One of the strongest things that attract people to each other is having something in common and being and thinking alike. By relating on emotions it makes it easier to show that I feel the same, and can understand the other person; this creates attraction. We all want to be understood and hope to find someone out there that not only understands us, but is a lot like us.
What a lot of people do when relating is this:
“Wow, I really like that about you that you can just be so care free and spontaneous. I wish I could be like that but I always feel so stuck, and can’t take that time off from work.”
This statement is the opposite of what we want to do. The start is good by appreciating well, but when it is time to relate, a statement on how you are like that is more effective.
“Wow, I really like that about you that you can just be so care free and spontaneous. I remember when I took a year off before college and did a lot of travel I just felt so free and alive, that’s it lets hitchhike to South America right now 
”
My whole goal when talking to someone is point out all the ways we are alike, I try not to point out how we are different. This does not conflict with the idea of disqualification either. Remember disqualification includes both how you are the same and how you are different. Agree and or say thank you to show you are the same, but then you put out a difference as well. This adds depth and shows confidence. The first example in the beginning of this article is just saying that you are not like her, and more so, not close to what you most like about her.
Of course we also don’t want to just say that we are alike without backing it up either.
“I like that you are so into nature, I’m like that too.”
Rather tell them how with specifics.
“I like that you have a such a great appreciation for nature. I just love spending the day out on the bay kiteboarding and really being out on the water and the ocean. I not only do it for the adrenaline, it is also just to get out and be closer to the water, the wind, and even the occasional sea lion I get to see.”
In this world there are so many differences between people, be the person that sees how we are all alike and can understand others, and you will find a very important element of charisma.
Tags: Charisma
June 29th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
I think this is another post that expands CA farther than what’s in the ebook. The writing on this blog is a lot different so it makes sense to break things down logically like this here.
I think after experimenting with reward/relating for a while, I started to fall into this grove where I was not “trying” to relate on emotions, but if I could I would.
Instead I just tried to relate, period, that I’m a similar person. This article clarifies my own perception of what reward/relate is all about.
Good Stuff.
June 29th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Hey Dan,
Do people get mad when you constantly relate everything to yourself which causes you to change the topic every time? What do you do after the topic is changed? Do you ask her a question about the new topic? It seems to me that it would annoy them.
June 30th, 2007 at 3:15 am
WOW, This has given me a deeper understanding of reward/relate. Dan is the man!
July 1st, 2007 at 9:32 pm
No actually i’ve never had any problem with that. In fact it gives them a chance to relate back to me using stories about themselves. That doesn’t annoy me either.
July 2nd, 2007 at 11:05 am
“Do people get mad when you constantly relate everything to yourself which causes you to change the topic every time?”
No, people always, ALWAYS, appear more interested when you start relating your experience. TBH seeing this is weird, but wonderful. A couple of times my C+F attempts, to their response, has flopped, and I-perspective saved me. It’s solid.
When you have a talker, which rocks, it’s kind of weird because they give you no space to relate, just storm forward. Generally I interrupt to put my experience in, but dunno if that’s the best thing. I think somewhere J. may have said ‘just let them talk, to get it off their chest’? Yay for talkers anyway.
Dan, it would be really super if you could give us like half a dozen examples of going from ‘HELLO!’ to ‘I like you, your…’. Ideally showing how you do this in a group situation at home in San Fran. They don’t have to be all that accurate just illustrative.
July 2nd, 2007 at 3:48 pm
“What you do with ‘talkers’?”
“Don’t people get pissed when you change the subject?”
…
Guys, you’re getting into a bad frame of thought here. You learned this new thing… and then right away you start looking for ways to apply it to better please people.
Yeah well… if you try talking to all sorts of people and you’re consistently not doing too well, seen as a weirdo etc., then maybe you should work on your style, your “people-pleasing skills”. But somehow I think many guys would just study to be better conversationalists for sake of their bitch-self underneath craving please and to be likable, LIKE THEY ALWAYS DID. Hey, I’m talking of myself here, but whoever will empathize…
Oh, and from people-pleasing it’s a short path down to trying to become a PRO SMOOTH-TALKER, the kinda skill you need to sell encyclopedias door-to-door.
Heck, if I ever caught any girl I talked to trying to smooth-talk me; say, I was a lousy conversation or “not opening up” so she’d keep trying… yes, not to the extent of filling up “vacuum space”, cause we all do that, but more along the lines of what we’re talking about here, “chatting someone up”… anyway, if I felt a girl is doing this, that’ll be an alarm going off DESPERATION! … or maybe I’ll start wondering about her hidden agenda, like the hidden agenda of the encyclopedia salesman who asks the old lady to show her pics of her kids.
July 3rd, 2007 at 11:03 am
“Heck, if I ever caught any girl I talked to trying to smooth-talk me; say, I was a lousy conversation or “not opening up” so she’d keep trying… yes, not to the extent of filling up “vacuum space”, cause we all do that, but more along the lines of what we’re talking about here, “chatting someone up”… anyway, if I felt a girl is doing this, that’ll be an alarm going off DESPERATION! … or maybe I’ll start wondering about her hidden agenda, like the hidden agenda of the encyclopedia salesman who asks the old lady to show her pics of her kids.”
Weird.