I’m capable of hearing out a fellow’s problems and point out his limiting and misguiding thoughts. Most times you see them miles ahead — classic cases of guys not seeing themselves worthy, guys thinking themselves immoral for making a connection sexual, etc.
Only recently I’ve accepted that I have some of those ugly, “textbook case” beliefs myself. For example: I’m not easy on offering a girl to go on a date, cause I see myself in the entertainer role, or I plain don’t think myself worth her exclusive time.
I know the contradicting beliefs and have some contradicting experiences. I can catch myself on “bad thoughts”, “reprogram” myself. But no matter how often I reprogram myself, the bad thoughts are not replaced for good. At the root – like, if you’d wake me up at the middle of the night and ask me – my believes are still the faulty ones.
March 28th, 2007 at 11:18 am
We all do. I wish there was a magic bullet, but reprogramming myself helped. The other stuff was actually working on my self confidence in various ways. If anyone out there feels they hit a wall with those things I would suggest an actual therapist. They can be very helpful.
Working on oneself is a neverending journey of discovery and re-creation.
March 30th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Really nice post, and so true. But you could take this a lot further, you’d be amased by how much you can change by thoughts alone. I recommend everyone to go to http://www.thesecret.tv and watch the film, it’s great.
August 12th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
someone above mentioned how even though they do this, if u woke them up in the middle of the night they would still have the old beliefs.
My solution to this is to ACT ON THESE BELIEFS, thats the key to solidification, that and of course TIME. You need to keep doing this type of meditation until you are presented with a choice, then u have to choose the path that the NEW YOU would make.
if ur belief is that u dont think you deserve a womens time and can’t ask them out, you will not completly get rid of this belief untill u ACT like the new you would, which in this case would be to ask girls out all the time cause you know ur worthy.
just trying to help.
btw i recommend the book “Evolve Your Brain” if you want much more in depth info and i warn you the middle of the book is a lil boring cause its kinda sciencey, but the beginning and end are AMAZING!