“I like your dress!â€
“Thanks, I like your shirtâ€
Why do we feel the need to give a compliment the moment we get one? Perhaps it is because it reminds us we should have been doing it all along and we don’t want to seem stingy with our praise. The issue I have with it is that a back compliment feels false and insincere, even if it is genuine.
Whenever something feels forced it doesn’t seem genuine. This is a big one that women have done to me quite a bit and it really gets to me. Why can’t they just take a compliment?
Allison Armstrong writes quite a bit about how one of the biggest mistakes women make with guys is not being able to receive well, whether it is gifts or praise. Men have an enormous propensity for being generous. It is one of the things that should be valued about us, and something we want to be valued for. Of course I’m too cheap for presents, so I lavish praise and affection on the women in my life. It is important for me to be able to do that. Men don’t often communicate their affection well so these gifts, of whatever substance, is our way of letting you know how we feel about you. Learning to accept theses gifts is important because if you voice your unworthiness, or put up a resistance to accepting these gifts it is like you are rejecting how we feel about you.
A back compliment feels similar. I know I am just getting the compliment back because you don’t feel comfortable accepting the original compliment fully. So how do you break the habit? I’m not saying complimenting someone right after they give you a compliment is such a bad thing, however it feels much better if it is something of very different quality than the original compliment. Let’s take our original example at the beginning of the article. I honestly don’t think you really like my shirt all that much. However if you compliment me on something of a very different quality it does feel genuine. For example,
“I like your dress!â€
“Thanks, I really like your sense of style.â€
Bad:
“Your quite funny!â€
“Thanks, you are too.â€
Good:
“Your quite funny!â€
“Thank you, and I have to admit I enjoy seeing your handsome smile while you laugh.â€
Remember compliments are meant to make someone feel good, or at the very least show your appreciation of someone else. Compliments shouldn’t be a knee-jerk response, almost in defense to another compliment.
May 15th, 2007 at 1:41 am
I think the best way to accept a compliment is just that – accept it graciously. Say thanks. Nothing else is needed. A compliment is a gift, an honor one person bestows upon another, and should be appreciated as such.
May 15th, 2007 at 11:02 am
I am fond of disqualifying after most compliments but it is always preceded by a sincere thank you.
May 16th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
wow, I know a lady at work that always compliments people, and seems to only look for a compliment back. I used to indulge her, now I just say thanks! I think this bothers her, but she is also very approval seeking.
What would be your take?
Also, have you ever checked out doc loves dating advice?
September 15th, 2011 at 5:18 pm
[...] response. Your affection for her has to be deserved; she may reject the compliment or be shy about accepting the compliment, but you have to establish why you are giving her the [...]