I remember the moment I started looking for help with dating. I found the woman of my dreams. Iwas romantic, treated her right, I even brought soup to her work when she was sick one day. On the advice from a woman, I sent flowers to her work just so all her colleagues could be jealous she found such a romantic nice man. In fact I did such a good job most of her friends would meet me other places around town and know who I was, that amazing romantic guy she met. I was strutting around with my chest puffed out on top of the world, how could she not help falling in love with me? It was such a shock when she asked me to come by and she gave me a letter to read after I left. I opened the letter with trepidation wondering what it was about. After apologies for not doing this in person, she dumped me in that letter saying she wasn’t ready for a relationship.
I realized then that I sucked at dating at and I needed help. I knew I was a successful, motivated, interesting man with a strong confidence and that peopled liked me; why didn’t she? I was a nice guy. What was wrong with nice guys? Why do nice guys finish last? Do I have to act like an asshole to be good with women?
Are you a nice guy that wants to be better with women? Well on your search I am sure you have come across the Pickup Artist Community revealed by the book by Neil Strauss “The Game”. That was where I started too. After getting trained and teaching for two years as the senior instructor at Charisma Arts (Wayne Elise’s company AKA “Juggler”) I discovered the art of being successful with women and my social life in general. Everything changed for me. I discovered happiness. The interesting thing was I never felt great being associated with the “PUA (pickup artist)” community. They were all telling guys at that time that they had to change, that being themselves wasn’t interesting and stop being the “nice guy”. I remember reading David DeAngelo’s book thinking, “If I have to be that much of an asshole I would rather be alone the rest of my life.”
I have never claimed to be a PUA and I never will. I gained something far more valuable through my search that most of the guys in the community are only grasping at; happiness and a fulfilling social, romantic, and sex life. Most PUA’s I know are good at only the sex life thing.
So how do you be successful with women (and people in general) without being an asshole? Without the cocky funny lines, the routines, and stock banter, what is it that really makes someone successful?
1. Confidence
2. Be Assertive
3. Choice
Know who you are and what is worthwhile and meaningful in your life to achieve true self-confidence. Be assertive with what you want in life, love, and friendship to make it happen. Once you achieve the first two you will see an increase in the choice of who you have to date, who to include in your social circle, and what you want out of the relationships in your life. Understanding you have choice removes the neediness and instills the sense of detachment that is very attractive to the opposite sex.
Assholes, PUA’s, Bad Boys, and Douchebag guys have all three guaranteed. Yes they are good with women, but it is those three that make them successful, not the negative aspects in way they act. My goal has been to be a gentleman, a nice guy, but to find a way to do that successfully. I realize everything in the method I developed and have taught to thousands of men all fall into teaching them techniques to achieve the above three things.
You can be successful and be a gentleman and a nice guy. Don’t let the anyone tell you otherwise. Women want assertive, confident, nice guys.
Tags: attraction, Neil Strauss, nice guy, PUA, seduction, The Game, Women
January 14th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Finally, some hope for the nice guy! (Or the nice girl, for that matter.) I couldn’t agree more: To focus first on who YOU are, what makes YOU tick, then to go after it with all the fire in your soul does indeed attract the attention of others – most often the very people you were trying so hard to get noticed by in the first place. Advice so simple, yet so profound. Well done!
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January 14th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
The old saying that “nice guys finish last” holds true when the “nice guy” is the person who will allow others to walk all over him/her. I think that you hit it on the head that a man who is confident and assertive can still be nice and will have more options open up to him, giving him more choices!
Great advice that can be incorporated outside of dating and relationships as well!
Thanks,
@nathanmcgee
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January 14th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
The second I am ready for a real relationship I will come back and re-read that article!!!
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January 14th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
http://www.heartless-bitc...s/niceguys/niceguys.shtml
Another great post on nice guys.. Like she says, it’s not the \nice\ part it’s the insecure part.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:58 am
It all really depends on how you define a “nice guy.” Being caring and supportive is to me, just a part of the relationship. Now, if you think about the level of care and support – this is where it really kicks in.
It’s okay to give a girl flowers, especially if you are awarding her for something wonderful she had done. But it’s not okay to have flowers sent to her office every day and buy chocolates for her every Tuesday afternoon for no reason whatsoever.
Calibration, as always – is the key here.
Great write-up Dan. Hope this motivates all the new PUA’s who think twice about treating their women to the good life.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Confidence, assertiveness and choice. Great advice for everyone. This would work especially well when going in for a job interview I’m sure too.
This is a great article, I’d never heard of PUAs before.
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January 17th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
[...] Charisma Tips » You can be successful with women and be a nice guy! [...]
January 20th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Nice post, Dan. But I have to admit I was even more impressed by the post you linked to above. Wow, that was a withering demolition of the ways that guys use to tell themselves their insecurity and neediness are really signs of affection and virtue. I’ve had exactly the thoughts she talks about, so I know she’s dead on.
But I wonder if the author realizes that it’s not only guys who do this. I’ve observed women lavish praise, attention and \mothering\ behavior on guys in an attempt to gain their affection. One woman I know gave a guy she had a crush on a $1000 loan! Women need to understand they also fall for this \nice-with-an-agenda\ behavior. I sometimes think that’s why women are told to play \hard to get\: because women have learned that it usually doesn’t work to win a man’s heart using smothering attention and favors.
April 13th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Confidence, assertiveness and choice. Great advice for everyone. This would work especially well when going in for a job interview I’m sure too.
This is a great article, I’d never heard of PUAs before.