An interesting difference exists in the methods currently out there in the community. So many of the other companies spend so much time in building attraction. Humor and entertainment, as well as tricks, games, and routines, are all used to gain the elusive attraction from women. The interesting thing is most of the time women see through these tactics and see either a confident person underneath all of that, or someone who is just trying to gain their approval.
One technique for gaining attraction is a Demonstration of High Value (DHV), an action or story, which increases your perceived value. The problem with this is it usually is done in a way that lowers her attraction for you. Men and women think differently and value different things in each other. Men see value in other men by what they know, have done, can do, etc. We think women view us in the same way, they really don’t. Yes there is the idea of being a fit provider, however it is not even the things you have or do that show how fit you are. We as men have been trying to impress women since the beginning of time to get them to like us. It doesn’t work when we “try” to do it. While the idea of demonstrating value is good, it is the execution of it that has been flawed.
I grew up an only child, and the way I got people to like me, mainly adults, was to try to impress them by being precocious. I quickly learned the more I knew the more of an affect I had on other people. This even worked to a lesser degree with other kids. However as I got older this being my main form of attracting people into my life began to be a destructive force in my relationships. My value was based on what I knew, or adventures I had, or what I could do. If someone didn’t immediately see my value I worked hard to tell them or show them that. This came off very approval seeking. I had become a confident person with a lot going on in my life, however it was all to gain the attraction and friendship of others. This turns people off in a big way. No one likes people who brag or try to prove themselves to others.
The change that I went through after going through a workshop, was that now I used my experiences and knowledge to relate to other people in the way those things and knowledge made me feel, and how they shaped who I was. The impressive “things” about me just naturally came out when I was relating who I was, which in itself is what really made me attractive to people.
Attraction can’t be attained by manipulation, at least not for long. Learning confidence and how to relate to people in a confident way is why people will be attracted to you. Then it is your authentic genuine personality actively expressed that people will see and be attracted to.
If you want to learn to gain strong attraction by being who you are come join us at Charisma Coaching on a workshop, and we can help you learn to converse in a more charismatic way. Also check out the companion podcast to this blog coming soon.
Tags: Charisma
March 23rd, 2007 at 8:33 am
“Be yourself” is probably the best seduction advice out there. If we can understand what it means. That mantra has been passed around from women to men since forever. The problem with it is no man gets what it means! They think that women should accept their limited social savvy, bad body language, limited confidence and disgusting image. And if they don’t, their BITCHES!
What women really mean by “be yourself” is to stop trying to impress them. The less we try to impress, the more attraction they will feel for us. Thats what women have been trying to drill into our skulls for centuries.
I believe it’s absolutely crucial to focus on improving body language, vocal tonality, style/image and most importantly social skills. Those are things we learn indirectly from birth to adulthood. A lot of the guys who come to this community don’t have ANY of those things. Or at least a limited amount. These are the exact things guys in this community need to learn.
We all need to stop focusing on magic bullet techniques (eMail me if you want the foolproof technique for seducing women while taking a shit) We need to realize that before we can ever hope to seduce a women, we need to become an actual high value person ourselves. Once we have these things, there is no need to work on impressing any women. We have essentially become a high value individual.
And if our only motivation for being here and changing those fundamental things is to sleep with women, we shouldn’t even be here in the first place. If we don’t want to be a high value person with great social skills, body language, confidence and such for OURSELVES, then we’re going to have one hell of a hard time following through with all this pickup stuff.
It’s not just about pickup, it’s about becoming a better person.
Kudos,
Roulette
April 2nd, 2007 at 10:25 am
Totally agreed – being eager to please shows lower value on her part, and we’re putting her up on a pedestal.
Relating to her experiences taps into our humanity and shows what we have in common at a core level, not just what activities we like to do or where we live.
I also like your idea of just assuming that attraction is there because it’s often a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By behaving “as if” she were already into you, she will be because of your behavior. Any hesitation or doubt, and she’ll sense the uncertainty.
Women want to know a man can lead her, and it’s her choice to follow – so by seeking her approval, we’re not leading but instead asking for her invitation to lead.
August 6th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Love it! If you replace “only child” with “oldest child” then that could be a page from my journal. I really do belive that I am an accomplished and interesting person, but when forced to take a hard look at it the reason for half the things that I have done was to have cool stories to “impress” people with. The habit goes farther back than I can even remember, my parents telling me stories about how even shortly after I had learned to read I would brag to their friends about how I was reading books “above my age level” just to bask in the glow of their socially mandated compliments. Habits that are that ingrained are tough to break (I catch myself all the time deriding people for bragging about their money or possessions only to catch myself two sentences latter implicitly bragging about my education or supposed intelectual refinement). Learning to ask people questions to truly learn about them (i.e., to really be present in the conversation) rather than simply using my questions as a springboard for my “please like me and think I am cool and interesting” stories is one of the toughest challenges I have undertaken, but I know it will reap huge rewards in genuine human interaction. I know there was not really a question in here, but writing these things in a public forum is rather cathartic. Thanks for the great insights and for serving as a catalyst for self-improvement.
June 9th, 2008 at 7:31 am
hello everyone…nice tips..
im a lady , maybe i can help here:D
the best way to attract people to you is have attractive face/body expressions (eye contact, a smile, have physical strength)
The other thing you can work on is dress properly, but not overdress as to show that you have worked too hard to impress with your style…just wear decent stylish clothes …because first impressions DO LAST!..so if you wear 1cm thick eye glasses, expect to attract someone the same..just dont be too classic…girls like those who seem active, passionate…and thus they might think youre inactive if you wear classic style all the time!
also, be mysterious….mysteriousness brings up curiosity…
but dont be too mysterious and hide behind a table…be sociable, tell jokes…or just participate a little bit…and say something useful…because too many jokes adn clowny behavior is a big turnoff…and saying silly information will just indicate that you are a silly person!
hoep that was useful
September 8th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Something I think goes well with what you said is what I call the “Legend Effect”. True heroes, legends, etc. will talk about their own exploits, because they don’t need to. It comes off the wrong way. They allow others to speak about the things that make them so infamous (or high value, in this case), which ends up working even more to their advantage – it increases the value or legend that way. I don’t think it’s necessary to demonstrate higher value. Let them assume you have value by the way you present yourself, then the only thing left is to have fun and try not to lower your value.
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