Let’s start with understanding that women naturally want a strong confident man. In so doing they unconsciously test you to see how well you stand up to that ideal of theirs. The important thing to realize though is they do it UNCONCIOUSLY. Women don’t want to break you down; they just find themselves doing it and then resenting you for it. It is very difficult to spot and fight against in all cases. You probably already have been the victim of emasculation. Why do they do this though?
Women need reassurance constantly about how you feel about them. It is important you give that to them freely and openly. However women also need to know you are strong. By criticizing you, testing you, and putting you in situations that are uncomfortable they get constant reminders of just how strong or weak you are and how well you will be able to fill that “protector and provider†role.
So how do you avoid being emasculated? There are simple things you can do to avoid and deal with many of the tests being thrown out at you. One is begin to build a strong sense of self-identity. Disqualify whenever there are criticisms of what you wear, think, do, or say. Know what you like, want, and seek out in life; NEVER compromise on these things for her. If you compromise your ideals or passions you will be kicked to the curb before you know it. In fact actively cultivate them and take time away from her to make sure you are pursuing something in your life other than your relationship. Pickup is not one of those things.
Secondly learn to call a woman out on things. This is a very difficult thing to do and takes practice. It is something I am actively working on at the moment and I’m sure I’ll post more blogs about this as I explore this further. The main idea is that when you are strong enough to stand up to a woman, then you are strong enough to be that “protector and provider†even when the only saber tooth tiger in a hundred miles is the one that she has created for you and is within her. However when you do it, never be rude; make sure you start with something like: “I hear that you are saying _________†and repeat back to her what she said to you. Continue to do this until what you are saying matches what she feels she said. Then reply to it strongly with your side and be firm. If you haven’t made an opinion on it yet, then tell her you know where she is at and you need to solidify how you feel about it and that will take you some time to think about it. Don’t continue talking.
Women can understand social issues far faster than men. They actually have larger parts of their brains for dissecting and understanding these things while in the very situation. Guys actually need time away from a situation to focus on it better and check in with how they feel. Tell her you hear what she is saying, but you need time to think about how you feel about it. Re-assure her you will not dodge this but instead set a specific time to talk about it later. When you get a chance to spend some time away from the conversation you will be able to know where you are at on the subject and can come back being much stronger and more assured in where we are at and our opinions.
The key in avoiding emasculation is simply being strong in who you are. Don’t always be looking for shit tests, or her trying to emasculate you. That is a sure way to create problems. You will start to see them where they are not if you get in that mindset. Cultivate a strong sense of self and know it is ok to stand up to others criticisms of you. Be open minded to change but change because you want to, not because others want you to.
September 16th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Good reading. Is there a place to find more information on this topic?
What if you have already shown her that you are weak? How do you turn things around and stop the emasculation?
Thanks
September 16th, 2009 at 8:20 am
I would recommend checking out Allison Armstrong’s site: http://www.understandmen.com/ The site is for women but has some great stuff we can learn about too.
Also feel free to take me up on the offer of a 20min free phone consult and see if a coaching program or just a few phone consultations might help.
December 22nd, 2011 at 5:09 pm
When women do this, it is almost never conscious and they really AREN’T trying to emasculate you. What is happening is that you have attracted a strong alpha female, and she needs to know that her man or potential mate is strong enough to handle her. She doesn’t want to be walking over anyone, least of all her man, so she needs to check that he is stronger than she is, that he can and will be (lovingly) firm with her. The last thing she wants is to be The Man in her relationship. That is an extreme turn-off for the vast majority of women.
Well why doesn’t she stop trying to be the man then, you ask? That’s just it. As an alpha female, she is a naturally strong, take-charge kind of person, and just like you yourself need to be able to relax and be your full self with her, she needs to be able to be her full self with you too — and still have a hot sexual connection with you. When a strong woman is with a man who is insufficiently firm, it is not relaxing. She doesn’t want to ride roughshod over you. She doesn’t want to emasculate you. She doesn’t want to have to diminish herself to try to force the relationship to work. She would rather find someone more able to take charge and keep her in hand. (That does not NOT *NOT* mean you have to be an a**hole, BTW. See the takeninhand.com site for more on that if interested.)
This is very difficult for men, because you have it drummed into you from the cradle that being firm with a woman is unacceptable, wrong, controlling, abusive, etc. Talk about mixed messages! It is not surprising men have trouble getting it right with women.
Nevertheless, the truth is that almost all women, even the most strident feminists, in a relationship with a man, want not to be the one in charge in the relationship. They want your control to be calm, considerate, kind and loving. But they do want you to be the take-charge provider-protector whom they can’t walk all over.
That is what all those tests are about. As the man said.