Flirting, according to Wikipedia, is a form of human interaction between two people, expressing a romantic and/or sexual interest. It can consist of conversation, body language, or brief physical contact. It may be one-sided or reciprocated. In other words, flirting is an important behavior when it comes to letting someone know you are interested in them. We send signals. Signals to let someone know we find them attractive, that they have to green light to approach us and yes, signals to let someone know we are not receptive to their attempts to signal us.
Flirting is fun, daring, and can be cultivated into an art form. How many times have you spotted someone across the room and felt like a magnet is drawing you to them? They catch your eye, peak your interest and when you try to get their attention and they give it to you, there is that Zing! feeling that rushes through you. The excitement, the newness, the possibility that exists as that moment! There is nothing quite like it.
Flirting serves more than one purpose. The first is obvious-it allows you to show someone you are interested. It also tells us if the interest is reciprocated. It can be a prelude to a courtship or something more casual like a sexual encounter. It can also be done as a form of entertainment, or just for fun. This, unfortunately can lead to hurt feelings on the other person’s part as they may be taking it seriously and not be aware that it is all just being done in fun. However what a lot of people don’t realize is that flirting, whether you are the flirter or the flirtee, can really boost your self confidence. We feel good about ourselves when someone flirts with us because we know someone finds us attractive. And when we flirt successfully and get the message across to someone we are interested in it can feel like hitting a home run at the World Series. Sadly, once we get into a relationship, flirting with our partner is often the first thing to go.
Sometimes, when I am out at a bar, restaurant or other public venue I like to sit back and people watch. I find this fascinating. As a sexuality educator I find one of the most interesting experiments is to watch the interactions between people in these situations. In short, watch them flirt! Next time you are in a bar take a look around and watch the body language and behavior of others. If you pay attention you can tell who is interested in whom, and how successful their efforts are. If you pay close attention you can spot people who want to flirt but can’t quite get up the nerve and the people whose flirting skills leave something to be desired.
Indeed, flirting is s skill that comes harder to some. When that person is you, it can be intimidating to watch others flirt with someone, often the same person you desire, with such ease. They seem like a natural.
The flip side of this, of course, is also knowing when someone is flirting with us. Sometimes we are in our own orbit and completely oblivious. Sometimes we don’t pick up in the signals. Sometimes we may think someone is flirting with us but are just not quite sure.
So, in the next few articles I write, we are going to take a serious look at flirting. How it is done by men and women. Are there differences between the genders? Can you tell when someone is flirting with you? How?
Stay tuned and see…..
Tags: attraction, Dating, Flirting, sex
November 21st, 2008 at 2:39 am
I am totally blind when it comes to flirting. I Generally don’t notice it when a girl flirts with me. More often than I like, my friends tell me “dude those girls were all over you, why didn’t you do anything?”. Ofcourse they tell me this AFTER we or the girls left the club or whatever.
Or maybe I’m just too shy too acknowledge when a girl flirts with me, and I just brush it off as her being nice and just having fun…
November 23rd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I have to say, I flirt all the time, whether I know it or not. If there’s a woman there, I flirt with her if she’s not totally obscene with her personality. It’s only when I find someone that I am actually attracted to beyond ‘I like you as a friend’ that I actually try to flirt … and it’s then that I become painfully obvious. There’s no covert way for me to work at flirting, but when it just happens, I’m smooth.
I do have times that I’m shy, but those are few and far between compared to my childhood, and I also have a hard time telling whether a woman is interested or if she’s just being nice, unless they are blatantly obvious about it, and then I just think they’re messing with me …
… I wonder what people think of my attempted flirtations? Do they think I’m messing with them, like I think women that are being obvious about it are messing with me?
November 27th, 2008 at 10:35 am
me: I like your smile, what’s you name?
hb: Henna.
me: you look a little weirded out, (we go to shake hands and she nods)
me: Wow your hands are hot!
hb: yes it’s hot in here.
me: I’m going to take you home and drape my laundy over you and you’ll dry it all out.
hb [laughs nervously].
\
me: OK cheerio Henna.
And I can the interaction, because I know 2 things.
1.
She isn’t sure what I want and she wants to know what I want (because I haven’t ‘hit on her’, really).
2.
If I tell her what I want at this point, then the interaction becomes easy for her (she can decline my suit, and I lose).
\
So I needed to resolve her discomfort and uncertainty – her shyness.
I’m thinking a cold read…. but I thought I’d ask here for expert advice.
\
This, I hope you can see, is on the topic of flirting.
November 27th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Well you started off pointing out her uneasiness and did nothing to fix it. She is weirded out because either your vibe is off or just the discomfort of being approached. By pointing it out you are showing that it affects you. The start of an approach you have to stay confident and warm, show that no matter what her reaction you are calm and collected.
The Laundry comment I have to admit would wierd me out. It just doesn’t make sense and is too forward if it is flirting that quick in the interaction.
You need to start a conversation, not run a routine. Show her you are normal and a fun warm friendly guy. She knows you are wanting to talk to her if it is a bar situation. The discomfort is because you are aware of her discomfort and are trying too hard to make it ok.
Confident people lead by setting an example. Be comfotable and share something about yourself and she will follow.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:16 am
Well the laundry comment I’ve made again with a more confident girl it is now ‘Wow your hands are hot. I’m going to wrap you in bubble wrap and put in you in my bag. It’s going to be a bit of a squash.
(OMG girl coding)
And take you home and drape… blah blah blah.
\
Works fine. Smiles, grinning, whatever.
Sure some day it won’t work…. but whatever.
\
Although taking her to my place is rather forward isn’t it… I wonder if I can make more of that twist.
‘I’m going to take you home and screw you against the wall. Like a radiator, and hang my laundry all over you, to dry’
\
That probably wouldn’t help comfort though.
\
What is this plunge into a conversation bollocks.
Immediate stories just weirds them out…. because they don’t focus, they just think the whole time ‘what does he want?’.
\
Yeah pointing out her discomfort didn’t accomplish anything – I knew I had to deal with her discomfort, so tried calling it out\
… so this failed, I guess, and I still need some idea what I should have done to put her at ease.
Maybe used her agreement somehow? How?
\
Telling her about myself doesn’t work particularly well.
Just watch Stardust, you’ll recognise the scene I mean instantly…. that’s how it is…. girls are like ‘why is he telling me this?’.
\
come on Dan, address the issue, don’t pull apart things which work perfectly well….
\
Shy girls – what extra ordinary measures can I take to put them at ease?
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Conversation is the heart of what I teach. If she is doing that then you aren’t being relatable enough. A shy girl comes out of her shell not by teasing her and saying funny things. Someone shy will come out of their shell when you share who you are up front in a confident way. That leads the path for them to do the same.
It sounds like you are looking for techniques more than solid conversational skill. I’d recommend taking some phone coaching if you want to understand the way I do it. I leave the routines at the door and have success by creating a fun conversational vibe.
December 5th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Yeah OK Dan, thanks for being patient and responding politely.
Maybe I’ll come back when I have some things which play to your style.
Looks like your giving lots of free value here…. hope your busy an all.
December 1st, 2009 at 6:20 am
[...] Charisma Tips » The Art of Flirting – Part I [...]